Love & Loss (The Austin Series)

by C. J. Fallowfield

  ‘So I guess me being a girl pissed you off even more then. Sorry I was such an inconvenience.’

  ‘Don’t sulk, you’re an adult now, you asked for the truth and I’ve just given it to you.’

  ‘So what about the current Mrs Kensington? Did you insist on abortions every time you found out she was pregnant with a baby girl?’ I seethed as I glowered at him. So I’d been right all along, I was a mistake, he really never wanted me.

  ‘I won’t be spoken to in that tone Mia, you’ll show some respect.’ He boomed in his commanding voice.

  ‘I’ll show respect when you’ve earned it,’ I bit back.

  ‘We’re getting nowhere fast, your attitude isn’t helping.’

  ‘Why the hell did you agree to meet me today? You obviously didn’t want to.’

  ‘I met to discuss money. I’m happy to continue paying your monthly allowance until you’ve finished your education,’ he grimaced at the word, as if it tasted bad in his mouth and washed it down with the rest of his brandy. ‘After all I did it for your sister, so it’s only fair. I have set aside an investment portfolio in each of your names that will ensure that you are both comfortable financially, but that is as far as I can take our relationship. This portfolio will sever all ties. I’m not prepared to jeopardise my marriage or my relationship with my boys for you. Have I made myself clear?’ he asked, frowning at my hesitation to respond as I sat in stunned silence. My father, my own damn father was paying me off? Was he really cutting me out of his life, when I hadn’t even been sure I wanted him in it in the first place?

  ‘An investment portfolio?’ I asked, trying to keep my voice from shaking.

  ‘I’ve already arranged it, a million pounds set aside for each of you, my solicitor will be in touch with the documentation and will draw up a contract to state that neither of you will have any further claim on my estate and all contact will cease immediately. I would advise you instruct your own solicitor to look over the details, however I’m sure he will find the terms of the settlement more than fair.’

  ‘No he or she won’t.’ I stated as I stood up and glared at him, chauvinistic arsehole. ‘I won’t be needing a solicitor of either gender as I have no intention of accepting any portfolio from you. In fact you can cancel my monthly allowance with immediate effect and I’ll get a current valuation on the apartment when I return to Westhampton. As soon as I’m working, and in a position to get a mortgage, I’ll repay you in full.’

  ‘Mia don’t be so bloody stubborn,’ he snapped as he remained seated looking up at me. ‘I’m trying to be fair.’

  ‘Fair?’ I laughed. ‘Fair would have been you showing an ounce of interest in my life, supporting my hopes and dreams and being there when I needed my father, instead of acting like a cold hearted arse and giving me a lifetime of relationship issues with the opposite sex.’

  ‘I did the best I could.’

  ‘Well I hope you do better with your boys because you’ve been pretty crap with Georgie and I.’

  ‘Mind your tone,’ he glared.

  ‘Why does she hate us being in your life so much? I mean it’s not as if we even see you once a year. What’s her problem? What hold does she have over you that the “mighty Richard Kensington” bends to a mere woman’s demands?’

  ‘Mia enough,’ he barked as he slammed his drink down, rose and towered above me.

  ‘Don’t even think of lecturing me Richard, you lost that right when you walked out on me. Fine go and play happy bloody families with your second set, I only hope that you don’t lay all of your shit on them too,’ I hissed as I spun on my heels and headed towards the door, desperately choking back the tears of anger that I wanted to shed. I clenched my fists as he overtook me and slammed his hand on the door to stop me from opening it. ‘Get out of my way,’ I said firmly, not looking at him.

  ‘Mia don’t be so bloody childish. I’m trying to help you.’

  ‘No you’re not,’ I spat as I fixed him with an icy glare. ‘You’re trying to help yourself, trying to alleviate your guilt for being a crappy father and human being. You think cutting me a cheque will absolve you of your responsibilities and any guilt you may feel. Well you can keep it, I only ever wanted your love and respect, never your money. I hope you never change your mind about me because you’re never coming back from this. Get out of my way please, I never want to see or hear from you again. I’ll liaise with Christine with regards to paying you back for the apartment.’

  ‘I didn’t want it to be like this Mia, you didn’t have to make this so damn difficult.’

