Let It Burn

by Dee Ellis

  Charli

  I never realized how calculating I can be. Robotic even. For most my life, I fit into whatever mold everyone else thought I should. Baby sister to my brothers, to be protected and walked all over.

  Doting daughter to a father who had one foot out the door for years. Devoted to a mama who thought lies were the best way to protect me.

  Smiling, lovesick bride to be to the boy who never wanted to come home for the wedding. Who never would.

  Broken, grief stricken nothing to everyone in my home town who used my life and its tragedies as a conversation piece. I just went along with it, never fighting back or calling out my frustration.

  Apparently along the way, the only thing I had learned was to shutter myself. Close myself off to people I wasn’t willing to deal with. When the whispers about my mourning not lasting long enough, not seeming genuine enough started, I shut people out.

  When people asked too many questions about Tucker before I was ready, I responded with silence. I shielded the bullshit like a fucking warrior. Now I was so good at it, I did it even when I didn’t know it. When I didn’t even mean to, or really even want to. Lately though...at least for the last few days, I hadn’t been so good at shielding.

  Cage had left me hungry for him, stung by his rejection when I wanted more. Livid that he thought he got to decide for me. I was fucking sick to death of people deciding for me. Of feeling bad when they already made choices I had no part in.

  After leaving me on my doorstep all but pleading for him to take me, I was hurt and angry. That anger shifted focus once I heard Lola talking about him like it was common knowledge he otherwise had no issues taking what he was offered.

  When I saw him this morning, looking amazing and excited, I kind of forgot I was mad at all. Sweet Jesus, Cage is gorgeous when he smiles; all bright, perfect teeth and that fucking dimple. Then Lola made a point of being flirtatious and I remembered my anger.

  If he noticed my anger, it seemed to only make him sweeter. As if he not only noticed it, but had every idea just what it was about. Then he made with the touching me and coming so close I could see the flecks of yellow in his eyes. Absolutely unfair to use his charms on me that way. I almost told him as such, but thought he already knew that.

  When we headed out to pick up the kids, he followed close behind, intoxicating me with his musky, leathery scent. Then just when I was ready to give him a piece of my mind, he took my hand. It was the way he did it that didn’t have me snatching it away.

  Cage touched me like he owned me, but needed the touch to confirm it. Every. Single. Time. Like he was reaching out to remind himself I was real, and he was so overwhelmed when he found I was. So I let him hold my hand. The squeeze he gave at my fingers shot right between my legs and I clutched my thighs tight. I’d had enough orgasms with his name on them for one day.

  My skin flushed as I thought of calling out his name last night as I came. Wondered what Cage would think of that if he knew. Part of me wanted to tease him with that truth. A part of me I never knew existed because I wasn’t sexy or wanton. At least I never was before Cage.

  The confidence that he held in his promise to me, that there was some future for us, made me want to believe him. But I couldn’t. I didn’t know him and he didn’t know me. Didn’t know all the luggage that traveled with me. Besides that, I didn’t doubt he bedded women at random. I couldn’t live up to the type of women he’d buried himself in. I didn’t even want to try.

  What’s more, if I was foolish enough to let him convince me, it would break my heart to let him into it. Because sooner or later, I would lose him too. I couldn’t handle that again. That meant there was no future there, not for me and Cage. Not for me and anyone.

  Sara was pointedly ignoring the conversation we were having about just that fact, but I knew she heard every word. Once or twice our eyes met and she seemed cautious and worried. Which meant we would be talking later because I wanted to know what was behind that. Right now I was struggling to think at all because Cage was close to me, saying shit I never thought I might want to hear.

  Turns out, if he was the one saying it, apparently I did. Not only was my body a traitor, letting him touch me, wanting it, leaning into it when he did. Apparently, my heart was too because I wanted whatever he offered. My mind, however, was there to save me because his sweet talk had to be stopped.

  “From what I hear whispers of, Cage,” His eyes flashed when I said his name but I pressed on, ice in my words, “That must be new territory for you.”

