by Rita Hestand
"How clever!" She chuckled.
Matthew waited for him to speak to him. "Matthew, you've grown a foot." Hawk said.
Matthew beamed.
When he saw Jane Ann, he bent to pick her up and whirl her around in the air. "How's my little sweet pea?"
Eve and Matthew stared at each other, "Sweet Pea?"
"It is a flower…" Hawk explained.
"We know…" Eve chuckled.
"The Colonel invited me to dinner and you must pack up what you can. I have brought horses for us this time two for you and one for me. They were wild, but I broke them."
She smiled.
He turned to her now and looked deep into her eyes. "You will be ready in the morning?"
"Yes…"
"Good. I must go; I will see you at supper." He nodded to them and left.
"Hoorah, we are leaving." Matthew threw his hat in the air.
"You're glad?"
"Yes ma'am."
"Well, we better get our things together so we can leave early in the morning." She said happily.
"I told you he'd come."
Eve glanced at him. "You certainly did. You had more faith than I."
"We're pretty close…Hawk and me!" He laughed.
Eve smiled, it was good that her children got along well with Hawk. But while they were here, it was dangerous.
Eve barely saw him all night. At the table she was at one end, he at the other and he didn't offer to dance with her either.
She wished he had, but then he was an Indian, maybe he didn't know how to dance. On the other hand, perhaps it would have been improper. Strange that the word improper never occurred to her. Everything about her relationship with Hawk was improper.
The next morning he came up to her quarters and knocked on the door.
"Ready?"
"Yes, we are."
"Have you said your goodbyes?" He asked.
"I said them last night." She chuckled.
"To all those young men who danced with you?"
She chuckled again, "Yes, to all of them."
"Then we'll be on our way. I've spoken with the Colonel. He's sorry to see you leave, of course, like all the men." He teased gently.
Hawk and Eve walked along side each other, but Matthew and Jane Ann rode. She waved at all the women who came out to say goodbye.
"Take care, come back and visit, dear!" One of them called to her.
"Thank you Mrs. Harrington, I will." Eve smiled at them now.
Chapter Nine
"I wanted to stop here, so you could say goodbye to your children and parents." Hawk gestured as they stood before her old home place once more." Hawk said.
"Thank you."
As she fixed breakfast, everyone ate and Hawk watched them. When the kids finished she let them go play for a bit.
He came up to her. "To go north would put you in danger more. It is an unsettled area. We should head south. Is there a town you want to go to?"
"No…" She said her face withdrawn, her voice emotionless. "I have no kin, and I won't go back east."
"Are there no relatives left in your family?"
"No…" She said again flatly this time. "None I care to live with."
"Where do you want to go, then?" he asked her, coming closer.
"I want," she looked at him seriously now, knowing he wouldn't approve. "To stay here, Hawk." When he turned his head with disgust she went on to explain. "This is my home, my land." She said and saw his mouth open wordlessly. "I own it. This is where my children are buried, my parents too." She insisted. "Why can't we stay here?" The plea in her voice softened him.
He stared long and hard.
"It is what you want?" He frowned at her.
"Yes…It's the only home I've known." She pleaded with her eyes.
"Then we will stay." He sighed heavily.
She breathed easier now. "Thank you…"
"You may not thank me…you may be sorry."
"Will you stay with us?" She asked.
He didn't answer.
"Please stay…" She pleaded once more, staring into his somber face. "We could build another house."
"It is what you wish?"
"Yes." she answered breathlessly.
He nodded his eyes meeting hers.
She had the urge to throw her arms around him and kiss his cheek, but she wasn't sure she should, instead she merely smiled.
"I will stay on the cliff above…" He announced.
Her heart sank. She had hoped he would want to stay with her now, but obviously, he wanted things to be the same as they had been. She sighed heavily but said nothing.
"Until the house is ready, you will stay with me on the cliff." He told her.
Her heart swelled once more and she smiled. "All right." Her smile captured his heart again.
He glanced at Matthew. "Then we must begin work tomorrow. Today we rest."
Matthew nodded. "I'm sure glad of that."
Days went by, and the four of them lived happily on the cliff as they all worked to rebuild the house. Hawk spent most of his time chopping down lumber for the house and Matthew hauled wood and supplies to the spot they had planned to build. The horses he brought worked hard to pull the loads for them. Hawk had built a travois to haul the lumber back and forth.
The barn and lean-to were like sore thumbs sticking out among the rubble. What kept Eve here had nothing to do with buildings or land. What kept her here were the dead.
She knew it was hard to understand.
Three days later two white men came upon them. Hawk had been out chopping wood. When he spotted them, he hid from sight, but stayed close enough to hear what was going on.
"Hello there in the camp." One of the men hollered.
"Hello!" Eve responded in kind.
The men stared at the burnout cabin, then her. "What are you doin' woman?" One of the men asked. He was lean and hard looking, with a scruffy beard and a frown on his face.
"We're rebuilding…" She said with a smile. "Want a cup of coffee?"
"Shore. But…a woman and two kids can't do it." The other man laughed.
"We are doing it, sir." Eve corrected and handed them both a cup of coffee.
