The First Touch of Sunlight

by Len Webster

  At that moment.

  That squeeze of her heart.

  It was a reminder of how much she had loved Samuel Michaels.

  For now, it was just a squeeze.

  Next time, she knew he’d twist her heart to oblivion.

  “And a generous dollop of cream,” she reminded herself as she flicked her wrist several times until the cream slid off the spoon and into Sam’s Dutch hot chocolate. It had been so long since she’d made it for anyone other than herself. Meredith smiled. She hadn’t made a mess of it. Dutch-process cocoa, sugar, milk, cream, vanilla bean, and chocolate chips to sprinkle on top. She’d gotten all the ingredients right and hadn’t forgotten a single one.

  She would serve Josh his in a little while. For now, she wanted to speak with Sam. As she had made his hot beverage, she could hear Josh command Dutch perfectly, just the way his father had instructed him to do so. Satisfied with her end product, Meredith picked up both mugs and carefully spun around. Sam was still on the barstool, staring at her. She smiled at him and then walked towards the island counter, thankful that she had slipped off her heels before she started making their drinks. Once she’d made it to the edge of the counter, she set one mug in front of Sam and one near her.

  Sam picked up his cup and stared at it. Then, after a few long moments, he looked up at her. “I felt like I was eighteen all over again watching you make the hot chocolate. All these memories I’d forgotten were coming back to me. Being in this kitchen with you and seeing Dutch react to my commands … I feel like time and distance haven’t separated us.”

  Her heart stalled its beats.

  Her lungs slowly squeezed air into them.

  She understood exactly what he meant.

  This felt natural to them.

  “I understand,” she said in a small voice.

  “I have a son, Meredith,” he stated. “I love him more than myself. But you … you’re Meredith. I wasted your time, and I want to make it up to you. I want to see what we could have been. I wanna try.”

  “Try?”

  He nodded and then took a sip. Sam had pressed his lips together as if he were savouring the taste. “Not even my memories could give your hot chocolates justice.” He set the cup down. “Are you free tomorrow? I’d like to try tomorrow.”

  She still hadn’t told him that she had met Beth.

  Or what Beth had said to have her running to his house.

  But if they were going to try.

  Then tomorrow she’d tell him.

  “I’m—”

  “MISS D!” Josh shouted.

  Meredith and Sam flinched and quickly swung their gazes to the door. Josh had run into the kitchen with Dutch right behind him. She bolted to him, acting quicker than his father did. Meredith got to her knees in front of him.

  “Are you okay, Josh?”

  His face was all scrunched up. His hands covered his mouth and then he spat on them. Josh lowered his palms to show her the small black liquorice pallets.

  Meredith let out a small laugh. “I’m so sorry. I forgot they were there. They’re my father’s.”

  “It’s so salty,” Josh complained as tears gathered in his eyes.

  “Sam, could you get him some water?” Meredith asked, wiping Josh’s tears away. She heard Sam’s rushed footsteps and movements, the sound of the tap turning on and off, and then watched Josh take the glass from his father.

  After he had gulped down all the water, he squinted at her. “Why are your lollies so salty?”

  Meredith brushed away a tear that had escaped him and attempted to hold back her laughter. “I’m Dutch. They’re salty liquorice called salmiaklakrids in my country. I’d forgotten my dad leaves them on the coffee table. Your dad made the same mistake when he was eighteen.”

  “You did?”

  She heard Sam laugh. “I did.”

  “It’s so yuck, Dad.”

  Sam got on his knees next to her and set a hand on his son’s shoulder. “I know. You might have just eaten the worst thing ever, but you are about to try the sweetest hot chocolate you’ll ever have. Meredith’s hot chocolate is amazing.”

  Her cheeks heated at his compliments.

  Oh, she knew she was in trouble now.

  chapter twenty-five

  SAM

  Seven years ago

  Meredith had checked out of the hospital on Saturday.

  Sam had tried calling her all weekend. He’d even stopped by her house, but no one was home. He didn’t even hear Dutch bark.

  He wanted to know that she was okay.

  She had almost drowned.

  If she had, he’d have blamed himself for the rest of his life.

  It was Monday, and she hadn’t made it to English. In fact, besides Phil and Margot, no one knew that Meredith had been in the hospital. Sam had been miserable all weekend. Beth had messaged him, giving him updates on how she was feeling. They had fallen into a routine. They’d communicate through messages, and he’d take her to any doctor appointments. His mother was supportive of his decision to stand by Beth. She understood.

  “Missed you at the party this weekend, Mere,” he heard someone say.

  He spun around, completely ignoring Brian from economics, to find Meredith with Whitney from his maths class. Meredith was smiling. She seemed fine. She didn’t look as if she’d just come out of the hospital.

  Meredith was pretending.

  “Meredith,” he called out.

  She craned her neck and gave him a small smile before she returned her focus to Whitney. “I’ll speak to you later,” she said and then she made her way over to him. When she had stopped in front of Sam, he was completely dumbfounded to see how okay she was.

  “I called you.”

