Noob Game Plus

by Ryan Rimmel

  “Enter your mindscape. I’ll show you,” stated Shart. I didn’t like doing that in the open, but, now that Badgelor was here, I had someone to watch my back. Looking at my character sheet was distracting. Looking into my mindscape cut me off from all outside input. If someone dangerous, like that assassin, was about, it could end very badly for me.

  “I got ya, just hurry up,” stated Badgelor. I glanced over at Beakatrix and decided she wasn’t going anywhere soon. I proceeded into my mindscape.

  Instantly, I was on the platform where I could best see my character sheet. I pulled back, looking around my mind. The storms at the edge of my vision were still there, but I thought they were a bit less dark than they had once been.

  The ordinarily flat platform now had the Shart had built. It was currently flashing a blinding, red light. I walked over to it, only to be surprised. Staring up at me from the console was a pixelated representation of Shart. He did not look pleased. Does he ever?

  “This is new,” I commented, and the demon gave me a thumbs up. At least, I thought he did, but he could have flipped me off. I really couldn’t tell. The quality of the pixilation was on the same level as an Atari, and Shart was really just a blob to begin with.

  “I’ve upgraded the console, through tremendous effort and brilliance, just to give you some control over your leveling,” stated Shart. I glanced down at the controls, relieved to be able to read them. Each of my current classes was listed, even those that I didn’t presently have activated. A large, poorly made knob was beneath each of them. I reached over to touch the one for Sorcerer, one of my deactivated classes, and received a shock.

  “Don’t touch that, Dum Dum,” stated Shart. “Let me explain first.”

  “You shocked me,” I grumbled.

  “With my greatness, I know,” replied the demonic jerk. “You notice that there are dials.”

  “Yes, the knobs look kludged onto the ,” I replied, looking at what Shart was calling ‘dials.’ They had three settings: Off, Active, and Suspended.

  “Hey, I worked hard to make something your primitive brain could process,” grumbled Shart.

  I exhaled loudly. “These dials are super neat, Shart! Whatever do they do?”

  “That’s better,” replied the digital Shart. “By default, every class is off, except the class you chose during your Remort. If you turn the dial to ‘Active’, assuming the class is capable of being activated, you’ll gain all the abilities of whatever class you choose. If you keep turning to ‘Suspended’, you stop gaining experience. However, the class otherwise works normally. By that, I mean it will still eat up your total levels.”

  I glanced down at Explorer, which was edging toward level 16. Time to test Shart’s knob. Currently, the dial read ‘Active’, so I flipped it to ‘Suspended’. I didn’t feel any different. I tried to spin it back, but the dial was stuck.

  “You can’t reactivate a class once you suspend it,” stated Shart. “What I did borderline broke the . As long as you follow the dial, everything should work fine.”

  “What do you mean I can’t reactive it?” I questioned. “It can’t just be gone forever.”

  “Dum Dum, what part of ‘I broke the .’ did you not catch?” stated Shart. “You can get them back when you Remort, hint, hint.”

  “Thanks,” I said, as another question came to me. “What happens to the experience points?”.

  “They go somewhere,” replied Shart. I gave the a blank stare. Experience points didn’t just go somewhere. If I wasn’t getting them, someone was.

  “To you,” I stated.

  “Why wouldn’t they?” retorted the demon snarkily.

  “Because that doesn’t help us defeat Charles,” I said. “You are in Limbo. Will those experience points do anything to help us defeat the Dark Overlord?”

  Shart paused for a long moment. “Shit. Well, I can’t give them back to you. I had to send them to someone else.”

  “Why can’t you give me my experience?” I asked. That would make leveling up my other classes super easy, barely an inconvenience.

  “If I keep the experience with you, it creates a loop. If I made any mistakes in my jury-rigged hack job, the would notice you. You do not want the to notice you, like, ever,” stated Shart. “I had to divert the experience elsewhere.”

  “What about Badgelor?” I asked.

  “What about the stupid badger?” replied Shart.

  “Could you assign the experience to him? Maybe earn him some Talent Points or something?” I asked.

