Blazing Fear

by Leisl Leighton

  Jealousy flared through Prita, making her say, ‘Had personal experience?’

  Nat jerked, her face screwing up. ‘Ugh, no. Yuk.’ She shuddered. ‘Flynn’s attractive and all that, but he’s like my brother.’

  ‘Oh. Then why …?’

  ‘Flynn always had a certain reputation when we were younger—before he met and fell hard for Anna, that is. Not that he ever bragged. But girls talk.’

  ‘Yes.’ As they were right now. Something she didn’t really have much experience of until she’d come here.

  Nat screwed the film of plastic wrap into a ball and leaned her hip against the bench. ‘So, spill. If it was so amazing, why the awkwardness now?’

  ‘I …he …’ She swallowed, uncertain what to say.

  Nat’s brow furrowed again and she touched Prita’s arm. ‘It’s okay. You don’t need to talk about it if you don’t want to. It is your birthday party and I am being particularly nosy.’

  ‘No, it’s okay.’ And it suddenly was. She did want to talk about it with someone. It was a relief to have someone she felt she could talk to about her deepest feelings and thoughts. She’d already shared so much with Nat tonight. Why not this too? ‘I am attracted to him.’ Understatement of the year, but she didn’t need to share every single detail. ‘The kiss was …’

  ‘Hot?’

  Prita laughed. ‘In a word, yes.’

  ‘Did it lead somewhere else?’

  ‘No.’ She didn’t mean to sound so disgruntled about that, so she took in a sharp breath and met Nat’s gaze. ‘I ran away.’

  ‘You did?’

  ‘Yeah. But he followed me to make sure I was okay.’

  ‘That sounds like Flynn.’

  ‘Hmm. Yes, well, he found me in my bedroom and even though I didn’t mean for it to happen again, it did. We almost ended up on the bed.’

  Nat’s hand rose to her throat, her eyes wide. ‘What happened?’

  ‘Nothing. The kids called out for us.’

  Nat smothered a snort. ‘Kids have an incredible ability to burst in just when things are about to get interesting.’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Did they catch you?’

  ‘No, thank god.’ Her face heated at the thought and she turned slightly, fiddling with salad tongs on the bench and shoving them into a salad. ‘But it was good they stopped us.’

  ‘Why? With the sexual tension building between you two in the last few months, Barb and I have been worried about spontaneous combustion.’

  Prita snorted. She couldn’t help it, even though they were talking about a subject that was a little embarrassing and a lot hurtful. ‘We’ve not been that bad.’

  ‘You haven’t seen you two.’ Nat fanned herself. ‘Woo. Spicy. It reminded me of me and Reid.’

  Prita’s face became even hotter. She should deny it, but knew it was pointless. ‘Well, it doesn’t matter how spicy it is between us, because nothing can happen.’

  ‘Why not? Heaven only knows, it’s time he moved on and embraced some joy for his future. Anna was his first love, but she doesn’t have to be his last. You’d be so good together.’

  The words hit her like the rat-a-tat-tat of gunfire and if the bench wasn’t behind her, she would have staggered from the impact. As it was, she gripped the edge of the bench to steady herself and used everything within her to make sure the hurt of that statement didn’t show on her face. She didn’t want this. Had never wanted this. The gnawing ache in her chest tightened.

  ‘Prita?’ Nat touched her arm.

  Prita shook her head. ‘I’m fine.’

  ‘You don’t look fine. I’m sorry if what I said hurt you.’

  Prita managed a wobbly smile she knew was fooling no-one. ‘It’s okay. It’s just, it doesn’t matter how good we are, or would be, together, because it’s no use. Flynn is still in love with Anna.’

  ‘He said that to you?’

  She nodded.

  ‘Hmm. Well, you can’t let him use that as an excuse.’

  ‘Why not? It’s a good one.’

  ‘It’s not. Not really. I know his grief is real and he’ll always miss her, but according to Barb, Anna would have been the last one who’d want him to pine after her all his life. You just need to make him see he can’t live without you either.’

  ‘I can’t.’

