Return to Lanmore

by Sheila Douglas

  'Of course I'm not. I really am busy when I'm on call.'

  'Then come to my flat tomorrow evening,' he said softly, and her breath quickened at the expression on his face. If she went to his flat he would make love to her, for she wasn't strong enough to resist him. She was tempted but determined not to give way.

  'Oh, Philip,' she sighed, 'if only I could make you understand ! You want an affair, but I—I want ‑' Her voice faltered. She took a long deep breath and started again. 'If you love a man you want something more permanent. Something more than just a physical relationship.'

  She broke off, appalled by her own words, at what she had just given away. 'So now you know,' she said hoarsely, gave a choked little sob, and ran towards the hospital entrance, leaving Philip staring after her.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  That evening Philip telephoned to ask once again if he could come round. Nell was snatching a brief respite from the labour wards, relaxing on her bed, pillows piled behind her head.

  'What for?' she asked warily.

  'Just to talk.'

  'I can't think what we have to talk about.'

  'Look here, Nell ‑'

  'I'm sorry, Philip, but I'm first on call and frightfully busy, so if you don't mind I'll say goodbye.' She put the telephone down, and disturbed by Philip's call, crossed to the window. It was open and she sat on the sill, staring down at the people who were streaming out of the main entrance at the end of visiting time. Once she would have welcomed any contact with Philip, agreed eagerly to his suggestion, but after her confession in the car park, she felt she would never be able to face him again. She was surprised that he had bothered to telephone, but decided with unusual cynicism that her admission, far from embarrassing him, had acted as an encouragement. If she loved him, he must be reasoning, then she would not hold out long against his advances.

  He had never made any secret of the attraction he felt for her. He had said he regretted the way they had first met. If only they could put the clock back, Nell thought sadly, how different things might have been. She dragged her thoughts back to reality, and reminded herself that from now on she was going to concentrate on her work. She would avoid emotional entanglements, play it cool, try to enjoy life once again, as she had done in her student days.

  When Philip telephoned again at midday on Tuesday, she agreed that it was her half day, but she had to dash home. Pamela Middleton-Massey was coming round. 'Pity,' said Philip, sounding very frustrated. 'I can't leave Westhampton, but I thought we might see each other for an hour or two before you went home.'

  'Sorry, I'm afraid I can't.'

  On Wednesday she met him at tea time in the doctors' dining-room, accompanied by James Fenton. She greeted James with more warmth than she showed to Philip, asking what brought him there. She hadn't realised that he was concerned with the technical side of electronics.

  'Someone has to work out the cost of all the complicated gadgetry this chap designs,' James said dryly, jerking a thumb in Philip's direction.

  'Join us, Miss Ramsay,' Alex Mackenzie suggested, and after a moment's hesitation she did so, taking the chair beyond James, which was well away from Philip.

  'I've talked your boss into utilising some of Trent's ideas,' remarked Alex, and Nell stared at him in surprise.

  'Mr MacFee? He hasn't mentioned it to us.'

  'He will,' Philip said firmly. 'So you'll be seeing me on the obstetric unit soon.' The glance that accompanied these words was challenging.

  The others lingered over their tea, but Nell had a young woman in labour, on whom she wanted to check. 'Excuse me,' she murmured to James, but as she left the table Philip followed her into the corridor.

  'When are you going to let me talk to you, Nell?'

  'We're talking now.'

  His mouth thinned and he looked as if he could have shaken her. 'You can't avoid me for ever, my girl. Don't you want to hear what I have to say?'

  She shook her head, 'Not particularly. I gather that I'm no longer your pet hate, but it's a little late for friendship, and I don't want what you have to offer.'

  Before he could reply she turned and walked quickly away, and that was the last she saw of him for a couple of days, though Mr MacFee talked about Trent Electronics on his next ward round.

  'Have to move with the times, I suppose.' He didn't sound especially enthusiastic. 'Their designer wants to look around the block, get some idea of our special requirements.'

  On Friday afternoon, when Nell was clerking a new admission, a young nurse brought her a message. 'You're wanted in Mr MacFee's office when you're free, doctor.'