  “The only thing I really want to give that furry fucker is a one-way trip back to Jersey,” Shart stated, blinking up at me innocently. I stared back unblinkingly.

  “He already got out of there once,” I said. “Badgelor doesn’t strike me as the forgiving type.”

  Finally, Shart sighed. “Point, let me reconfigure it.”

  I pushed out of my mindscape and returned to real space. Suddenly, I was sitting next to Badgelor, who was glaring at the road below. A squad of town guards were running into the front door of the building we were on top of.

  “Are you ready for this?” he yelled, expanding to Ultimate Badgelor.

  “What do you mean?” I asked, examining the doorway. I was trying to figure out how to block them from getting to Beakatrix without things becoming violent.

  “I mean, do you have any other title choices?” asked Badgelor, glancing at me.

  I checked. I was showing ‘Jim, mayor of Windfall’ which was my default title. “What’s the problem?”

  “You are in Falcon,” stated Badgelor. “They are a bit attached to Windfall’s mayor.”

  I considered that for a moment. He was right. Julia mentioned the mayor casually all the time. Given that I was trying to rescue Julia, I didn’t have time to deal with that kind of attention. I guessed that ‘the mayor of Windfall’ would be akin to a Jesus sighting in the deep south. There was no way to sneak around like that.

  I brought up my Title Tab and saw that I didn’t have many options. O’Really was there, but I didn’t want to go back to that name. That just left my titles. I had two, the mayor and Jim, the Curious Puppy.

  “How the feck did I get ‘Jim the Curious Puppy’ as a title?” I asked.

  “Did you declare that to someone powerful,” asked Shart, “Like Charles?”

  I had. Apparently the had decided my declaration in front of Grebthar, the Dark Overlord, and Charles was sufficient to merit assigning me a new title. I selected Jim, the Curious Puppy, knowing deep down that if I was seen as the mayor it would bite me in the ass later.

  “I didn’t think you liked being compared to a stupid dog?” asked Badgelor, after he examined my title.

  “I’m hoping this will be a hat on a hat situation. Since I’m calling so much attention to the name, it will spoil the joke,” I said.

  “Humans are strange,” grumbled Badgelor.

  The building started to shake, as dozens of members of the town guard began running up the stairs. After a minute, I heard one yell, as they kicked open the rooftop door and rushed to cover us.

  Sitting quietly in front of the door, leaning on my sword with Ultimate Badgelor beside me, I asked, “Can I help you?”

  The chief guard came up first, as her men adopted a line formation behind her. I stood in my jet-black armor, with its incredible racing stripe. Next to me stood the Clydesdale-sized Badgelor. Finally, the giant bird person sat up behind us. The aura of ‘I don’t get paid enough for this shit’ radiated off that poor guard. “We are here to determine the nature of the strange monster that left the hole.”

  “Her name is Beakatrix. She’s with me,” I said, waiting for the joke about one curious puppy. It didn’t come, even though I could tell she was looking at my name tag. I let hope well up in me, while the half-dozen guards behind her watched me for a long moment.

  Finally, the chief guard spoke. “If she is not a threat, w
e will leave her with you, adventurer. Ensure she knows the local laws.”

  “Will do,” I said, straightening up and sheathing my sword. There was a commotion by the door, as several of the guards began speaking rapidly to each other.

  With my Perception skill, I heard one of them say, “That’s what they are supposed to do,” as he broke free and walked several paces closer to me. Badgelor bristled, but the young man did not back down.

  “Yes?” I felt compelled to say.

  “Sir, you are an adventurer. You have to help us,” he said, looking at me earnestly.

  “With what?” I asked.

  “Our princess, Princess Julia Angela Claudia Carrington Ewing Gioberti Napa Ewing, has been spotted leaving the town,” he said. “We’d like to offer you a quest to find her.” Several guards glared at him or at me. A couple clearly looked down when he made his statement.

  I gathered that there was something more to this ‘Rescue the Princess’ quest than that, and that the various guards had mixed feelings about the entire process. There were shades of grey around this quest that I didn’t fully understand. Yesterday, I would have had severe reservations about accepting. However, being Jim again was much more straightforward. I replied, “Of course, that’s what adventurers do.”