  ‘Fuck you, you didn’t need to make this so difficult. You were the adult, you should have made it easier for the last eighteen bloody years,’ I hissed, fury seeping out of every pore.

  ‘You will mind your language. I won’t have you speak to me like that,’ he snapped as he glared down at me, but suddenly I was no longer intimidated by him. I saw him for exactly what he was, a cold hearted detached bastard incapable of loving anyone of the female persuasion. I didn’t need to be scared of him as I no longer cared what he thought of me. I was done trying to please him, done with always questioning how I could have been a better daughter. So what if we were blood related? I was worth more than that. I was loved, by Mum, Gerry, Georgie, Lexi and Gabe, even Doug and Robert showed me more affection than Richard Kensington did. I didn’t need love from this stranger anymore, or his approval because he didn’t deserve my efforts.

  ‘Or what, you’ll ground me? It’s a bit late to try and play the father figure don’t you think?’

  ‘You’ll regret this one day Mia, I could have set you up for life.’

  ‘Will I? I don’t think so. If I ever need anything I’ll turn to Gerry, my real father, the one who’s been there all my life and will support me emotionally. I never asked for your money, not once. Give it to your sons, they’ll need it to pay for all the bloody therapy they’re going to need after being lumbered with a shitty excuse for a parent like you. If you haven’t had this wonderful heart to heart with Georgie yet I suggest you revise your tactics if you don’t want it to end the same way, because for some reasons she looks up to you. Now get the hell out of my way before I make you regret it.’

  ‘Just like your bloody mother,’ he muttered.

  ‘Thank God, because I’d be mortified if I was anything like you. She’s worth a million of you.’

  He removed his hand from the door and without looking back at him I threw it open, stalked out and ran down the stairs, not wanting to wait for the lift. I ran through the lobby and kept running until I was in the park, ripped off my heels and ran down the steep grassy bank to the river. I headed for a bench that Lexi and I always used to sit on when we needed to escape for a while, thankfully it was empty. I sat down and tucked my bare feet up against my bottom and hugged my knees. I felt numb, numb and empty. Had that just happened? Had my own Dad just tried to pay me off? To cut me out of his life? I pinched myself and winced, it was real, that had just happened. All I could think of was Gabe, I wanted to see him, now. With shaking hands I pulled out my mobile and rang him.

  ‘Hi baby, how’s it going?’

  ‘Will you come and get me? I need you,’ I whispered.

  ‘Mia what’s wrong, where …’

  I couldn’t hear him anymore and looked down at my hand to see I wasn’t holding my phone, I must have dropped it. I looked up at the sky as a loud rumble of thunder rolled above me and it started to rain. I closed my eyes and just let it hammer down on me wondering why I wasn’t crying. I jumped as I heard shouting and felt hands clasping my face and opened my eyes, squinting against the torrential downpour to see Gabe’s face in front of me.

  ‘Jesus, you’re soaked and freezing. Fuck Mia, what’s going on?’ he demanded. I opened my mouth, but nothing came out, yet on seeing him an unseen dam burst and I started sobbing, but it was tears of relief. Years of worrying what was wrong with me, thinking that I was unlovable because my own Dad didn’t want me. Now I saw it clearl
y for what it was, it was him. Richard Kensington didn’t have the capacity to love me, it wasn’t me, it had never been about me. I was lovable and the proof of it was standing right in front of me. It was like a crushing weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

  ‘Doug here’s my keys, take Lexi and get my car and find a damn way to get it in here. I’ll take her into that bandstand over there out of the rain to wait for you.’

  ‘I know the way into the park, here’s her phone, it was on the floor with her shoes. God what the hell’s happened?’ I heard Lexi ask.

  ‘I don’t know but I’m going to bloody find out if I have to go and see him myself. Please hurry guys she’s shivering.’ I felt Gabe’s arms go around me and lift me, which made me cry even harder and I closed my eyes and sobbed into his neck as he carried me. This guy, the one I’d opened my heart to, the one holding me in his strong arms, protecting me, loved me as much as I loved him, I didn’t need a biological father for that anymore. ‘Baby, what did he do?’ Gabe whispered as he nuzzled my hair.

