Fake It

by Mia Ford

“Louise, I have to ask you something.” Julia grabs my head and pulls it up to make me look at her. “Do you think that maybe you might be in love with Oliver? It’s starting to sound like you do.”

  Love? No, that can’t be it. I shake my head rapidly, needing to kibosh that idea. “No, I definitely don’t love Oliver, this isn’t that at all. I know I’ve had a crush on him but this isn’t about that. I thought he was a nice person but he isn’t. He hasn’t acted like my friend at all. I’m just shocked, that’s all.”

  Julia sighs and she wraps her arms around me. “Okay, if you say so. I’m going to believe your words, but just know that if you do realize that you’re in love with him I’m always here for you.”

  I don’t like the way her words make me feel, mostly because she’s being accurate with her assumption. I do think that somewhere along the way my feelings transferred from just a simple crush to something dangerously close to love. I just didn’t realize that I was in it alone. I thought we were sharing meaningful looks, I assumed that our sweet friendship was special to both of us. The main reason that I’ve been able to do this so far is because he’s been so supportive of me. He told me that he would be there for me no matter what, but he isn’t going to be. He’s already gone.

  I really am going to do this alone. Shit, that’s utterly terrifying. I’ll be all by myself, forever.

  “Come on, Lou, let’s get the fuck out of here.” Julia stands and she holds out her hand to me. “Being at work isn’t helpful. Let’s get you home where we can talk about this more.”

  Nope, I can’t hack it, even the thought of talking is sickening. “I don’t want to talk about it anymore,” I tell her seriously. “I just want to watch crap TV and eat all the food in my apartment. I don’t want to feel like hell over Oliver anymore. Or anyone for that matter.”

  “Whatever you want.” Julia’s tone is soft and sweet. “Let’s just get you out of here.”

  ***

  Sleeping isn’t working. Ever since I found out that I was pregnant I’ve been exhausted. Sleeping hasn’t been an issue for me at all, but tonight I just can’t do it. Every time I close my eyes I’m filled with a horrifying vision of Oliver and his glamorous girlfriend. To be perfectly honest I can’t really remember what she looks like so my brain is concocting up images that are too much to bear.

  I turn onto my front, groaning loudly as a hot pain radiates through my chest. This is agony, it’s horrible, he should have told me. Maybe he didn’t say anything because he assumed that I knew, but I really wish that he had. I wish he hadn’t brought me into his cheating, I wish he wasn’t so nice to me, I wish he didn’t make me feel like he cares when he doesn’t. I wish so many different things… I wish we could just damn well be together, that’s what I really wish. I want to have met Oliver in different circumstances where I could be the one kissing him freely. If we didn’t work together then none of this would have happened. I wouldn’t be pregnant with the vanishing man who still no one can find, not that I’ve tried very hard, I wouldn’t be killing myself over him, maybe I’d actually be happy. Or maybe I wouldn’t have noticed him at all, and I could be blissfully living as I was before. I could still be focused on my studies, not caring about any of this real life stuff.

  Damn it, maybe I do love him, maybe Julia is right.

  But no, it isn’t me with Oliver, it’s someone else. Someone more beautiful, more age appropriate, more sophisticated… someone the opposite to me. Someone who deserves him more than I do. I can never be his now, not when my life is such a mess. It’s never going to happen. I’ve always known that, but now I really know that. It hits me hard in the face and also in the gut.

  I bolt upright in my bed and give up on trying to sleep because it simply isn’t working. Instead I heave myself out so I can slump back on the couch and flick the TV back on. Julia only just left, I’ve only just forced myself off that couch but it’s pointless being anywhere else. At least when I’m watching shitty shows I can barely think of Oliver and his beautiful girlfriend. I don’t remember the moment of them kissing, and hugging, and getting into the car together, probably to go to the same bar that he took me. Maybe that’s what Oliver likes, maybe he enjoys taboo relationships and he gets off on taking his affairs to the same place as his girlfriend. Maybe that’s just what he does…

  I suppose there’s only one good thing that can come with this, if Oliver is being more open and honest about his girlfriend then people won’t be gossiping about us. They won’t be so inclined to think that my baby is his when the news gets out. Every cloud has a silver lining… I think.

