Love & Loss (The Austin Series)

by C. J. Fallowfield

  ‘O shit,’ I groaned. He’d been threatening it ever since we’d made them, but he kept dangling them like a carrot, never actually following through which frustrated the hell out of me.

  ‘You like that idea?’

  ‘Yes, yes I do,’ I groaned.

  ‘Well as you’ve been so badly behaved this evening, shutting me out and teasing and taunting me, maybe as punishment I’ll deprive you of three of me. I might even ignore all of your delicious holes and empty myself all over your face and chest. I’ll leave you tied and helpless and covered in me until you apologise to me.’

  ‘Apologise to you? Ooooo … you were just winning me around and then you go and say that. Game on Austin, let’s see who breaks first, but I’m betting it won’t be me.’ I slapped his hands away and stalked off with my plate of food to hear him laughing behind me. I shut myself in the kitchen, partly because I was starving and needed to eat desperately, partly because if I didn’t put a barrier between us I was likely to rip his trousers off and go at it right there, to hell with the guests. Gabe Austin drove me crazy. I heard the door open behind me and sighed. I stood no chance of resisting him when I was trapped in this confined space with him.

  ‘Mia, can I talk to you?’

  ‘Milo?’ I spun around surprised to see him, and watched him close the door. ‘What’s the matter?’

  ‘I really need to talk to you.’

  ‘Talk away,’ I nodded to a chair but he shook his head and let out a big sigh as he ran his hands through his hair.

  ‘Don’t do it.’

  ‘Don’t do what?’

  ‘Don’t marry him. He’s not right for you.’

  ‘Milo,’ I warned as I stiffened up. It was ten months since he’d acted inappropriately with me and as he seemed to have no memory of it, and had not acted that way since, I’d set it aside and forgotten all about it. Right now though I had a horrible feeling he was about to screw all that up.

  ‘Please hear me out, I’m one of your best friends Mia, don’t I deserve an opinion?’

  ‘Are you drunk?’

  ‘No, but why does that have anything to do with it?’

  ‘Because last time you cornered me like this you were drunk and came onto me.’

  ‘When?’ he gasped. I watched him carefully, for any signs that he was acting dumb, but I just couldn’t see them.

  ‘Our New Year Party.’

  ‘O God. What did I do?’

  ‘You grabbed me in an inappropriate hug, told me how lovely my hair was, called Gabe a cocky twat who didn’t deserve me then kissed my neck while you refused to let me go.’

  ‘Shit. Seriously?’

  ‘Yes. How do you think you got the bruise on your foot? I stamped on it to make you release me.’

  ‘O my God Mia, I’m so sorry. I had no idea.’

  ‘Why don’t you want me to marry him Milo?’

  ‘I think you know.’

  ‘Until right now I didn’t believe it, I’m still not sure I do. You were pissed and lonely last time and I put it down to that. So I need to hear you say it, why do you hate Gabe so much?’

  ‘O so suddenly it’s all about me hating him? He’s hated me from the moment he met me. He tried to stop us being friends for Christ’s sake Mia, or have you forgotten that?’

  ‘No, but we are still friends despite his feelings about you Milo, because I enjoy my time with you. Why do you hate him?’

  ‘Isn’t it obvious?’ he frowned at me as he watched my face for a reaction.

  ‘No it’s not, so make it clear for me.’

  ‘Fine, I can’t carry on like this seeing you throwing your life away on someone who doesn’t deserve you Mia. Do you know his reputation? He’s a bloody player. Do you know how many women he fucked before he met you? He won’t commit, you’re going to get your heart broken. Why can’t you see that?’

  ‘He is committed Milo and yes I know about his past, he’s been completely honest with me about it and I’ve accepted it. He’s changed, he changed for me because he loves me.’

  ‘How sure are you Mia? I mean how do you know he’s not still fucking around behind your back?’

  ‘Milo you’re crossing a line now. I won’t stand here while you make unjustified allegations about my fiancé. I was willing to hear your concerns, but not if you’re going to keep putting the man I’m in love with down.’

  ‘I’m just being a concerned friend that’s all Mia, what’s so wrong with that?’

  ‘A friend? Is that all it is Milo?’

