Wanted - Dead or Alive: A Bad Boy Outlaw Romance

by Alpha, Alyssa

  My heart twists and turns in painful knots, sinking down into the pit of my stomach. All of the loneliness I’ve felt over the past few years comes crashing down around me; all of the long, painful nights fill me up once more. I’m nothing, no one. It’s as if I’m not even here anymore. My once bright future is now like an endless, black expanse of sea, agonizingly stretching out in front of me. I’m floating around with no anchor to hold me in place.

  “Oh, fuck,” I say once more.

  I need to stop watching this scene unfolding in front of me. I need to get somewhere private so I can fall apart in peace. If I remain out here, I might just collapse to the ground and never get up.

  Yet, somehow I can’t move. For some reason, my eyes remain firmly fixed on them and only them. It’s as if the entire world has shrunk to what I can see in front of me.

  I just…I have no idea what to do now. I had it all planned out, and now I’m left with nothing. Willa was my future. She’s the person that I’ve been doing all of this for. What’s left for me now?

  “Mommy!”

  A young girl’s voice calls out, somehow catching my attention.

  “Look what I have!”

  I’m stunned to see the child race over to Willa, who lifts her up and swings her round in her arms.

  I gasp heavily as I watch them talking quietly to each other. This is worse than I could have ever imagined. The expanse of sea that I’m in starts to drag me under, drowning me. I feel like I’m frantically kicking my legs, thrashing about, trying to escape, but the water wants me dead. It wants to kill me.

  Mommy?

  That girl called Willa mommy, which means that not only has she moved on, she has a child; a family of her own. She and Adam have this whole life together. A relationship, a daughter, probably even a marriage.

  And I’m not a part of any of it.

  Now the couple of nights that we spent together seem unbearably insignificant. She probably doesn’t even think about me anymore. She probably barely remembers who I am.

  I’ve been a pathetic fool. Why would someone like her have ever wanted me? Even if I’d stayed, she would have eventually wised up and left me. She was always much too good for me. Even now, after all of the changes I’ve made, I’m still not.

  Why didn’t Adam tell me?

  I suppose he didn’t owe me an explanation. We’ve never been friends. There’s certainly no bro code between us. Plus, I never expressed my feelings for Willa to him, so maybe he thought she didn’t really mean anything to me. Or more likely he didn’t want me to lose my shit while I was working for him. If that’s the case, then he’s done well. Now I’ve found out of my own accord and it doesn’t affect our agreement one bit.

  “Fucker,” I bite out, my heart racing with the injustice of it all. He took me away from her so he could claim her for his own. All the bullshit he gave me about her innocence and wanting to keep her out of it—it was all lies. “You fucking prick.”

  Luckily I’m still not talking loudly enough for any of them to hear. If Adam were to say anything to me now, I might just snap and hit him. But I can’t do that, I’ve worked too damn hard to become a better person, and even though my sole reason for doing that has vanished, I still want to keep it up.

  I just need to get away. I need to lock myself away from the world while I recover and develop a new life plan. There has to be something else out there for me…surely.

  Come on, Dex. Move. Leave, go now before they see you! Even though I know that reunion would be awful, and I’d do absolutely anything to avoid it, my legs remain frozen. My body won’t obey any of my brain’s commands, and it’s driving me insane.

  After a few moments, Willa, Adam and the child make things easier for me by turning around and walking off. This should be the end of it, except for the fact that my body has taken on a life of its own, and it’s made the extremely unwise, irrational decision that it wants to follow them.

  Why am I torturing myself? I already know enough, I don’t need details. I don’t need to know about their happy lives together; there’s no way that’s going to make me feel any better.

  Although I can’t imagine it’s possible to feel any shittier than I do right now.

  As we all walk, I watch them interacting with each other. I’m too far away to hear any of the things they’re talking about, but it’s clear from their body language that they’re relaxed and happy together. Willa is herself in Adam’s company, and that’s enough to convince me that he must be good for her. He must give her everything that she needs. I have to be happy about that, surely?