  'Would you tell Mr MacFee that I'll be down as soon as I've finished with this patient.'

  'It's switch on the line, doctor, but I'll ask them to pass it on.'

  The new admission was very young, very nervous and desperate to see her husband. 'They're calling him from work, doctor. He promised he'd stay with me right through.'

  She was a healthy girl, so the examination was quite straightforward, but because she was so apprehensive it took Nell longer than usual. Half an hour had elapsed before she made her way to the ground floor and knocked on Mr MacFee's door. There was such a noise in the corridor that she barely caught a 'Come in.' She walked into the room and stopped dead when she saw who was there.

  Philip! He was leaning back in her chief's swivel chair, hands locked behind his head, a triumphant smile on his face, and he was the only person there.

  'Shut the door, Nell,' he said pleasantly.

  She left it open. 'Is this your idea of a joke?'

  'My dear girl, hasn't your boss explained to you that I'm going to be around the obstetric unit for the next few days?'

  'Yes, he has, but I can't see how I can help. The Registrar would be more use.'

  'Not for what I have in mind,' Philip said softly, and stopped the chair in midswing and was around the desk while she was still trying to decide what to do. He pushed the door shut with his foot, caught her by the hands and jerked her into his arms. Outraged, Nell shoved at his chest.

  'Let the go! Anyone could come in—Mr MacFee! This is his office.'

  'He's loaning it to me for a few days,' Philip smiled, controlling her struggles easily, 'But if you're afraid of interruptions I'll lock the door,' and he did just that.

  Nell tore herself away from him and backed round the desk, aware of the fact that the obstetric wards overlooked this office, acting on the assumption that he would hardly try to make love to her in front of possible witnesses. 'If you touch me again, Philip, I'll—I'll ‑' She could think of no threat to deter him, and scowled when he laughed.

  'All right, Nell, perhaps I should have talked first and acted afterwards, but I've been pretty riled by your behaviour.'

  'You've been riled by my behaviour! Please unlock that door. If someone came along it would look very odd, us being locked in here.'

  He grinned but unlocked it, though he kept his back against it. 'What I have to say won't take long. You can't be that busy or you wouldn't have come down.'

  She sighed and sat herself on the edge of the desk. She had to hear him out some time. Perhaps it would be as well to get it over. 'All right, Philip, I'm listening.'

  For such a positive person he seemed to be having some difficulty in starting. 'You're angry with me, Nell, and I suppose you have good reason. I've ... not been very kind to you, have I? Jumped to conclusions too quickly. Not listened to your side of things.'

  She kept her head bent, staring at the intricate pattern of the carpet.

  'So I'm sorry. Deeply and sincerely sorry. And I hope very much that we can start again. You talked about friendship the other day, but you must know, my dear girl, that it's not friendship I want. You said you loved me too.'

  A tremor passed through Nell, but she still wouldn't look at him. He left the door and came to stand before her. If she had put out her hand she could have touched him. She locked them together to resist the impulse.

  'I know exa
ctly what you want, Philip, and once I'd have given it to you. Once I'd have been delighted to hear what you've just said. But I'm tired of being torn to bits emotionally. I don't want an affair with you, or with anyone else for that matter.'

  'Nell, darling.' She weakened at the gentleness in his voice when he said that.

  'I have to go,' she whispered, and rose unsteadily, straight into his arms. His kiss was gentle too and against her will her arms crept round his neck. One hand stroked his thick dark hair.

  'Oh, Philip,' she sighed, and his hold on her tightened, his mouth became more demanding.

  Afterwards she decided that the knock on the door was a good thing. Philip swore softly and let her go. It was James, and Nell was very conscious of her flushed cheeks and untidy hair. She interpreted James' amused look correctly. He knew quite well what they had been doing.

  'I—I must dash,' she stammered.

  Philip said quickly, 'No, Nell, not yet ‑' but she was already half through the door and running down the corridor.