  ‘Why not? Surely he’s worth it?’

  She heard the bristle in Nat’s tone and almost smiled at her friend’s defence of the man who was like a brother to her. ‘He is. He’s one of the best men I’ve ever known. But it doesn’t matter. None of it matters.’

  ‘Why not? Love is so precious. Why would you deny it to yourself?’

  ‘Because I’m—’ She choked over the next word, unable to say it even after all these years.

  ‘You’re what?’ Nat prodded.

  Prita’s mouth worked. God, why couldn’t she say it?

  ‘Is this about Carter? About you wanting to keep things stable for him?’

  ‘Yes.’ The word was spat out, such a relief to say it instead of the real reason.

  ‘But there’s something else?’

  Could she say it? Could she tell this woman who was her friend? Perhaps the best friend she had now, who promised to be even more than she thought she would ever have again after Chandra?

  ‘Prita, you’re worrying me now. Are you running from someone?’

  Prita laughed a little, the sound slightly hysterical. ‘Not really. Maybe. Kind of.’

  Nat blinked rapidly, obviously confused. ‘You’re maybe, kind of not really running from someone?’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘Who?’

  ‘My husband.’

  Chapter 12

  There was a large, horrible silence. Nat stared at her as if she’d grown two heads with another popping out of her ear for good measure.

  ‘Your husband?’ she finally choked out. ‘You’re married?’

  ‘You’re married?’

  She froze. Ice running down her spine as Flynn’s voice rang through the room.

  Slowly, so slowly, she turned to see him staring at her, his gaze so intense, so full of heat, anger, shock, it almost hit her like a blow. Oh god. What had she been thinking? To blurt that out here, where anyone could walk in when it was the thing she’d thought never to share with anyone. And she was going to have words with Barb and Nat about not checking when little ears were around? What about big ears?

  You see. This is what happened when you made rash decisions and ended up with friends who you wanted to share your secrets with.

  Nothing but trouble.

  When would she learn she was better off keeping things to herself?

  She forced a patient expression past the self-doubt and worry and met his gaze. It was too late now. She had to explain something. Not everything. But a little. ‘We’re separated.’

  ‘Are you getting a divorce?’

  She stiffened. ‘For reasons that are none of yours or anyone else’s business, no. We’re not.’

  ‘Then why the hell did you kiss me?’

  She hadn’t thought her back could get any stiffer, but it did, her shoulders squaring off as she lifted her chin and forced herself not to tremble. ‘I remember you kissing me.’

  ‘I’d call that mutual kissage.’

  ‘Stay out of this, Nat.’

  ‘Stay out of what?’ Reid and Barb walked into the room.

  ‘These two kissed. That’s why they’ve been so tense around each other.’

  ‘I knew it,’ Barb said.

  ‘Who’s taking care of the barbie?’ Flynn asked, his face stiff and pale.

  ‘The meat’s resting,’ Reid said.

  ‘Don’t change the subject,’ Barb said at the same time. ‘Spill.’

  ‘It’s none of your business, Mum.’

  ‘It is if it’s going to affect everyone around you because you’ve been such a prickly pear and Prita obviously doesn’t feel comfortable around you anymore. What did you do?’

>   ‘I didn’t do anything. And even if I did, she’s married, apparently, and shouldn’t have been kissing anyone.’

  ‘You’re married?’

  All eyes were turned on her.

  Their voices had barely made a dent in the ice-cold wall that had risen around her the moment he’d said what he’d said in that accusing voice. Vibrating with fury, her gaze zeroed in on Flynn to the exclusion of all else. ‘My being married has nothing to do with this, so don’t make out like it does and this is all my fault. You were part of that kiss too.’

  ‘And I shouldn’t have been. It was a mistake. A bigger one than I realised. I would never have kissed you if I’d known you were married.’

  ‘I thought you said you never should have kissed me because you still love your wife and you didn’t want to lead me on.’

  ‘Little reason for me to worry about that, wasn’t there? I never would have pegged you as a cheater.’

  ‘Flynn!’

