Resisting the Hero

by Cindi Madsen

  He swallowed, hard, and his voice came out husky. “Home, like…?”

  “Yours.”

  …

  The drive was torturously long, Faith sitting next to him in those blessedly tiny shorts, her hand high enough on his thigh to have him constantly readjusting in his seat, cursing the distance to his place.

  She squeezed his thigh and shot him a naughty grin—she knew she was driving him crazy, and he was going to have to get her back for teasing him. He accelerated as his place came into sight. Just a few…more…seconds.

  He turned into his driveway and killed the engine. In one fluid motion, he pulled Faith onto his lap, crushing his mouth to hers. He savored the familiar taste of her lips, her tongue. Faith ran her fingers through his hair and rocked her hips, making him groan. Fire built between them as they ran their fingers over each other’s bodies and consumed each other’s breaths.

  Keeping his lips locked onto hers and his arm tight around her, he felt around for the truck’s door handle. They stumbled toward his place, kissing and tugging on clothes. Faith peeled his shirt off in the living room. Hers hit the floor in the hall. Then her silky skin was against his bare chest, the thin lace of her bra the only thing between them. She slid her fingers in the waistband of his jeans and yanked him closer.

  “I like it when you manhandle me,” he said.

  Faith undid the button of his jeans. “Then you’re going to love what happens next.”

  Just when he didn’t think he could get any more turned on, she said something like that. He lifted her into his arms, carried her into his room, and lowered her onto the bed. He slid off her shorts and paused to take her in, thinking he’d never seen anything so damn beautiful in his life.

  Not only was she beautiful, she’d climbed under his skin and into his soul. For so long, he’d closed himself off to caring about someone, associating it with pain and disappointment. But his heart was wide open now, and it was scary and amazing, all at the same time. He felt like he should say something. Tell her that he cared about her. That she was the best thing that’d ever happened to him. Only he didn’t know how to say it without it sounding like a line, and he didn’t want to use lines with her.

  Faith sat up and pulled her to him. He kissed her long and deep, covered her body with his, and found that he didn’t need any words after all.

  …

  Faith rested her head on Connor, thinking that there was nothing quite so comfortable as a guy’s chest. Especially Connor’s well-built, shirtless one. Her breaths were still coming faster than normal and every nerve ending in her body tingled. She’d expected the sex to be good, but there weren’t even words to describe it. And the way he’d looked at her during—she’d never experienced that kind of intensity before.

  He dragged his fingers up and down her back. After a moment, his hand stilled, and then he said, “My biggest fear in life used to be that I’d end up like my dad—that I’d get angry and hurt the people I claimed I loved. It was just easier to keep everyone at a safe distance…”

  Faith twisted so she could see his face.

  “I didn’t mean to let you in, Faith. But I think you stole my heart that first night I laid eyes on you. I’d never hurt you. And I’d never let anyone else hurt you. I want you to know that.”

  A tight band formed around her lungs. She placed her hand over his heart, feeling it beating under his skin. “I know.”

  He relaxed, but his words reminded her who he was, making worry rise up and pick at her afterglow. When it came to hero complexes, his was above and beyond the norm. At first she’d thought he wanted recognition as a hero, but now she knew he was trying to save everyone because he didn’t think he’d done enough when he was younger. She knew he’d sacrifice himself to help people, the same way her dad had.

  “Baby? What is it?”

  She shook her head. Going into it would ruin this perfect night, and she wanted to hold onto it a little longer. She scooted up, kissed his lips, and then wrapped herself around him, holding tight and telling herself they’d find a way to work it all out.

  Chapter Sixteen

  When Faith woke up, she could hear Connor talking to someone. He was pulling on his clothes, his phone pressed to his ear. Penny was pacing with him, her ears and eyebrows twitching with every movement Connor made.

  “How bad?” Connor asked. There was silence and then his hand tightened around the phone. “A gun? Damn it to hell. Yeah, I’m coming.”

  A pit formed in Faith’s stomach. She sat up, pulling the sheets up with her. Connor glanced over. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.”

