The Rennillia Series: Volumes 1-5

by M. Sembera

  Jackson grabbed hold of me squeezing my arm.

  “Ren, I’m so sorry,” he apologized.

  Pulling back, I shrugged saying, “There’s nothing for you to be sorry about. I knew better than to go there and I went anyway. When it got really bad, I just couldn’t make myself leave until I found out I was pregnant.”

  A thought of how different things would be if I had ended up with Jacks that night instead of HIM flickered in my mind causing instant remorse to course through me.

  I wanted my husband to come home. As much as I missed my friendship with Em, and as nice as it was for Jackson to sort of be on my side, it was Hert I wanted.

  Taking a deep breath, I hopped up asking Jacks, “Can you stay in here with Sophia for a little bit? If she wakes up before I get back just holler for me.”

  Before he could say no I darted out of the room. Racing down the stairs and into the kitchen, I found Emerson.

  Stopping at the edge of the table, I shouted, “Where’s Hert?”

  Em calmly answered, “Out of town?”

  Unable to stay calm, I threatened, “If you don’t tell me, I will call your father and ask him.”

  His expression was suddenly solemn.

  I quickly added, “Either you tell me or I will call him.”

  His eyes searched mine for a second before confessing, “I don’t know where he is.”

  I slowly nodded, asking, “Do you know how to get in touch with him?”

  He forced out a, “Yes.”

  Shaking my head, I demanded, “Well, you get in touch with Mr. Herterand and you tell him his wife wants him home.”

  Racing back upstairs I stuck my head in Sophia’s doorway whispering to Jacks, “Give me one more minute.”

  I walked to my room counted to ten and picked up the phone. All I wanted was to hear Hert’s voice. To hear him say he was coming home. A lady answered the phone and Emerson asked for his room number. I hung up when I heard Hert say 'hello'. Feeling sick, I realized that Emerson had lied to me and knew exactly where Hert was.

  Stumbling back to the nursery, I fought the urge to throw up.

  Jackson was on his feet asking, “Ren, are you okay?”

  I just shook my head and lay down on my old bed. I wanted to cry but I couldn’t.

  Taking deep panicked breaths, I choked out, “Hert didn’t leave town.”

  Jacks sat on the side of the bed grabbing my face with his hands as he ordered, “Ren, you have to calm down. I mean it Ren. Right now!”

  It took a while but I eventually caught my breath and Jackson let go of me.

  Slowly sitting up, I offered, “I’m sorry. I’m okay now, really. Please tell Em I said never mind. I’m just over tired. I think I need some sleep.”

  Jackson’s eyes questioned me while he replied, “Would it be alright if I stayed in here? You know take my turn with Sophia. Try out the whole feeding her thing. You can get some sleep and if I need you I’ll just wake you up. Is that okay?”

  I knew he didn’t really want to help with her but I did not feel like arguing.

  Trying to sound grateful, I said, “That would be really nice, thank you.”

  Waking up much later, I noticed both Sophia and Jackson gone. Feeling there was no need to panic, I was sure he took her downstairs with Emerson. I decided to freshen up and take a shower. After my shower, I would go downstairs with a new attitude about the whole situation. I would get farther with them if I was calm. Before I made it to the stairs, I heard Emerson and Jackson talking and then Hert. My first instinct was to run down the stairs and throw my arms around him.

  I stopped myself when I heard Jackson say, “You can’t keep doing this to her. She deserves to know everything. Do ya’ll really want her to go insane? Everything bad that’s happened to her is on us. It’s just going to get worse unless you tell her.”

  Quietly standing out of sight, I continued listening to them.

  Hert’s voice was angry as he disagreed with Jackson, “She will be fine. I’ll talk to her but…”

  Jackson quickly cut him off, saying, “How can you say that knowing we are the reason she ended up with HIM?”

  There was silence.

  I heard Jacksons voice again, “She never told ya’ll.”

  Silence again.

  “Oh I see, just like she told me she knew better. We should have told her,” Jacks urged.

