By Silent Majority

by Robert Buschel

  Day 35

  I signed a bill today that expanded funding for research into a medical target research program at the CDC. A Democrat and a Republican sponsored the bill to earmark funding for target diseases: Alzheimer’s, AIDS, and Anthrax. They nicknamed it the Triple A Medical Research bill. I think AAA was offended. Unbelievable? Anthrax for the war hawks who are completely freaked out about terrorism. AIDS for the Hollywood leftists, and Alzheimer’s for me. Maybe I could do good until it’s over. It will be over soon.

  Day 36

  I just looked at June tonight, and she lashed out at me. Don’t even think about being sick. Don’t even think of that word Daniel Carlson. You are the President! Man up Pansy! That’s what she called me. Who does she work for?

  Day 37

  I spoke with the psychiatrist today. At least he is the first psychiatrist that I’m not 100 times smarter than. He actually was perceptive enough to say, “I don’t think you’re being honest about why you’re having chest pains.” I wished that he turned into Hannibal Lector and ate my heart out with a fine Chianti. He says I’ll always have inferiority issues because of my father, but that’s not really bothering me. He doesn’t know why I have a Peter principle syndrome. I don’t think I’ve been promoted to my level of incompetence. I have all the credentials to be President. I could be a good President. I’m just tired of dealing with morons. I’m tired of teaching morons of the Silent Majority which pretty much seems like most of America because they are unteachable. In my depression, I announced we should pretty much do nothing about a perceived economic downturn last quarter, and the stock market and my approval ratings went up. Maybe the Dow will save my Presidency? It just hit 13,000.

  Day 38

  Well, word is out that I have chest pains. Someone in the press corps actually asked the Press Secretary, does the President see himself as a one term President if health issues continue to be a concern?” “We haven’t even finished unpacking yet!” She replied. This ended the subject with a laugh. That didn’t take.

  Day 39

  I met with leaders of the EU today in the Blue Room. We had a discussion on a whole range of issues. These meetings are for getting to know each other. They are trying to get to know me. Some of the leaders are smarter than others. Overall, they’re all servants to their parliaments. Then I had a two-hour meeting with the Prime Minister in England about the upcoming NATO conference. My goal is to reinvigorate NATO. When the U.S. goes in, then we should get help. That is expected to go over like a lead balloon. NATO is defunct. The CIA is defunct. Relics of the Cold War. We’re afraid to reinvent ourselves. In a special meeting with the Prime Minister of France, I felt my depression lift and I was just infuriated with his arrogance. I actually said “remember World War II.” I don’t think we’ll be friends.

  Day 40

  I met with the French Prime Minister today. He’s the only meeting that really stands out. We were supposed to talk about values. This getting to know you stuff is becoming incredibly boring. I can tell in twenty minutes what these heads of state are all about. I don’t need days. It’s easier to read these people than to play poker. No one is trying to bluff. The good news is that these leaders infuriate me, and that has helped my depression.

  I’ve been speaking to a picture of Abraham Lincoln often. I don’t speak out loud for fear some Secret Service Agent might think I’m flipping out. They should only worry if I think he’s talking back to me. No such luck.

  Day 41

  There is no time for depression, except for ten minutes in the morning before I wake up. I forced myself to sit with the psychiatrist again today. I felt compelled to take a nap, I felt so down. I bumped a meeting with a contingency from Spain to the late afternoon. I left a message that we shouldn’t miss siesta. Word was they were tired as well, and were glad that I took a siesta. I came back to the meeting and told them that this was part of my new Zen diplomacy. Feeling the values and mores of our friends’ culture and not just respecting it, but sharing it. They laughed, and we did share some good ideas for economic growth in the Union. Back to the grind of appointing a Justice tomorrow.

