Return to Lanmore

by Sheila Douglas

  'I—I mean I don't know what it used to be like, but it is pretty dire.'

  Jean laughed. 'How I feel for you! Alex, we must ask this girl round to our place one evening. Give her some decent food for a change. Hallo, Philip! Nice to see you.'

  Nell stiffened, and wished she hadn't stopped to talk to Jean. She kept her eyes on the other girl's face and hoped Philip would have the tact to walk on. He stayed where he was, almost touching her, making it difficult for her to behave normally. Alex was agreeing with Jean, saying she must certainly come round. Would Friday do? Fine. And then as an afterthought he added casually that Philip would be there too. 'You know each other, of course?'

  It was too late to turn down their well-intentioned invitation, unless she could find some last-minute excuse. Resolved to do just that, Nell managed a stiff smile, caught the gleam in Philip's eyes and hurried away.

  On Friday morning she woke with a vague feeling of disquiet, then remembered that it was this evening she was supposed to be dining with the Mackenzies. Could she change her duty hours? Find someone who wouldn't mind swapping? Pretend that it was a large last-minute emergency? But when she approached them none of the other residents wanted that evening off.

  A headache? A heavy head cold? Too feeble. Her car had broken down? What was to stop her taking a taxi? In the end she was forced to admit that she had no valid excuse for backing out. She was off duty this weekend and planned to drive home after dinner, so at least she could leave early.

  She dressed carefully, putting on a pretty ruffled blouse and a long cotton skirt besprigged with flowers, spent longer than usual on her face and armed with the knowledge that she looked her best, drove to the Mackenzies' house, which was in an outer suburb of Westhampton. By bad luck she arrived just as Philip was locking his car. Hoping he would go on ahead, she fiddled with various objects in her handbag, pretending to look for something, but when she raised her head he was still there, standing beside his ear and watching her.

  Reluctantly she climbed out and said an awkward 'Good evening.' Then she rushed on, 'I imagine you're no better pleased about this than I am?'

  'About what?' he asked levelly, and she made an irritated gesture.

  'Why pretend? I can't think you've been looking forward to my company.'

  His smile was unkind. 'Since you want the truth you shall have it. If I could have thought of a good excuse I wouldn't have come. Unfortunately I couldn't.' His mouth tightened. 'They're nice people and they'd be horrified if they knew how we really felt. So they mustn't find out, must they?'

  He thrust a hand through her arm and led her towards the house. It would have been an enjoyable evening if the man had been anyone but Philip. There were just the four of them, and after a delicious meal they sat out on the patio in the warm summer dusk. Nell hid her true feelings behind a gay and brittle mask, though she did her best to avoid looking at Philip, directing her remarks at Alex or at Jean. At ten o'clock she felt that she could decently make her farewells, since she had an hour's journey ahead of her.

  'And I'm rather tired because I was up most of last night.'

  Jean took her upstairs, and as they passed a half open door, asked if she would care to see the family. Looking at her pretty, smiling face, at the love and pride that shone out of it as she bent over the sleeping infants, Nell felt a lump in her throat. They were so close, the Mackenzies, so happy.

  'How I envy you,' she whispered, and turned away quickly, to hide the tears in her eyes.

  Jean straightened from tucking the blankets round her youngest son. 'What is it between you and Philip?' she asked quietly, and when Nell didn't answer, 'Forgive me for being tactless, but I've a feeling we blundered, asking you together. Am I right?'

  She was such a nice girl and there seemed no point in denying it. 'I suppose so,' sighed Nell. 'We ... don't like each other, though I didn't realise it was so obvious. I thought we hid it very well, considering how strongly we feel.'

  'Oh, you did,' Jean assured her.

  'Then how did you know?'

  'When a man and a girl do their best to avoid looking at each other, when they're both young and attractive and unattached, there has to be a reason for it.' She linked arms with Nell and led her towards the top of the stairs. 'Pity, because I'd have expected you to have a good deal in common. Anyway, I'm sorry for giving you an awkward evening. Perhaps you'll come again when we have other visitors. I love to hear all the hospital gossip!'

  They all came out to the drive to see Nell off, though Philip showed no sign of leaving yet. Thankfully she climbed into her car and switched on the ignition. Nothing happened. She tried again and then again.

