Fake It

by Mia Ford

  “I don’t want you to think of it like that, but yes. I mean, effectively you need to live somewhere else so yes. I will be sending this all to you in a letter, but I wanted to let you know first.”

  Fuck. This is horrible. I’m about to lose my home. The only reason that I’ve been able to live here for such a long time is because the rent is so low. Bill never bothered to raise it, even when all the other landlords did. I always thought that I would stay here until I was done with college and about to get a real job. I never thought I’d end up homeless and completely unable to fund another home for myself. Mind you, this is just one more thing that’s sending me off the track of my life. The baby, Oliver, getting behind in my work, and now this. Now I’ll be living on the streets.

  “Right, thank you,” I whisper. “Erm, thank you for letting me know.” Why am I thanking him? He’s giving me the worst news ever. “I’ll speak to you soon, Bill.”

  As I hang up the phone, I bolt towards the toilet. For the first time since I got pregnant I’m actually about to be sick. Real sick, not just nausea. I make it into the bathroom and lean over the toilet while hot, disgusting vomit spills past my lips. As I puke, my brain spins wildly as I try to work out what the hell I’m going to do next. One month isn’t anywhere near enough time for me to get myself together, I’m never going to be able to afford rent and deposit. It just isn’t going to happen. So, what I’m going to have to do is find somewhere to stay. Since I don’t have any family, that’s out. Julia is a possibility but I know her apartment is already absolutely stacked. There isn’t much room with her. I might have to stay there for a couple of days, but that’s all I’ll be able to achieve. Even that won’t be enough. It doesn’t buy me anywhere near enough time to get rich.

  Fuck. Once I’ve finished being sick, I step into the shower and scrub myself rapidly. I clean myself as much as I can, then I brush my teeth, all while on complete autopilot. Even as I pull my clothes on and I get myself ready for work, I don’t really know what I’m doing. Every single time it feels that things are going really well for me and I’m finally coming to terms in life but then something else comes out of nowhere and it knocks me for six. This is just another horrible obstacle that I have to overcome. Admittedly, it’s a bit more challenging that ‘I’m pissed off with Oliver’ but hopefully I’ll find a way. I need to try and remain positive anyway. If I crack and fall apart, I don’t know how I’ll be able to pull myself back up. I’ve survived this, and I can live through more. I can, I’m sure of it. I need to at least try.

  ***

  I spot Oliver the moment I step into the office, and as I see him my heart skips about ten beats. Every so often it hits me how much I like him, how attracted I am to him, and how I wish he could be mine. Urgh, it hurts so damn badly, but I need to reel it in. I’m already messy enough.

  “Hey, Oliver.” I try to keep my tone fake and happy, but I can see in his face he doesn’t totally believe it. “How are you today?” I grab a coffee cup and pour myself a drink. “All okay?”

  “Yeah, yeah fine. How about with you?” He narrows his eyes at me. “You good?”

  “Erm, yeah sure. I’m okay.” My smile gets faker and faker. “All good. Looking forward to a busy day ahead of us. I presume that we have lots of patients booked in?”

  “Yep.” He pushes himself upwards and walks towards the door. “Which is why we should probably get into the office now. We have some paper work to catch up on.”

  I know that isn’t the truth, I’m pretty sure that he just wants to talk to me, so I go with him. Actually, the only good thing about this problem is that it’s easy to talk about. It’s hard to deal with but it isn’t as embarrassing as the last few problems I’ve had to discuss.

  As soon as we get into the office he clicks the door behind him and he spins to face me with a determined expression on his face. “Right, Louise, what’s going on with you right now? I can already tell that you aren’t okay, so spill it over. I think we’ve already proven that keeping things inside isn’t helpful.”

  “No, no I’ll tell you it’s okay,” I chuckle as I think about how many ridiculous conversations we’ve had to have. This is the craziest doctor, trainee relationship of all time. “It isn’t anything too painful, I just…” Urgh, all of a sudden it sticks in my throat again. “I got a phone call this morning that my apartment building is being sold so I have to move out in less than a month’s time.”