  If he had said he loved her in return, would she have weakened? He had a powerful hold over her physically. Would she have walked away from his flat if they had been alone, just the two of them, with no chance of interruption? She knew that she would not have done, that her strength of will would not have been equal to it. That she would have gone to bed with him willingly, though she would have regretted it afterwards. She didn't want to become just another girl-friend, the girl of the moment because she was available. Because they were both working in Westhampton and Ilse was in Stockholm.

  Next weekend Nell was on duty. On Saturday morning she was having coffee when Alex Mackenzie walked in. There were only a few people around and when he saw her he came to sit beside her.

  'Nice place, your home,' he said casually, and Nell stared at him.

  'You mean the village? Have you been through it recently?'

  'I mean your home. Trent took me there yesterday afternoon.'

  'Really?' Before she could ask any more questions a house surgeon told her she was wanted on the telephone. An urgent call to the labour ward, and by the time she came back Alex had gone.

  Probably Philip had taken him to his own place to discuss work, and they had called on her grandfather on the way. The weekend was an especially busy one, and when she came off duty on the Monday she had forgotten all about it.

  Although she was no longer on for emergencies she had her routine ward work to do, and an ante-natal clinic in the afternoon. This was not too demanding, which was just as well since she felt very sleepy—blood pressures to check, various tests to be done, queries to be answered. An ordinary afternoon's work in a busy clinic.

  At five o'clock Nell swallowed a cup of tea in Sister's office and decided to have a couple of hours in bed, since she had been up most of last night. She hung her white coat behind the door, slid out of her dress, drew the curtains and crawled thankfully under the bedclothes, clad only in her slip. Her room was hot, because it faced west and got the evening sun. Too hot to sleep, she thought, tossing back the blankets, then she thumped her pillow into a more comfortable shape and shut her eyes.

  The telephone bell brought her back to consciousness, and her grandfather came on the line before she was properly awake. His voice was gruff, his manner brusque.

  'That you, Nell? Have to tell someone the news. Elizabeth and Sandy got married this morning in Pembrokeshire. Decided they wanted a quiet wedding. Might have let their families know, dammit!'

  The old man sounded very upset, so Nell spent several minutes soothing him down and trying to make him understand the couple's actions. 'You know what Dr Mac's like, Grandpa. He hates any fuss. He must have talked Elizabeth into it.'

  'Then she must really love him,' grunted the Colonel. 'I'd have expected her to want a big wedding with all the trimmings.'

  'Which would have cost a fortune,' Nell pointed out. 'So you should be glad they did it this way.'

  'I suppose so,' he conceded reluctantly. 'Though it would have been something to look back on when we've left Lanmore.'

  'Left... Grandpa, what are you talking about?'

  'Hasn't Philip told you yet? He said he'd be seeing you when he got back.' The old man was silent for a few moments, then he told her sadly that he had come to the conclusion they could no longer live at the Manor. 'I've known it in my heart for a long time, dear. And now, with Elizabeth gone and you away working, it's ridiculous for me to stay here. Blackie can't go on much longer and where would I find someone to replace her?'

  'Oh, Grandpa, stop it, stop it!' cried Nell, close to tears. 'It would break your heart to sell Lanmore. You mustn't even think of it.'

  'To sell it, yes,' the Colonel agreed, 'but renting it wouldn't be so bad. Particularly in such a good cause.' He went on to explain that Alex Mackenzie had been searching for just such a house to turn into a convalescent home for his orthopaedic patients. It was Philip who had suggested Lanmore. They had visited the Colonel last Friday, put the idea to him, and he had spent the weekend brooding over it.

  'My mind's made up, Nell,' he said briskly. 'I've already discussed the legal side of it with my solicitor, and he's contacting the Area Health Authority for me.'

  'But nothing's signed?' queried Nell. 'Please wait till I've been home. Please don't do anything rash, or you're sure to regret it.'

  'Not a complete fool,' growled the old man. 'Been thinking about moving for a long time, Nell. I'm grateful to Philip for coming up with such a good idea.