  'Don't keep doing that,' Philip called. 'Let me have a look at the engine.'

  Five minutes later both men confessed themselves stumped, and Jean said, 'You won't get a garage to do anything at this hour. Drive her back to the hospital, Alex, and it can be looked at in the morning.'

  Philip slammed the bonnet down. 'No need for you to bother, Alex. I was going home anyhow. She can come with me.'

  Nell's protests that she would rather wait for her car to be repaired were swept away, and ten minutes later they were driving west towards the Shropshire hills.

  She said unhappily, 'I'm sorry about this. I've broken up your evening, haven't I?'

  'That's all right. I see a good deal of Jean and Alex.'

  'Jean guessed about us.'

  His hands tightened on the wheel. 'Guessed what, for God's sake?'

  'How we feel about each other, of course.'

  'Then she's a very clever girl,' he said dryly, 'because I'm not even sure how I feel myself.'

  Nell turned to stare at him. What was he trying to say? When she stayed silent he went on slowly, 'You looked very sweet tonight, Nell. Very pretty and desirable. It's a pity your character doesn't match your appearance.'

  She slid lower in her seat and looked out at the darkening countryside. 'You made up your mind about me even before we met,' she said tiredly, 'so nothing I say now will make any difference.' Just for a moment she nearly mentioned her aunt's letter, but she had done enough harm already, blurting out uncomfortable truths. 'I don't feel like talking. I really am tired.'

  After that they drove in silence, and Nell was only half awake when they reached the Manor. Philip laid a hand on her shoulder and she sat up with a jerk. His face was within inches of hers. She gave him a sleepy little smile, stiffing a yawn with one hand, her defences down, because she was so tired, longing only to be close to him. She touched his cheek lightly. 'Philip ...'

  He drew in his breath sharply. 'You look worn out. You'd better go to bed.'

  He was round to her side of the car while she was still fumbling with the door. A firm hand under her elbow assisted her up, turned her towards the front door—getting rid of her as quickly as possible, before he succumbed to the attraction that flared between them whenever they were alone.

  'I'll take you back to Westhampton on Monday morning,' he said briskly. 'Will eight o'clock be all right?'

  She nodded, managed a subdued 'Thank you,' and opened the front door. He was gone before she had crossed the hall, and that was how it was going to be from now on. He would spend no longer in her company than was absolutely necessary. Any overtures on her part would be firmly repulsed and if she wanted to avoid further humiliation she must never, never forget it.

  She had told herself this a hundred times already, but the truth was that reason urged her one way, her emotions another. Her good resolves were forgotten when she was in Philip's company.

  The weekend dragged by. On Sunday afternoon the doorbell rang and Nell jumped to her feet, heart beating faster. She opened the door with trembling fingers, to find Mrs Middleton-Massey standing there.

  'Hallo, Nell. Hope this is a convenient time to call? I haven't seen your grandfather for quite a time.'

  Stifling disappointment, and despising herself for feeling it, Nell led her into the sitting-room, where she and her grand
father had been reading the Sunday papers. Inevitably the conversation turned to the news about Elizabeth.

  'Sandy told us. Brave man, taking on that daughter of yours,' Mrs Middleton-Massey snorted, with supreme lack of tact.

  Her grandfather scowled, and Nell cut in quickly, 'That's so unkind! I'm sure they'll be very happy.'

  'Are you, miss?' rejoined the older woman sharply. 'Since when have you been on Elizabeth's side?'

  Nell flushed, hesitated, and said lamely that there were always differences of opinions in families, but that she and her aunt understood each other better these days.

  Their visitor's expression was sceptical. The Colonel thumped his stick on the ground. 'Damn it, Roberta, d'you have to be so tactless? Known you forty years and you've no more wits than you had as a young girl!'

  Not a scrap offended, his old friend roared with laughter. 'Never pretended to be brainy, Edward. Left school at sixteen, thank God! Got married at eighteen! This is the first time I've had you two alone together since Nell came back, and there's something I'm longing to ask.' She leant forward in her chair, a stocky woman with sturdy legs planted a little apart.

