The First Touch of Sunlight

by Len Webster

  “She asked me if we were finished,” he said.

  “Are you?”

  Sam shook his head. “No. Even if we were, I wouldn’t want us to be.”

  “Gonna have to make this time count, Sam. Think it’s your last chance to get your girl. Josh loves her, and Beth has always wanted you to go after her. You know how Margot and I feel. We just finally want you to be happy. You’ve been and always will be a wonderful dad. But this time, it’s about you. Not Beth and Josh. Just you,” Phil said sternly.

  He had always been pro-Meredith.

  Even before Sam had dated Beth.

  When Phil had started dating Margot at fifteen, he’d wanted to set him up with Meredith. But Sam hadn’t wanted him to. At the time, he was sure Meredith had no idea who he was.

  “The longer you put it off, the worse it’s going to get. She deserves to know why you did it. She’ll understand. I did when you told me,” he pointed out.

  Phil was right.

  Meredith would … eventually.

  “I was drunk.”

  As if an invisible light bulb flashed above Phil’s head, he said, “That’s right!” Then he hummed. “We need you and Meredith in the same place. She needs to be sober, and you need to be drunk. This could work.”

  Sam pushed off the counter. “I’m not going be intoxicated when I tell her. She deserves for it to be done right. I should have told her the truth seven years ago.”

  “You should have also gone to formal with her,” Phil pointed out.

  Again, he was right.

  “Yeah, I know. I have many regrets that include her. Worst goddamn year of my life.”

  “You’re telling me. Listen, Margot and I are going to Daylesford next weekend to visit her brother and his fiancée. You gonna be okay?”

  Sam brushed his brown hair back. “Oh, yeah. How is Coop?”

  Phil smiled. “Still going strong with Peyton. Never seen someone so in love with another person … Well, not true. There’s you.”

  “Ha-ha. You’re so funny,” he deadpanned and went to the fridge. Sam took out two bottles of water and then handed one to Phil. “When’s Coop coming back to Warren Meadows?”

  Phil unscrewed the top of the water bottle and mulled it over. “Margot’s birthday. You still coming?”

  He nodded. “Yeah. Josh is excited about the present he’s making for her. It involves many Legos. Which reminds me. You want to help me make a Lego table for him? You don’t have to.”

  His best friend set his bottle down. “I’d be offended if you didn’t ask. I was the one who bought him his first set.”

  “All right, done. Beth has this Pinterest pin of the one she likes. Reckon we can get everything at IKEA and make it a cross between Lego and Marvel or something.”

  “He’s gonna love it,” Phil said as he hopped off the barstool. “Honestly, I don’t really want to go for a run.”

  Sam chuckled. “Me either. I gotta meet Meredith soon.”

  “I’ve been over for almost thirty minutes, and this is the first I’m hearing of you and Meredith hanging out? Where are you guys going?”

  “The Bear Hunt.”

  Phil approvingly nodded. “Ah, take her back to the good times. Sam …”

  He went rigid at the way his best friend said his name so softly. “Yeah?”

  “Don’t break her heart again, okay? She can only take so much. She loved you at your very worst. Remember that.”

  “Yeah, I remember it all too well, Phil. Trust me; it has never left me.”

  She had known the moment he took the turn off the highway that he was taking them to the Bear Hunt. Last night had been an eye opener. Seeing Meredith with Josh was beautiful. He had feared she’d be awkward with his son, but she was the opposite. She had welcomed Josh into her home and made him feel like he belonged. On the car ride back home, all Josh spoke about was Dutch and how much he loved how nice Miss D was to him. If only his son knew just how well Sam knew her. It was as if he had succumbed the moment Meredith’s dog came downstairs. All the commands Sam had learnt came naturally to him. And his son loved the dog. Before he had tucked him in, he had the six-year-old promise that the events of that night would stay between them.

  Sam would tell Beth.

  He also had to remind him that Meredith was his teacher.

  He had fallen asleep with a smile on his face, unaware of the significance of what had happened that night.

  When they had walked into the Bear Hunt, they took their usual seats by the large windows. Meredith hadn’t said much as she stared out at the tall pine trees with a small smile.

  “This place hasn’t changed at all,” Meredith said, still gazing out the window. It had just started to rain, reminding him of when they were teenagers.

  “Yeah. I haven’t been here in seven years,” Sam confessed.

  Meredith blinked several times then faced him. “What?”

  He offered her a small smile. “The last time I was here was with you.”

  “Why?”

  Sam glanced down at the table to see their hands close to touching. “This was our place.”

  Meredith’s index finger twitched. “You’ve never brought your son here?”

  “After you left, I never wanted to come back.” He took a deep breath and lifted his eyes to hers. “I thought about it, but I just wanted to be selfish and keep this spot for us. I love my son, Meredith. I hate that for a little while in his short life, I resented him when I should have resented myself. It was my fault. Not yours. And definitely not Josh’s.”

