Sapphire and Shadow (A Woman's Life)

by Marie Ferrarella

  “Shh.” He stroked her head, his fingers caressing her silky hair. “It’s all over now, Johanna. I should have brought you with me.”

  “No, no.” She looked up at him, still holding on. “You were right. If she had come home on her own, wanting to talk and I hadn’t been here, I wouldn’t have forgiven myself.”

  He liked the way she felt against him, soft, supple, feminine. “She loves you very much.”

  “Did she say that?”

  He wanted to lie, to tell her yes, but he had lied once, a long time ago. And it had cost him her. He was through with lies. “She didn’t have to. It was in her eyes.”

  She found that she could grin. “Oh, you read eyes now too?”

  “Didn’t you know? I’ve been reading eyes for a long time now. A hobby.” He brushed a strand of hair away from her cheek.

  Vulnerable, she felt incredibly vulnerable. The pending excitement, the electricity that was just out of reach, licked at her from all sides. All she had to do was take a step toward it.

  She took it.

  “And what do mine say?”

  She knew what she was doing, Joshua thought. Whatever lies she would tell herself later, she knew. “I’m not sure. I have to get in closer.”

  “Myopic?”

  “Just came on suddenly.”

  His breath touched her lips a moment before he did, preparing her, anointing her. She raised herself up on her toes just slightly as she molded her body to his, feeling the heat flare from his loins to hers. His need for her, hard and hot, was there and suddenly, she wanted nothing more than to forget everything but this passion that was igniting within her. Her lips parted, inviting him in, to taste, to sample. To possess.

  Joshua held her tightly in his arms, deepening the kiss slowly, taking time, holding himself back when all he wanted to do was make love to her, here, now, on the floor, breathlessly and passionately until exhaustion claimed them both. He had wanted this so much for so long that now that it was finally happening, it seemed unreal. If he rushed, he might frighten her, make her back away or he might wake up and discover it was all only a dream. He wanted to savor this as much as he wanted to plunge himself into her and enjoy her.

  But even now, he wanted to give her the gift of time, so he went slow, calling on all the control he had in his possession, stretching it tightly to its very limits and then asking a little more of himself for her. For Johanna.

  Once the waltz had started, she found that she didn’t want it to end. She knew all the arguments against this. She had been over them in her head a hundred times. She would give herself and inevitably have something taken away. She knew all the pitfalls that lay ahead, the trap that would spring and hold her prisoner, but she didn’t care. Not now, not this moment. All she wanted was to be held and to hold. To touch and be touched. Whatever penalties there were to be paid, she’d pay them. Tomorrow. When dawn came. But for now, with morning still hours away, she wanted to be his.

  The vulnerability that was ripped open tonight had made her open to attack by her own feelings. There was no use hiding from them or from the way she felt about Joshua. If she still believed in happily ever after, Joshua would have met all the conditions.

  But things didn’t happen that way. She knew and still she wanted him.

  He made love to her with his mouth. His lips roamed her face, touching her eyelids, her cheeks, her forehead, her throat with an endless chain of kisses that reduced her limbs to liquid and heated the very core of her being. As with the return to the museum, she felt as if she had suddenly come home, as if her soul had been searching for only this and had finally come to it, after journey’s end. Only the tiny part of her mind that was still functioning knew it was an illusion.

  But for tonight, the illusion was enough.

  Johanna tangled her fingers in his hair as he cupped her head back. Shards of desire shattered all through her as he did nothing more than kiss her over and over again. With impatience, she tugged at his shirt. A button popped off, pinging against a glass on the coffee table before coming to rest on the rug.

  Her very touch made it hard for him to keep his restraint in tact. He was only flesh and blood and the best of intentions could be easily burnt away by passion. “Careful,” he murmured against her skin, “I’m not much at sewing buttons back.”

  “I’ll do it,” she promised, tugging at the others. “I’ll sew them all on.”

  “Oh God, Johanna, you have no idea how long I’ve waited for you to say that.”

  She felt his smile along the hollow of her throat. “Even now, you can make me laugh.”

  “Laughter’s good for you,” he whispered, caressing her, letting his mouth glide down lower on her skin. “I’m good for you.”

  And he was. Oh, he was, she thought, groping to pull the shirt off his shoulders. She nearly shredded it as she pushed it down his arms.

  “You’re ahead,” he told her, his voice thick. “My turn.”

  With slow, deliberate movements, he worked the zipper of her dress down her back. Johanna shivered as she felt its descent until he came to a halt well past her waist. With both hands on her back, he parted the material like two halves of a book and rested the pages on her arms. The dress floated down to the floor and she stood in a soft blue teddy that made him ache in its transparency.

  “Part of me wants to undress you totally, the other part, the artist in me, wants to just worship here and now. God, you are beautiful, Johanna.”

  He made her feel soft, feminine. He made her feel as beautiful as he said she was. Every pulse in her body throbbed. Yet somehow she found words. They had always been able to communicate. She clung to that, that difference. Could that be the key? “Which part wins?”

  Mischief entered his gray blue eyes. “This is one work of art I really want to get into.”

