The Last Time Traveler

by Aaron J. Ethridge

  “Candy?”

  “Nah,” the traveler said. “I'd be too tempted to buy Cleo honey flavored candy. And if she ate any I would completely lose it. I have to choose my battles, ya know?”

  “I feel ya. But what if all this prep work causes Cleo to lose it?”

  “Mmmm,” Robert replied thoughtfully. “That's actually a good point... I'm wanting to push her up to the very edge of maddening, frenzied, irresistible desire, but not over it... Eh, I'll take the chance. You just have to stay on your toes. If anything goes wrong just punch me in the gut. That'll bring me 'round pretty quick.”

  “Can do my, friend,” Morgan smiled.

  With their plans made the friends set out. Over the course of the next few hours they got the aforementioned haircuts, suits, ordered flowers, etc. Even Morgan had to admit that his transformation was fairly impressive. As he stood gazing at himself in the mirror of the tailor's shop he had a hard time believing he was actually him. Having made all their arrangements and preparations the two crept back onto the ship wearing stealth generators and went straight to bed. Robert was very serious about his intention of not letting the girls see them at all until their date.

  The next day was essentially spent in hiding by the two young men. Morgan completely agreed with Robert's drop the bomb on them theory and hoped to leave a very lasting impression on Azure. If he played his cards just right, and got incredibly lucky, there could theoretically be a second date. That was something worth fighting for.

  The time crawled slowly by as the two young men sat locked in Robert's room talking the day away. At last, however, the hour of preparation arrived and Morgan headed to his room to take a quick shower and get dressed. As soon as he was ready he headed back to the traveler's quarters to wait out the few remaining minutes. Robert was still putting the finishing touches on his attire. He planned to take Cleo to within about three inches of the point of no return. And that kind of precision took planning and effort.

  As Morgan wandered around Robert's room waiting for him to finish up, something attracted the young man's attention. It was a bottle of cologne. And, as chicks clearly dig cologne, he decided to spray it all over himself.

  “Geez!” Morgan exclaimed with a cough. “What is this?!?! It’s really familiar somehow, but it smells kind of funky.”

  “It’s my cologne, genius!” Robert replied, glancing over at the young man with a smile.

  “I figured that! That’s why I put it on.” Morgan explained. “Cleo seems to love the way you smell.”

  “Exactly you moron!” the traveler pointed out. “She loves the way I smell! I’ve explained this to you before, man. To her, my body odor is like pheromone filled perfume. Well… as long as I’ve had a shower recently.”

  “So…” Morgan mused. “When you say this is your cologne…”

  “Yes! Exactly!” Robert chuckled. “It smells just like me!”

  “Man! This is just…” the young man replied with a look of disgust on his face. “I need another shower now!”

  “Well, we ain’t got time now!” the traveler pointed-out. “Just try to be glad that Cleo’ll think you don’t stink for change!”

  “She thinks I stink?” Morgan asked defensively. “And why would you have cologne that smells like you? You really are a megalomaniac!”

  “It’s just one of the weapons I use in me and Cleo’s little frustration war.”

  “Frustration war?” the man asked.

  “Yeah…” Robert chuckled again. “You see, Cleo knows what she does to me. So when she’s mad… Well, she always kinda mad… But when she’s mad enough that she wants to do something special, but doesn’t want to scratch my eyes out, she’ll go down to the gym and work out for a couple of hours. Once she’s finished she’ll come sit near me wherever I’m trying to work. Nine times out of ten I end up on my bed eating honey in less than an hour…”

  “Man… and that’s where the cologne comes in?”

  “Oh yeah!” the traveler exclaimed. “It’s like seriously concentrated. And so when I feel like it’s time for a little payback, I spray it all over myself and pretend I need to something from whatever room she happens to be in.”

  “Rob, man…” Morgan replied, slowly shaking his head, “you guys have a really weird relationship.”

  “Yeah…” the traveler agreed. “But it’s a lotta fun. Let’s go!”