  Hert’s voice was loud when I heard him say, “She was already with HIM...And you’re overstepping!”

  Emerson hushed him most likely for Sophia.

  Jackson shouted right back, “No not like that she wasn’t and I’m what? Oh we all know she’s yours Hert! Ask yourself this, why was it me she told?”

  Emerson started, “Ya’ll both need to…”

  He was cut off by Hert shouting, “She is my wife! You know you can’t tell her!”

  The last thing I heard Jackson yell was, “I know I can’t! And when she leaves your ass 'cause you won’t. You remember what I said!” then the back door slammed shut.

  It was silent for a few minutes until I heard Emerson ask, “Do you need to go?”

  Hert’s voice was calm when he answered, “No, I’m done.”

  After another long pause, Hert asked, “Can you watch Sophia?”

  I didn’t hear anything else so I went to our room to wait for him. Not sure how to greet him, I sat down on the bed.

  When Hert walked through the door, I couldn’t stop my heart from racing. I wanted him to come over and hold me, for him to softly kiss me. Filled with conflicting emotions, I did not want to be angry with Hert but I was. Hert gave the impression he wasn’t sure what do either. I flashed back to the night in the dining room several months ago. Both of us wary of one another; unsure of how to act or what to say. Feeling like we were back to that first night, I stared at Hert waiting for him to say something, anything, to explain how he could betray me like that.

  Finally, he spoke, “I’m going to take a quick shower. Sophia is downstairs with Roberts. Please don’t leave until I come out. Okay?”

  Hert’s voice was calm and his words seemed well thought out. As I nodded at him, I realized I would have to keep control of my emotions if I was going to get what I wanted.

  All the anger I felt towards Hert didn’t change the instant yearning that came with him stepping out of the bathroom in only a towel. Determined to stay focused, I forced visions of Hert pressed against me with only that towel standing between us, out of my mind. Trying to keep my line of sight eye level with him, watching Hert get dressed offered no relief.

  Anger and frustration won out when I snapped, “Quit stalling!”

  Hert walked towards me with a smirk on his face.

  Holding my arm out, I cautioned, “Don’t come anywhere near me unless you plan on telling me what I want to know.”

  He continued to the bed sitting next to me. Scooting back, I wanted space between us.

  Hert started by saying, “Look Renni, there are things I don’t want you to know.”

  Glaring at him, I replied, “That’s the dumbest thing I have ever heard. What things?”

  Without even blinking he stated, “Renni I love you, you can ask me whatever you want but to be clear there are things I am not going to tell you.”

  Infuriated, I questioned, “Are you going to lie to me?”

  In a matter of fact tone, Hert answered, “No, I’m not going to lie. I just won’t provide answers but you hide things from me too so if you get to question me it’s only fair I get a few of mine answered.”

  Knowing Hert, I considered my options asking, “Do I get the same exception as you?”

  With a clinched jaw he nodded. Something was better than nothing so I agreed.

  Chapter 5

  Carefully deciding how to start, I resigned to asking the obvious.

  I started with, “Why did you lie and tell me you were going out of town?”

  Hert looked directly at me, answering, “I didn’t. I was going to but i
t turned out to be unnecessary.”

  Trying to hide how much his response hurt me, I asked, “Then why didn’t you come right home?”

  Hert remained impassive as he answered, “I would have come home in the morning. I thought maybe you and Roberts could settle things if I was gone.”

  Thinking whatever was unsettled between Emerson and I was beside the point, I asked, “Why are Em and Jacks not allowed to tell me things?”

  Hert answered, “Because you are my wife.”

  Changing tactics for my questioning, I continued to press, “What will Emerson be done with in two weeks?”

  Continuing to be evasive, Hert responded, “Work.”

  I asked, “What was it that ya’ll should have told me?”

  Tightening his jaw, there was no response.

  Hert looked carefully at me as he stated, “Okay, it’s my turn.”