  Nell thought wildly, 'What is she going to say now?'

  'I've always wondered why you took so long to make things up. Your grandfather's a pig-headed old man, Nell, but I thought you were more sensible. I'd have expected you to make the first move.'

  'But I did ‑' Nell blurted out, taken off guard by these unexpected remarks, then she broke off in mid-sentence, swallowed, stammered and started again. 'That is, I did mean to, but—but I thought—I thought—oh, for heaven's sake! Do we have to rake up the past like this?'

  'I wish you had written,' her grandfather said gruffly.

  'Perhaps she did,' Mrs Middleton-Massey remarked, gazing at the ceiling. 'Letters can get... lost.'

  'Not in this country,' the Colonel countered sharply, staring hard at his granddaughter. 'You didn't write, did you, Nell?'

  Nell had never been a convincing liar. Crimson with embarrassment, she poked at the small log fire that the old man liked even in summertime. When the front door bell rang a second time, she jumped up thankfully. This time it was Philip, casually dressed in sports shirt and jeans, another visitor enquiring about her grandfather.

  'I haven't seen the old man for several days. How is he, Nell?' He looked at her flushed cheeks and raised his brows. 'Something wrong? Have I picked a bad time to call?'

  'Oh no, no! Come in, Philip!' At least if he was here Mrs Middleton-Massey would surely be more discreet. He looked surprised at this reception, but made no comment as he followed her into the sitting-room. 'I'll get tea,' said Nell, and made for the kitchen.

  She took her time about it and when she finally returned with the trolley, she got the impression that they had been talking about her. They all looked towards the door, and there was a little silence, broken by Mrs Middleton-Massey.

  'See what I mean? If my girls looked like that I'd do something about it.'

  'How do you like your tea, Mrs Middleton-Massey?' asked Nell, hoping to divert her from further personal remarks.

  'Milk first. No sugar. I was just telling these men that you're looking peaky. And far too thin.'

  'I work quite hard,' Nell said mildly, and started to pass the teacups around.

  'So you need a rest when you come home,' finished Mrs Middleton-Massey, who wasn't easy to deflect. 'And you don't get it with your grandfather to look after.'

  'I like looking after Grandpa.'

  'And that huge garden an endless struggle! Never looks tidy however much you do.'

  'I know, but I do my best. And I enjoy gardening. It's good relaxation after my medical work.' She was very conscious of Philip's scrutiny, intent and unsmiling. Perhaps he thought she had been grumbling to Mrs Middleton-Massey before he came. When tea was over she excused herself, saying that she wanted to spray the roses. She was filling a container from the tap in the stables when she heard voices from the front of the house.

  Looking through the archway, she saw Mrs Middleton-Massey and Philip standing together, talking earnestly. They drew apart as she approached and said their goodbyes.

  'See you at eight tomorrow, Nell.' Philip raised a hand in casual farewell, and moments later his car followed the other one down the drive.

  Nell was uneasy all evening in case her grandfather referred to that afternoon's conversation. She kept out of his way as much as possible and chattered when she couldn't avoid him. When she looked into his bedroom last thing at night, she gave him a quick peck on the cheek, but before she could retreat he caught her by the hand, his bony old fingers surprisingly strong.

  'You're a good girl, Nell, keeping your mouth shut like that. Roberta means well, but she's damned indiscreet. Want to talk about it, now that we're alone?' The faded blue eyes were intent under bushy white eyebrows.

  'No, Grandpa,' Nell said gently, 'I don't.'

  There was relief on the old man's face. He patted her hand fondly before he let it go. 'Wise girl. There's been a lot of water under the bridge since then. Does no good to rake up the past.'

  As she prepared for bed Nell felt happier than she had been for weeks. Her grandfather and she understood each other now, for all that so many things had been left unsaid. The last shadows cast by that old quarrel had been swept away for ever.

  On the drive to Westhampton next morning Philip said very little. He looked abstracted, remote, frowning now and then as if he was wrestling with some problem. Nell knew that the link-up with the hospital had involved him in a heavy extra work load, and she wondered, not for the first time, how he managed to look so fit on it.

  She thanked him as he drew into the hospital car park, apologised for taking him out of his way and opened the car door.