  Do I love Willa enough to let her go? Even if I didn’t, it doesn’t look like I have any choice.

  Deep down, Adam is a good guy. Just because I don’t like him doesn’t make him a bad person. He did help us out of that sticky situation when he didn’t have to. He might not be who I would pick out for Willa, but she’s smart enough to make her own decisions. If she can’t be with me, then I guess I should at least be content in the knowledge that she’s with someone who clearly adores her and can take care of her.

  I try to make myself feel happy about that, but I don’t. That’s gonna take some time.

  Rather than heading to their marital home, like I was expecting, they end up at the zoo. A nice, family daytrip.

  “Okay,” I say to myself. “Time to go home.”

  Except I don’t. I go in too.

  What the fuck are you up to, Dexter?

  “One ticket, please,” I say to the receptionist gruffly, trying to keep my embarrassment to myself. I have no idea what I’m doing, and I’m sure that I look like a crazy fool.

  Luckily, she completely takes my weirdness in her stride. “Would you like a map of the zoo grounds?” she asks.

  She grins at me with a twinkle in her eye. I wonder if she’s hitting on me, but I also realize that I don’t care. I haven’t cared about another woman flirting with me for a very long time.

  “No, no thanks.” I just want to get inside as quickly as possible, to see what I can discover. This is all just time-wasting.

  “Okay, have a nice day,” she drawls after me, but I’m already halfway out the door.

  I walk around the grounds slightly aimlessly, wondering what the fuck I’m doing. At first, I raced outside, but I quickly realized that this was drawing too much attention to myself. I need to act naturally if I’m going to blend in.

  Even though I’m trying to act like everybody else, I’m completely ignoring the animals. I haven’t looked at any of them, because they aren’t what I’m here to see.

  I pass the lions, the elephants, the giraffes; even the bears can’t get my attention. Each step just makes me feel emptier, more alone. Surrounded by all of these families, knowing that Willa is one of them, it just shatters my heart into a million pieces.

  Just as I’m about to come to my senses, and give up, I see her. Not Willa, but the child. She’s standing alone by the monkeys, laughing happily as they play. I watch her, mesmerized for a few seconds before I find myself walking over to her. I don’t even mentally question my actions. I already know that it’s a bad idea, but I go ahead with it anyway.

  “Cute, aren’t they?” I ask her, internally cringing. What am I doing now? This is madness.

  “Yes,” she replies, smiling up at me. “Did you know that a group of monkeys is called a tribe?”

  This takes me aback. How the hell does she know that? Has she already learned that in school? I wouldn’t know, I never paid any attention. She’s actually pretty damn smart for a young kid.

  “No, I didn’t know that,” I say in a genuine tone.

  “Mm-hmm, and not all monkeys eat bananas. Some like nuts.” She’s so pleased with herself that I can’t help but melt a little inside.

  “You don’t say.”

  She looks so much like Willa, it’s unbelievable. She has the same blonde hair, the same face shape and exactly the same attitude. The only thing that’s different is her eyes; she has dark, cho
colaty eyes which only add to her beauty.

  She’s so pretty and clever. Willa and Adam are very lucky to have her.

  “Where are your Mommy and Daddy?” I ask, wanting to get away before they come back, but the girl doesn’t get a chance to answer me.

  A voice gasps from behind me. “Dexter?”

  I look down at my feet for a few seconds, trying to compose myself before I set my eyes upon her. This will be the first time we’ve spoken in a very long time and I need to keep it together.

  “Hello Willa,” I reply, turning to face her.

  Thirty-One

  Willa

  I think my body has gone into shock. It’s really him. It’s really Dexter standing in front of me. I don’t even feel like I’m here right now, and this is nothing like the mirage from before. This is real. I could reach out and touch him if I wanted to.

  “Oh my…” I slap my hand over my mouth as our eyes connect.