  Shaking my head, I argued, “No, I’m not done.”

  With more sarcasm than I liked, Hert informed, “That’s why I said it’s my turn. You can ask more when it’s your turn again.”

  Unhappy with his vast knowledge of me, I conceded as our game continued.

  Hert wasn’t going to run the risk of answering my questions and having me back out of our agreement. If I wanted to ask more questions I would have to give him some answers.

  Hert started with, “Why are you telling Jackson personal information about yourself?”

  Deciding to play this game on his level, I evasively answered, “Because he is my friend.”

  Hert asked, “How much of our conversation did you overhear?"

  Lying through my teeth, I stated, “All of it.”

  With a serious expression Hert asked, “Are you thinking about leaving me?”

  Glaring at him, I held my breath to keep myself from answering.

  Narrowing his eyes at me, Hert asked, “Are you going to answer me?”

  Shaking my head, I answered, “No.”

  Hert asked, “What do you think is going on?”

  I answered, “The usual. You and Emerson are keeping things from me and now Jackson is doing it too.”

  Thinking I had him right where I wanted him by not answering his ‘are you going to leave me’ question, I knew if I had answered truthfully, Hert wouldn’t consider this serious enough to continue.

  I raised my hand and stopped him before he asked another question, “I got five questions you get five questions," then asked, “Why does Jackson think that the three of you are responsible for me ending up with HIM?”

  Growing impatient with my question, Hert snapped, “He’s a jackass.”

  Determined to get real answers, I asked, “What were you supposed to go out of town for? And don’t say work.”

  Hert continued to dance around what I needed to know by answering, “A business meeting.”

  Gritting my teeth, I pressed, “What kind of business?

  Hert answered, “MR Industries business.”

  Realizing that he was not going to cooperate, I tried a new tactic and asked, “Do you really love me?”

  Hert paused for a moment before answering, “Of course I do.”

  “Jackson thinks I have a right to know what is going on, why won't you tell me?” I pleaded.

  Hert glanced down at the floor as he replied, “Sometimes it’s better not to know.”

  Reaching out to take my hand Hert confessed, “Renni, I don’t want you to know. If you can’t just trust me that it is better you don’t know then I will make a deal with you. Tell me exactly what you told Jackson and I promise to tell you what you need to know. But you have to answer everything I ask you about it first.”

  Narrowing my eyes I said, “Okay, but if I do and you don’t follow through, I will never trust you again.”

  Hert pulled me to him urging, “Let’s just get this over with.”

  I grasped the fact that Hert was going to ask me things that neither of us really wanted me to answer in order to justify telling me what they were hiding.

  Sliding away from Hert, I told him, “I should have been at home instead of here with Em the night my parents died. When I got the call the next morning, I just had to get away from here. I couldn’t go to your apartment because I knew you were still angry with me for not going on the trip with ya’ll and you had already been through so much with your mother,” pausing when I saw the way he cringed at my reason for not going to him, it made me sad to say it but it was the truth so I continued, “I called around and couldn’t find Jacks, so I went to HIS house. I was upset and sad, I told HIM that I had no family. He said he needed me and that made what happened easier to handle. I felt lost and alone and it was easy to give in to him. I gave in and that was my first time,” then disgusted with myself for being so stupid, I said, “That’s what I told him. I’m sorry.”

  Hert looked sickened as he admitted, “Jackson was right. It was our fault.”

  Confused I asked, “I don’t understand how my bad decision is anyone’s fault but mine.”

  I waited for him to ask more questions, instead he remained quiet.

  Hert’s voice was pleading as he explained, “I wasn’t so mad at you that I wouldn’t have been there for you. What happened with my mother was rough but Renni you could have come to me,” then my face was in his hands as he stared into my eyes and pledged, “I needed you. I still need you. I don’t have anything without you. I hate that HE used that to get you into bed but I hate it more that you didn’t think that you could come to me when you needed someone.”

  Slowly letting go of my face, he stated, “I should have told you before it happened. It was just so much easier not to.”