  A giggle broke loose and it made the kiss that followed all the sweeter, all the warmer. Secrets were there, their secrets. Secrets they shared now and before. He spanned her waist with his hands, pulling her to his body as his mouth pulled away all the secrets she had kept from him, all her hurts and pain.

  Her hands curled against his chest, her fingertips gliding along the light matting of soft brown hair, her body heating at such a rapid rate that it stunned her. Even with Harry, it had never been like this, never this quick, this wild. And yet this sweet.

  It was past the time for words, for banter, for niceties. Needs and wants, so long denied, took over. The teddy whispered to the floor beside the dress. He lowered his head and touched her nipples with his tongue, sensitizing the skin along the way. She moaned, digging her fingers deeper into his hair and arching her body. She needed this, wanted this, loved this.

  Loved him.

  God help her, she was doing it again. She was falling in love with Joshua, perhaps had always been in love with Joshua, and there was nothing she could do about it to stop it.

  Nor did she want to. Perhaps tomorrow, but not tonight. Tonight she would burn away her sorrow, her bridges, and all the consequences that lay ahead. Tonight, she only wanted to be loved and to make love with Joshua.

  He shed the remainder of his clothes impatiently, tossing them aside. Rather than carrying her to the bed, he gently guided her to the white rug beneath their feet. The time for patience, for slow, languid steps had gone. The kisses grew more passionate, more caring, and they found that they bruised each other’s lips without feeling the pain. Only the ecstasy. The only thing that mattered was quenching the fire that burned between them.

  Her hands roamed his body. She wanted to touch every part of him, to pull his essence into herself. To absorb him and this moment, to pretend, for a little while, that it was all right. That somewhere down the line, her heart wouldn’t break. She heard his groan as her long, delicate fingers left their mark on his bronzed skin.

  It took every shred of control not to give in to the urgency that savaged his body. He wanted to plunge into her, to make her his now, finally, after all these
years, but even now, his breath ragged in his throat, his heart hammering at every pulse point, he held himself in check, pleasuring her. First, always first. Her satisfaction before his because it was his. He wanted to give her the joy that he was feeling and knew that at the very least, he could give her the jubilance of being loved.

  When his tongue glided down her body, teasing her skin, she tensed and arched and kept her cries muffled within her throat. It became unbearable to hold back. As his tongue reached the moist, inner core of her feelings, she felt a scream mounting, begging for release, just as her pleasure begged for it. The first crest tossed her like a skiff in the wind, first up, then down, then up again. She dug her nails into the rug, searching for a hold as his mouth worked indescribable wonders, making her rediscover her body, her wants, herself. She was moist and hot and aching for him.

  “Joshua, please.”

  The words were forced through a throat so dry she could barely speak. She held out her arms to him and felt his hot body along every inch of hers as he slowly pulled himself up over her. It was skin against skin, flesh against flesh, need against need. Never had she experienced such excitement, such pleasure.

  He framed her face in his hands for a moment and looked down at her. Her eyes were smoky, clouded with desire. She had never appeared more beautiful to him. He wanted to tell her then that he loved her, had always loved her and would go on loving her until there was no breath left in his body.

  But it was too soon for words like that, too soon for her and he knew it. It saddened him even now. But it would come soon, he promised himself. For now, he would content himself that he had her body. Her love was something he was willing to wait for.

  His mouth covered hers and he drove himself into her. The cry she gave echoed into his mouth as they both moved to a rhythm that had been preordained since the beginning of time. She didn’t know who set the pace, or if it was something they both escalated within each other. He had begun slowly, moving his hips just a little. Her response had become more intense, more demanding, spurring him on, until they both went spiraling faster and faster, bringing each other up higher and higher until they met again on the final plateau.

  A low moan echoed between them. It might have been hers. It might have been his. Neither knew.

  Spent, satisfied, their skins damp against one another, they lay within the shelter their arms created and let their breathing slow to a peaceful, easy sigh. He shifted his weight only slightly, to keep the burden from her. But he couldn’t bear to pull himself away from her completely. Not yet.

  Johanna keep her arms encircled around him for a long time, afraid that if she let her arms drop, if she let go, the rest would go, too. And the joy, the fulfillment, the sense of peace she felt within her was far too precious to release just yet.

  When he finally moved, she gave a small cry of protest, like a child about to be chased away from the only shelter she had ever known. He moved her over until her head rested on his shoulder and he could cradle her against him. She felt safe, protected and this was another gift he gave to her.

  They stayed like that a long time, each not wanting to move, not wanting to talk. Not wanting to break the spell of the moment, even though there was so much to say, so many feelings to explore.

  Finally, she fell asleep.

  Joshua listened to her breathe evenly and thought how wonderful a sound that was.

  Chapter Thirty-eight

  It had been a long time since Johanna had woken up in a man’s arms. Her mind still fuzzy with sleep, she was slow to open her eyes, not wanting to let go of the delicious sensation that enveloped her body and warmed it. With a sigh, she snuggled in closer. When she finally did open her eyes, she felt slightly disoriented. There was a man’s hand wrapped tightly about her breasts. And then it all came back to her in abrupt waves. Jocelyn. Running away. Joshua.

  Joshua!

  She jerked and turned her head toward him.

