Sapphire and Shadow (A Woman's Life)

by Marie Ferrarella

  “Well, if I gotta,” Jocelyn muttered.

  He crooked a finger under her chin so that she looked up at him. “Humor me.”

  “Okay.” Jocelyn grinned at Joshua good-naturedly. “For you.”

  Johanna could only look on in admiration. Joshua turned and put his hand out for her to hurry up. “C’mon, Johanna, you’re holding up the show.”

  “Yeah, move it, Mom,” Jocelyn said impatiently.

  “Someday you have to show me how you do that trick,” Johanna whispered to him, taking his hand.

  “I fully intend to, Johanna. I fully intend to.”

  She had the feeling he was promising her something she hadn’t asked for.

  Johanna wanted to reach out and touch the painting before her with its swirls of color and contrasts. She wanted to run her fingertips along the rough peaks and textures made by the paint. It was like a sailor walking the beach after years of being landlocked. It seemed unreal until contact was made.

  Hesitantly, she reached out and touched a corner of the frame. It was enough.

  “Mom,” Jocelyn hissed, surprised.

  “Shhh,” Joshua put his finger to his lips. “Be on the lookout for the guard.”

  “But you’re not supposed to touch them—are you?”

  Johanna shook her head. “No, you’re not. But I needed to. Just this once.”

  “All clear to make our getaway.” Joshua put his arm around her shoulders. Then he looked into her eyes for a moment before he led her away. “One need out of the way, others to be met and fulfilled.”

  “Joshua—“ she began.

  “The movie theater awaits, ladies.” He held out the crook of his elbow to Jocelyn who took it with a grin. “Ready?” he asked Johanna.

  Johanna let out a long sigh. He was impossible. And impossibly irresistible. She didn’t know how much longer she could hold out before she stepped into the pool of quicksand that her emotions were leading her into.

  “Ready,” she answered.

  Joshua raised his eyebrows.

  “For the theater,” she added.

  He merely laughed aloud.

  On their way out of the room, they passed a guard who looked at them suspiciously. Joshua began to whistle as Jocelyn giggled.

  Chapter Thirty-six

  She saw trouble in Jocelyn’s eyes the minute she walked into the loft. In the same instant, she knew it was about Harry. A newspaper lay on the dining table. One of the pages was torn in half, as if in anger.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?” Jocelyn shouted, scrambling to her feet as Johanna closed the door behind her.

  Playing for time, trying to steady herself for what she instinctively knew was coming, what she had been dreading and avoiding even when she knew she shouldn’t, Johanna slowly pulled her shoulders straight. “Don’t shout at me, Jocelyn. Tell you what?”

  Jocelyn crumbled up both halves of the newspaper and threw them on the floor. “That you were divorcing my father.”

  It was here, the scene she didn’t want played out, more dreadful in reality than in her mind. But there was no hiding from it anymore.

  Johanna licked her lips and let her purse drop to the floor beside the door. “Because I was afraid. I couldn’t find the right words to make you understand.”

  “So you let me read it in a newspaperl” the girl shrieked. “What’s all this garbage you’re always trying to shove down my throat about our being honest with one another?”

  “I didn’t lie,” Johanna said helplessly. “I just didn’t say anything.”

  “That’s lying!”

  “No, that’s being a coward. I didn’t want to see the look in your eyes that I’m seeing.” She tried to take Jocelyn by the shoulders, but the girl pulled away. “Jocelyn, I’m not the heavy here.”

  Hurt and anger flashed in Jocelyn’s eyes. So accusing. So like Harry’s eyes, Johanna thought. “You never even gave him a chance.”

  Jocelyn’s display of anger cracked Johanna’s resolve to remain calm. This wasn’t fair. “I gave him every chance, dammit.”

  Johanna pressed her hand to her mouth. She didn’t want to shout at Jocelyn, didn’t want to turn her even further away. But her words hurt. It hurt to have her daughter turn on her this way. Why was she being so protective of her father? Why wasn’t she more understanding of her position? Why was it Harry who got her loyalty? Where was Harry when she was sick, or needed someone? Where was Harry for the school plays, the parties? Why didn’t she think of that? “What’s this allure he has for you? He was never there for you. Me. I was. Whether it was popular or not, I was always there for you.”

