Let Me Live

by Shirley Anne Edwards

  “Another Arielle influence? You really don’t have to lose any more weight.” I would have never brought up weight with another girl, but I could with Charlie. She had been gaining the weight she had lost from her stress and anxiety after her rape and then her suicide attempt.

  She held open the gate to the backyard. “I’m less than eight pounds from my goal weight. And speaking of losing weight, you need to stop. You’re wasting away.” She patted my stomach with the back of her hand.

  Because she kept her hand there, I placed mine on hers. When she didn’t pull away, I squeezed her hand. “My appetite isn’t what it used to be these past months. But for you, I’ll slather the butter on my bagel and may even eat two.”

  “Don’t waste away like I almost did. I’ll never forgive you if you do.” She poked me in the stomach and entered the backyard.

  It was obvious when she said waste away, she didn’t mean substances, as in food. I might have a hard time coming to grips with the shooting, but I wasn’t in such bad shape that I would end my suffering in a way that would end me permanently.

  I ATE half a bagel with jelly. Charlie ate a whole one with butter, which wasn’t usual for her because she was as much of a picky eater as I had become. But I’d like to think the good company was responsible for her appetite. She didn’t eat like she was forced to and actually enjoyed her breakfast. I tried my best but ended up drinking three cups of herbal ginger tea that filled my stomach.

  My backyard was bare compared to the Dryden’s, other than the pool. Charlie’s uncle and aunt loved to garden and landscape, based on the abundance of flowers and bushes. They had a nice deck to enjoy the view. Charlie and I sat next to each other so we could both look out at the foliage, which made me feel like we were in our own world, cut off from everyone else.

  She sprawled in her chair, not caring her legs were splayed and her stomach stuck out. Her hair was messy and her bangs flopped over her eyes. It was the longest it had ever been in part because of Arielle. Before she moved to Albee, she cut off six inches of her strawberry blond hair as some sort of punishment against herself because of her rape.

  “I could sit here all day.” I finished my third cup of tea.

  “You’re not having a pool party for your birthday? You did last year.” She closed her eyes.

  “Dad made the appointment too late to clean and open the pool. Maybe next weekend.” I wouldn’t end up inviting anyone. Pretending to have fun and enjoying the summer with friends wasn’t high on my list of things to do.

  She opened one eye at me and snorted. “Based on your tone, I’m not going to count on an invite, although me and Jo might just show up unannounced.”

  “If Jo ever gets out of bed. She’s been working a lot of late nights at the bowling alley.” When Jo started her freshman year at Maison, she got a job as a server at the lounge at Rolling Pin Lanes. The majority of the time she worked past midnight. I wondered if she could keep up her studies. She could be flighty at times, but she was dedicated to school and ended up with near a 3.5 grade point average to close out freshman year.

  “A few students from her classes work at the alley. They all support one another so they won’t get overwhelmed or fail out,” Charlie said more impressed than with admiration. Even though she and Jo were related by blood, they were very good friends. But Charlie hung out with more older classmates because of Arielle, who just finished up her fifth year in order to get her master’s. She was taking the summer to figure out her next step, which would involve Charlie in some way.

  “You and Jo should be proud you finished your freshman year, unlike me.”

  She sat up straighter and opened both eyes. “You have a good excuse for not finishing.”

  “Just like you have a good excuse for staying back your senior year in high school,” I pointed out. She had needed the time to recover from her unspeakable trauma, even if it meant losing a year of her life. What worked for her didn’t work for me. I couldn’t afford to take off too much time from life because of my plans for the future. I had a path to take and not even facing death would stop me. I had to get my shit together, or I would drown under the wave of bleak despair that had threatened me since February.

  “Exactly.” She placed her hand on my arm. “There’s no deadline for when you’ll feel normal again. I’m surprised you’re not in some dark room, unable to move. It took me more than six months to leave my house, and here you are after witnessing your friends being gunned down by someone you thought was your friend and who almost killed you.”