  Her hand covered his and that spark he felt all those years ago flourished within him. It felt as if he had come home. It felt right. And it felt real as her thumb brushed the back of his hand.

  “I have to tell you something,” she said in a small voice. The flash of fear in her eyes had him breathless. Sam flipped his hand over and held hers.

  “Okay.”

  She inhaled a short breath and then released it. “I met Beth last night.”

  Sam froze.

  What?

  His ex-girlfriend had promised that she’d never speak to Meredith. He’d given her that rule, and she’d broken it. He’d had her agree to avoid further complicating their situation. He’d have to talk to Beth and ask her what the hell she was thinking. They had found an ease in their lives. They became co-parents and great friends.

  She had broken his trust by speaking to Meredith.

  “W-what …”

  “She told me something.”

  Sam clenched his eyes shut.

  Please, not the truth.

  If anyone has to tell her, it should be me.

  “She told me what you said to Josh one night. That your favourite memories are the ones of me. That I’m your one and only first touch of sunlight.”

  “She told you that?” He was stunned.

  Meredith nodded. “I was having dinner with Tony when he had to answer a phone call. By the way, I messaged him last night to apologise, but he just said to let him know when I wanted to go out again. Anyways, I was just sitting there when Beth came up to my table. She apologised for ruining my life—which she didn’t—and told me that I had to see you. That was when I took a taxi to your place. I felt compelled to see you.”

  The truth shimmered in her bright blue eyes. That familiar, beautiful colour had returned to them. This was them facing what Sam had denied them of all those years ago.

  “You meant a lot to me, and I’m sorry for what I did,” Sam said with so much remorse that he tried to free his hand from hers.

  Meredith squeezed his hand and shook her head. “You never have to be sorry, Sam.”

  Familiar words that broke and mended his heart.

  “You wasted that ‘I love you’ on me, Meredith.”

  She finally let go of his
hand and got out of her seat. Then she rounded the table and took the free seat next to him. Meredith twisted her body perfectly to face him and brought her soft palms to his cheeks. He forgot what it was like to have her look at him so lovingly. He was selfish when he had kept her for so long. He was selfish for denying her.

  “I will not apologise for loving you. What I am apologetic for is never making you aware of how much I loved you. That I still do. And that I always will, Sam,” she whispered.

  He mindlessly blinked at her. “You still love me?”

  Meredith nodded, but her eyes glazed over. “You’re the greatest liar,” she breathed.

  “How?” he asked, not understanding what she meant.

  She made a short laugh. “Because after I had told you that I did, you said ‘I love you’ so convincingly that I believed you.” Her tears skimmed her cheeks. “I kept believing you. I kept believing that you did love me. But then you told me that you loved Beth, and that killed me inside. It destroyed me. It shouldn’t have, but I wanted to keep you and be with you. I wanted you to love me more.”

  “Meredith,” he whispered. Sam could hear the ache in his voice.

  Her hands dropped to her lap. “I couldn’t make you stay and see that I was worth it. You made me feel like I wasn’t allowed to love you. Why wasn’t I allowed to love you, Sam?”

  I denied her.

  I denied her so many times.

  I made her feel worthless when I was the worthless one.

  Sam stood up from his chair, and without another word, walked out of the restaurant. Tears threatened as the extent of his mistakes came to light. He’d destroyed her. The woman he had loved—still loved—hurt because of him. He marched towards his car, hating that he couldn’t face her. Droplets of rain landed on him, but he didn’t care.

  It had gotten too much.

  He was a coward.

  Always had been.

  He was his father’s son.

  When he reached his Mercedes, Sam rested his arms and his forehead against it. He heard the footsteps behind him, but he ignored them. He knew Meredith had followed him. He knew he had to tell her the truth because it was eating him alive. He needed to release so many people of their guilt.

  Phil.

  Beth.

  His mother.

  Margot.

  And Meredith.

  The footsteps stopped next to him, and Sam pushed off the car and faced her. Her soaked hair reminded him of the day he had pulled up next to her and begged her to get in his Jeep so he could drive her home.

  But this time, it was her tears that soaked her face as her lip trembled.

  Sam exhaled loudly and clenched his hands beside him. “You’re allowed to love anyone. Who you’re not allowed to love is someone less than you. Less than your worth.”

  Meredith’s chest rose and fell as she stared at him. “You’re worth it, Sam,” she said as her hands grasped the sides of his head and she crashed her lips to his.

  Oh, fuck.

  That was the only thought he could register.

  Her lips were how he remembered—soft, warm, and perfectly plump. The way she kissed was as if she had never forgotten him. He wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her against him. Loving the soft moan she made, he took the chance for his tongue to slip past her lips to meet hers. Rhythms he hadn’t felt and known in over seven years returned as they entered a pattern of kisses and strokes. Sucks and heavy breaths.

  This.

  In all its vulnerability …

  Was them at their freest.

  Them at their weakest.

  Them exposed to the truth the past wanted to reveal.

  Moans.

  Sighs.

  Kiss.

  His name.