  “Abso-fucking-lutely. Charli Dixon,” Cage’s voice held such conviction, I searched his face for a hint it was nothing but lies, “you are an entirely new world to me. I may hide it better but I’m likely a fuck of a lot more scared than you are right now.”

  “You don’t know shit about me! You assume those sweet promises you made within hours of meeting me were what I needed? What I came here for? Wrong, baby. I came here, left my family and my home and...my life, for me. Just because I think you’re attractive, because I may want to fuck you,” Sweet Jesus it felt good to say, to see the way his light eyes darkened and hooded, “doesn’t mean I need you Cage.” I nearly winced at how bitchy I sounded but it was my only weapon against him.

  Cage flinched and a nerve twitched in his jaw before he turned away. I wanted to take it all back the minute he shut himself down. I hated that he was so open and honest and I was lying and closed off. I wanted him. More than I could handle right now and definitely for more than just sex. Somehow I knew it could never be just that with Cage.

  That he absolutely believed his words and if I ever let him fuck me, because we both wanted it, he’d never stop. I’d never shake him if I didn’t lie and push him away now. I couldn’t let him touch me or kiss me and I couldn’t let him fuck me. Neither one of us would turn away after and that’s why he wanted me to ask him for it. Because if I did, it was my accepting that I believed his promises.

  Before I could confuse him and fuck things up more, the kids were there and then we were headed towards the training tower. I had spoken to Sara at length about the training tower, so I knew what I was about to witness.

  Then again, that was before I was so twisted up over Cage. Now, I had to sit and watch my fears become reality. I had almost backed out of it this morning. Which is why Sara was with us; in case I couldn’t handle it. I hadn’t told her everything about Cage but she didn’t need details. Sara knew he was playfully pursuing me and that I was running hard and fast in the opposite direction.

  For two agonizing hours, I watched Cage battle the fires and fight through roiling clouds of smoke. If I had been closed off to him before watching him risk his life, I was shuttered to the entire world now.

  Cage didn’t give up though. In between each contained fire, which they quickly and efficiently put out, he came to me. As if to reassure me he was in one piece.

  His hands would come out, marred in soot and sweat and I wanted the touch. Needed it to confirm he was okay. Yet each time, I winced to the touch and he backed away. It was eating at him, to see me so upset and I knew that meant something. Knew that it mattered.

  I couldn’t focus though; could only think of the horror stories his friends at the station had told us. Could only see him banged up and changed forever after losing a battle with a fire. I thought of Tucker and the fiery, painful death he had endured. I knew too many details because his friends too, had liked to share.

  I often dreamt of him, or I had until recently; burning and crying in pain as the Humvee he was in exploded into bits. Saw his face as it was before he left for another country, to fight a war that shouldn’t have been waged. Handsome and full of hope and life before it twisted into a flaming, fleshy figure I couldn’t recognize. The loss I could suffer because of Cage was too similar to the wounds that hadn’t yet scarred over.

  We were all quiet, except the kids, as we headed for lunch. Cage kept close to me and I wanted to thank him, to tell him how badly I needed his pre
sence. Then I realized that I did need it. Wanted it so badly and yet I was pushing him away. I was more confused than ever when we sat through lunch and he carried on with the others, ignoring me completely.

  I deserved it, had all but asked for it with my harsh lies earlier. It stung though; made me ache in places I hadn’t hurt before. I watched him as he laughed and joked with the kids, so charming and beautiful. Whenever his eyes found me watching him, I couldn’t hold his gaze. I was confused and ashamed and hated how quickly I was ready to give in to him.

  I did my best to pretend that all the mean, nasty things I said earlier were true. I laughed with the kids as they talked about Cage and the others impressive work today. Devon seemed so taken with Cage; he truly thought he was a hero.

  With Devon he really kind of was; he paid attention to him and talked to him with respect. Cage was offering Devon a real chance at something concrete and from what I knew of Devon’s past, there wasn’t much of that.