  “Everything okay?” She held her breath, scared of what he’d say. Scared of what he wouldn’t.

  “I’ve got to go in to work. I don’t know how long I’ll be. But stay as long as you want, okay?” He leaned down and kissed her.

  She grabbed his shirt, holding him there. “What’s going on?”

  “It’s just work stuff. I’ll call you later.” He kissed her again, a way-too-short kiss, and then he was gone. Penny whimpered at the door, then came around the bed and jumped next to Faith. She whimpered again, and Faith felt like joining her. Her chest squeezed tighter and tighter as she ran her hand down the dog’s back. Over and over she heard Connor say, A gun?

  Control was slipping from her, her breaths were coming too fast, in and in but no out. All oxygen, no release.

  A gun, a gun, a gun. Connor dealt with guns every day. Just like Dad had done.

  When she squeezed her eyes closed, she saw Dad in his casket, Mom gripping the edge, tears running down her face. Icy shards of panic traveled through Faith’s veins, turning everything inside her cold and hard.

  “I can’t do this,” she whispered, bringing her trembling hands to her forehead. She wanted to be strong enough to be with Connor—wanted it so badly that she’d fooled herself into thinking it’d all work out somehow. In life, there were ways of coping with stressful situations, but you also needed to know yourself enough to learn how to avoid or remove yourself from circumstances that would put you in danger of panic attacks or dark holes of depression you might never crawl out of. If Connor got hurt—or worse—she’d never get over it. But if she tied her life to his permanently and it happened…

  She couldn’t survive it.

  Not again.

  Faith gathered her clothes, dressed as quickly as possible, and took one last glance around Connor’s place.

  Then she did what she did best.

  She ran.

  …

  Kaleb glanced up when Faith charged through the front door. Ella was sitting next to him, eating Lucky Charms on the couch, even though food in the living room was supposedly a big no-no.

  Her sorrow must’ve been written across her face because Kaleb stood. “Did he hurt you?”

  Faith shook her head and tears pricked her eyes.

  “He told you about how he knew Dad, didn’t he?”

  Faith sniffed. “Yeah. I mean, he told me the other day.”

  Kaleb stuck his hands in his pockets. “Well, I suppose that’s it then. I worried he was going to hurt you, but when it comes down to it, he’s a good guy. The best friend I’ve ever had, actually. Not many dudes, especially single dudes, would care to spend time with a guy, his wife, and kid. And if he told you about that, he’s obviously serious about you.”

  Her throat grew so tight the ache traveled all the way down to her heart. “He is a good guy. But I don’t think I can do it, Kaleb. Every time he leaves, I’ll wonder if he’s coming back. I tell myself over and over that it’s a safe town, but then I see Dad in that casket and I…” A tear slipped down her cheek and she sniffed again. “Tell him I’m sorry. Tell him he deserves someone who can support him in who he is.”

  Kaleb’s face dropped. “Faithie, don’t do it. You can’t keep running away.”

  She wiped the tears off her face with the back of her hand. “I’ll be back. I just need a break. I’ve been meaning to visit Mom anywa
y. And I should travel around while I have the chance—who knows when I’ll get another break.” She glanced at Ella. “Can Mrs. Ferguson take her for a few days? If you can’t find anyone else to watch her, of course I’ll stay, but—”

  “We can manage. Tell Mom we send our love, and that we hope we’ll see her after Jackson’s born.” Kaleb put his hand on her shoulder and she could tell he was fighting his emotions, which only made her want to burst into tears. “We hope to see you, too.”

  Faith ran back to her bedroom and shoved the basics in a suitcase with as many clothes as she could. She knew this wasn’t a healthy way to deal with things—that she was permanently messed up. Just another reason why she needed to get away before she ruined Connor’s life as well as hers. Not to mention Kaleb’s. It was long past time for him to have to take care of her whenever things went wrong.