  “I guess I’m doing okay. I’m not in therapy or anything like that.” I hated bringing it up, but she hadn’t been a fan of therapy either at first. It took those who loved her, such as her aunt Eloise and Arielle, to move her in that direction.

  “I can’t say if you should do therapy or not because I waited more than a year to see someone.” She moved her hand down and grasped mine. “But it’s helped me. The rape support group I go to on Sunday nights has also.”

  “I don’t think a support group will help me. Finding a ‘survivors of a mass shooting’ group near Albee is harder than you think.” I had searched for that type of group, but the closest one was near DC. The thought of returning to that area made me ill. It also pissed me off because if I didn’t go to school close to DC, my shot at working in government might pass me by. If I missed my chance because of fear of some sort of PTSD, I would be in a much darker place than I already was because my dreams would be ruined.

  “Hard is the key word here.” She squeezed my hand and then lowered it.

  I wanted to reach out and keep hers in mine, but instead I rested my hands on my upper thighs. “Life is hard.”

  “Yes, it is, but it’s much harder for a rape survivor and a victim of a mass shooting.” She tore off a piece of my half-eaten bagel and tossed it on the grass for a sparrow to pluck at.

  “There’s more to us than just being victims.” I didn’t want her pity like she didn’t need mine.

  She smiled just enough to light up her face, which she did mainly when she was with Arielle. It would be nice to believe she had a special smile just for me, but her affection for me didn’t come close to what she felt for her girlfriend. I wish I could find someone like Arielle who would help me find the will to live like I once had.

  “If I tell you something, can you promise you won’t get angry at me?”

  Angry at Charlie? There was next to nothing that would make me angry at her, unless she thought Jordan and the other eleven who died were responsible for their own deaths. But she would never think such a thing, so we were good.

  “Since my emotions aren’t all there, I don’t think I can find the energy to be angry at you.”

  She tossed more of my bagel at the lucky brown sparrow, who ate its fill. She also kept her gaze averted, which did make me a little nervous.

  “I’m going to visit my dad in Vancouver for a few weeks, probably around the Fourth of July. Arielle’s coming with me also.” She curled her fingers around the bagel. “I don’t want you to think I’m deserting you.”

  “Why would you think that? You have plans with your dad.” It would be great for her to be near for support because she was one of the few people who understood what I was going through. But she had to do what was best for her. I couldn’t fault her for that.

  “The plans were made because of the shooting.” She turned to me then, pain etched on her face. “When my dad found out what happened to you, he wanted me to stay with him for a few weeks. He thought I wouldn’t be able to handle it and might have a setback or some sort of negative response to your trauma.”

  Maybe eating half a bagel wasn’t a good idea. My stomach gurgled. Since she was upset now, I would keep my stomach issue to myself. “He must realize I have a steady head on my shoulders after hearing my amazing valedictorian speech and then meeting me at graduation. So what if I saw people get shot and killed, and was shot myself? I’m taking it pretty well considering, unless m
e being around you is making you—”

  “Stop!” She curled her fingers in her hair and pulled. “It would be so selfish of me to have another emotional breakdown because you experienced something so horrible no one else ever should.”

  I grabbed her hands and linked our fingers together. I would have cupped her head, but I didn’t want to startle her or make her move away to keep some distance between us. “What you went through can’t be compared to what happened to me, and vice versa. You own your reaction to events, just like I own mine. Your dad wants to protect you. I can’t be angry at him for protecting you now when he couldn’t stop the horrors you experienced a year ago. It’s what parents do.”

  “And what about your parents, Marshall?” She clasped my hands tight, her unflinching gaze on mine.

  Her dad was slow to act after her attack and the damaging actions she took upon herself to end her pain. But he learned, just like she eventually embraced her recovery. He tried to make up for lost time, which was hard because he was hundreds of miles away from his daughter. I had some opinions on his separation, but who was I to judge? My father was trying his best to help me, but I had a mother I couldn’t stand who wanted me to recover, but only for her best interests.