  Chapter 38 – Return of the Curious Puppy

  I launched myself at the next rooftop, hit it at a perfect angle, and continued running. There was just something about running from rooftop to rooftop that made the whole world a better place. Beakatrix was following me, occasionally flapping. She whined, flew, and panted loudly.

  “I can understand that you don’t like flying, but why are you so bad at it?” I yelled, as we ran.

  “Too… much…work,” she gasped, struggling to stay aloft. When she had been carrying me out of the hole, I’d assumed our flight had been majestic. Seeing things from the other side forced me to come to terms with how undignified we must have looked.

  “But you have wings,” I yelled, leaping off the third story of a building and landing on the second story of the next. My Mitigate activated. I rolled to my feet, down some Stamina but suffering no Damage.

  “If the wanted me to fly, it wouldn’t have given me feet,” she hissed, looking longingly at the ground.

  I rolled my eyes, as I spotted what I was looking for, a conveniently placed hay cart. Lining up my jump, I rocketed through the air, just as the horse attached to the wagon saw Beakatrix. He was so spooked by the giant bird that he jerked forward. I landed next to the cart with a loud grunt, rolling several times. I could feel Badgelor’s claws digging into my shoulder even more than they had been before. I unsteadily came to my feet and calmed the horse.

  My landing was, at least, more graceful than Beakatrix’s. She got way too close to the ground. Then, with a mighty flap of her wings, she crash-landed into the cart.

  I cast Heal Damage on her, as I picked her up.

  “You didn’t even try to land that,” I said.

  “Landing… is… harder… than… flying,” she gasped. After several seconds of gulping breaths, her Stamina replenished. She crawled out of the hay and stamped both feet into the ground, digging in with her talons. “I hate being that high up without something solid under my feet.”

  “I understand that,” I replied sympathetically, looking around. We were close to the market, so I gestured that way. Badgelor leapt from my shoulder and ran over to the hay wagon, where he promptly lost his lunch.

  “Ye suck,” he groaned.

  “Whiner,” I said, walking toward the market. He shook his head and started to follow me, with Beakatrix bringing up the rear. The crowd of people instantly parted, as we strolled forward. We were quite a sight, me in my radical jet-black armor, Badgelor being Badgelor, and Beakatrix looking like a goth Big Bird. People were pointing.

  The Party interface should have made Julia easy to find. I was actually surprised when she still showed up as being in town. My immediate assumption was that there was some sort of elaborate deception going on. While we were running all over the city, I thought I’d found where she was located, only to discover the Julia listed in my Party was actually a dress merchant. Part of the Disguise skill was the capacity to push your Party link to another person. Instead of just finding her on the Party menu, I was forced to use more mundane methods.

  Badgelor sniffed around. “It's too chaotic. There are a lot of people here. I think I have her scent, but I’m not sure.”

  “What do you need?” I asked, looking around. I had been playing nondescript O’Really for so long that I was used to being ignored. Now that people were paying attention to me again, I realized that some part of me enjoyed it.

  Beakatrix walked up to me. “Is it traditional for humans to have horse dung on the back of their armor for tracking missions?”

  I scraped off the dung, as Badgelor came up empty. He needed a good scent of Julia, and he just couldn’t pick one up in the crowded market. The next place to look was the caravan itself. Badgelor giggled when Beakatrix told him of my encounter with the horse. As we walked toward the caravan, the badger said, “Any piece of her clothing will do.”

  Fortunately, her initial dress was already in tatters, and I knew where she had hidden it. If it wasn’t there, I’d improvise.

  I saw Cole as we walked closer. I slowed my approach, fully aware that the sight of Beakatrix might put him on edge. He already had the guards out in force. They were currently glaring at the town guards. There was a back and forth going on between the two groups, and it seemed like the tension ramped up with every exchange. One of the caravan guards turned to me as I approached, my name emblazoned over my head. My new name and armor made me unrecognizable to him, and he moved to block the way.