  Jocelyn glared at her, not hearing the words. Her parents were divorcing and she had been ignored, lied to with silence. Rage bubbled through her, seeking an outlet. She wanted to lash out, to hurt someone. Only Johanna was there. “Thanks a lot.”

  Johanna felt betrayed. Hot, angry tears stung at her eyes but she refused to let them fall. “Maybe it’s my fault for not telling you about him, but I wanted you to have a few illusions about your father.”

  Jocelyn raised her chin, her eyes daring her to say something against Harry.

  Johanna took a deep breath. There was no need to avenge herself at the cost of the father Jocelyn thought she had. “Look, I don’t want to argue about this now. It has nothing to do with you.”

  “It has everything to do with me,” Jocelyn cried impotently. “You’re my parents.”

  “And we’ll go on being your parents. That doesn’t change.” Again, she tried to touch Jocelyn, but was held back by the angry look in her daughter’s eyes. “Your father and I are getting a divorce because we don’t get along any more. I can’t help him, I can’t do anything for him except make him angry. That’s not an atmosphere in which to raise a child or continue a marriage.”

  “So you just left him,” Jocelyn accused. “When he was in trouble. When he was in jail.”

  Restless, Johanna paced around the large room. “Baby, he was in trouble a long time before I left him.”

  Her words did nothing to change the look on Jocelyn’s face. It was pointless to argue now. The wound too raw, the cut too deep. Johanna felt helpless. She had to fight this feeling. It had the potential of overwhelming her, of making her incapable of dealing with the difficult period of time that loomed ahead. “I have to go back to the gallery for a couple of hours. I just stopped in to check on you. Get your homework done and we’ll take in a movie tonight.” She hesitated, waiting to see a reaction to her suggestion. Nothing. “Okay?”

  Jocelyn refused to look up at her mother. “I don’t feel like taking in a movie.”

  “Okay.”

  Johanna prayed that time would heal this. She wasn’t sure how to deal with Jocelyn and it terrified her. She had lost Harry and in losing him to his devils, had lost a part of herself. She couldn’t face the prospect of losing Jocelyn as well. Anger began to overcome fear. This was Harry’s fault. He had almost destroyed her once and now, thousands of miles away, he was doing it again. His tentacles were reaching her again. She couldn’t lose her daughter. She couldn’t.

  Perhaps this was one of those times that discretion was the better part of valor. She had to just leave Jocelyn alone for a while, let her come to her senses. Johanna ruefully admitted to herself that this was more of a cop-out than a studied response to the situation, but she didn’t know what else to do. There was no turning back. “All right, when I come back, we’ll just stay home and talk.”

  “I want to go live with Dad.”

  Johanna swung around, her hand on the door. “No!” The word sprang to her lips like a reflex. She almost said, “You’re part of the reason I left him,” but stopped herself in time.

  “Why?”

  “Because he’s in prison.”

  “When he gets out.”

  Her knees felt weak. “We’ll talk about it then. See you later.”

  Only a silent glare met her words. Johanna left. If she stayed, she knew that the hurt sh
e felt would erupt and words might be said that would be regretted later. Jocelyn had to be treated with kid gloves at this time even if the kindness was not returned.

  When Johanna came home an hour and a half later, the loft was empty. Telling herself not to panic, Johanna called Jocelyn’s best friend at school, Darcy. And then the next name in her little book. And the next. Each time the response was the same. No one had seen Jocelyn since school. When Johanna called Mary, there was no answer at her sister’s apartment.

  It was then that the icy panic finally set in.

  Having nowhere else to turn, she went to the only one she could. Johanna ran the three blocks back to the gallery. It was closed, but the doorbell on the side connected to Joshua’s apartment as well. She leaned on the button, praying that he was there and hadn’t gone out somewhere. She should have called him rather than just run down, but she wasn’t thinking logically anymore. It was hard to pull her thoughts together at all.