  Moments later the young men were standing just outside the girls' rooms. Each of them stepped up and knocked on one of the doors. Roughly five seconds later both chambers opened simultaneously. Yeah... the girls had worked that out... they wanted to drop a little bomb themselves... And drop a bomb they did!

  Individually they would have been gorgeous to any male between the ages of about three and stone dead, but together they sported an almost emotionally crippling level of beauty. For one thing they had decided to coordinate. They were dressed identically with the exception of the color of their garments. Azure was attired in green, Cleo in blue. The dresses themselves were very elegant, stopped a short distance above the young ladies' knees, and left their arms completely bare. This was unquestionably the least dressed Morgan had ever seen either of them.

  They also each wore a pair of silver bracelets, a silver choker, and dangling silver earrings. Their shoes had just enough high-heel to them to raise their eyes almost, but not quite, to the level of their respective male companions. Each of them had also painted their fingernails the color of the other and they had taken a good deal of time with their hair. Although it was up, loose curls hung down beside their faces. All things considered Morgan could have cut his own throat for not thinking to bring a camera. Or even a video camera...

  Each of the young men swallowed before holding out their dozen roses to the ladies. Azure received a bouquet of green flowers, Cleo one of blue. Which, considering how they had decided to dress, made the guys look like they were mind readers or something...

  “This, Rob,” Cleo said, stepping from the doorway with a wide smile, running her hand slowly down his lapel. “This does something for me.”

  “I'll certainly keep it in mind,” he replied swallowing again.

  “And...” she said, gently sniffing the air. “Is that... Is that you, Morgan?”

  “Yeah,” he confessed. “I think I may have used a little bit too much cologne.”

  “Not at all,” she replied, smelling the air again. “You smell good!”

  “You do!” Azure replied, stepping within inches of the young man and taking a few deep breaths through her nose. “You smell really, really good! I don't know how much you paid for that cologne, but it was worth every penny!”

  “Rob,” Morgan said, snapping his head toward his companion. “I hate your guts. You do know that right?”

  “I think you've mentioned it before,” Robert chuckled.

  “What?” Cleo asked.

  “Nothing,” the traveler smiled. “Me and Morgan were just messin' with each other earlier and I'm pretty sure I just won. Anyways, if you ladies will give us a couple of minutes there are a couple of things we need to take care of real quick and then we can head out.”

  “Okay,” Cleo replied, running her hand across his chest. “But don't keep us waiting long.”

  “No,” Azure said taking another deep breath of Morgan's cologne. “Please don't.”

  “Don't worry,” Robert replied, “we won't.”

  The two men turned and started making their way toward the medi-bay.

  “I can't believe this,” the young man said slightly sullenly. “I get to spend an evening with the girl of my dreams and she just loves the way you smell. I think I'm gonna be sick...”

  “I wouldn't worry about it,” Robert laughed. “The truth is...”

  “The cologne doesn't smell like you?”

  “Of course it smells like me! However, the females of Azure's people are just naturally attracted to the musk of the human male. It would've probably done the same thing if you had sprayed concentra
ted Morgan all over you.”

  “That's some consolation, I guess,” the young man admitted. “Still... I'm all covered in your musk. And that don't exactly fill my heart with joy...”

  “Well, I'm sure Azure'll be able to help you deal with it.”

  “That's probably true,” Morgan confessed. “Anyways, what are we doing?”

  “Well, Morgan,” the traveler sighed, “I was mistaken. I thought I was prepared for this, but I'm not...”

  “I don't see how we could have...”

  “I mean,” Robert interrupted, “I'm not emotionally or psychologically prepared. We went from riding around on Segways to flying down the highway in Ferraris in one step! We should have staggered it or something. I almost lost it back there, for real. I mean, only for a second, but it was a close call.”

  “Lost it?”

  “Yeah,” the traveler said, stopping to look his companion in the face. “Like really lost it. Like I almost jumped her right there in front of you and Azure and everything.”

  “Jumped her?”