  I watched them talk quietly, Cage always listening openly and seeming truly invested. It was a turn on, as if he needed more ways to turn me on. I imagined him with kids, with little ones that had his dimples and my gray eyes and my thighs trembled and I had to cross my legs.

  “Was it your family that made you want to do it, Cage?” Devon asked around a bite of the huge slice of pepperoni pizza he was working on.

  “Yeah, I think so. I mean my pop is a lifetime fire fighter. My uncles are both in the life. An uncle on my Mom’s side,” Cage’s voice was thick with sadness and I watched him struggle, “he was an EMT.”

  For a long moment the table was quiet, except Jade who was flirting with the waiter. Sara reached out and tugged at his ear and something passed between the two. As if they both struggled with the same loss. Any walls I might be trying to build to keep him out, crumbled. I wanted to take his hand and feel his pain instead of making him endure it.

  As if he could transfer the pain of losing someone that clearly meant so much to him, to me. So I could bear it with my own losses. I knew then that no matter what fight I would put up, because I knew my fight wasn’t done just yet, it was too late. When his eyes found mine, their honey hazel depths watery and pained, I knew.

  Did not matter if I had been prepared for Cage to come into my life or not. Didn’t matter how terrified I was of letting someone in just to lose them. It didn’t even matter that he scared me because I felt like I was already his. Just like he wanted me to believe he was already mine.

  Sitting there, watching him fight his sadness and win, I knew none of that mattered. I knew that my struggle to protect myself wasn’t over and yet he understood that. Cage had promised to fight my ghosts and now I wanted to slaughter his. I knew as we sat in that pizza joint, the air thick with loss it was too late.

  I was already a little bit in love with Cage Cooper.

  1

  Cage had amazing hands. They had touched me so often already but not quite the way I wanted. Holding my hand once. Slipping up my thighs, his calloused fingers burning my skin. Just before his thumbs pressed against my wet, aching pussy. Again, not quite the way I wanted because we hadn’t been alone.

  Even gentle touches still they burned me as if he were branding me. Which I kind of think he was, even if he didn’t know it. Branding me as his because we both knew I already was. No matter the cold words I had flung at him like weapons to keep him away. They hadn’t harmed him enough to work and I was thankful.

  Now we sat riding back to the library and our hands were laced together. I loved the weight of his palm pressing atop mine. The feel of his strong, thick fingers clutching mine tightly. I touched him because he needed it. Maybe I needed it too. Then I couldn’t let go and I was glad he didn’t either. Sliding close to his side, feeling his strong shoulder against my bare one, I felt light. Airy like the crisp breeze swirling fallen leaves through the air around us.

  Being close to him both calmed and excited me in ways I had never known possible. The more I got of feeling his warmth and hardness against my softness, the more I craved.

  When we reached the library, I wanted to yank him into my office and tell him the words he knew I’d say. That I wanted him and I wouldn’t lie about it again. I didn’t get the chance because Sara told me to meet her in her office once I was done with the kids. Instead of having my way with Cage, as the pulsing between my thighs and the painful ache of my tits wanted, I had a bad feeling she had bad news for me.

  I caught her worried glances between the two of us. So I figured it might be wise to wait. So when I went to find Cage, and found him whispering with Lola, my heart sank.

  However, when I stepped behind the reference desk, he dismissed Lola completely, coming to slide a book between us. I frowned, eyes darting between the two, finding Lola beaming at me before Cage startled me.

  “Later, Sugar,” Leaning over the mahogany desk top, he took my hand and held my gaze, “Thank you for...thank you.” Cage’s voice was low and sexy and my lady bits reacted accordingly.

  “B... bye Cage.” I watched him until he was gone, confused by his quiet departure.

  “That is for you.” Lola nodded with a knowing smirk toward the book Cage had left.

  “What? Why?” I could feel her excitement so I thought better about asking more questions.

  My hand pressed to the cover of the book, feeling the leftover warmth from him holding it moments before. Pride and Prejudice. Not light reading exactly and certainly not something I expected Cage to check out. Opening the leather cover, I saw a torn piece of notebook.