  Anna was asleep, so Faith pressed her hand to the door, wishing her a silent good-bye. Then she went into the living room and hugged Ella. Her niece wrapped her arms around her neck, and more tears escaped. “I love you, princess.” She kissed Ella’s cheek, then turned and hugged Kaleb. “I’m sorry. And don’t forget to tell him I’m sorry.”

  It felt like her heart was ripping in two. If she stayed, though, she was afraid she might lose her heart completely. For a while it would feel nice—being in Connor’s arms, continuing to fall in love. But reality would creep in day by day and calls would always be coming in for him to go somewhere he might not come back from. She couldn’t watch him do it, sick with worry all day every day.

  So she’d get away for a while, find a spot close to campus right before her internship started—she’d even stay in a cheap motel if she had to—and start over again. Whenever she visited Cornelius, she’d avoid seeing Connor as much as possible. He’d get over it.

  Probably much faster than she would.

  …

  Connor spent the day filing reports and contacting social workers, making sure that Erica would have a place to go as soon as she got out of the hospital—this time Hal had pulled a gun and threatened her with it in addition to beating her. As much as Connor wanted to arrest Hal, he’d let Sullivan do it. He’d been afraid he wouldn’t be able to hold himself back from hitting the bastard, and he didn’t want whatever lawyer Hal hired to be able to get him off because he couldn’t hold his temper.

  Aggravated battery was a serious offense, one he felt confident the prosecutor could get to stick with Erica’s help. After personally escorting her to a friend’s house, Connor drove to Kaleb’s. He needed to see Faith. Needed to hold her in his arms and know that she was okay, so that he’d feel okay. He didn’t see her car in the driveway, so he called her phone.

  She didn’t answer.

  He walked up the sidewalk and knocked on the front door. As soon as Kaleb stepped onto the porch, Connor could tell something was wrong. He thought they’d had a breakthrough last night, but he was probably pissed at him for sleeping with Faith. Connor held up his hands. “I know, I know. But dude, I swear I’ll treat her right. I…I think I love her.”

  Kaleb let out a sigh. “Faith’s gone.”

  Steel fingers wrapped around Connor’s heart and lungs. “What do you mean she’s gone?”

  “I’m sorry, man. This is what she does. She told me to tell you she’s sorry. Then she drove away, and I’m not sure when—or if—she’ll be back.”

  …

  Faith glanced at her phone. Connor. Again. She’d arrived in Wythesville several hours ago, and was making up the tiny futon in the cramped office at her grandparents’ so she’d have somewhere to sleep. They and Mom were thrilled she was there for a visit, which only made the lump of guilt in her stomach grow. Yes, she should’ve visited sooner, but she shouldn’t have to flee to do it.

  The phone rang again, and she couldn’t take it anymore. He deserved a proper good-bye at least. The second she answered, Connor’s deep voice filled her ear. “Blondie, you get your fine ass back here right now.”

  Faith gripped the phone, her knees shaking and her heart clenching so tight she couldn’t breathe. “Look, you’re a great guy and—”

  “No, don’t even start that. I’m not a great guy. I’m a pissed-off guy, and I’m about to trace your cell so I can come get you. I’ll drag you back kicking and screaming if I have to.”

  All the air squeezed out of her lungs. “You’re making this more difficult than it has to be.”

  “Good.”

  No matter how many times she tried to swallow, she couldn’t. “I fooled myself into thinking I could get over the fact that you’re a cop. That you’re on that damned SWAT team. But I can’t do it. It’s just never going to work, Connor.”

  “I need you, Faith.”

  She blinked over and over, but the tears were coming faster than she could blink them back. Sure her legs were going to give out, she sat on the half-made futon. There were pictures in this room, ones of her parents with her and Kaleb, from so long ago, because there wasn’t an option of taking complete family pictures after that. It only reiterated what she’d decided, but it didn’t make this any easier.

  “Do you know how hard it is for me to say that?” he asked.

  “Do you know how hard it was for me to hear you talking about a gun this morning? And then have you leave, not knowing if you were going to be okay? All I could think about was my dad. You put yourself in danger every day, and I can’t do it. I care about you, more than I’ve ever cared about anyone else, but I can’t do it.” Her voice cracked and now she was full-on crying again.