  Afraid that I might lose my nerve, I urged him to continue, “So tell me now.”

  With a grim expression across his face, Hert stood up.

  He stayed on his feet saying, “I hope you still love me after I tell you,” and then he told me, “It’s a long story, so I’ll give you the short version. Your father did some things he shouldn’t have and made the wrong people mad. Please believe me when I tell you none of us had anything to do with what happened to your parents. If anything, I did everything I could to stop it from happening. When I found out that no amount of persuading was possible, the only thing I could do was make sure you weren’t there when it happened. Roberts knew too and we told Jackson so he wouldn’t let something slip without knowing how serious it was. So we made sure you stayed here that night. I’m sorry you blamed yourself. If you were there Renni, you would have been gone too.”

  Remembering Emerson trying to console me after I found out, telling me the exact same thing that I would have been gone too. I was numb all over. I never felt like I really knew my parents and now I was sure that was true.

  Feeling like I needed to know more, I asked, “What did he do?”

  Hert walked over to the bed standing in front of me and replied, “He took money that wasn’t his to take from people that you just don’t do that too.”

  I asked, “So how did you know about it?”

  Hert cautiously answered, “That was my job. To know what was going on.”

  Not able to fully comprehend what he was saying, I asked, “I thought you have been working for Mr. Roberts since you were seventeen?”

  Hert sat down next to me saying, “I have.”

  Disturbed by the revelations, I inquired, “What do you do now?”

  Hert took my hand, replying, “I negotiate contacts.”

  Gasping, I probed, “What kind of contracts?”

  With a slight smile Hert responded, “Not the kind your thinking. There are all different kinds of contracts I deal with. Just so you know none of them have to do with killing people in case that’s what you were thinking.”

  A little relieved, but still very confused I needed more information, “So before your promotion what did you do?”

  Clearing his throat, he admitted, “I’m not sure what the title would be, Persuader maybe. I did a lot of paper work too. Jackson i
s the accountant, he’s really good at it and I keep the files.”

  Leaning my head to the side, I asked, “Persuader?”

  Hert seem oddly motivated, explaining, “Yeah, you know, I would have a meeting and persuade people to…Well, do what was good for everyone.”

  Raising an eyebrow, I suspected, “And that’s what you were supposed to do today?”

  He nodded.

  As I began to comprehend what Hert was telling me, this new knowledge made me uneasy. I felt dizzy as all of the puzzle pieces started to fit together, ‘Emerson was kind of a big deal’, ‘we can be very persuasive’, ‘He needs to be reminded’, ‘It’s not my job it’s his’ and ‘Hert is really good at what he does’. There seemed to be strict rules. Apparently Hert was the only one allowed to inform me of things. It was forbidden for anyone else to because I was his wife. Now understanding why Jackson said ‘if you ever decide this isn’t what you want’ clearly it wasn’t an issue of friendship it was loyalty.

  Another thought struck me before I expressed, “I asked Jackson earlier if any of this had to do with HIM and he said kinda but it was bigger than just him. What did Jackson mean?”

  Sighing aloud, Hert said, “It’s not a big deal. HE was causing some problems for us but it is under control. I promise it’s nothing for you to worry about,” before he gently placed his hand on my cheek asking, “Are you okay?”

  It was hard for me to come up with an answer. I thought I was the one making all the wrong choices. There was some comfort in the realization that we were all horribly flawed.

  Lying back on the bed, I contemplated how I should feel. I wasn’t upset but I wasn’t happy either.

  “Hert,” I whispered staring at the ceiling.

  He laid down next to me, positioning his lips to my ear, “I love you.”

  Not moving, I shared, “I love you Hert, I just…I don’t understand. If you thought it wasn’t safe to tell me my parents were in danger that’s one thing but you obviously knew when it was going to happen. I shouldn’t have had to come to your door crying telling you what happened because you already knew. Why weren’t you here when the police called me? You knew. Why weren’t you here?”