  Day 42

  Senator Popalizio is drawing some criticism. The opposition is claiming he’s a political person who never rendered a judicial opinion worth a damn in his life. Well that’s true of most district court judges. They’re trial level judges. They’re claiming it’s a political payoff by me and the party. Furthermore, the nonsense about him never paying a housekeeper’s social security came out. He will have to answer questions about this matter if he goes to the Senate Judiciary Committee. I think this is going to work out well.

  Day 43

  I figured out what the problem was today with Peter and William Goode. I’m completely depressed. I made the call to Symantec. Goode would be a good person to be on the Board, I told him. I looked at Peter with confusion, but I could tell that he was happy. He has power over me, not just influence. Now Peter knows it. This changes everything about the Presidency. He keeps saying I don’t want to know, and even he doesn’t know. I know that it doesn’t mean something good, when Peter speaks in his cryptic vernacular.

  Day 44

  I was expecting to get caught today. I waited all day long, but nothing. The optimism around the office was really in full swing. Everyone seems to be getting into their jobs and feeling good about it. Peter felt wonderful today. He was relieved, I’m sure. He wanted me to get Goode the position, and I’m sure he will since I made the call. That’s the thing with Peter, he has no remorse. He needed to get a job done and he just did it. Problem solved. Terrence Bratton created this monster, and I have to live with him.

  Day 45

  I got a note today, William Goode was appointed to the Board of Symantec today. He will get a million dollars a year and stock options that will be worth a lot more. There is nothing else of importance that occurred today.

  Day 46

  I received another note from The Receptionist this morning. I get a sense it is a man writing these notes to me, but I can’t be sure. I really can’t tell who it is. It’s the voice of prediction. The notes have been telling me things about important Legislative and Foreign policy issues. I’m starting to wonder if it is just one person writing.

  The other day a message told me that the Slovakian Ambassador was going to ask the United States for twenty-five million dollars in aid. When he did, I had already had in place the three major banks that loaned the Slovakian government thirty-five million to extend an interest-free time window for two years. The Ambassador was disappointed, but not too disappointed. I told him that I wanted the Slovakian government to grow into a responsible democracy, not a dependent one. The stock market went up 200 points. The speed of growth is concerning. My approval rating went up seven points.

  Day 47

  My popularity is rising with everyone except the CIA. Apparently, they don’t like the changes I’m suggesting. They like to run their own show. Give them policy directives, that’s fine, but don’t have someone else tell them to share information outside the agency, and control its budget. The Receptionist told me that the real obstruction is coming from retired Army General Speiser who was hired at the CIA. I discussed the issue with Peter, who said he would look into it. He said it’s a new administration and heads should roll. So I had General Speiser fired. It got a lot easier with Congress to get support for a new bill to consolidate the intelligence agencies. Another poll was taken, I’m up another seven points.

  Day 48

  I guess that gaining fourteen points in popularity in a week is a historical Presidential first. A depressed, and soon-to-be questionable President, who won by a slight margin, has never turned a country around so fast. Every time I think I’m out, they pull me back in. Who is they? The Silent Majority again. The functional unit of democracy—the perception of what the people want from their government. I never forget that the Bill of R
ights was written to prevent abuse by the government and tyranny of the majority.

  Day 49

  I had just learned of the Rebbe and now I was going to meet him. The high honor was awarded to me. I, not even being an Orthodox Jew, have an honor, the privilege to meet the spiritual leader of the Hassidic sect. I found the background on the Rebbe so interesting I dreamed about the meeting before it happened.

  I felt I should dress for the occasion. I must wear black; after all, which is what they, the Hassidim wear. I don’t know where I got the black furry hat, which I of course wore with a yarmulke underneath. I walked into the room, which I took to be a place where nursery school children were playing. The walls were a pale yellow, but that did not mean much to me. Perhaps it was the same color of the room where I slept. I also noticed some of the children were playing and frolicking on a stage. Their motions I did not pay much attention to.

  I stepped forward and saw two women speaking. I could tell immediately that they were Israelis. When one of them saw me, she walked toward me and the other woman disappeared. I announced that I was here to see the Rebbe, and she immediately recognized me.

