by Unknown
Hey Josh! Good to hear from you. I’d love to tell you more about Florida and some other things. Could you come by this evening after your last class?
Josh agreed to come straight over from the university and now my stomach was in a knot. I had no idea how he would take it. I didn’t want to dredge up all the hurt I’d caused him by announcing I may have potentially created a life-long reminder. Josh was the type of man who would want to make an “honest woman” of me, but I knew the thought that Mike could be the father could potentially crush him. As I sat back down in front of my painting and rinsed the brush in water, thoughts of how to break the news gently swirled in my mind.
I wasn’t getting anywhere with a way to tell Josh so I decided to shift my focus back to painting as the melodious sounds of Sara Vaughn steeped into every fiber of my being. With each whimsical stroke of the brush, the anxiety that had begun to mount slowly diminished.
At eight thirty on the dot, the doorbell rang. I grabbed an old, paint-stained hand towel off of the nightstand and wiped my hands as I stepped down the staircase toward the front door. I could see Josh peeking through the side panel glass next to the door and when I opened it, he stood there, looking exceedingly handsome in his dark blue dress shirt and brown blazer.
“Come on in.” I chewed my bottom lip nervously and stepped aside. “How’d it go with your classes today?” I was stalling. How the hell am I going to say this? “Would you care for a glass of wine?” I ignored his curious stare and traipsed off to the kitchen before he could work his way into that intense gaze where he studied my face and somehow read my mind. I knew it was coming and if he looked into my eyes there was no way I could hold back from telling him the truth. I was still hoping to find a way to make it eloquent and not blurt it out like word vomit.
I came back with one glass and a bottled water and sat down on the sofa. I gave a pat to the vacant space beside me and a coaxing glance. Without a word, Josh strode over and sat down. “Are you going to make me drink alone?” He said as he grabbed the glass and took a sip.
“I’m not really drinking right now, but you enjoy.” I took a big sip of my water and hoped it would dampen my dry, cotton mouth.
“Does this have anything to do with the way I found you a couple of weeks ago? I guess Mr. Patrón taught you quite a lesson, huh?”
“Well, that is part of the reason. The other part is why I asked you to come over.” I fixated my eyes on his.
“What are you trying to say Erin?” Josh was really searching my face now. I saw his eyes change and knew he was beginning to understand my unspoken words. “Erin are you trying to tell me you’re… pregnant?” Even though his last word came out barely above a whisper as he averted his gaze and stared thoughtfully at the carpeted space surrounding my feet, I felt the full brunt of his shock.
After a long beat, I broke the silence with the word that carried the weight of a sledgehammer as it crossed my lips. “Yes.”
I heard the release of the breath he’d been holding. I didn’t have the courage to look him in the eye and now I stared at the patch of carpet surrounding Josh’s feet. Now for the hard part! I thought. “Before you say anything, there’s more. Based on what I can tell, there is a possibility that either you or Mike could be the father. I’m so sorry to put you in the middle of all of this. Of course, I never meant for any of this to happen and to be so careless is totally outside of my character. I understand if you don’t want any part in any of it. I am not telling you this to force you into anything, I just felt like you deserved to know and I wanted to tell you early enough so it wouldn’t be a surprise.” After divulging everything and barely taking a breath between, I leaned forward against my lap and held my head in my hands. Suddenly I felt light-headed and like I might be sick. Breathe Erin. I coached myself through a few cleansing, calming breaths. When I could no longer take the heat of Josh’s glare against my cheek, I turned to him. His face was serious. His lips were pursed sternly together and there was a slight furrow to his brow.
“Does Mike know? Is he planning to be involved if he’s the father?”
“I haven’t told him yet and I’m not sure. I want to know your thoughts about this!” I hadn’t meant to come off so short, but it was too late now. I can’t believe the first words out of his mouth are about Mike! It had agitated me. What the hell did Mike have to do with how he was going to handle things?