  Joshua crossed through the white-walled gallery, wondering what in God’s name was so urgent. When he saw Johanna, his expression softened. “Hey, if you wanted to come over all you had to do was—Johanna, what’s wrong?” He took hold of her by the shoulders. “You’re shaking.”

  “It’s Jocelyn. She’s gone.”

  “Gone?” He ushered her inside and closed the door behind her. One lone fluorescent lamp provided light for the gallery. At any other time, it might have seemed romantic. Now it was just eerie. “What do you mean, ‘gone?’”

  “She’s run away.” As soon as she said it aloud, tears began to fall.

  “Did she leave a note?”

  Johanna shook her head. She brushed back her tears with the heel of her hand. “But we had an argument. She found out about the divorce.”

  “Found out?” He was stunned. How could she not have discussed something so important with Jocelyn? “You mean you didn’t tell her?”

  She shook her head, wishing she could go back and change things. “No, I couldn’t. I just—she read it in the newspaper and exploded at me. I told her we’d talk when I came back from the gallery. But she’s gone.”

  The main thing was to stay calm. He wouldn’t let himself think of what could happen to a young girl alone in New York at night. “Have you called—?”

  “Everyone. Nobody’s seen her. And Mary’s not home.”

  Shrugging away from his hold, Johanna moved like a caged panther, wanting to escape, not knowing which direction to take. She whirled around, her hands on her mouth to keep the sob back.

  “Oh God, Joshua, she’s just a baby. Do you realize what could happen to her out here? I should have moved back to Beverly Hills.” Tears streamed down her cheeks but she didn’t bother to wipe them away this time. All she could think of was Jocelyn.

  Joshua took out the bottle of brandy he kept in his office and poured her a drink, but she shook her head. He pressed it into her hands anyway. “Drink this.” His voice was firm. “You need to get a hold of yourself.” He wanted to hold her, to tell her that it was going to be all right, but at the moment, he wasn’t sure it would be himself.

  He watched as she tilted her head back and took a long sip. “None of her friends have seen her?”

  She shook her head, afraid to trust her voice. The alcohol burned going down. It was a shock to her system. But he was right, it did seem to steady her. She took in a deep, ragged breath. “I called them all. It’s not a long list.”

  “Maybe one of them was lying to cover for her.” He saw hope flash in her eyes, that and gratitude at his words. “Kids have been known to lie. Do you have addresses to go with the numbers?”

  “In her book.”

  “Let’s go back and get it.”

  She nodded numbly, only slightly aware that he was holding her hand.

  When she handed him the book, Joshua quickly glanced through the names and addresses, then pocketed it. “Okay, I’ll go and check them out in person. You stay here.”

  She grabbed at his sleeve as he turned to go. “But I’ll go insane just waiting.”

  He wanted to take her with him, to erase the worry from her eyes. But logic prevailed. “If she comes back, or calls, you’ll want to be here.”

  He was right. She wanted to go with him and search and stay here and wait, anything that would bring Jocelyn back faster. She couldn’t do both, and if she went with Joshua, her mind would be busy, but she might miss Jocelyn’s call. “I’ll stay here.”

  Because they both needed it, Joshua kissed her lightly and held her for a moment. “I’ll give you a call as soon as I find her.” He squeezed her hand before he left. “We will find her, Johanna. I promise you that.”

  He only hoped he could deliver.

  Johanna paced around the loft, trying to keep from climbing the walls. Once the phone rang, but it was just a wrong number. Her heart had hammered in her throat a full five minutes after she had hung up. She tried to get herself to calm down, but things kept flashing through her mind, horrible things she kept pushing away before the thoughts were totally formed. Jocelyn was going to be fine, just as Joshua had promised. She was just doing this to torture her. She was safe at one of her friend’s homes and they had lied to her when she had called.

  Her eyes strayed to the hope chest beneath the window. Tommy’s gift. It had been delivered just yesterday. She took a deep breath, trying to get hold of herself. Maybe if she had stayed in London with Tommy, none of this would have happened.