  ‘He …’ I faltered, shook my head and clutched his lapels as he walked. He eventually sat down on the steps of the stand, under the roof in the dry. He gently pulled my fingers away from his jacket, shrugged it off and wrapped it around me.

  ‘Mia we’re going to get you home and into a hot bath, then into bed ok? I don’t care what Gerry thinks I’m getting in with you and I’m going to hold you as long as it takes for you to let this out. You don’t have to talk to me if you don’t want to, but I need to know right now if he’s physically hurt you?’ he asked, the concern in his voice palpable. I shook my head and heard him heave a sigh of relief and tighten his hold on me.

  ‘I love you Gabe,’ I managed to utter between gasps for breath.

  ‘I love you too Mia and I’m here for you ok? Please try not to cry, you’ll make yourself sick, just take gentle breaths, I’m not letting you go ok?’ His voice was so reassuring, I nodded and kissed his throat and wrapped my arms around his damp waist, his shirt was soaking as well as my own blouse. I closed my eyes and tried to breathe slowly and calm myself down, had that all really just happened? I couldn’t understand how someone could choose to have children if they were so willing to give up on them. I was so worried about Georgie and how she’d handle this. I squeezed my eyes even tighter shut and tried to focus on anything but what had just happened and started thinking about Gabe and I moving in and where we were going to put furniture. Happy thoughts, that was it, just focus on happy thoughts. Exhausted and cold I fell asleep in his arms.

  I woke up to hear Mum shouting at someone and opened my eyes as Gabe carried me into the bathroom and shut the door.

  ‘Hi you’re back with me,’ he smiled. I nodded, I was freezing cold and shivering and Gabe looked no better, his shirt was see through and his hair was stuck to his forehead. He sat me on the toilet and started running the bath, then stripped off before turning to me and taking his jacket off me. He held out his hand for me to take, pulled me up, turned me around and unzipped my skirt and made me step out of it, before unbuttoning my blouse and sliding it off my shoulders then unhooking my bra. I felt him kneel behind me and tug my damp knickers down and I turned around shaking, clutching my hands to my chest, my hair in my eyes, which he pushed back before wrapping a towel around himself. ‘Stay here and watch the bath, I’ll be back in a second,’ he said gathering up our wet clothes and disappeared.

  I looked in the bathroom mirror. My mascara had run all down my face, I really needed to think about buying and wearing waterproof makeup if I was going to keep crying like this. I found some facial wipes in the cabinet and cleaned the black off before checking the bath and adding some bubble bath. Gabe reappeared with my big fluffy white dressing gown and two mugs of hot chocolate which he set at the side of the bath and turned it off.

  ‘Ok get in and hitch forwards, I’m coming in with you, I’m freezing myself.’ He held my hand as I stepped into the steaming foam and lowered myself down and he climbed in behind me. He sank down and I lay back on his chest, turning my cheek onto it as he kissed my hair and wrapped his arms and legs around me. ‘God that feels better,’ he sighed with a shudder as the warm water started to heat our skin.

  ‘Thank you for coming for me and looking after me.’

  ‘It’s what boyfriends do Mia, it’s what I do anyway. Are you ok?’

  ‘I am now,’ I nodded. ‘Just cold still. Why was Mum shouting?’

  ‘I telephoned her to say we were on our way home with you and that you were upset so she rang your Dad to find out what was going on. She was on the phone when I carried you up and was talking to Gerry when I made the drinks, so I don’t know what’s happened.’

  I sighed, wondering what side of the story Mum had heard and wondered how she’d react. She’d always had a go at me for not trying hard enough with him. I’d already had a massive argument with her yesterday as it was, about me leaving her out of the loop with my op, so this was all I needed. I didn’t want my relationship with her upset any further. Lexi had dragged Doug and Gabe out after Sunday lunch, leaving just Mum, Gerry, Georgie and I to talk it out. Mum had been furious with me and had cried for hours when she knew what my diagnosis was. Georgie had tried to talk to her as a medical professional and Gerry just sat with me on the sofa with his arm around me. I’d cried most of yesterday afternoon too, I really didn’t want to cry anymore, I was sick of it.

  ‘Can I talk to you about today?’ I whispered to Gabe.