  Chapter Seventeen – Oliver

  I haven’t felt good all night long. Ever since Rita left my apartment with a million barely answered questions still spinning through her head, I’ve felt like crap. So much so that I haven’t slept at all. Not only have I made things very weird with Rita, I don’t think she’ll be coming around here for some spur of the moment any time soon, I’ve also hurt Louise. Even if she didn’t see me and Rita together, she will have heard about it, there’s no getting away from it, and I hate the way that I’ve made her feel. She must hate me right now, I dread to even think about her reaction.

  I should have just told her my plan, I think as I sit in the canteen anxiously waiting for her to arrive, if she does turn up. Why didn’t I just tell her? Why didn’t I warn her that it was all just a cover up?

  “Hey, that was some hot piece of ass meeting you from work last night,” Simon says while he claps me on the back. “I didn’t know you were seeing someone at the moment. I thought…”

  I flick my eyes up at him. “What did you think?” I demand, maybe a little too coldly since Simon certainly isn’t attacking me or anything. “I don’t always tell you everything, you know.”

  “Woah, okay.” He laughs and holds up his hands in mock surrender. “I’m not digging you out, I just want to catch up to see what’s going on with you. I’ve heard that you were hooking up with the cute little red head you’re working with, and since you turned me away from her when I asked…”

  “I’m not,” I jump in quickly, unable to stand this conversation for even a moment longer. It’s too much right now. “I’m seeing Rita, as you can now tell, so yeah… nothing to tell but that really.”

  “Well there is.” It seems Simon isn’t done, which is utterly frustrating. “Because you’re seeing someone. I don’t think I’ve ever known you to class yourself as ‘seeing someone’ before. It’s weird.”

  “I… I…” Shit, I didn’t think about that when I concocted this madness. I should have guessed that Simon would be the one to question me. “I’m growing up, aren’t I? That’s all. I’m getting older now I had my birthday really recently, and I think it might be time to start changing.”

  “What are you on about?” He chuckles loudly and bemusedly. “You just told your mom the other day that you don’t want any of that crap. And you’ve never told me any different either.”

  I push my chair backwards, scraping it along the floor and I stand up, ready to bolt at a moment’s notice. “Yeah well like I said, I don’t tell you everything. Maybe I really am just changing.”

  “Yeah,” Simon rolls his eyes dramatically. Clearly this isn’t a conversation he likes. While I don’t want to push him away, I just don’t want to talk about it and I need him to get that. I’m not worried about our friendship, I know we’ll get through it, I just need a break right now. I hope he understands that. “Tell me about it. You definitely aren’t acting like yourself at the moment. When you’re ready to talk about it with me, just let me know, okay. As always, I’ll be here waiting.”

  “Yes, thank you, Simon. I will.” I don’t say anymore because I know that I don’t need to finish that thought. He gets it, I think. At least he doesn’t seem pissed off at me which I’m going to take as a win for now. We’ll sort it out at some point, first I need to work out where my head is at.

  As I get into my office, I rest my aching head on my desk and won
der what life would be like had I met Louise in different circumstances. Maybe if I’d just seen her in a bar or something much more normal. Sure, at first I’m sure I would have only chased her for her looks. I would have only been interested in sex, like I always am, but after talking to her a little I probably would have liked her. I might’ve wanted more. Maybe I would be doing what I just told Simon I am, and I’d be changing and growing up. I wouldn’t be good enough for her, but maybe I’d change. I’d be better, more romantic, I’d take her out on dates to woo her.

  In this scenario, she wouldn’t be having another man’s baby and we could actually be together.