  Barb’s remonstrance rung in the air at the same time as the sound of the slap. Prita’s hand stung. She looked down and then up. There was a red mark on the side of Flynn’s face. She’d slapped him? Oh god. Oh god. She couldn’t stay here. ‘I’m leaving.’

  ‘Prita, wait. You can’t leave like this. It’s your birthday.’

  She stared at Nat as if she were insane.

  ‘Don’t let Flynn being a jealous arse ruin the night.’

  Prita clenched her hand. She’d slapped him. She’d never done anything like that before. She glanced at him, surprised to see he wasn’t furious with her. But even so, she couldn’t stay. ‘I don’t think my staying is going to be pleasant for anyone tonight.’ Why on earth she agreed to having a birthday celebration at all was beyond her. She should have known it would end in disaster and unhappiness. They always did.

  ‘But what about Carter? He was so looking forward to the party and spending time with Aaron and Tilly,’ Flynn said.

  Damn it. Trust him to say the one thing likely to make her change her mind. She didn’t want to disappoint her little boy, but she really couldn’t stay any longer. Her mind raced while she struggled to hold back the tears that were more than threatening to come now. She turned her back on Flynn to face Nat. ‘Can you tell him I got called out to see a patient?’

  ‘I—’

  ‘He’s got PJs and a fresh t-shirt and undies in his backpack—so he can stay the night if that’s okay.’

  ‘Of course.’

  ‘Perhaps you shouldn’t drive upset, Prita love,’ Barb said.

  ‘Don’t go. I’ll go.’

  ‘Flynn!’ Three voices raised in protest over his offer.

  Her gaze flicked to him, surprised and a little horrified by his offer. ‘This is your home. You can’t leave.’

  ‘It’s Reid’s and Nat’s home, actually, so I can.’

  He was so stubborn and intractable. She stared him down despite the tears burning the backs of her eyes. ‘I slapped you. It’s inexcusable. I have to go.’

  ‘I deserved to be slapped.’

  ‘I … just …’ She shook her head grasping at a reason, any reason, to stick to her guns and go. ‘I have to go to the police station.’

  ‘What? Why?’

  ‘There’s been some calls.’ She waved away his concern. It didn’t matter. Couldn’t matter. Why on earth had she thought they could patch this up? It was impossible.

  ‘Prita,’ he said, his tone plea, warning and caring all wrapped in one.

  That tone stabbed at her, making her hurt more than anything he’d said before. She spun around before he could say anything else. ‘I have to go.’ She did. Before she started crying.

  ‘Do you want one of us to go with you?’ Barb asked.

  She blinked rapidly, breathing past the burn of tears in her chest. ‘No. Please. Don’t spoil your night any more than it is already. I’m a big girl. I’m used to taking care of things by myself.’

  ‘I didn’t mean to hurt you.’

  The words were whispered but they might as well have been a gun shot. The muscles in her jaw clenched so tightly, it hurt. She took a deep breath in, meaning to tell him he hadn’t hurt her, he could never hurt her, but instead the tears burned hot and bright, starring her vision, and in a thick voice she said, ‘I have to go,’ grabbed her bag from the bench and ran for the door before anyone could stop her.

  She jumped in her car and tore up the dirt road and onto the main road then did another left without thinking, onto the dirt road that ran to the top paddock where she stopped to spill out of the car and take in her favourite view of the hills that rose up from the valley floor to become the mountains at her back.