  The way that he looks at me sends shivers racing right through me. My emotions fly about everywhere, as do random thoughts in my mind. I just can’t believe that this is really happening. I want to hug him, to hold him in my arms to know that he’s real for sure, but for some reason that action feels inappropriate. Something is holding me back.

  “Dexter,” I gasp again. “How are you? Where have you been? What…”

  Tears start to trickle down my cheek. I can’t even finish my sentence.

  Despite my blatant show of emotion, Dexter’s expression remains completely stoic. “I’m good. How are you? Life going well for you?”

  “Um…” His sarcastic tone throws me off a little. “Yeah…yeah I guess so. How about you?”

  “Can’t complain.” His tone is cold, his body language distant.

  I try to reel myself in a little. I don’t want to get overly emotional in front of a man who clearly still doesn’t want me.

  I turn to a bland, safe topic. “What are you doing here?”

  “It’s a zoo. I can be here, can’t I?”

  Why is he being so weird?

  “Are you enjoying your family outing?” He continues, beginning to sound nasty. “Where is Adam, anyway?”

  “He got called away on business.”

  Suddenly it hits me. Family. He thinks that I’m with Adam now. That we’re a couple. He has no idea that I’ve spent all of these last few years pining after him.

  “It isn’t like that…”

  “I’m sure.” He jumps in, completely cutting me off.

  “Mommy?” Ellie Rose draws us out from our bizarre standoff. “I was just telling this man about the monkeys.”

  “Were you, sweetie?” Oh God, she’s already met her father before I’ve had the chance to introduce them properly. This is just too damn much.

  “Yes, and he thinks that Adam is my Daddy.”

  What? How the hell do I smooth this one over?

  “But he isn’t.” She turns back to Dexter. “My Daddy is a brave man who had to go away to protect his family. Even though I haven’t met my Daddy, I still love him. Mommy said that everything he does is for me.”

  She muses for a second. “His name is Dexter too, isn’t it, Mommy?”

  Dexter’s eyes snap towards me as if he’s asking is it true? I nod, the tears really pouring down my face now. I never planned to tell him in this way, but it’s too late, the truth is out there now.

  I watch him grip his chest tightly, as if he doesn’t even know what to think about all of this. But he looks happy—over the moon, actually.

  I let out a sigh of relief. He could have turned and fled at this revelation. Becoming a father is a massive responsibility, after all.

  “Are you my Daddy, Dexter?” Ellie Rose asks, clearly more perceptive than I’ve ever given her credit for.

  “Y…yes.” He grins, wrapping her into a massive hug as she reaches out to him. “Yes, I’m your Daddy.”

  Father and daughter, in each other’s arms—a sight I never thought I’d get to see. My heart constricts and flutters with it all. I try to keep it all in, but there are too many feelings. Some of them are spilling out, and I can’t control it.

  “…and I’ll never leave you again, sweetheart…” I hear him mumbling into her ear.

  Does that mean…? No, I can’t get carried away yet again. I’ll only end up heartbroken once more. He might just mean that he wants to remain a constant figure in her life. It may have nothing to do with me.

  “Let me just speak to your Mommy a minute,” Dex finally says, setting her down. “You go and have another look at those monkeys.”

  She rushes off as he rises to his feet, gazing into my eyes the entire time. They’re wet with tears, which sends my emotions wild. “I didn’t know. I never would’ve…”

  “I know,” I reply. I don’t want him to blame himself. There was no way that he could have known.

  “I’m just…I’m so sorry Willa. I never wanted to leave you. I can’t believe how much I’ve missed out on…”

  I nod, my lips in a thin line so I don’t scream with sobs.

  “I had to go, to keep you all safe,” he continues.

  “I know,” I finally blurt out, relieved that this was the reason. “I think a part of me always knew. I just figured that I should harden myself by convincing myself that you’d left me. Stupid really.”

  I giggle pointlessly.

  “No, I get it.” Dexter nods seriously, as if he really does.