“To tell you the truth, I don’t really know what I think. I feel a whole lot of things at this moment. I’m happy for you because you’ll be a great mother and you don’t seem distressed by this at all, so I can only assume it’s what you want. Maybe not exactly what you planned, but still what you want. As for me, I want to be happy because I want to believe that it’s my child growing inside you. However, part of me is sad, angry; devastated at the possibility that the child you’re carrying could belong to the man you cheated on me with. This child could be the result of your ‘one night stand’ or ‘relapse’ or whatever you want to call it!” I watched Josh take a breath to calm himself before he resumed again. “Like I said, I have a lot of feelings about it, but if you have any question of whether I will be here for you, if the child is mine I’ll be there as a father and even if it isn’t I’m here as a friend. That won’t ever change. Unless some day you should decide, you want something more or nothing at all.” There was a trace of sadness in his voice that resonated in my ears like an echo.
“You say than now but if it turns out this isn’t your baby you could never raise it knowing whose it was and how it was conceived. Even your heart isn’t that forgiving,” I retorted.
Josh let out an exasperated sigh. “Please don’t begin to assume you know the depths of my heart or my affection. What you got during our relationship barely scratched the surface. I didn’t really get a chance to show you how much I cared or just how I could love you or forgive you, so don’t be so presumptuous.” His tone was even and his eyes were unwavering from the patch of carpet on which they’d again been set.
Josh didn’t sound angry, but his words struck me like a fist. I couldn’t fathom that he could have loved me more than he had when we were together. I wish things could have been different, but there’s no use dwelling on it now. I felt badly for not being able to reciprocate his feelings. I could barely bring myself to look Josh in the eye as I tried to make amends for snapping at him. “I apologize Josh. I didn’t mean that the way it sounded. You’re right, I shouldn’t assume I know you well enough to tell you how you would handle a situation like this. I honestly can’t believe you’d still consider us ever being together. Not that it couldn’t ever happen, I just thought we’d never really get over everything we’ve been through as individuals and together.”
“If I can work toward forgiving my mother for all that she let happen to me and my brother, I can certainly forgive you. In a way, what happened with us is an extension of what I went through as a child. For a long time I blamed my mother for not saving me when that woman did all those terrible things to me. But now I know that woman wasn’t my mother. She looked like her but it wasn’t her inside. The woman who abused me had nothing to do with my mother. She was a monster who took advantage of a child. Today I can take ownership of my part in it keeping that nightmare alive because I never got the help I needed to heal that wound and it contaminated our relationship. If you can take ownership of your part in what caused our breakup and understand why you did it, you’ll be able to move on from it too. Once that happens, who’s to say what would or could be next for us?” Josh paused as his eyes bored into me. “I’m just saying, I would never rule out the possibility of loving you because I have no choice. Loving you isn’t optional for me any more than breathing is. I will love you until the day I die Erin Porter.” My heart ached with the sadness that shone in Josh’s face. I didn’t know what to say and now, neither did he so we sat there weighted by the heaviness of our silence until finally, he spoke. “What’s the deal with you and Mike? Are the two of you together
?”
“I’d rather not go into all of that right now, but to answer your question, no, we’re not together. I can’t even think about being with anyone right now. There are too many other things on my mind.”
Josh pursed his mouth into a thin line and let out a huff of air. “Alright. I won’t go there. I’m just trying to make sure you’re covered. Just know that you don’t need to worry about me being here. I’ll be here in whatever way you need me to be.” He reached for my hand and I tucked my fingers lightly beneath his as I scooted closer to him, wrapping my free arm around his neck.
“Thank you.” I said against his shoulder. “I was prepared to face this alone, but it’s nice to know I won’t have to. I swear I’ve never met anyone like you in my life. You have the biggest heart and the most genuine love anyone could ever receive. You amaze me Joshua Griffin!” I felt Josh’s arm slip around my waist and he pulled me closer. His hold felt safe and unwavering and for a second I wondered if I could have gotten by without all my frivolous desires that had caused me to stray. It all seemed really superficial at that moment. Isn’t loving someone about making sacrifices and acceptance? Wait, what am I thinking. As great as he is, this isn’t where my heart is and it’s not fair to lead him on.