  I checked my yarmulke by lifting up my hat and feeling with my hand. I can’t remember if she told me to see if I had one on. My breathing remained normal, but I could feel my cool blood race through me. The woman was wearing a dark colored outfit. She did not draw any attention to her sensuality. That’s exactly the point. I think because of it I couldn’t describe her or know her if I saw her again.

  “You’re here to see the Rebbe?” she asked. I nodded yes. She put her hand on her head and said a prayer, a blessing. She did not seem too excited for me, the blessing seemed required. Excitement juiced through my veins. How ordinary and perfunctory it seemed to her, I needed to see him. He was going to let me know something about myself, perhaps my future.

  I do not believe that the Rebbe is the Messiah as some Hassidim do. But he is a very wise man and knows much about God. Excited by the idea that perhaps he would share a tale or two about God with me. He did not. I awoke before I could go see the Rebbe. A dream I regret ended, more than any other.

  Dreams are a gateway to the unconscious. I wonder what my mind would have released to me. What great wisdom would I have revealed to myself? If dreams are a spiritual communication, what would have been communicated to me by God? There was no frustration or conflict in my dream. I could’ve screamed. I can’t understand why I woke up. I will be chasing that dragon for a long time. I’m cracking up. I’m crying out. I need to meet this Rebbe.

  Day 50

  I’ve been taking a Calvin Coolidge approach to the economy and it seems to be working. I just make statements about how great America is expected to do, and let’s not tinker so fast with what’s already in motion, and the stock market just has been going nuts. Research and development. Let’s figure out how we can study and invest to do more to do well in the long term. The country is just eating it up. The popularity of Daniel Carlson is growing. Send D.C. to D.C. Because D.C. is good for America!

  Day 51

  Went back to Camp David. I wanted to rest. I read most of the day, and hung out with the close staff. We were preparing for the next great economic summit. I hope and a push to do nothing, and then encourage research and development. Innovation! That’s the key to an exciting future. I hate being bored.

  Day 52

  I met the Rebbe today. He was willing to meet with me at Camp David, even though he rarely left his community in Brooklyn. He arrived early in the morning, but left to go back to Brooklyn. He didn’t want to sleep outside of Brooklyn. We spoke for a while. I made him see me alone. I spoke to him under privilege, which took me a moment to make him understand. He politely said that he wouldn’t repeat our conversation.

  The Rebbe understood my frustration and pain. He told me that he too was a young appointed leader. Legend has it that his hair was straight and dark black when he became the leader of his Jewish community. He was only thirty-two when his father-in-law died and he succeeded him. For weeks he was tormented by the challenging and the lack of respect he received. He too had a dream. He went to visit his father-in-law. A woman greeted him and blessed him when he announced he was there to see the Rebbe. He was excited to see the Rebbe because usually that meant he would learn something about the Talmud, as he did several times before. In his dream he never spoke to the Rebbe, only saw him and touched his finger like Michelangelo’s painting of Adam touching the hand of God. He woke up right at the peak moment in the dream. But as legend had it, he said his hair and beard turned gray overnight. From that morning on, he was respected as an elder leader. “Maybe, I need to go gray,” I said. He answered: “Maybe you need to touch the hand of God, and that will bring you closer to light and grant you forgiveness so you can do something better, rather than repent and do nothing.” I didn’t ask how he knew. That was his message. Maybe I just need to touch the hand of God.

  Day 53

  Well word got out that I met with a Jewish leader so I had to meet with a large Christian contingency. It went well. I was preached to about an agenda for an hour. Then they met with other staff members. They loved my selection of Popalizio. They were really sure he was a pro-life Justice. I’m sure he would be, even though I couldn’t comment on such things publicly. He met the litmus test and that was good enough. But Popalizio was taking too much flak. That meant the White House was taking too much heat. I’ll sleep on it, but I’m going to have to speak with Popalizio in the afternoon.