  ‘Of course you can.’ He sounded surprised, I wasn’t very good at confiding my emotions to him, but I’d promised I would and he was trying so hard for me that I wanted to reciprocate. I filled him in on nearly everything, leaving out the part where I was going to refuse to accept the monthly allowance and the bit where I’d pay him back for the apartment, I was worried Gabe would find a way of trying to support me, or covering the debt for me, and I didn’t want that.

  ‘He’s a fucking arsehole,’ Gabe hissed and I could hear the fury in his voice. ‘How could he do that to his own bloody daughter? And to put a monetary value on it as well? Where’s he staying? I’m going to go and give him a peace of my bloody mind,’ he snarled. I struggled out of his tense arms and turned around in the bath to face him and gasped to see the look on his face and in his eyes, he’d not even looked that angry with me that Sunday he thought I’d ended it with him. When he saw my reaction to him, he quickly rubbed his face and took a few deep breaths before looking back at me. ‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you but I’m fucking livid,’ he said quietly.

  ‘Gabe please don’t do this, don’t get wound up it won’t do you any good and I don’t want him and his issues tainting us.’

  ‘They already have Mia, you already have trust issues, your fear of marriage and children stem from the arseholes treatment of you and now this? Jesus, I’d be amazed if you could ever trust a guy again. He’s your fucking father for God’s sake. What the hell’s wrong with him?’

  ‘I trust you,’ I whispered. ‘You were the first person I thought of Gabe, the person I wanted to comfort me. It could have been Lexi, Mum, Georgie or Gerry, but I rang you.’

  ‘You rang me,’ he nodded eventually, as it sank it. ‘You still trust me, even after what I did?’

  ‘I told you that I’ve forgiven you Gabe, we were both angry, please forgive yourself. You love me, you’re always there for me when I need you, which seems to be a lot lately. I feel safe with you,’ I reached out and ran my fingers over his lips and he closed his eyes and sighed. ‘Besides it’s better this way, it’s over with him now once and for all. I know where I stand instead of second guessing myself all the time. I always thought that there was something wrong with me, but seeing him today … he’s a cold heartless son of a bitch, when it comes to his daughters at least. I was always jealous of his relationship with Georgie yet he’s treated her, or he’s going to, just the same, so I know it wasn’t just me, it’s him.’

  ‘It is him Mia, it was never you.
’

  ‘Why have kids Gabe? Why have them if you don’t have the capacity to love them? That’s what really hurts,’ I whispered. He grabbed my legs and pulled me to him, smoothing my hair back.

  ‘If we do have children, I promise you on my life Mia that I’d never do that to them. Even if you left me, I’d want to be in their lives as much as possible. Please don’t let him affect your decisions in the future.’

  ‘Gabe ...’ He stopped me speaking by putting his fingers over my mouth.

  ‘That’s it Mia, I’ve said my piece. Right you’re still cold, go and get in your shower, wash and dry your hair and get into bed. Can you eat?’

  ‘I could probably manage some soup and bread and butter. Mum will fix you up something as well.’

  ‘I’m good, we’d eaten when you rang me.’ He stood up and gave me his hand and helped me out and wrapped my dressing gown around me, before drying himself and wrapping the towel around his waist again and leading me into my en-suite.

  ‘I’ll be back in a while ok?’

  ‘Yes, thank you. You’re amazing,’ I smiled shyly.

  ‘No baby, you are. You’re so strong.’ He kissed my forehead and headed out. Me, strong? All I did was bloody cry since I met him. He’d made me tune into a whole heap of emotions I’d always tried to squash down. I jumped in the shower and turned up the heat and stayed there until my bones had warmed back up. I padded out to dry my hair and jumped to find a tear streaked Mum sitting on the edge of my bed.

  ‘Sweetheart,’ she sighed as she stood up and opened her arms and I ran into them. ‘How are you doing?’

  ‘Better,’ I mumbled.

  ‘I’m so sorry, I had no idea he was going to do this. I never thought he could ever be this callous, not to the two of you.’

  ‘You spoke to him?’

  ‘Yes,’ she said as she stroked my hair soothing me. ‘He called you argumentative and stubborn and said you got it from me. I told him that you got that from him, but thank God you’d inherited a heart from me,’ she sighed. I laughed and Mum stepped back and looked at me surprised.