  ‘I don’t know what you mean,’ he looked at me holding my gaze until I gasped and he quickly looked down at his feet and shoved a hand through his hair again. I swallowed hard. I was as if someone had removed a mask that had been shielding his real face from me, suddenly I could see it, his feelings for me were blindingly obvious. Why had I not seen it before?

  ‘You’re in love me with?’ I whispered.

  ‘Yes,’ he said quietly.

  ‘How long?’

  ‘Does it matter?’

  ‘How long Milo?’

  ‘Pretty much since I met you.’

  ‘What about Jenny?’ I asked, the disbelief in my voice palpable.

  ‘We’ve hardly have a relationship since I moved up here. I’ve loved her most of my life, but I spend more time with you and we get on so well I just …’ he broke off and looked back up at me.

  ‘We get on so well as friends Milo. I thought we were clear on the fact that we were great friends without any sexual or emotional issues. I’m with Gabe, I love Gabe.’ I watched him wince as I said the words. ‘Why have you never said anything? Why hang out with me knowing it could never develop?’

  ‘Because I love you Mia. We’re so compatible and the time I spend with you is so … easy. I love everything about you but I tried to squash it down because you were infatuated with him, blinded by his bloody looks, physique and money.’

  ‘Don’t even go there,’ I hissed. ‘It’s nothing to do with his money.’

  ‘Yeah right, girls love a guy who can only afford a date at Pizza Hut.’

  ‘If you think I’m so shallow what do you see in me Milo?’ I shot back, angry.

  ‘I just want you to take a step back Mia, give me a chance to show you how good we could be.’

  ‘Stop! You’re with Jenny and I’m with Gabe. This can never happen Milo, I’m sorry but I don’t feel that way about you.’

  ‘I know you find me attractive, you flirted with me that day we first met.’

  ‘Yes I found you attractive, you are attractive and you’re a really nice guy but I love Gabe.’

  ‘So if I’d asked you out before he got to you things might have been different?’

  ‘I don’t know Milo, I just feel a connection to Gabe that I’ve never felt to anyone else before. I do have feelings for you, but it’s the sort of love that I think I’d feel for a brother, not the in love feelings I have for Gabe.’

  ‘A brother? Great thanks,’ he sighed as he covered his eyes.

  ‘Milo there’s nothing special about me, you have Jenny, you need to make more of an effort to rekindle it with her. Don’t throw away years with her over some feelings that you think you may have for me, you’re confusing friendship with love.’

  ‘Don’t fucking tell me how I feel,’ he yelled as he dropped his hands and glared at me. ‘And stop putting yourself down. You’re beautiful Mia, inside and out. I’ve always been drawn to brunettes, but you put them all in the shade and to think he’s letting you parade around on stage, half naked like a cheap … hooker or dirty whore in tiny underwear or army and air stewardess outfits, it makes my blood boil.’

  ‘Stop!’ I yelled and stepped forward and slapped him. He looked at me shocked as he rubbed his face.

  ‘I do what I want to do Milo, Gabe has been against my dancing from the start so you don’t get to blame him for my choices. How long were you coming to Peppers while I was dancing?’

  ‘What do you mean?’

 
‘Don’t play fucking innocent with me Milo, the wool over my eyes has completely gone and I can see straight through you. How do you know what outfits I was wearing if you haven’t been more than the time you stopped Adam from coming onto me?’

  ‘Fine, I turned up one night and saw you on the stage and was so shocked. I was worried something like that might happen with another punter and Gabe was stupid to have left you there unattended so I went every Wednesday and Saturday to make sure you were safe.’

  ‘Do you realise how creepy that is? To have kept coming back to see me … like that?’

  ‘So why’s it ok for all those perverts to watch you up there and not me? You make it sound like I’m some kind of fucking deviant.’

  ‘You’re one of my best friends Milo, best friends don’t look at each other in a sexual way. Even Doug doesn’t come and watch me dance, it’s just wrong and I can’t believe you lied to me about not having been before either. I’d like you to leave now. I can’t look at you.’

  ‘Don’t do this Mia.’

  ‘Don’t do what Milo? Upset you? I’ve done nothing wrong. Have I ever given you any indication that I felt anything more for you?’ I felt my eyes filling up as I looked at him. ‘I defended you time and again. Gabe, Doug, Lexi, all of them told me that you had feelings for me and I denied it and fought your corner, do you have any idea how stupid I feel right now?’