  When she was a teenager, when she was upset or overwhelmed, she would run to the park and stare up at the sky through the trees, imagining herself one of those brilliant suns, burning forever in the cold of space where no-one could hurt her. She’d let that feeling soak over her, into her, until her racing thoughts stopped and she was able to breathe past the tightness in her chest. She’d wipe the tears from her face and make herself return to her mother’s family, spine firm against the constant pressure to make her bend to their will. When she was old enough to drive, she’d hopped in the car her father had bought for her—the one thing she’d asked of him that he’d given her and her mother’s family had been unable to take away—and drive to a lookout in the Dandenong’s and do the same thing. When she’d come here, the first time she’d felt overwhelmed by all the changes being Carter’s mum brought, she’d driven through the winding road to Walhalla to climb to the top of the hill cemetery, but after Reid had brought her and the kids here one day to swim in the dam when the pool at CoalCliff was being resurfaced, she’d known this was her place. And she’d needed it. She’d come here when Doc Simpson’s narrow-minded approach made her so angry, she could spit. When the bullying towards Carter was at its worst. When Doc Simpson and his cronies began to turn nasty, before she decided to set up for herself. When the urge to leave and go back to the life she’d had before Carter nudged at her too hard—she’d hated that one most of all. She’d wait until she was alone, when Carter was at school or at CoalCliff doing rock climbing squad or having horse riding lessons or just playing with Aaron and Tilly, and she’d drive here and imagine herself soaring up there, high above everything, until she was able to feel more in control and able to turn back and face up to whatever was creating such turmoil inside.

  Papa had a term for why she needed this so much. An rud a lionas an tsuil lionann se an croi. What fills the eye also fills the heart. And usually it did the trick, but right now, as she stood there beside the dam and the dead ghost gum whose branches were like arms lifting up to the still bright blue sky of summer’s early evening, she couldn’t feel it. That sense of peace. All she could feel was turmoil and failure and like everything was about to come tumbling down around her.

  Why did everything feel too much? Why had she slapped Flynn? She’d been angry before and never resorted to being physical. She hadn’t even realised she’d done it. And the look of shock on everyone’s faces. Hell. How was she ever going to face them again?

  But she had to. She had to find a way. This was her home now. Hers and Carters. She’d let her hurt and her hot-headedness, her passion, almost get in the way of that.

  No more.

  She needed to take a breath and calm down. She also had to go to the police and finish her report. But she just couldn’t deal with that yet. She’d thought she was handling things, but apparently, she couldn’t deal with Flynn and the way he made her feel, the threatening caller and this aching, pushing, echoing loneliness at the same time. She plonked down, leaning her back against the ghost gum and looked up through its bear arms to the twinkling of stars in the twilight and tried to breathe. Tried to fill her heart with the peace of the sky so big and wide above her and the hills falling away in front of her. There was so much freedom here. And she needed that right now, when the ropes that bound her to the past were twining around
the ones she was binding herself to in the present, tightening, constricting.

  Shit. Shit.

  This wasn’t working. She got up and paced beside the dam, back and forth, breathing in deep, thinking of all her plans, all the things she wanted for Carter and herself until she began to calm down. Yes. That’s it. She had plans and she was going to stick to them.

  She paced for a bit longer, talking to herself, going over everything out loud as she’d always done when there was too much inside her bursting to get out. She couldn’t go anywhere until it was back inside where it needed to be. She was Carter’s mum. She was the community’s doctor. She had responsibilities. She was going to live up to them. No man, no stupid bloody threatening caller, no bullying local, was going to make her give up what she had decided to do. She was good at deciding things and sticking to them. She’d decided to become a doctor and despite everything her teachers and family said, she’d become one, a good one. She’d decided to marry Chandra to help him out and allow her to escape her mother’s family’s incessant attempts to set her up with one family friend after another, and she’d done that. She’d set her sights on working for charities that needed doctors to go to the world’s dangerous and needy places, and she’d done that. Then she’d decided to become a mum to Carter, to create a home for them and set up her own business that she could run how she saw fit and wasn’t tied to any other person’s ideals of what she should concentrate on. And she was damn well going to do that.

  She would apologise to Flynn and his family and make amends and do everything she could to get past this horrible night. This horrible last month. Goddamned birthdays. From now on, it didn’t matter what anyone said, she was ignoring hers ever existed.

  She wiped her hands down her shorts. Right. She couldn’t go back to Nat and Reid’s tonight. She was still too upset. But tomorrow, when she went to pick Carter up, she would make her apologies, eat all the humble pie she needed to, and then she was just going to get on with things. That’s all she could do.

  But first, she was going to go to the police and make her report. It would probably make no difference, but at least it was a step towards doing something positive, and she needed that right now.