  “My parents are there if I need them. They’re trying to help, but there’s no rule book on how to help their child recover from a school shooting.”

  She released a combination sob-laugh, and with one last squeeze to my hands, released them. “I really didn’t plan to talk about such depressing things. I hate how I always come back to my issues with you.”

  “The same goes for me now.” I shrugged, not as concerned as she was. It helped a little to talk with someone who could empathize with what I was feeling.

  I would have been fine to sit in silence with Charlie, but the back door opened.

  “Happy birthday, Marshall!” Jo announced in her sleep-scratchy but peppy voice, which made my chest loosen.

  She looped her arms around me from behind. I wrapped my arms around hers and let her drop kisses on my cheek. Her curls, as bright as her personality, brushed my nose and mouth, leaving behind the scent of her amber-scented mousse.

  “It’s a nice morning to sit outside and eat breakfast.” She dropped an envelope on the table in front of me and then yawned. “No coffee?”

  “Just tea in honor of the birthday boy’s special day.” Charlie tucked her hair behind her ears and then lifted her mug. “You’re up early. I expected you to sleep until noon.”

  “Ha-ha but no. I set my alarm because of the fair today.” Jo plopped down across from me and studied the table and leftover bagels. “Hmmm, you left a cinnamon raisin bagel for me.” She snatched it and the tub of cream cheese.

  I waved the square envelope covered in glitter. “My birthday gift?”

  She bit her bagel and chewed. “It’s not your typical gift card to some clothing store or a gift certificate to a restaurant you’ll end up taking me to. I put a lot of thought into it.”

  “I always expect gift cards or money for my birthday.” I opened the envelope and took out two tickets to a documentary on the environment and talk with the director and producer I had wanted to see it when it was announced at the beginning of this year.

  “Whoa, this is great.” I showed Charlie, who grabbed the brochure for the event Jo had stuck inside. “Jo-Jo, you’ll be my guest, of course.”

  “I bought the tickets as soon as you told me about it.” She set down her bagel and wiped her fingers with a napkin. “It was before, ah February, so if you don’t want to go—”

  “I’ll go,” I said too loudly, trying to show I was strong enough to go to a public event, even if it was at an auditorium.

  “If Marshall is okay going with us to the fair, surrounded by hundreds of people, he can sit in a sold-out theater and watch a documentary and listen to people speak onstage.” Charlie covered the side of her mouth with her hand and lowered her voice. “You better hope Jo doesn’t fall asleep and end up snoring during the talk.”

  “Hey!” She threw her napkin at Charlie, which Charlie blocked. Jo let out a giggle-snort, and Charlie laughed in response.

  I smiled at the two girls, grateful they were here to help me chase away the darkness that held me in its unrelenting grip.

  “SEE, ISN’T it better to sit on the grass under the tree?” Jo nudged me in the side and then rested her cheek on my shoulder. She recommended we sit on the front lawn of the middle school, where the parade would go by. The lawn was higher up and surrounded by trees, which gave us good cover from the sun.

  “Better than standing under the hot sun with the crowds.” I really didn’t want to watch the parade, mainly because of all the people there, but I relented because of Jo. When she plopped on the grass, I did the same, for once not bothered by the idea the grass might stain my pants.

  Jo and Charlie wore shorts, but Jo’s were shorter and tighter, while Charlie’s were on the baggy side. Jo wore a tank that made her boobs look bigger than they were. I was the odd man out in my yellow polo shirt and khakis. As I wiped away sweat sliding down the side of my face, I started to second-guess what I wore today. Maybe I should have gone more casual like the girls. But then again maybe it was a subconscious move on my part because if I became too overheated, I would go home.

  This time Charlie prodded me in the side. “What’s with the frown?” she asked under her breath. I guess she didn’t want Jo to overhear.

  “Before you say I told you so, I’m too overdressed. The heat never bothered me before, but lately it has.” I lifted my arm up enough to show her the growing sweat stain under my armpit.