  Kiss.

  Sigh.

  Her name.

  I love you floated somewhere between.

  “Meredith,” he murmured against her mouth once the freezing rain had picked up and was drenching them. It was bitterly cold. Like chips of ice were landing on them and piercing their skin. She shuddered once he had pulled back, separating them.

  After all these years, it still remained.

  He still loved her.

  To the point where love evolved into fear.

  And he could see it in her eyes.

  She feared what was to come next.

  “I should get you home. This rain is only going to get worse,” he said.

  He had expected words from her. Instead, Meredith took a step back and then another until she spun around and made her way to the passenger side door.

  The truth was spilling from its confines.

  Soon enough, all his mistakes and choices would see the light of day.

  The past would surely destroy so many of them.

  With a push of a button, his government car’s engine was now off. So much silent tension hung in the air on the car ride from the Bear Hunt to Meredith’s house and it was suffocating him. He wanted to say something. Anything. But words failed him. Words failed to leave his lips. Words became letters and symbols that refused to be vocal.

  Meredith had just stared out the window.

  She had not attempted to make conversation with him, and he didn’t blame her. He was confused. Taking her back to the Bear Hunt hadn’t gone the way he had planned. He wanted to talk about the last seven years and all the things she had done without him. But the mention of Beth and the lie he had told Meredith had opened all their old wounds.

  Wounds that he had inflicted on them.

  Wounds that after all these years had never stitched closed.

  Trying was harder than failing.

  Trying was adding to their pain.

  Maybe they shouldn’t have tried.

  Last night meant nothing.

  They were the last pieces of confetti.

  The pieces that took their time to fall.

  Meeting the ground was inevitable.

  To pile up with all the remains.

  Their lives were confetti.

  Pieces of them had time to fall and linger and collect.

  “Thank you,” Meredith finally said, pulling him away from his thoughts as she faced him. “Maybe I’m just seven years too late.”

  He should stop her from leaving his car. Instead, he let her go. Watched her make her way up to the gate and unlatched it. Watched her go up the path and to her front door. Watched intently as if it were the first time she’d left him in his car to enter her house. But it wasn’t. He’d let her go so many times before. Never chased her. Let her enter her house without the knowledge of the truth and completely unaware of what kind of man Sam really was.

  He had good intentions.

  But he had never delivered his actions with good precision.

  He knew deep down that he would never find someone like Meredith again. Never find someone who adored his son as she did. Never find someone who would love him or wait for him.

  Seven years apart and …

  It was still only Meredith.

  Sam picked up his key from the charging slot and got out of the car. As he had thought, the rain had picked up. He gazed up at the grey sky and heard a crack of thunder. Sucking in the cool air, Sam ran towards the gate and unlatched it with a fumble. Then he bolted up the path until he was at her door.

  He didn’t hesitate.

  He let his knuckles tap hard against the wooden door.

  Sam waited as he felt the tight thumps his heart made.

  He had no idea what he’d say.

  He had to trust that the right words would leave him and greet her.

  Finally, the door opened. And there standing before him, Meredith Driessen was in tears.

  “Sam—”

  He shook his head to stop her. The truth would tak
e some time, but this, he could give her this. Free them of what they had been denied. “I pushed you away because unconditional would have become conditional, and that would have destroyed me.” Sam made a sharp inhale. “I love you, Meredith. All this time, I have loved you. All this time, I have thought of you. And all this time, I have missed you.”

  She blinked rapidly at him. Her lips had parted at his confession.

  She appeared to be in shock.

  “I’m seven years too late; I know that. I didn’t know how I could find you, and when I tried, you were long gone. I messed up. I was a kid, Meredith. I thought I was doing the right thing. I realised too late that I had given you conditions and never the chance at unconditional,” he said remorsefully.

  Meredith blinked, releasing her tears to fall freely.

  “I was never fair to you. I held back. But not this time.” Sam took a step closer just as Meredith took one back. He stood at the doorway as his palms settled on the nape of her neck and whispered, “I love you, Meredith Driessen.”

  Her hands gripped his shirt as she pulled him into her house and into the hallway. In a breathless voice, she said, “I’ve never stopped loving you, Samuel Michaels.”

  Those were the only words his heart needed to hear as he kicked the front door shut and sealed their confession with his lips to hers.

  chapter twenty-seven

  SAM

  Seven years ago

  “Happy birthday, Meredith,” he wished over the phone as he scrambled to collect the sheets of his politics essay that were printing out. For three weeks, he had gotten closer to Meredith. They weren’t officially boyfriend and girlfriend, but they were as close to it without the titles. She never asked, and he never pushed. With Beth’s pregnancy still in the back of his mind, he was careful to juggle the two aspects of his life.

  The life he had always wanted where Meredith was his.

  And his reality, where his ex-girlfriend was pregnant, and the girl of his dreams was on the cusp of being his.

  But he hid things from Meredith.

  Hid the fact that he was about to become a father.

  Hid his true feelings for her.