  He was awake. He had been for some time, but had been reluctant to move, not wanting to disturb her. He liked watching her sleep. She looked innocent, sweet. Untroubled.

  Joshua ran his fingers along her lips. “Good morning.” He saw the startled look that had entered her eyes as sleep quickly faded. He was determined not to let her withdraw from him. “Sleep well?”

  She felt awkward, embarrassed. She knew she shouldn’t. She hadn’t been last night. But her feelings about him, about the relationship that seemed to be swallowing her up so quickly, were too strong for her to be at ease. She didn’t know where to look. She didn’t know what to do. He was naked beneath the sheet, as was she. Heat radiated through her. There was less than a hair’s breath between them. Her heart began to hammer as she tried to think of something to say. Her mind was a total blank.

  “Yes, I—“

  “You were beautiful last night.”

  She pulled at the sheet, wanting to cover herself. The warm glow within her was at odds with an attack of raging embarrassment.

  Joshua put his hand lightly on hers, a gentle protest at her belated modesty. “Don’t hide from me, Johanna.”

  She knew that he wasn’t just referring to the sheet. He meant more. He had seen it in her eyes. Her fear of involvement. Her fear of being hurt again. Was she so transparent? Well, if she was, then he’d already know and understand her reasons. “Joshua, I can’t give you what you want.”

  Firmly, he uncurled her hand from the sheet and waited until it relaxed beneath his. “Yes, you can.”

  He was going to make her cry. She didn’t want to lose what she had felt last night, but she couldn’t let herself believe that it was more than a wonderful illusion, a scene that had been played out and was now over. To believe more would be putting herself on the line again. But, oh God, she did so want to believe. “I don’t believe in happy ever after.”

  He smoothed the hair back from her face. “Try.”

  Struggling, she found strength from somewhere. “No. I can’t face any more problems or heartache. I’m sorry, but I’ve been through all that once before. I won’t do that to myself again. I won’t risk it.”

  He thought he was going to lose his patience. How was he going to convince her? He cursed Harry’s soul to hell. He was still there between them, even in bed, a specter Joshua couldn’t exorcise. But he would. By God, he’d find a way.

  “Without risk, what is there?”

  This time, she did pull the sheet up higher, tucking it above her breasts. She didn’t look at him. “I have my work, my daughter.”

  “Work is a poor substitute to take to bed with you at night, Johanna.” Wanting to drag her mouth to his again, he satisfied himself with merely touching her face with his fingertips. “And Jocelyn will be on her own soon enough. Then what’ll you have?”

  When he touched her like that, it was hard to think, to remember. “I’ll join a volunteer group.” She dragged her hand through her hair and let it fall heavily. “What do you want from me?”

  “No more than I know you’re capable of giving, Johanna.”

  She shook her head, fighting back tears. She wanted to, God knew she wanted to. But fear held her captive.

  It would do no good to press. What he won could easily be lost. “We’ll take it slow. One day at a time and see where it goes.” He kissed the tip of her nose. “I’m not about to develop fangs and grow hairy at a full moon, Johanna. What you see,” he spread his arms, “is what you get.”

  It was certainly a lot, she thought, a smile slipping to her lips. She had never realized just how well built he was. She had known him once, worked with him now, and hadn’t realized that there were hard muscles beneath the jeans and pullovers. He was magnificent.

  But that didn’t alter the situation.

  “You’re making it awfully hard for me to stand firm, Joshua.”

  He caressed her cheek, his touch unbearably gentle. “I plan to make it damn impossible, Johanna.” His lips feathered lightly across hers, his tongue outlining them softly. “
Damn impossible.”

  “Oh God,” she groaned, her body leaning into his. Her arms went around his neck and the sheet tangled between them before he kicked it away.

  This time, the lovemaking was slower, richer, deeper than it had been. This time, they both knew the extent of the ecstasy that waited for them. And yet it was a surprise all over again. The wealth of feeling they evoked from one another overwhelmed them both. He had loved her, been in love with her for years and now fell total victim to her. In trying to ensnare the woman, he was that much more hopelessly caught himself.

  Colors flashed beneath her closed eyes, such colors that her breath was snatched away. Her head swam and the joy that jumped through her veins made it inconceivable that anyone had ever felt this before or would ever again.

  She found that she was the eager one as her body heated instantly at his kiss. This time she wanted to catch the brass ring quickly in her hands.

  But Joshua wouldn’t let her. “Enjoy,” he murmured against her throat. “We have all the time in the world. We have forever.”

  If only she could believe that. If only it were true.

  How could anyone feel like this and still function, she wondered, still think? She was in a daze, and yet somehow aware of every single sensation that he brought to her, like a fresh bouquet of meadow flowers. A rainbow.

  Her blood felt hot as he suckled at her breast. She entwined her fingers into his hair, pressing him against her, urging him on. His tongue just barely grazed her navel. Spasms seized her stomach as anticipation quivered throughout her body.

  She even fooled herself into thinking that it would be different this time. For a time.

  When Johanna went to pick up Jocelyn, Joshua insisted on coming along with her. She knew that she should face her daughter alone and yet was grateful for the moral support he provided.