  She could hear his breaths on the other line and each one pierced her heart. Now she was sure she’d done the right thing. If he were standing in front of her, she’d never be able to break it off. “You really are a hero. You’re amazing.” Tears blurred her vision and pain radiated out from her chest. “But I can’t be with you. I’m so sorry.”

  Before he could try to argue, she disconnected the call and tossed the phone away.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Connor couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt so irritated at everything. His morning run had revved him up instead of calming him, and on the way to work, he’d wanted to ram his truck into cars going too slow—probably unprofessional for a cop. And now he was seconds away from chucking the empty coffee pot across the room.

  How hard was it to start a new batch? He imagined the satisfaction the shattering glass would give him. For a moment.

  Then it’d be Faith, Faith, Faith, all over again. He rubbed his hands over his face. It’d been six long days and he was still furious at her for leaving. Last night he’d nearly gone to the Rusty Anchor to find a girl to take home—any girl to help erase the memories of Faith, the scent of her lingering on the pillowcase she’d slept on. Only he knew no one else could erase how it felt to be with Faith, and the fact of the matter was, he didn’t want to erase her. And that pissed him off even more.

  All the years controlling his temper, keeping himself in check, guarding his emotions, and one tiny blonde unraveled everything. The emptiness was back, but worse, because now he knew what it was like to have it gone. Then he’d get angry all over again and feel like a failure, because he liked it better than the sadness, and it made him see why his dad chose it.

  He slammed the coffee pot back down without bothering to refill it and headed back to his desk and the stack of never-ending paperwork. He didn’t want to be stuck inside the office. He needed to be out on patrol with enough things going on that he could stop thinking about Faith.

  She’d told him he was a hero, but that she couldn’t be with him. Basically that was the reason she wouldn’t be with him.

  He picked up a pen and tapped it against the desk. Could he do something else? There was security work—she’d probably still think that was too dangerous. He’d fought the urge to call her and tell her—or her voice mail, since she refused to pick up—that she was being ridiculously stubborn. Everything in life was a risk. It was more of a risk to n
ot have well-trained cops on the streets.

  He tossed his pen across his desk and swore.

  “You okay over there?” Kaleb asked, glancing around his computer monitor.

  “Your sister pisses me off.”

  “I told you it was a bad idea. But if it makes you feel any better, I talked to her yesterday and she sounds miserable.”

  It does, he immediately thought, but then the thought of her miserable made his chest ache. Seriously, he was such a mess. He turned to his computer and started inputting data. He was good at math. He supposed he could look into a career in that field.

  He’d hate it, though.

  No, screw that. He wasn’t changing his career for a girl who’d just run if things got too hard. He’d live his life the way he wanted. Eventually the hollowness would go away.

  If he told himself it enough times, maybe one day it’d be true.

  …

  For weeks Faith had wanted to sleep in. Wanted peace and quiet and a day of nothing stretched before her. But she found that she hated it. There was no pitter-patter of little feet to wake her up. No Ella climbing in her bed to hug her or ask for chocolate milk or nail polish. No sexy cop waking her with a kiss, Sleeping Beauty style.

  Instead of getting better, the spot between her ribs ached deeper by the day. Telling herself she’d be okay if she forced herself into motion, she threw on running gear and headed outside. It wasn’t a bad running path, but it wasn’t as beautiful as running along glittering Lake Norman.

  Connor had probably completed his run with Penny hours ago. Her feet faltered and she shook her head. Space was supposed to help her forget about Connor, not make it impossible to think about anything else. When she’d moved before or cut someone out of her life, she’d had the occasional thought of the past or who she’d left behind, but it wasn’t all-consuming like this, where she could feel every mile of space between her and where she’d left.

  By the time she got back to the house, Mom had already made and cleaned up breakfast. Grandma and Grandpa were in their recliners. The Price is Right blared at an ear-shattering level from the TV, but Grandpa was somehow sleeping through it, already on his first nap of the day.