  I haven’t ever wanted to be with anyone before, the thought of commitment, of settling down with one woman when there are still hundreds of thousands out there to sleep with kills me. I honestly didn’t ever think I’d end up in a position where it was possible. It’s utterly shocking to me that I’ve ended up in a position where the idea is actually in my mind. Where I want to make it happen. Who am I? What the hell has happened to me? Simon is right, I have changed, and Rita is right too, I’m acting like a crazy person. I don’t know how to pull myself out of this insane hole.

  “Hey.” Oh God, now Louise is here and I have to face her. I can already tell from her cold tone that she knows everything about me and Rita last night. Well, not everything. Only the parts that I wanted my work colleagues to see. The façade covering up the truth. “How’s it going?”

  “Erm, yeah it’s okay.” How am I going to broach this subject? Somehow, I need to find a way. I need to scope her mood out first, to see how well my idiocy is going to be received. She already doesn’t look too impressed with me, understandably so. “How are things with you?”

  “Oh you know, not too bad.” Her cheeks are stained with pink, it makes me feel horrible. This is all my fault, I hate myself. “So, do we have a lot of patients today? What’s the schedule?”

  “Do you not think that we have some things to talk about?” I cock my head curiously as I ask her this. “I don’t want things to get really weird between us. I’d rather just discuss it.”

  Louise can’t meet my eyes, she’s looking at the wall as if there’s something fascinating written there which we both know there isn’t. “No, I don’t think there’s anything to talk about, is there? What can we say about this? You have a girlfriend. It isn’t like that’s something you need to tell me.”

  “No, no.” I almost laugh at the assumption, the plan worked far too well, I almost can’t believe it. It just worked on the wrong person. “I don’t have a girlfriend, it isn’t like that at all.”

  “Okay, not a girlfriend.” It seems that Louise really doesn’t want to hear me out. “Someone you’re dating or whatever. I don’t know how you want to describe it. It’s fine, it doesn’t matter.”

  “It does matter, I don’t have a girlfriend. It was all just a part of a plan…”

  “I have to go.” I don’t think she’s even listening to me. “I’m just going to see Julia quickly before work. She has some vitamins for me and I need to get them before I get started.”

  She swishes from the room and she slams the door loudly behind her. Everything has changed, potentially irrevocably so. Julia and Louise aren’t meeting in here anymore, they’ve cut me from the group, just like that. Just for one stupid move, that I thought would help all of us and I’m out. Louise didn’t even give me a chance to explain. I want to tell her what I was playing at with Rita, but I can’t.

  It’s okay, I try my hardest to convince myself. I can just explain it in a bit. When she comes back, I’ll make her sit down with me while I tell her everything. It’ll all be fine. It will be, it has to be.

  I stare at the door, waiting her to come back before my first patient arrives because I’d much rather get this done sooner rather than later, but I already know that she won’t be in so soon. It’s clear she’s avoiding me, which means despite my best efforts I’m not going to be able to get rid of the weird tension in the air today. It’s going to be really hard to work through it all day long, I don’t know how it’s going to end up, but since I’m the one who screwed up I’m the one who needs to make it right.

  Soon, as to be expected, one of my patients comes in the room before Louise, which means it’s time to get to work. There’s always lunch time, I can make it better then.

  ***

  When the end of the day rolls around, I cannot believe that I still haven’t been able to get a moment alone with Louise which means she still hates my guts. I know that she’s been orchestrating her day and that hurts me even more. She doesn’t even want to give me a chance. How am I supposed to fix this if she won’t even talk to me? Julia won’t meet my eye either, it’s horrible.

  “Right, well I suppose I’ll see you tomorrow,” she says in a gushing tone of voice as she attempts to make a quick exit from the room. “Erm, good day and all that.”

  “No, Louise.” I know for a fact that if I let this go on any longer, then I risk never getting to explain myself. “Please don’t go, I need to talk to you. I have some stuff that I want to discuss.”

  “No, I don’t think so. I don’t know if there’s anything we can talk about.”