  “Halt, there,” yelled out Cole, striding over.

  “Hi, Cole,” I replied.

  “O’Really?” he asked, staring at me. Instead of an accountant in patched clothing, he saw an adventurer.

  “It’s Jim, actually,” I said, waiting for the usual response. I didn’t get it.

  “I figured. Not O’Really sounded like a fake name,” he replied, looking around and lowering his voice. He inhaled sharply, before whispering, “Some adventurers took your friend. She’s the princess.”

  “I know,” I said. “I need to go rescue her.”

  “You can’t, Jim. One of those men smashed an adventurer into the Temple of Rogers. He plum destroyed the whole temple,” said Cole, implying that the adventurer was in the same condition as the building.

  “I know. I have to get him back for that,” I said, involuntarily rolling my shoulders. It was then that I noticed the two groups of guards. They had become very quiet.

  “Jim, there were five of them with the princess. You might be pretty tough, but you are just one man,” said Cole. Let me take some men. We might be able to help you. We will fight to save our princess.”

  I smiled. “I’ve seen them fight, and I’ve seen you fight. It's okay. I think I’ll be able to manage. After all, I’m not going by myself.”

  Beakatrix walked over at this point, staring down at me. “You better not be referring to me. I am not going, you crazy idiot. I’m going to that town you told me about and never leaving my rookery ever again. It's dangerous out here.”

  Cole had taken off his hat. Everyone was staring, wide-eyed, at Beakatrix. She had been speaking in Macaw, so nobody understood a single word she’d said.

  “Thank you, Beakatrix. I understand,” I replied, in my poorly accented Macaw. She patted me on the head and walked over to the wagons, examining their wheels.

  “A Progenitor gave you their blessing,” whispered Cole reverently.

  “That is Beakatrix. She will be traveling with the caravan,” I replied, looking over the wagons. Seeing Badgelor entering the main one, I yelled out in badger, “Hurry the feck up. I want to get moving ASAP.”

  Badgelor snarled something from the wagon, so I turned to RonJared and Hubert. They both looked
a bit shell shocked, but there was no helping it. I cast Hammerspace and began materializing the eggs next to me. “These are Beakatrix’s eggs. I need them transported west of here, past the Eastern Gate Fortress.”

  “Into Grebthar's Lands, with a Progenitor?” asked RonJared. Dozens of massive eggs appeared next to the wagon.

  “But you are just an Administrator,” said Hubert.

  “Actually, I’m the mayor and these eggs need to get to Windfall,” I said finally. “Can you do this for me?”

  RonJared hushed Hubert, before looking at me and Beakatrix. “Yes, of course, we will. We will take the Progenitor eggs and the Progenitor to Windfall.”

  Badgelor stuck his head out of the wagon and leapt down, holding a piece of Julia’s dress in his mouth. “Hold yer horses, ya daft bugger. This should be enough.” He threw several scraps of Julia’s old clothing at me. I tied one around my bracer, so he’d have an easy target to smell.

  By now, Hubert and RonJared had both turned bone white. Badgelor growled at me for several more moments, complaining about how disorganized the caravan was. They didn’t understand War Badger, of course. The entire crowd stared openly at the little badger. When he noticed their looks, he harrumphed far too loudly and expanded into his full, Ultimate Badgelor size.

  If seeing a War Badger was enough to turn heads, seeing one expand to full Ultimate size was enough to silence a city. I glanced around. Most of the guards were kneeling, and the Clerics of Iron were making symbols in the air. People were holding up small children, just to get a glimpse of Badgelor.

  “You have to give the people what they want,” he said, turning toward me. I raised an eyebrow, and Badgelor sighed. “Get on.”

  “I thought you didn’t want me riding you,” I stated.

  “And, yet, you never asked why,” replied Badgelor, sighing again. “Never challenge a man on a War Badger.”

  “Charles?” I asked.

  “We’d always ride into the thickest part of combat. Whenever the fate of the world was down to a roll of the dice, Grebthar and Badgelor would appear to save humanity,” stated Badgelor fondly. “I’m kinda gonna miss him, after he’s good and dead.”