  “I know. I’m so sorry about Friday.” Her voice had gone soft as her chin dipped. She focused on her hands. Then she gazed back up at him with teary eyes. “My behaviour was completely out of line. I was reckless. I shouldn’t have done that to you. I shouldn’t have made you worry.”

  “Are you okay? Your arm and your head?”

  She nodded. “Just a few stitches. The doctor said it wouldn’t leave much of a scar. The branch went through me cleanly. They said I was lucky. They had to do some scans of my head to make sure it wasn’t serious, but I’m okay.”

  She’s okay.

  Sam stepped forward, wrapped his arms around her, and held her. “I’ve been…”

  “I know. I’m so sorry.”

  “Please don’t ever do anything that stupid again!”

  She let out a laugh. “I won’t.”

  Sam pulled away to see the sincere smile that graced her lips. “Are you free after school?”

  She brushed her loose locks behind her ear. “I am.”

  “Meet me by my Jeep after class.”

  Meredith nodded. “Okay.”

  Sam picked up his glass of water and took a sip. After class, he’d found Meredith waiting by his Jeep for him. He had helped her inside and driven them to the Bear Hunt. Throughout the day, he had worried about what to say to her. He had to apologise. For his father. For making her doubt so much that she had to take such drastic measures. He just wanted to make sure that she was okay.

  That she wasn’t pretending.

  He gazed up at her to find her staring out at the rain. It had been pouring since lunch. Sam had thought she’d change her mind and want to go home. But she had been quiet during the ride to the restaurant. She had ordered, and that was that. They had fallen into an uncomfortable silence.

  “Aren’t you going to ask why I jumped into the river? What is mentally wrong with me? What a stupid idiot I am?” Her eyes still focused on the raindrops that settled on the windows.

  “No.”

  “Why?”

  “Because you never asked me. You have your reasons
,” Sam explained. The inferno in his chest returned when he watched a tear spill down her cheek.

  “God, I thought I was over it. But then your dad touched me …” She wiped her tear away. “I just … relapsed. I’m sorry. Is it okay if we don’t talk about it?”

  He nodded.

  They once again fell silent.

  After a while, Meredith let out a sigh and faced him.

  “Sam?”

  “Yeah,” he said as he let his fingers brush against hers on the table.

  “Do you believe in true love?” The flash of fear in her eyes had his heart clenching in his chest.

  He used to.

  Had until Beth’s pregnancy.

  Until his father had walked out on his family.

  “I believe in you,” he answered without hesitation.

  Her eyes widened. “Is that equivalent?”

  “No, it’s more, Meredith. So much more.”

  All she did was blink at him.

  It was always so much more with Meredith Driessen.

  He knew it when he had first laid eyes on her.

  He knew it at that moment.

  “Here you are, kids,” their waitress interrupted as she set their pancakes on the table.

  But Meredith continued to stare at him.

  Maybe she had realised it.

  That she was more than true love.

  That she was worth believing in.

  Then she glanced down at her plate and reached for her fork and knife.

  Maybe she didn’t.

  After they had finished their pancakes, Sam sat with Meredith for almost an hour. She hadn’t said much. She just watched the rain.

  He hadn’t minded.

  But he did worry about her.

  She had said she relapsed.

  He had no idea what she meant. He didn’t know so much about her. But if he was truthful with himself for one moment, he’d know that he would never get the chance to know. Beth was almost five months pregnant. Soon enough, he’d have to explain.

  The truth about Beth will destroy my chance.

  The chance I never deserved.

  The chance I stole from someone else.

  He tightened his grip on the steering wheel as he drove down the highway and back towards Warren Meadows.

  For days, he had been kidding himself.

  There was no future with Meredith.

  Who would want to stay with a guy who was about to become a father to someone else’s child?

  “Sam, pull over,” Meredith instructed in a soft voice.

  “Why?”

  Maybe she’s feeling sick.

  Just in case, he indicated left.

  “Because I think I want to kiss you. I want your lips on mine. I’d rather you kissed me than make that frown.”

  He peeked over to see that she was staring at him. Checking his mirrors, he pulled over to the left once it was safe to. He put the car in park and turned off the window wipers. Rain now blanketed the Jeep, giving them privacy. Giving them the belief that they were safe from the rest of the world.

  Just Meredith and me.

  As he unbuckled his belt and twisted to face her, Meredith’s hands cupped his face, and her lips found his.

  God, she was so sweet.

  The way she tasted.

  The way she kissed.

  The way her mouth perfectly moved against his.

  He loved everything about her.

  And everything about this one kiss had him lost within her.

  This was right.

  He knew it. And with the way Meredith let out a soft moan, he knew that she thought so, too.

  Then she let out a sob, and Sam pulled back. Her hands covered her face as she wept.

  “Meredith?”

  “I’m sorry,” she said between her heavy breaths. “God, I’m a mess.”

  He pulled her hands away from her face to see her wet cheeks. “Are you okay?”

  She nodded. “I’m just …”

  “What?”

  He ached for her.