  ‘Shit please don’t cry, I can’t bear seeing you cry.’

  ‘Then you shouldn’t have said anything Milo. You’ve made a fool out of me and now I feel like I’ve just lost one of my best friends.’ I reached up to brush my tears from my cheek.

  ‘You’ve not lost me, you’ll never lose me Mia.’

  ‘How can I not Milo? I don’t know how to handle this, I don’t know if I can carry on seeing you now. You’ve been watching me perform, you’ve lied to me and you bad mouth Gabe.’

  ‘Nothing has to change Mia, if you won’t give me a chance then I’ll accept that. We can just be friends and carry on as we were before.’

  ‘I can’t give you a chance Milo, I don’t want to, I’m taken and how can I stay friends with you when I know that seeing me is eating you upside?’ I turned around and grabbed some kitchen towel and blew my nose. This was so fucked up. How could I have been so wrong about my relationship with him? I didn’t want to lose his friendship, but I didn’t know if I could carry on seeing him knowing how he felt. I’d be putting my relationship with Gabe at risk if he ever discovered the truth. I stiffened up as I felt his arms go around me and he pressed up behind me. ‘Milo, let me go.’

  ‘I’m sorry, I should never have said anything,’ he whispered and I cranked my neck to the side as he tried to kiss my cheek.

  ‘Milo, let me go right now, you’re crossing a line, again. Please let me go,’ I begged, ready to take action if he didn’t comply.

  ‘Get the fuck off her right now,’ snapped an angry voice behind me. I winced and shut my eyes and felt Milo being hauled off me and the rattle of the fridge as he was slammed into it. I spun around to try and stop Gabe from losing it and gasped to see Doug had him by the shirt collar. Milo just looked defeated and didn’t even try to fight back.

  ‘Doug, please don’t.’ I pleaded as I saw his eyes flash angrily. I grabbed his arm and tugged at it. ‘Please he was just hugging me because I was upset, don’t make a big deal out of it.’

  ‘Stop covering for him Mia,’ Doug snapped as he let him go and turned to shut the kitchen door before confronting me. ‘It’s not the first time he’s come on to you.’

  ‘I don’t know what you mean,’ I lied and hung my head.

  ‘I know about New Year alright, how many other times?’

  ‘None.’

  ‘Fuck, do you know what would have happened if Gabe had just walked in here instead of me?’

  ‘Don’t tell him, please don’t tell him Doug,’ I pleaded.

  ‘You need to leave right now,’ he snapped at Milo who nodded his head.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ he said quietly as he looked at me sadly and squeezed out of the room, closing the door behind him. I started crying again and went to Doug for a hug.

  ‘What happened Mia?’

  ‘He told me he’s in love with me.’

  ‘Took his bloody time,’ scoffed Doug.

  ‘I can’t believe you were all right and I just didn’t see it.’

  ‘You didn’t want to see it Mia, once you see something, once you know that there’s more to it, well that makes friendship between a guy and a girl really hard. Trust me, I have some experience in that area.’

  ‘So how do you and Lexi do it?’

  ‘It’s really hard, but I laid my cards on the table once, I won’t do it again. She knows how I feel about her and it’s up to her to do something with it if she wants, but I’m not putting my life on hold while I wait for her to make up her mind.’

  ‘But I thought you were happy with Sarah?’

  ‘I am, she’s a great girl, but … I don’t know,’ he sighed.

  ‘She’s not Lexi?’

  ‘No, she’s not Lexi. Love sucks sometimes.’

  ‘It does,’ I giggled as he let me go and kissed the top of my head. I wiped my eyes and smiled at him.

  ‘I think you need to stop seeing him, I just get a really bad vibe that this isn’t over Mia, I don’t think he’s going to let it go if you’re hanging out with him all the time.’

  ‘I’m still a bit shocked Doug, but I’d like to sit and talk to him properly, I mean I really enjoyed his company and I’m not sure if I can write him off just because of two bad moves on his part.’

  ‘I’m sorry but I don’t trust him. If you carry on seeing him I’m telling Gabe what’s happened.’

  ‘Doug,’ I protested.