  “What?” Oliver looks horrified. “Don’t they have to give you more time than a month? Surely there’s a legal case that you have here. I’m sure there’s something you can do…”

  “No, no.” I hold up my hands to stop him. “I’m sure there is and under any other circumstances I would want to fight this to the bitter end, but this isn’t the best time for me. I’m about to have a baby and I cannot deal with this. Especially with that, I’ll probably end up having to move out anyway. It won’t change the fact that I really can’t afford it and I don’t have anywhere to go.”

  Oliver’s face contorts, I can see all the emotions crossing his face. I have a horrible feeling that he’s about to offer me money which will suck. I’ll need it and a part of me will want to take it, but I can’t. I cannot take money that I can’t afford to pay back and I hate owing people stuff. I just won’t be able to do it. As he parts his lips, I brace myself, I wait for the dreaded words to fly out of his mouth.

  “Why don’t you come and stay with me?” he says instead, shocking me to the core.

  “Huh?” I’m gob smacked, I barely even know what to say. “What do you mean?”

  “Okay, look.” Oliver stares at me intently. “I have a big apartment, like a huge space. There is so much room in there it’s ridiculous. There’s no point in me living there alone while you live on the damn streets. You can have your own room, your own bathroom, it won’t even be like I’m there.”

  Oh my God, his words are too much, it’s the sort of offer that I didn’t even dare to wish for. A home, somewhere to stay where I won’t be in the way and that I can stay for a while, during which time I can actually sort my life out. It’s too good to be true, which of course means I can’t take it.

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea,” I gush desperately. “I mean, thank you so much for the offer, but I don’t want to impose. I feel like I’ve already done that enough…”

  “You honestly wouldn’t be imposing. Honestly. I wouldn’t make the offer if I didn’t mean it. You can come and crash at mine, no issues, while you get yourself sorted out. That way you can save up and get yourself a decent apartment for you and the baby. I don’t mind even if you stay right until the end.” He laughs. “Hell, you can even stay after the baby has come. I don’t mind. My home could use some noise within it. It’ll be fun. Won’t it?”

  It’s too much, I can see it in his face that he’s being serious with his offer, which makes it all the more touching. I hesitate just because I’m trying my hardest to find out why this could all go wrong, and I’m more than sure that it can, but I can’t think of any reasons right now.

  “Erm, I mean, would that be alright?” I ask coyly. “I really don’t want to be a pain, but I don’t want to end up pregnant and homeless. If I had some family members left I’d bother them, but I don’t.”

  Oliver touches my shoulder and he grins sincerely at me. “Louise, we are friends. What do friends do for each other? They help out. You would do the same for me, I’m sure of it.”

  I would, I know that I would, so I nod. “Thank you so much, Oliver. I really appreciate this. I won’t be there for too long, I promise you of that. I won’t be there when the baby comes.”

  Oliver laughs and nods. “Okay, well maybe that would be a little too much. I don’t know if I’d be any good with a baby, but until then… you’re welcome to stay for as long as you want. It’ll be fun to have you around.”

  Fun… yeah, maybe. I’m not too sure about that, but it’s worth a try. I don’t have any other options anyway, so this i
s all I got.

  Chapter Nineteen – Oliver

  “Is that all you have?” I gasp in shock as Louise gets out of the cab with two rucksacks and three large bags. “There must be more. Do you need to go back and get the rest of your stuff?”

  “Nope,” she chuckles loudly with a happy, if maybe slightly nervous, look on her face. “This is honestly it. I’ve emptied everything in my apartment and this is everything. I just don’t own much.”

  “I suppose that will change once the baby comes. I think you’ll need all sorts then.”