  “Do you need me to draw you a diagram, Morgan?”

  “Please!”

  “Funny,” Robert replied, his brows knitted. “But I'm sure you can imagine... No, wait! Don't try to imagine! Just take my word for it, man. Remember the bad things. We have to stop anything like that from happening again.”

  “So you want to call off the date?”

  “Are you insane?!?!” the traveler asked raising his voice. “Whoa... See what I mean, Morgan. I've already lost the why not just call off the date battle. I can't afford to lose any more battles tonight.”

  “So what do we do?”

  “We're going to grab a tranq-gun...”

  “Tranq-gun?” the young man interrupted.

  “Yes!” Robert nodded. “The way I'm feeling right now I might hurt you if you tried to stop me.”

  “I really don't think...” Morgan began with a chuckle.

  “I'd kill ya, Morgan,” the traveler interrupted. “I'm at least a third degree black-belt in several different forms of martial art.”

  “Seriously?”

  “Dangerously seriously, bro,” Robert nodded. “Normally, of course, I wouldn't dream of hurting you! I mean you're trying to help me!”

  “I am!”

  “Right,” the traveler agreed. “But, man, I feeling squirrelly! I just wasn't ready for that!”

  “Imagine if they were a couple of years older,” Morgan mused. “You know, when they hit that...”

  “No!” Robert barked. “No, Morgan! That's the opposite of helping!”

  “Sorry...”

  “So,” the traveler continued, “you're going to carry a tranq-gun on you. If I step out of line shoot me. Oh... and if it goes that far she might not stop even if I'm unconscious. If that happens... shoot her too.”

  “Shoot her?”

  “Trust me, she'll thank you later.”

  “Rob, this is crazy!”

  “No it's not,” Robert disagreed. “Look! I know I don't want to get shot with a tranq-gun. So, if I know you've got one it will help me control myself. Okay?”

  “Okay...”

  “Good!” the traveler exclaimed. “Oh, and we also need to make sure that none of the four of us break a sweat until we're in a crowd! You know, just to be safe!”

  “Right!”

  The young men grabbed the tranq-gun and quickly explained the situation to Doc. He agreed with Rob's precaution and, in a matter of minutes, had even mixed them up a little special tranquilizer just for the occasion. As soon as Morgan was packing his stop-Rob-juice they returned for the girls. Each of them led their respective dates down the gangway and helped them into the luxurious future limo that was waiting on them.

  “Rob,” Cleo complained as they rode along, “you're freezing us to death. We're not wearing three piece suits, you know?”

  “I know,” he replied, pretending to mess with the air conditioning. “I think it must be broken.”

  “Well, then put your arm around me!” she demanded.

  “Let me see if I can fix this air...” Robert replied, tinkering with the controls again.

  “Azure...”

  “I guess, Morgan,” she replied with a coy smile.

  The young man didn't need to be told twice. He instantly slipped his arm over Azure's shoulders feeling as if he had died and gone to heaven. For her part, she nudged a little closer and took a deep breath of that epic cologne. For one thing, Rob really was about to freeze her and Cleo to death...

  “Fix the air after you've put your arm around me!” Cleo insisted. “I wouldn't have come if I had known you just planned to murder me with cold!”

  “Alright,” he replied as soon as he had turned the air up a bit. “I was just trying to make sure everyone was comfortable.”

  Having told this lie, he slipped his arm around Cleo, who instantly snuggled up to him for warmth, laying her head against his chest.

  “Can you reach the gun?” Robert mouthed silently to Morgan.

  In response the young man gave the traveler a quick wink and a slow nod. For a few minutes the young men rode along, one in the purgatory of paradise and the other in the plain old paradise of paradise, before the limo came to a stop at Paris on the Half-Shell. All four of them exited the car and made their way inside.

  “We made reservations,” Robert pointed-out, already feeling much more in control due to the presence of the large crowd that filled the restaurant.

  “You did?” Cleo asked.

  “We did,” the traveler replied.