  ‘Mia, he’s my best friend, he’d kill me if he found out I knew what happened tonight and in January.’

  ‘Lexi told you?’ I sighed.

  ‘She was worried about you and wanted my opinion on how Gabe would react if he found out.’

  ‘Well he’d probably kill Milo which is why I never told him.’

  ‘Well I don’t want Gabe accusing me of trying it on with you again, so I’ll go and distract him while you go and tidy up your face, you have panda eyes, which on a cat isn’t a good look,’ he grinned. I laughed and slapped his arm.

  ‘I love you Doug.’

  ‘Love you too babe, go on, get gone.’

  I opened the door and headed out into the hall with my head down and walked straight into Lexi.

  ‘There you are I’ve been looking for you everywhere, so has Gabe.’

  ‘Shit, where is he?’

  ‘O God you’ve been crying. What’s going on?’

  ‘I can’t let him see me like this, I need to go and fix my face.’

  ‘Get in my bedroom, he won’t go in there, quick, he was out on the landing heading to the roof terrace a minute ago looking for you.’ She shoved me in and locked the door behind us. ‘What’s going on?’ she demanded.

  ‘Hang on a second,’ I held my finger up and dug my vibrating phone out of my cleavage which made her laugh. I had a text from Gabe.

  Where the hell are you? I’m starting to get worried G xx

  Lexi needed to talk so I’m in her bedroom. I’m fine, sorry you worried, see you in a while <3 M xx

  ‘Mia?’

  ‘Sorry if Gabe asks you needed to talk to me.’

  ‘You need to talk to me.’

  ‘Milo, again.’ I sighed and turned to her makeup collection to clean up and redo my eyes as I filled her in.

  ‘Enough is enough with this guy Mia. Why can’t you see reason?’

  ‘Because he only admitted it tonight Lexi. I’m not sure I want to see him, but I’m not sure I want to sweep fourteen months of friendship under the rug just like that either. I just need some time to process how to handle this.’

  ‘Doug’s not going to let slip is he? Gabe will go ape.’

  ‘I know, I have t
o hope that Doug realises there would be serious consequences. He only seems to blab when it’s something trivial, or he really thinks it’s for the best.’

  ‘I’ll threaten him,’ she grinned.

  ‘He’s still in love with you, try and take it easy on him will you?’

  ‘Christ, why can’t men and women just be friends without emotions getting in the way?’

  ‘Beats me, but right now I’m going to eat humble pie, drag my man to our place and kick everyone out so I can beg for hot navy officer sex.’

  ‘What about the party?’

  ‘It’s already after midnight Lex I just want to go home with Gabe. You can carry it on in here, but I need sex. Now.’

  ‘Just have it and re-join us.’

  ‘O no, I challenged him that I wouldn’t break first tonight, so they’ll be ropes and everything involved, this will definitely be no quickie.’

  ‘Dirty bondage slut,’ she laughed. ‘I don’t need to hear anymore, go find him and clear everyone out and I’ll see you at midday for the clean-up.’

  ‘Nice try cleaning avoidance Clarke, ten.’

  ‘Mia,’ she groaned as I unlocked the door and went in search of my sexy man. He was sitting on the window sill in the lounge chatting to James and I felt my stomach somersault as I looked at him. I smiled when I realised that Milo’s attempt to make me doubt Gabe’s intentions towards me had floated off me like water off a ducks back. I had no doubts anymore, I wouldn’t be wearing his ring if I did. I went to the iPad dock and switched off the music, stuck my fingers in my mouth and did a shrill wolf whistle to cut through the groans and grumbles of complaint.

  ‘Ok, everybody out. The party is moving next door. Grab your drinks and hustle,’ I ordered. I raised my brows and pointed at the door as everyone looked at me amazed. ‘Move it.’

  ‘Baby, what’s going on?’ Gabe asked as he sidled over.

  ‘You my gorgeous sailor boy have permission to release all the semen under your control to play with my girls,’ I winked as I shimmied my breasts at him. He eyes flashed as he looked down at them and he put his hand on my bottom.

  ‘I knew you’d break,’ he murmured as he bent to kiss my neck.

  ‘I’m not too proud to admit that I have no willpower when it comes to you Mr Austin, so take me to our bedroom and punish me just like you promised.’