  “Stress not only can do a number on you emotionally, but physically also. My normally thick hair became thinner and my palms are always moist.” She pressed her palm on my wrist to prove her point.

  “The only time I’m underdressed is when I swim.”

  “Did you say you want to get naked?” Jo inserted.

  Charlie and me looked at each other and laughed.

  Charlie leaned over me to Jo. “You need your hearing checked?”

  Jo suddenly jumped to her feet and waved. “Look, Marshall. It’s your dad and Ms. Barnet in a sweet vintage pink Corvette.”

  Dad and Ms. Barnet sat up high in the back seat of a pink ’60s Corvette with a banner across the side that had Albee and the year it was founded in gold script in the middle of an outline of Pennsylvania. It would celebrate its hundred and fiftieth anniversary next year.

  “Hmmm, who’s the hunky guy driving?” Jo stepped forward to get a better look.

  The hunky guy was Dad’s assistant, who was a good ten years older than me and was making a name for himself because he was so charming. He planned to follow in Dad’s footsteps, which would be great, because if he did rise up in the local government, he had a good shot at being Albee’s first black mayor.

  “Never knew Jo was into black guys.” I didn’t join her or call out to Dad as he waved at the people lining the streets.

  Charlie leaned back on her hands. “When it comes to boys, she’s an equal-opportunity luster. And speaking of lusting, here comes Theo.”

  A current pop song blared from the speaker of a silver float flashing rainbow lights. The popular DJs from the station, wearing WAAB-FM T-shirts, danced and threw candy to the kids. Theo stood behind a makeshift DJ booth, playing the music. He kept his attention on the sound system instead of acknowledging the crowd. Jo yelled his name loud enough for him to hear, but he didn’t look up.

  “Theo might have a job offer at one of the radio stations in New York City,” Charlie announced.

  “What? Where did you hear that?” Theo moving to New York? “He didn’t say anything to me.” I wasn’t sure if I should be hurt or not because I wasn’t in the loop about his plans.

  “Arielle told me. He had a Skype interview last week with the general manager of the station. It’s one of the big ones in Manhattan. He’d help with the morning show.” She took her cell o
ut of her pocket. “I can text Arielle to confirm.”

  “Don’t. I can always ask him.” Theo had a lot going on for him here in Albee, especially since he was a rising star in the community. If he left now for a big city like New York, he would have to start over, essentially.

  “He’s hosting the concert in the park later. We can stop by, and you can ask him then.” She shook her head when Jo hurried down to the sidewalk to try to grab a T-shirt the station was throwing to the crowd.

  “He’s really close with his mom. I’m surprised he would leave her and move to another state.”

  “Really? Maybe he thought the same when you went away to college.” Charlie stood.

  She gave me her hand to help me rise. “My mom wouldn’t give two shits what I did as long as I made her look good.”

  “I meant your dad. But that had always been the plan for you to go to college in DC and then move there.” She still kept my hand. “Has that changed now because of the shooting?”

  I untangled my fingers from hers and shifted away for more space. Charlie stayed in her spot and respected my need for some distance. “I don’t think I’m returning to NCU.”

  Jo bounced back up to us with a T-shirt hanging around her shoulders. “That was fun. I always enjoy a good parade.”

  “I never knew you had a parade fetish.” I tugged on one of her bright curls.

  “You should see her on Thanksgiving. She gets all hot and bothered for the Macy’s parade.” Charlie fanned herself dramatically.

  Jo whipped her T-shirt at her cousin. “Oh, please. You watched the entire thing from beginning to end last year.”

  Charlie shrugged but sent her a smile.

  Jo suddenly turned to the street and lifted up on her toes. “I sense… cookies.”

  Charlie and me looked at each other in confusion. “Cookies?”

  “Yeah.” Jo bounced in her flip-flops. “The local Girl Scout troop set up a booth next to the YMCA’s, and they’re selling boxes of cookies. Let’s go check it out. They might have free samples.”