  'Philip!' thought Nell furiously, when the old man had rung off. It would be Philip, poking his nose into other people's affairs. Influencing her grandfather to make a decision that he would most likely regret, when it was too late. She had a vivid mental picture of orthopaedic convalescents at the Manor, old people in wheelchairs, physiotherapists in the library, Alex's crippled children in the garden. The Colonel would hate it, though she knew there was a great need for more convalescent homes. But somewhere else, for goodness' sake! Some other house. Not the beloved home of her childhood.

  She worked herself up into such a state that there seemed only one thing to do—go and see Philip, tell him what she thought of him and his bright ideas. She understood now why he had wanted to talk to her. The lovemaking had probably just been a softening up process, she thought bitterly, too upset to think rationally.

  She drove round to his place. She knew the address, for he had told her some time. A modern block of flats, not five minutes from the hospital. Only when she had pressed his bell did she wonder if it wouldn't have been better to telephone first.

  It was eight o'clock; he might have visitors. In sudden panic Nell hoped that he was out. She stared uncertainly at the gleaming white door with the neat name-plate, in two minds whether to go or to stay. She had left it too late, however, for the door swung open and Philip stood there.

  He looked surprised to see her, then as he took in her stormy expression, a rueful smile appeared. 'Hallo, Nell, this is an unexpected pleasure. I think I can guess why you've come.'

  'Clever you!' snapped Nell, and swept past him with head high.

  An open door showed where the living-room was, and she was relieved to see that it was empty. 'Just as well you haven't got visitors. We can quarrel in private.'

  She stood in the middle of the room, scowling at him. 'You've got a nerve, Philip Trent, interfering in our affairs! Grandpa would never have thought of leaving Lanmore if you hadn't put this—this ridiculous idea into his head.'

  'You do him an injustice,' Philip said calmly, shutting the door and turning to face her. 'He's discussed it with me more than once in the past, even before you came back. He felt he was being selfish to Elizabeth, clinging on to a past way of life, when she would have preferred a more modem house.'

  'Elizabeth's out of it now. She and Dr Mac got married today.'

  He raised his eyebrows. 'Good for them! But there's still your life to consider. Can you honestly say you've enjoyed trying to cope with that
old-fashioned house and that enormous garden?'

  It's better since we had it renovated?

  'Better, but too big for such a small family. Besides, when you marry ‑'

  'I'm not thinking of getting married.'

  He walked towards her and she backed away nervously. His eyes were very bright and a smile hovering on his lips. He knew how attractive he was, Nell thought crossly, and took a deep steadying breath.

  'Keep away from me, Philip! If you touch me I'll—I'll scream!' At his incredulous look die flushed. 'Well, I'll stamp on your toes or—or do something.' Her flush deepened when he started to laugh.

  'Darling Nell, what a fool you are! You know perfectly well you like it when I kiss you. And so do I,' he added softly, reaching out a hand towards her.

  'Leave me alone!' Nell exclaimed. 'If you have any decency you'll do your best to undo the damage you've done. Tell Grandpa the house isn't suitable after all.'

  'But it is, perfectly suitable. You should be pleased to think it can be put to such good use instead of lying empty and decaying.'

  'It won't decay if we're in it.'

  To her relief he dropped on to the sofa. 'You can't put the clock back, Nell. Your grandfather has made up his mind. It was a hard decision, but he's made it, and he won't retract. Besides, when you get married ‑'

  'I've already told you ‑'

  'So you have, my darling girl.' He rested his head against the back of the sofa and gave her an unexpectedly sweet smile. 'I've been a complete fool, Nell. A jealous, unreasonable fool, thinking you were involved with Andrew MacFarlane or that lad from Q.C.H. Of course you're going to get married, and soon, dear love, before you drive me completely round the bend.' The smile became both tender and ironic.

  Nell stared at him in astonishment, wondering if she could possibly have misunderstood him. Could he mean— did he mean—'Oh, Philip,' she gulped, 'don't play games. I can't bear it!'

  He held out both hands to her. 'Come and sit down, my love. I was never more serious in my life. I've been trying to ask you to marry me for days.'