I shook off my fleeting relationship thoughts and pulled away from Josh. I have got to stop getting caught up in every damned emotional moment. It was like once I’d made the decision to open my heart I could no longer control it and it was fickle. I was still seeking emotional validation and because I genuinely wanted the feeling, I was latching on to whoever offered it in any given moment. Lately love seemed to be coming at me from every direction. It should have been a good thing, but it had my head and heart all mixed up. As I sat there beside Josh, I regretted canceling my therapy session. It’s pretty evident that I still have some things to work through.
“Lost in your thoughts again I see. You do that a lot when I’m around.” Of course, Josh was watching me. He always was, but the one thing I noticed was that his eyes never roved my body like Mike’s did. Josh always looked at me with longing and tenderness whereas Mike, always drank me in like something he craved to devour. Josh’s tenderness was endearing, but Mike’s voraciousness intoxicated me. I want to feel it all—the love and the lust. I wanted to be loved unconditionally and desired uncontrollably. I need them both. I glanced over at Josh who was still staring unabashedly, awaiting a response.
“Yes Josh, I think a lot nowadays. With so much time, on my hands there isn’t a whole lot else to do. I’m constantly thinking of what I’ll do next, how I will do it and when I’ll do it.” Who’s gonna be doing me and when? “The baby is just adding to my list of things to think about, except it’s been put directly at the top of my list.” Being done soon and well is running a close second. I ignored the random pulse between my thighs although it was getting harder to ignore the changes the hormonal overload was causing in my body. I was fine when I was alone but today, with Josh so close with his familiar scent filling my nostrils I was beginning to feel my resistance weakening. Sex with Josh would relieve my body, but it won’t change my heart. I guess I’ll have to learn to deal with being undersexed and overly hormonal.
Despite the involuntary impulses that stirred within me, I knew I couldn’t toy with Josh like that, and I was relieved when he broke my train of thought to ask, “How’s the art coming? I’m sure you plan to put an incredible mural or something into the baby’s room.”
“The baby’s room… I hadn’t gotten that far in my head yet.” Instantly my thoughts shifted and the smile I felt in my heart showed upon my face. One of my four bedrooms will become my baby’s room. As much as I loved the thought of that, it was still early on so I tucked it away in the back of my mind. “To answer your question, art is going great! I actually have several pieces upstairs that I’ve been working on and I’m planning to have a showcase in a few months.” Now why did I say that? Of course, he’ll want to come, but he’ll see me performing with Mike!! Shit! “That’s not actually set in stone but it’s something I’m thinking about doing.” I blurted abruptly, trying to fix the jam my mouth had gotten me into.
“A showcase, huh? You should do it! I’d love to come and see you perform. Keep me posted!”
I smiled tightly and changed the subject. “So, would you like to see some of my art pieces?”
“Of course!”
I led the way up to my art studio and flipped the light switch. Josh’s eyes said it all. He looked astonished as he walked over to where the canvases were stacked against the wall. He went through each one slowly and I knew he was memorizing every detail. He stared for a long time at the blue jay before turning to me. “They’re beautiful!” Josh walked toward me. “But how could they not be? Look at who made them.” He reached out and brushed his hand lightly over my hair before caressing my cheek and resting his forefinger beneath my chin. Josh tilted my face up toward his and before I could protest, he planted his lips firmly against mine. I didn’t deny him as the last fiber of my already weakened resolve snapped. There was no question, my body wanted it. I’d wanted him to touch or kiss me since the morning in his apartment. Come on Erin, you can’t be this weak! I scolded myself mentally, but my body still had other plans. Josh’s tender kisses soon burned with passion as his tongue met mine. His strong arms pulled me into him and every part of me awakened. After weeks of lying dormant, my body was alive and I wanted it to stay that way. Just as I was about to fully cave, Josh pulled back, locking his gaze with my wide, brown eyes. “Before I was too subtle because I was afraid to lose you, now I know I’m even more afraid to live without you. I love you Erin and I know I said I was willing to just be friends but today, right now, I know that isn’t enough. The love that I believe we can have is worth fighting for. You are worth fighting for and I’ll be damned if I’m just going to let him have you! Put your friend Mike on notice. I’m all in because I have nothing to lose and everything to gain.” Before I could respond Josh’s lips covered mine and seized my tongue with a force I hadn’t felt since when we were first together. I pressed my body into his and was shocked when he pushed me away. “I’m in this for the long haul and I know you want me now, but I won’t be satisfied until you want me forever.” He placed a soft kiss on my cheek. “Get some rest. I’ll call you tomorrow to check on you.” Josh’s eyes met mine and a smile spread across his lips. He cupped my face in his hands and left one last kiss on my lips before he backed out of the bedroom and trotted down the stairs. I was still standing there letting the wall hold me up when I heard the front door close.