  Ached when he saw that flash of pain in her blue eyes.

  She didn’t just feel pain.

  She was in it.

  “I just feel so much guilt,” she revealed.

  “What? Meredith …” He clutched her wet hands. “Why?”

  “I made you worry about me. I did something stupid. I’m so sorry, Sam. I shouldn’t have jumped into the river. I should have answered your calls. I’m just so sorry.”

  He was shocked.

  If anyone should feel guilty, it was Sam.

  If anyone was going to hell, it was Sam.

  He had led the most innocent and beautiful girl to believe that he was worthy enough to be sorry over.

  She hadn’t seen just what a pretender he really was.

  “I’m the one who’s sorry. I let my dad hurt you. I let this happen between us. I knew how dangerous I could be to you, and I still kept coming back. You should be done with me, Meredith.” His hands left hers. “Why can’t you see that I’m not worth any of this? Why can’t you see that I’m not worthy of you?” He’d almost screamed it.

  Inside this Jeep, he’d voiced it.

  His own fears.

  Why couldn’t she see it?

  Sam was a bastard.

  Just like his father.

  “No,” she whispered.

  “Stop it, Meredith. Stop wasting your time with me! Stop caring about me when I affect you like this.” His chest felt tight and heavy. Sam felt like he couldn’t breathe. He was telling the girl of his dreams to forget about him. To find someone else.

  And the girl of his dreams defied him by shaking her head and scooting to the very edge of her seat. Her soft palms were against his cheeks as she let out a slow exhale.

  “Never underestimate how much I care about you, Samuel Michaels.”

  He turned his head away, to gaze at anything other than her beautiful blue eyes. “I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve this. What have I done to warrant your compassion and affections?”

  Meredith’s thumb brushed against his cheek as she urged his face to meet hers. “You have no idea, but you do. You deserve this. I wouldn’t want to kiss you or be with you if you didn’t. You saved my life, in more ways than one. I’m so sorry about the last few days. Can we start over? Forget everything and just start new?”

  His head screamed at him to tell her no.

  Spare her from the impending twist and turns their lives would endure in due course.

  Spare her from the hurt he would and could inflict on her.

  But his heart persuaded him to try.

  Sam leant forward and pressed his lips to hers in a chaste kiss. “We’ll start new. Right here. The moment we get out of this Jeep, we’re new. The rain has washed away all our impurities. We’re clean of our sins and our pasts.”

  “Okay. We’re clean of our sins and our pasts,” she agreed as she dropped her hands and scooted back to sit properly in her seat. Meredith buckled herself in and smiled at him. The hope in her eyes was heartbreaking to see.

  So much innocence in them.

  Innocence he was sure he’d rob her of.

  “Come on. Let’s get you home,” he said as he attached his seat belt with a click. Then he put his car into drive, indicated right, and peered into the side mirror. When he saw that it was clear, he turned back onto the highway and headed for Warren Meadows.

  Just like at the restaurant, Meredith said nothing as she stared out the window. With every peek he made, her curious expression astounded him.

  Her lost beauty.

  Perfect Meredith was fighting so many battles.

  Battles he was sure she didn’t have to face alone.

  Because he knew w
ithout any doubt.

  Like he had always known would happen.

  He had stopped falling.

  Now, he was consumed.

  “Meredith,” he said with his eyes still on the road.

  “Yes, Sam?”

  He peeked over to see that her eyes were on him. He had made a tight smile before he murmured, “Nothing.”

  From the corner of his eye, he could just see the small smile on her face. Then she had said, “Okay.”

  It was soft, almost awe-like.

  It sounded like love.

  ‘I love you’ was said in that ‘nothing’ and meant with his silence.

  chapter twenty-six

  SAM

  Present

  “I think you’re in dangerous waters, Sam,” his best friend, Phil, noted. “When are you gonna tell her the truth?”

  Sam let out a sigh as he wiped down the bench. Beth had just picked up Josh. She hadn’t said much. Normally, she’d tell him about her entire night. But today, she was unusually quiet. However, she did have a smile on her face. Then she had left to take their son to see his grandparents for the day. They were going to head up to the Dandenong ranges and ride Puffing Billy, an old steam train that went through the ranges. Phil had come over just in time to say bye to Josh and give him a fist-bump. Uncle Phil was Josh’s favourite, especially since he had no other uncle. He and Sam were supposed to go for a run. Instead, Phil had taken a seat on the barstool and demanded to know what had happened with Meredith lately. No doubt to tell Margot when he left.

  “I don’t know. I thought about telling her last night, but Josh was there. I couldn’t do it.” He threw the cloth in the sink and let out a sigh. “You should have seen her with Josh. She was so sweet and gentle with him. It wasn’t fake or forced. It came naturally to her. The way she cared for him. It was …”

  “Life changing to see?” Phil offered with a smirk.

  “She wasn’t bitter towards him.”

  Phil pointed at him. “See! If you had just realised that seven years ago, you would have your son and the girl you’ve been in love with since forever. You could have had everything.”