  Day 54

  I told Bob Popalizio to withdraw his nomination. He agreed. He didn’t like the whole process. I thanked him. I gave him lauds for his incredible sacrifice. He was offered a professorship at Columbia and believes it was because of the nomination. I had a feeling something good would come out of it for him. I am certainly jealous. Somehow, I wish our roles were reversed. He couldn’t understand that. He always wanted to be President.

  At a press conference, I announced that I had accepted the withdrawal of Bob Popalizio with great regret. He was a man honorable enough to serve and yet he was a victim of a vicious system that very few of us could survive. I think most members of Congress went ‘whoop-de-do,’ in response to me chastising them. Some resent that I didn’t stick up for Bob hard enough. That’s okay, I understand the system, I won, and it’s still sad I had to play it like that.

  Day 55

  Peter and I went for a walk. He did so at my urging. We walked like we did at the beginning of my campaign for Senate. It was the walk of candor. He told me he wasn’t sure of what the outcome of the election in Ohio, Florida, and some New England States would be, so he made sure that it came out our way. The blood drained from me. I really had no idea, and if it ever came out, no one would ever believe that I didn’t know. I didn’t know what to say, but I said a lot. Peter had the nerve to say you have your secrets and I have mine. My secret actually helped Peter. I told him I’m surprised he didn’t know the difference. Peter said it was called the Chad project and had been going on for about two years, right after I almost got stabbed.

  “Did you set that up too, Peter?!” He didn’t say, no when he stormed off either. I yelled back he’s not getting away that easily. “Did you just turn your back on the President? We’re finishing this walk of candor!” I went back to the residence and drank Glen Livet straight up. It mixes well with the Zoloft.

  Day 56

  I had another sober late night walk with Peter. It was cold outside, and matched the way I felt all day. Peter assured me that there was nothing to a Florida Sun Sentinel investigation into the election. No one would believe I won an election by only several hundred votes. The counters had to be right. I confided in Peter I didn’t know what the hell a chad was and had an intern look it up for me. Could I have won? I asked Peter. He said he honestly didn’t know. We’re going to get caught. He said he would get caught, if someone was going to get cau
ght. But he’s Peter Spark, and he’s too good, and he won’t get caught. And the Geeks they wouldn’t talk under pressure. Peter said there was more than one group of Geeks and they all think they were the shadow group for the real Geeks. I guess I have to put them all on Boards of corporations.

  Day 57

  Blackness struck the country today. It was a sorrowful day. I am in complete pain, now that I am focusing on what happened. A lunatic walked into a mall in Cherry Hill, New Jersey and killed twenty-two people, most of them children. I’m a leader of the Western world and I’m powerless to do something about crimes to humanity like this. What a freak! I’m exhausted. Any chance America is ready for real gun control? No, some gun-nut lobbyists will probably say that the reason the shooter got twenty-two was because the twenty-two weren’t armed. Gun free zone = victim zone.

  I got approval from my political affairs staff. Apparently, when I was told of the shooting, I stared down at the ground in what looked like deep thought, for fifteen seconds. It felt like a half an hour, but it wasn’t. I looked up and apologized, but advised that an emergency situation came up and had to leave. Waved to the people who were around, and went back to the White House via Marine One.

  I can’t even write. I guess I’m President, and there is no election scandal that can undo that now.

  Day 58

  The world seems dark to me. My whole administration has to be completely refocused so hard and fast that my stomach is sick and I have a stiff neck. The real tragedy of domestic terrorism. We have to focus on protecting ourselves against them and not educating our children, or anything else I’d rather was more important. On Maslow’s hierarchy we were doing so well as a country. I got the country to self-actualize. I got the country focused on the important stuff. The Renaissance of a nation. I got this country excited about research and development, education and training, employment. The Arts! Now, we’ll have to spend a whole lot of time building America’s confidence to go back to a mall and see a movie! The Hawks in my party will be seizing the opportunity. They told us so. Deep down inside, I think they really are enjoying this whole thing.