What the hell just happened?!!
I didn’t really know what Josh had in mind when he said he would fight for me and I wasn’t sure if it could or would change anything, but I couldn’t ignore the fact that his assertive confidence was sexy. It was one of the things I had longed for in our relationship and seeing it today actually had me contemplating the idea that Josh could possibly tip the scales in his favor. “Only time will tell.” I muttered to myself and shook my head. I ran my fingers over my lips that were still plump and tingling from Josh’s kisses. I’d said before that he had no passion. I was clearly mistaken. The one thing I knew for sure he had true passion for was me!
Chapter Twenty-Three
It had been one month, three art classes, two therapy sessions and twenty-one days of early-morning runs since I’d seen Mike. He’d sent me texts about once a week just to check in and tell me he was thinking of me. Though it wasn’t much, I still broke into a cheesy grin each time his name illuminated my phone and on the occasions he actually had a chance to call me, his voice always sounded like sweet music. I relished his every word, each of them bathed in a subtle rasp. He’d called me once because he missed my voice and again about two weeks later just to make sure things were progressing well with my art and to let me hear his progress with the song. We would also share banter about how his aunt was progressing and when he told me last night that he was coming home in the mo
rning it took everything in me not to let out a squeal. It would be a lie to say I hadn’t missed him. Even though the only time we really spent together was during our runs in the park, I had considered it quality time. I had learned so much about who he was as a person and now, I missed that person.
There was also the fact that I was ready to really start working on putting together my showcase. I’d thought a lot about what Mike said before he left and had been seriously considering performing. Actually, in my mind the singular performance had grown into a whole show. I’d been practicing a couple of songs and thought it would be cool to sing and paint something right on the spot. As I drove to Mike’s home all the confidence, I’d had about my idea were slowly dissipating. Well, if he doesn’t like it, I hope he’ll let me down gently. Shit, his thoughts about this showcase are the least of my worries. My hand automatically went straight to my tummy and I gave it a tender pat as I pulled into Mike’s driveway.
I rang the bell and waited as patiently as my nerves would allow for someone to come to the door. It wasn’t long before I heard little feet run across the hardwood floor and seconds later I saw a tiny face peek out through the side-panel window. I peeked back playfully and Adrian took off running, yelling, “Daddy, there’s a lady at the door!” He’s forgotten me already. I wasn’t sure why, but I found that slightly disheartening.
I didn’t have long enough to get too deep into my feelings before Mike pulled open the door. He stood there in his black t-shirt and oversized gray sweats and all I could think about was leaping into his arms and wrapping my legs around his waist. I resisted the urge but allowed myself the pleasure of surveying his body and—almost as if he was expecting it—Mike let me. “I missed you too.” He said gruffly and his lips parted into a half smile. “Come on inside. I’m cooking for you today!” I stepped across the threshold of the doorway and immediately began to salivate as the scents of pot roast, potatoes, macaroni and cheese and what smelled faintly like a sweet potato pie wafted into my nostrils. “You did not cook all that food!”