  No, it would have. Staying in London wouldn’t have been right. What she had with Tommy had represented an interlude, not a way of life. She had to stop torturing herself with paths not taken.

  Joshua would bring her home, just as he promised. But why wasn’t he calling? She stared anxiously at the white phone hanging on the wall next to the stove.

  Because he hadn’t found her. Because she wasn’t at any of the addresses in the book. Because something had happened to her.

  Oh God!

  It was all her fault. She should have stuck it out with Harry. Even hell was better than this.

  She squeezed her eyes shut and willed herself to calm down. “At this rate, Joshua’s going to walk through that door with Jocelyn, and you’ll be a certifiable basketcase. She’ll be fine, just fine,” she sobbed. “And then I’ll kill her for doing this to me.”

  She sat down on the sofa and tucked her arms around herself. Johanna began to rock, trying to contain the hysteria that was threatening to overtake her. She couldn’t let go, she couldn’t. If something had happened to Jocelyn, she was going to need a clear head to deal with it. Crying like this wasn’t going to get her anywhere. It wasn’t going to help find Jocelyn.

  Unable to sit still, she was up on her feet again, walking to the window. Two stories below, cars moved up and down the avenue as people milled around on the streets. People. So many people. She dragged her hands through her hair. How could Joshua find one lone girl amid so many?

  She wanted to call Mary, to call her father. To talk to someone, to hear something besides the sound of her own voice, her own heart pounding in her ears. But if she telephoned, she would be tying up the line and Jocelyn might be trying to call her.

  At that moment, her heart went out to every parent who had ever had a runaway child, or a child snatched away from them.

  Why wasn’t he calling, dammit!?

  The phone rang and she collided with the coffee table in her haste to reach it. She knocked over the plant she had been tending to so painstakingly. Dirt spilled everywhere. Johanna didn’t notice. The only thing on her mind was the telephone.

  Please let it be Joshua. Please let him have found her. Oh, please.

  “Yes?” she cried breathlessly.

  “I found her.” When only silence met his declaration, Joshua became concerned. “Johanna?”

  She gulped in snatches of air. “Where? Is she all right? Was she—?” She couldn’t make herself say the last word. If Jocelyn was hurt, if anything had happened to the girl because of her o
wn cowardice, she’d never forgive herself.

  “She’s at Mary’s. Mary found her waiting in the hall for her.”

  “Mary? But why didn’t she call me?”

  “She tried, but she couldn’t get anybody to pick up. Then her battery died. She didn’t want to leave Jocelyn to call you until she had calmed her down. By then I showed up. I’m out in the hall. I didn’t want Joce to hear me talking to you.”

  Thank you, God.

  With her back against the wall, Johanna slid down to the floor, her legs unable to support her any longer. “Oh Joshua.”

  He heard the relief, the fear drain from her. “I know. It’s okay, honey. She’s asleep and I think it’s best if she stays with Mary tonight. We can come and pick her up in the morning.”

  She nodded numbly and then realized that he couldn’t see. “Fine.”

  “She’s going to be all right, Johanna. Are you?”

  “Now. I—Joshua, could you—?”

  He heard the need in her voice. He had intended to come back anyway. She had been through hell and now that it was over, he wanted to be there for her, just to hold her if that was all she needed.

  “I’ll be right over,” he promised.

  Chapter Thirty-seven

  When she opened the door to him, he saw the tear streaks still fresh on her cheeks. Without saying a word, he reached out and brushed them gently away. Johanna mustered a smile and shut the door behind him. A long sigh escaped her lips as she turned toward him.

  “Joshua, I can’t begin to tell you how grateful I am to you.”

  “Then don’t try.” Words weren’t necessary, not those words. He could read them in her eyes.

  “I have to,” she insisted. “I have to talk to an adult. I’ve been talking to myself for three hours and you know how I can go on. I nearly drove myself crazy.” The abrupt flow of words stopped and she flung herself into his arms, pressing her head against his chest and holding on to his arms. “Oh God, Joshua, I was so frightened, so frightened. I kept envisioning all sorts of things happening to her and—“