  “Yeah,” Morgan added. “We didn't want to risk anything lessening you girls' enjoyment of the evening.”

  “That was really thoughtful,” Azure replied with a smile.

  “Surprisingly thoughtful,” Cleo laughed. “Morgan, that was your idea, right?”

  “Kind of,” he replied.

  “Totally and absolutely,” Robert admitted.

  Their party was almost instantly shown to a table, well before the time they had reserved. Which was hardly surprising, really, considering the fact that they were out with The Robert Hood. In mere moments a very attentive server was waiting patiently for their orders.

  “What's Ratatouille like, Azure?” Morgan asked thoughtfully, glancing over the menu.

  “I don't actually know,” she replied.

  “You don't know what the native dish of your home world is like?” He asked incredulously, in spite of the fact that he didn't know what the word incredulously meant.

  “About that, Morgan,” Robert chuckled.

  “About what? Ratatouille?”

  “Well, no,” the traveler replied. “Who told you all the names of those planets?”

  “You did.”

  “Right,” Robert nodded. “And if you had to pick a single word to describe...”

  “Liar,” Morgan interrupted.

  “Right,” the traveler continued. “Now, keeping those things in mind: what conclusion do you draw when you see a bunch of planet names listed on a menu at French restaurant?”

  “Well,” the young man said thoughtfully, “since you mentioned it, it's probably a safe bet that point one is you lied.”

  “Good so far.”

  “And that would mean point two probably runs along the lines of those names were just the names of French foods.”

  “Correct.”

  “Clearly making point three: you indirectly tricked me into eating a dead snail.”

  “Well, Morgan,” Robert laughed, “I couldn't say. Since I haven't heard anything about that.”

  “Well you did,” the young man nodded. “I wanted to taste what Cleo's people ate, so I ordered escargot. And I only did that because you tricked me.”

  “We do eat escargot, though,” Cleo pointed-out.

  “I know that,” Morgan nodded, “but that's not really the point.”

  “Escargot is good, man,” Robert added.

  “I know that too,” the young man said. “I
n fact it's really good. I'm probably just going to end up ordering it again. But that's not my point either.”

  “Okay,” the traveler replied. “Then what is your point?”

  “I guess I don't really have one...” Morgan mused, still staring at his menu. “I was just making an observation... Of course, one could draw the conclusion that Rob needs to think about all the possible repercussions of all his many lies.”

  “Wow,” Cleo said. “That's a little deep.”

  “Well,” Morgan replied thoughtfully, “I'm just trying to save someone else from having to eat like an octopus or a whales head or some other crazy thing because Rob didn't think his lie out all the way to the end. That's all. Well that, and now I wonder what all those planets are really called...”

  “Do you think he should stop lying?” Cleo asked, sincerely curious.

  “What?” Morgan chuckled. “If he did that he wouldn't be Rob, would he? And besides, he's always saving the day with some lie or another. I'm just saying he needs to put more thought into them sometimes.”

  “I'm not sure I agree,” Azure replied. “Personally, I really value honesty.”

  “So do I,” Cleo agreed, shooting a glance at Robert.

  “I do as well,” the traveler smiled. “I just tend to value it most in other people.”

  This was met with laughter of agreement from all three of Robert's companions. Just minutes later they had all selected their meals. As he predicted himself, Morgan ordered escargot. He figured that when you're sitting in a restaurant where you can unwittingly order a plate of dead, steaming snails you better stick with what you know... Robert also ordered two bottles of their finest, non-alcoholic champagne. Being the future and all it was really good in spite of the fact that it was non-alcoholic. And, of course, he wasn't about to chance alcohol at that table. The last thing any of the four of them needed was to start losing inhibitions... Particularly himself and Morgan...

  “Cleo,” the traveler said shortly after they'd finished eating. “There's a pretty good crowd in here and the music's not bad. Would you like to dance?”

  “Yes,” she said with a sweet smile, “very much so.”

  The two of them immediately left the table and made their way to the dance floor.