  “Yeah, don’t remind me.” She rolls her eyes and walks across the sidewalk to greet me. “I don’t know how I’m going to cope with it all. At least I have a chance of saving some cash to afford it all now. Thank you again for letting me come to stay with you, I really appreciate it.”

  Louise looks up at me with expectant eyes, just as she has been over the last few days. I’m sure she keeps thinking that I’ll change my mind, but that’s never going to happen. I know that this is a good idea. Sure, on the surface of it, it might seem a little nuts, but underneath I know we can make this work. If I’m honest, I’m actually a little excited about trying it. I haven’t ever wanted to share my space with anyone before. It’ll be like a little practice, to see if I can ever be in a real relationship when the times comes. If the time comes. Oh God, if only my mom could see me now.

  “You are more than welcome, like I said there’s plenty of space. Come on, let’s go inside.”

  We take the elevator up through the floors of my building, during which time I negotiate taking some of her bags from her. She’s more determined to be independent than any woman I’ve ever met before, and that doesn’t even change when she has a baby inside of her. I suppose it’s because she’s always had to be that way, she hasn’t had any choice because she’s pretty much always been alone.

  “Right, it’s this one. Come inside.” I move her from the elevator to my apartment quickly because I’m afraid Rita might come out. While we didn’t leave things on bad terms, it wasn’t the nicest of moods either. I’m sure the situation will be misconstrued if she comes out to see me moving another girl into my apartment after what happened. She’ll think I used her for all the wrong reasons. Since she’s clearly avoiding me I’m sure it’ll be okay, but I better be cautious just in case. “Here.”

  “Oh wow, this apartment really is huge!” Louise gushes as she walks inside. “I mean, I lived in an apartment too, but it wasn’t anything like this. It was basically all in one room. This is… it’s crazy.” She spins and takes it all in, which causes me to laugh appreciatively. “This is awesome.”

  I stand back and watch her for a few moments, simply enjoying the sight of her in my home. She suits it, she looks good, despite the fact that it’s a bachelor pad that’s never had a woman’s touch, she looks like she belongs. If the situation was anything different, then she could belong here.

  “Come on,” I eventually feel compelled to interject before I lose myself in my imagination. “Let me show you to your room.” I had the bedroom spruced up for her and I really hope she likes it.

  I open the door wider and show her the inside which makes her gasp really happily. “Oh my goodness, are you sure, Oliver? This is really nice. I mean, it’s gorgeous. It’s much nicer than my whole apartment. It might even be bigger… look at the bed, and the wardrobe.”

  “It’s got an en suite bathroom too,” I jump in, loving her happiness. It makes me feel so good to be able to do something so nice for Louise. She really deserves it. “So, you have your own space.”

  It seems that she acts without even thinking about it, because the next minute her arms have flung around me and she’s clinging onto me for dear life. I can feel her shoulder shaking against me, which suggests she might be weeping. I just really hope that it’s happy tears! I want this to be a nice moment for both of us and the time that we really cement our friendship.

  “So, you like it then?” I ask brightly. “You think you can settle in here for a while.”

  “Oh you don’t want me to settle in,” she mumbles into my chest. “You might never get rid of me. I might end up staying forever and ever, this is the nicest apartment I’ve seen in my life.”

  In the past, a statement like that would have definitely freaked me out. There’s no doubt about it. Whether this was a friendship deal or not I would be regretting my offer and trying to squirm out of it. I’d probably just buy her home to get her out of mine… but Louise’s statement leaves me nothing but relaxed. Oddly calm, actually. Like I never want her to leave.

  “Right.” Finally I step back and I give her some space. Or me some space, since I’m the one freaking out. “I’ll give you some time to get settled in. Once you’re ready give me a yell and I’ll put the kettle on. Make us a coffee, or a tea, whatever it is that you’re allowed. Sound good?”

  “Yep, sounds good. I’ll see you in a bit.”