  She closes the gap between herself and the door which causes my breath to get stuck in my throat. She’s desperate to get out of here and I really need her to stay. This is hell.

  “No, Louise, please don’t go. I know that this is weird. Please don’t leave before giving me a chance to let me speak to you. I’ve messed up, I know that I have. Just give me a chance to talk…”

  She spins around with fury in her gaze. As she moves back towards me I can see that I’m about to get it in the neck, which at least is so much better than her not talking to me at all. A yelling shouting match is better than no conversation at all.

  “You messed up?” she demands furiously. “What by fooling around with me when you already have a girlfriend? Are you serious? I do not want to hear that right now.”

  “No, honestly, Rita isn’t my girlfriend. She never has been. I don’t know why, but when you first left to go and see the human resources department I came up with an idiotic plan that I thought was a good idea… only now I can see it was stupid. I thought if everyone thought I had a girlfriend, they’d stop talking about us and people wouldn’t assume that your baby is mine.”

  She’s silenced by that, I can see the words sucked out of her body. I don’t know if I’ve gotten through to her or not but she isn’t yelling for a moment which I think is a good sign.

  “So who is the woman?” she finally whispers. “Who was she?”

  “She’s my neighbor.” I can’t lie, not now my voice is too stiff. “Actually, she’s someone that I’ve been hooking up with every now and then, but that’s over now. For sure.”

  Louise nods a few times before she asks her next question. “So, I have to ask you this, just because it’s weird, but what about the woman you were hooking up with in your office during an appointment? I mean, we both know that you do that, right? With me. But not just me, I saw you.”

  “Yeah,” Urgh, I feel like I’m being torn apart, but I suppose it’s needed. “Yeah I did do that. I’ve done that a few times actually throughout my career. It isn’t great, but that’s who I am. Or who I was. I don’t think I’m that anymore…”

  I hope I’m not anyway, and I actually mean that.

  Chapter Eighteen – Louise

  As I stir in my bed moments before my alarm kicks off I feel like a weight has been lifted from my chest. Speaking to Oliver last night, learning more about his – admittedly very stupid – plan, and the way that he’s been living his life up until this point makes me feel a lot better. I’m closer to him now, he’s opened up to me a little bit, and I feel more connected to him. It also proves to me that I’m not the worst judge of people, Oliver isn’t a terrible person. Maybe he hasn’t always been the best person either, but that’s okay. He’s human, flawed, just like the rest of us.

&n
bsp; I smile to myself and turn onto one side where I stare at the wall for just a few moments. I need a minute to gear myself up. The longer my pregnancy goes on for, the more tired I become, it gets harder and harder to get up in the mornings. I wonder how I’ll cope when I’m nine months along with a belly like a ball. I’ll probably have to be rolled out of bed like a whale. It would be funny if it wasn’t so tragic, and accurate, and if I actually had someone to roll me and I’m not going to be alone.

  Ring, ring… Ring, ring… Ring, ring…

  With a deep sigh, I turn the other way and grab my cell phone off the side. I don’t recognize the number written across the screen so I hit answer without much thinking about it. “Hello?”

  “Hello, is this Louise from apartment two oh nine? It’s Bill Brew, the landlord.”

  I bolt upright in my bed and I open up my eyes that much wider. Bill only ever calls me when there’s an emergency which means there must be something bad going on. I spin my brain back trying to work out the last time I paid the rent, but I’m pretty sure that I’m up to date.

  “Hi, Bill. What’s going on?” I rub my forehead hard. “Is everything okay?”

  “Well, not really.” His tone is too grave. I don’t like it one bit. “I have to sell the building, so unfortunately everyone has to move out. I know that this isn’t great news, so I’m giving everyone a month to find somewhere new to go to. Erm, just know that I wouldn’t do this if I didn’t have to.”

  “I have to move?” It’s too early for this kind of revelation. “I’m getting kicked out?”