  'Nell.' He caught her by the arm, holding her back. 'Are you working too hard? Was the old girl right?'

  'Mrs Middleton-Massey talks too much,' Nell said lightly, and gave a tug of her arm. 'I don't work any harder than you do, I'm sure.'

  His fingers tightened. He frowned down at her. 'That's different. I'm a man.'

  'Oh, really, Philip! What an outdated viewpoint!'

  'Yes, I suppose it is,' he admitted, rather to her surprise. 'But you're such a little thing.' Again that intent frowning look. 'I wonder if I've misjudged you, Nell—about a whole lot of things.'

  As always when she was close to him, Nell's heart started to hammer and her thoughts became scattered. 'I have to go,' she said under her breath. 'I start work at nine.'

  'Oh, damn your work!' Philip exclaimed irritably, but he took his hand away. He was out of the car as quickly as she was, staring at her across the width of the bonnet.

  'Roberta told me things I find hard to believe, though they would make sense of a good deal that's puzzled me.' He hesitated for a few minutes. 'I had a picture of you in my mind before we met. I though you'd be tough and ambitious and not at all feminine—all the things I dislike most in a woman.'

  'And you haven't changed your mind,' Nell said sharply. 'You called me some very rude names that night in my room.'

  He sighed. 'I know, and I'm sorry, but I was shaken by what you told me about Elizabeth. Why did you tell me, Nell? Why? Why?'

  'You know why. Because I'm malicious and ungrateful. Because I've always hated Elizabeth.' Nell spoke wildly because she didn't like the direction in which their conversation was heading. If Philip persisted with these awkward questions she was in danger of blurting out the truth.

  'Roberta thinks you have good reason to dislike your aunt,' he went on quietly. 'Is that true?'

  'I would rather not talk about it, Philip.'

  He banged his fist on the bonnet of the car in frustration. 'But I want to talk about it. When are you free next?'

  'Not till tomorrow.'

  'What time? I'll pick you up.'

  She stared in surprise. 'What's got into you, Philip? What have we got to talk about?'

  'You know what,' he answered ve
ry quietly. 'We can't go on like this, if I'm to retain my sanity!' Perhaps he felt his words were too melodramatic, for he flushed slightly. 'How I wish we'd met under different circumstances,' he added slowly.

  'It would have made no difference,' Nell said bitterly. 'You were determined to dislike me from the word go.'

  His smile was crooked. 'Self-protection, my dear girl. And you know why I needed it.'

  He didn't have to spell out the strength of the attraction between them. It was there most potently on that bright summer morning, so that Nell longed to be alone with him and despised herself for her longing. He had made her so unhappy, hurt and humiliated her so often. If she accepted the olive branch he seemed to be offering it could only lead to further unhappiness. She would be back on the same seesaw of emotions, vulnerable and confused.

  A car swept by and drew into the bay marked with Mr MacFee's name. 'My boss!' Nell exclaimed with relief. 'I must dash.'

  His fingers closed around her waist. 'Not until you agree to meet me.'

  Mr MacFee was climbing out of his car, glancing in their direction, Nell tugged, but Philip held on. 'I can come round tonight,' he said. 'You name a time.'

  'Oh, for goodness' sake, Philip!' she snapped in a furious undertone. 'Let me go. He's wondering what's going on.'

  'What time?' he persisted.

  'No time. It's not convenient. I'm bound to be busy and even if I wasn't ‑' She broke off and he waited for her to continue, still holding her wrist, while Mr MacFee finished locking his car and started walking towards them. 'Even if I wasn't I wouldn't want you round. You have a bad effect on me—as if you didn't know.'

  Her cheeks were flushed now and she threw a quick glance at Mr MacFee, who was passing by not ten feet away. 'Good morning, Miss Ramsay,' he said benignly. 'We start in two minutes. Hallo, Trent. You seem to haunt this place!'

  'I know, sir, and I'm just coming,' Nell called as he walked on, and to Philip indignantly, 'So let me go ... and ... and stop looking like that! It isn't funny.'

  His smile made him appear years younger. 'You're working yourself up into a great rage, dear girl. You want me to come round all right, but you're afraid to admit it.'