  As I move back through my apartment, I feel like I’m floating on air, like all of this isn’t totally real. If someone had told me that I’d find myself in this situation only a few months ago I would’ve called them insane. But here I am, practically cohabiting! It’s madness, but in a really good way.

  I flop onto the couch and I flick the television on. There’s a football game on, but it isn’t enough to capture my attention. Instead I find myself daydreaming about what my life would be like to have someone permanently by my side. I’ve never thought of myself as a lonely person before, more as the mad, party guy who’s always having fun, but now that I’m really examining myself in a way that I haven’t done so before I’m not sure that it really has been all that great. Aside from Simon, no one really knows me. They only see my persona. And while random, meaningless hook ups have been fun, they leave me very inexperienced in a certain area, and that’s opening up and being honest about myself. I’ve been far more open with Louise than anyone else before, and I kinda like it. I’m vulnerable and surprisingly it isn’t the worst thing that could ever happen to me.

  “Okay, I think I’m done.” A smile bursts onto my face as I hear Louise talking. “And I could really use that coffee you were talking about before. I’m parched.”

  “Of course.” I leap up, flick the TV off and head towards the kitchen. There, as the kettle boils, I do what I can to get my game face back on. I can’t let Louise know that I’ve been mooning and daydreaming. We’re doing what we can to make this as normal as possible. I can’t start being weird.

  I take the drink back into the living room where Louise is waiting for me. I can tell that she’s been pacing, which means she has something intense on her mind. I don’t want to know what it is because it might ruin this really nice day that we’ve been having so far.

  “I’ve been thinking…” Okay, she’s going to tell me whether I like it or not. “What are we going to say to people at work? If I’m commuting with you every day then won’t they talk?”

  “Huh.” It’s weird, the gossip that I was so desperate to prevent not so long ago now doesn’t feel important to me at all. I don’t care now what people say and I’m not sure what’s changed. “I mean, I don’t think it matters too much because people might talk anyway, but you can always say that you split up with the father of your child and you need somewhere to stay. It isn’t too far from the truth.”

  “But, won’t you get in trouble? If people start thinking that we’re together?”

  “It won’t matter because we’re telling the truth. There isn’t anything going on, this is just a friend doing one favor for another friend. I don’t think we have anything to worry about.”

  But as Louise gives me an intense look, I wonder how truthful we’re being. Are we just fooling ourselves by thinking that we can keep things above board by sharing an apartment? My home might be big but there’s no way we can completely avoid one another. Maybe we’ve accidently put ourselves in the worst situation possible and we’ll never be able to resist, just like during the appoi
ntment…

  But then Louise reaches down and she touches her slightly swollen belly, reminding me that it’ll never happen. She isn’t in a place of hooking up and I’m only helping her own. I’m going to be respectful and keep away from her because it’s the right thing to do. Her life is complicated enough without me interfering and meddling, just because I can’t control myself.

  “Well, if you’re sure.” She shrugs. “I don’t care so much about gossip because I’m pretty sure I’ve always been talked about. I just don’t want you to get into any trouble.”

  We sip our drinks in silence, both of us trying our best to ignore the weird tension that’s filled the air, but there’s no denying that it’s there. It’s a shame, because there will always be something unanswered between me and Louise, and it isn’t going to help that we’ll never get our closure.

  Still, we’re both adults, we can be each other’s friends. I’m sure once we’re more used to each other’s living habits the attraction will grow. This might even make it a whole lot easier. Who knows?

  “Do you have anything planned today?” I ask her cordially. “I left the whole day free because I assumed it’d take you that long to get moved in!”

  “Oh well, I don’t really have anything planned either. I thought it all might take a lot longer, so I guess we’ve got a long old Sunday stretched out in front of us.”

  I don’t know if I can stand that, it all feels like too much pressure. We need to get out and do something so we can ease into this at a much better pace. If things start off weird and complicated, that will only get worse. I don’t want that, it’ll ruin everything.