  Scrawled on it was a long note, in very neat squared off writing. My name at the top, Cage’s signature at the bottom. My skin flushed with heat because it was the cutest thing I had ever seen. Slamming the book shut when I felt Lola hovering, I did my best to appear nonchalant. Clutching the book to my chest, I ignored her smirk and headed to Sara’s office.

  As I walked, I opened the book again, letting my fingers run over the writing he had left for me. I wanted to read it, but it was longer than a little note and I felt a lot more important. I had shut him out before so he had found a way. The truth of that touched me and I wished I’d ignored Sara’s request and brought him to my office.

  Then again, I had every idea Sara wanted me in her office because of Cage. Maybe she thought she was saving me from something. Protecting me from him somehow. Oh she could try. I certainly had. At this point I kind of felt like nothing was going to stop this thing between us. I wanted Cage and he wanted me and it didn’t make sense and scared the shit out of me. But I wanted it.

  Standing outside Sara’s office, I braced myself. I know whatever she wanted to discuss had to do with him. With what she saw happening between us. What I know I should fight but no longer wanted to. Whatever she had to say would be because she wanted to protect me.

  It would hurt, I was certain of that. Because it was meant to discourage me from considering Cage as an option. Which Sara was wise to do. Didn’t mean it would work. I am too far gone to turn back now. I knock gently once, and then push the door open. I clutch the book with Cage’s note inside, using it like a shield for what she’s about to say.

  “Come in, Pet. Sit down with me. Want some tea?” Sara was friendly but cautious as if she knew I was preparing myself for her interfering.

  “No thank you. So... what do you need to discuss?” I sat across from her on the leather couch, pressing the book to my lap.

  “Well...look I already broached the subject of Cage once. I love that boy like the son I never had. I do. I just...I know more than you realize why you’re here, Charli. Why you needed the fresh start in a new place with nothing holding you back. Cage is.... he’s an intense individual. I see how he looks at you and how you look at him. I see him as the anchor to your sails and I don’t want that for you.” Well shit she was direct.

  “You’re right. I know you are. I left Iowa because.... the ghosts...my ghosts were never going to let me rest. Not there. I need something for myself
, that’s not tied to anyone else or has me owing anyone else. This library is it, Sara. You having faith in me to lead that program. Those kids. That’s why I’m here.” I didn’t realize it before I said it, but I knew it was true.

  “Cage is just...he’s a good man, like his father. I just want you to know...to go in to whatever you decide to do here, with your eyes open. I just had a talk with Cage because,” She set her tea aside and cleared her throat, “...well because he’s got quite the reputation for the company he keeps. We were all frustrated because he’s...he’s better than Finn Cooper and those ragamuffins he hangs out with at O’Malley’s.”

  Sara nearly shouted this, as if she had told him time and time again he was not that kind of man. But he decided to act like he was, anyway. Which is what Finn had meant about the bunnies, as he had called them, at the bars they frequented. That day at the fire house, he had insisted I hang out with them at the bars. More for the ‘badge bunnies’ benefit than my own.

  I had no idea what he meant before an angry Cage had cut him off with a glare. When Lola mentioned she had heard about Cage, I assumed it meant the same thing. Cage Cooper was every bit the manwhore I had feared. Which explained so much and yet not even close to enough about the Cage I knew.

  Cold washed over me and I waited for it to ruin the feelings Cage was stirring in me. I knew it would. Any moment now. I’d be disgusted and angry because.... because he led a life that included burying himself in whoever would let him. Before. Before he met me and I met him.

  My hands closed tightly around the book, rubbing the spot where the title was embossed in gold. I bit back the smile that was working its way up. Because clearly I was a mad woman. I had to be; I knew it should bother me, and in a way it did. But not the way I expected, and certainly not the way Sara intended.

  What I felt was pure, raging jealousy. I wanted to know how many, how often, where, and most importantly, why. As Sara went on about Cage I was hardly paying attention. I was thinking about how I could compete. How I could make him forget the other girls. However, many there might have been, before me.