  We stare at each other, smiling and crying all at once, like a pair of crazy teenagers in love. Are we still in love? Is that still a possibility?

  “Do you want to come back to my apartment?” I finally ask, finding the zoo too constricting now. “We can have a proper catch-up there. There’s so much we both have to tell each other.”

  Dexter nods thoughtfully. “I do. I also want to see your sister. I feel like I owe your whole family an explanation.”

  I bite down on my lip, smiling at that thought. “Yeah, you’re gonna get one hell of an ass-kicking from her! Actually, it might be best to go now while she’s too pregnant to fight you. Gives you a fair chance.”

  “I’d like that.” Dexter grins. “I’m gonna tell you everything, Willa, I don’t want you to not know anything about me anymore. No more secrets. I’ve had some skeletons in my closet, but I’m starting to deal with them now, I’m starting to become a proper, well rounded person…one that might, one day be good enough for you.”

  Is that what he thinks? That he isn’t good enough for me?

  “That sounds wonderful, but before we do any of that, can I finally give you a hug?”

  He wraps me up in his arms and squeezes me tight like he never wants to let me go again. Then, I don’t know who makes the first move, but soon we’re kissing each other as if we’ll never be able to be apart again.

  * * *

  “What I don’t understand is why you didn’t just tell me!” I say, louder than I intended to.

  Dex has been trying to explain everything to me in a way that I’ll understand, but it’s hard. He told me that he was a bad guy back at home, that he beat people up for a living, and one day he went too far because he discovered some child pornography at the home of one of his boss’ clients. That’s when the murder that he did commit occurred.

  I gripped his hand tightly as he told me that. It was clearly extremely difficult for him, but he knew that getting it off his chest would bring us closer together…and I really think it has already. I understand him more, I get where his life has been, and I know why he’s turned out the way that he has.

  Unfortunately, that was actually the easy part of the conversation. This is the challenging bit. We’re discussing why he left when he did, and why he couldn’t just tell me what he was doing.

  “It was Adam’s rule,” Dexter snaps back, tugging on the ends of his hair, clearly frustrated with me.

  “Fuck Adam, you could have just told me. I wouldn’t have told anyone. I would have acted like I didn’t know.”

&n
bsp; We’re both highly strung, really emotional, and trying to work through all of our crap. In the deepest part of my psyche, I’d always imagined that if we were to have a reunion, it would be wonderful, romantic and picture-perfect.

  But this is real life, and things don’t always work like that.

  Luckily, Ellie Rose is playing in her bedroom, so we can have this fight in peace. I’d hate for her to see all of this, especially when she’s only just gotten her father back. However necessary this is, there’s no way to explain it to a child.

  “Willa, I didn’t want to put you in danger. I also didn’t want to worry you. This wasn’t easy for me either.”

  “At least I didn’t abandon you. At least you knew that I loved you. At least you knew where I was!” I’m yelling now and throwing my hands in the air. I don’t want to be this way, but I can’t help it.

  “You don’t think it sucked for me, being so near to you, but unable to even see you? It was horrendous. I almost took my life down a really shitty path again, but I didn’t want to. I wanted to make things better for you, for the both of us.”

  “That meant you couldn’t even leave a note? I was broken without you. You tore my heart to shreds!”

  I know that going over the past might not be helpful at this particular moment, but I also know that it’ll all just fester if we don’t get it out in the open.

  Some of these things just need to be said.

  “Why the hell are we fighting about this, Willa?” he begs, moving nearer to me and placing his palms on my waist.

  “Because we have to! Because if we don’t get it out now, it’ll just come back to haunt us.” I pout, feeling moody and a little silly, but still carrying on. “I cannot tell you how hard the last few years have been, Dex. There were so many times that I needed you, that I would have given anything to just see you, or even know that you were alive.”

  He dips his head closer to me, resting his forehead on mine. I refuse to make eye contact because I need to say these next humiliating words out loud, and if he’s looking right at me, then I might not be able to get through it.