"You'd do yourself a service if you'd go into town and stay. This ain't no place for a woman with kids." The fatter more pleasant one said.
"What is it with men? My two children are buried here, and my husband and folks. I cannot leave them, sir." She told them.
"There's Comanche about here. It ain't safe." The thin one repeated.
"Who do you think burnt me out?" She gestured.
"Then if you know about them, why you stayin'?" The fat one asked.
"I cannot leave them…" She gestured toward the graves. "And I do not think they will return."
"Ma'am, it ain't makin' no sense to stay here. They are dead, and they'll stay dead. You, on the other hand are alive."
"Nevertheless, it's our home. My children are buried there sir, I cannot just walk off and leave them. We will stay."
"A burnout home…"
"Yes, a burnout home." She smiled sadly.
"My names Tucker and this is Flint." The lean one said studying her closely. "I don't reckon you could spare us some food to take with us, could you?"
"Yes, I have ham and beans and canned peaches." She offered.
"Lord have mercy, we sure are hungry."
"I'm Eve Dawson, and these are my children, Matthew and Jane Ann." She smiled.
"You're a dern fool ma'am, but I reckon I understand the not leavin'. I had a couple of kids once too. I hope when we come back through that you are still alive and have your scalps." Tucker said.
"Where are you headed?"
"Goin' to Fort Concho. Gonna join Colonel Mackenzie's Raiders." They nodded. "They're getting' rid of a lot of this Indian trash that left the reservations. We're gonna stop all this killin' if we can."
"Oh…"
"Yeah, they are raiding the Indian camps along the way. We fig
ure by this time next year there will be nothing to fear." Flint said scratching his chin.
"Good luck to you." She packed them some grub in their saddle bags. They mounted up to left, tipping their hats to her. She nodded as they went on their way after refilling their canteens.
Hawk came back into camp. "I'm glad you didn't tell them we were there."
"Yes, it sounds like Mackenzie is declaring all out war on the rebel Indian tribes."
"Problem is, he doesn't see the difference in one from another." Hawk frowned.
"I'm sorry, this must be hard for you," She said coming closer.
"The whites and the Indians cannot live together." He stared at her. Then looking away he added. "It will be a long while yet."
She turned her head in question. She thought about that all evening. Her life had changed so drastically. Until he said that, she hadn't given the consequences of her actions and feelings a thought. Now it worried her.
If Hawk really thought that, then they had no future together. Perhaps they never did. Did she really ever think they had a chance at happiness? Perhaps he didn't really want her. Perhaps it was lust for him. Perhaps he was just being noble and trying to save her life. However, she needed to know for herself, because her feelings were all mixed up with her exposed emotions.
Late that night, after the children had gone to sleep, she walked to the edge of the cliff to stare down, she wanted to see what he saw for the last two years. This is where Hawk had stood watching her, protecting her.
Now was the time for her to sort through her true feelings for him, for the consequences weighed heavy on her mind. She had to separate fantasy from fact.
"Something bothering you?" He whispered as he came up behind her.
Inner tensions surfaced between them.
She barely turned to look at him. "I was just wondering if you will stay when the work is done."
"I hadn't thought that far ahead." He said.
"Please stay," she whispered for his ears alone. Her words conveyed so much more in that request.
He stared into her face. "I will stay!"
She sighed aloud and he stared intently at her now. She closed her eyes and murmured, "Thank you. I don't think you understand why I want to stay here."
"Is it important that I understand?" He rasped.
She whirled around and stared, unable to read his face. "Yes, it is. You see, those babies out there in the dirt…" her eyes held real tears now, and she choked them back. "I never got to really see them. I won't…until I die. But something inside me says, I must keep them close. I'm their mother. I have to be here with them…at least for now!"
The children were in sight, but it was so dark, she doubted they could see, if they were awake. She moved toward him boldly and tiptoed to kiss him. A fleeting kiss on the cheek, for a thank you, but he turned just in time for his lips melted against hers. He wouldn't touch her, but he would kiss her, to let her know he returned the raw feelings between them. The kiss massaged the ache inside her. Her breasts tingled as she leaned against him for support. Her heart pounded to match his. "Oh…" she drawled, swooning from the kiss, savoring it like a keepsake.
He pulled away.
"I have not asked yet, but I must. Are you with child?"
"No," her voice held sorrow when she said it, and that shocked him. Her sorrow pulled at his heart.
"And that makes you… sad?" He queried, his head turning in question.
She looked at him. She almost smiled. "Strange isn't it?" She faced him for a moment, then looked down. She moved away from him. "I suppose…it does." She glanced up, her eyes locking onto his, "I didn't mean to worry you. But I was late with my monthly. After what happened…and then I blurted out that my husband had died two years ago, at the fort, I was afraid…"
"Of what?" He asked, his glance boring into her.
"Of what they would say about me, what they would think. That I would be cast out. Where would I go? What would I do? I would be a nomad, just like the Indians. But even though fear ruled me, in my heart…I foolishly hoped."
"You hoped what?" He asked coming closer.
Her eyes sought understanding as she stared through the darkness at him. "That I was." She let out a breath and moved further away.
He took a deep breath and stepped back.
She imagined them coming together again, as she closed her eyes and breathed in the distinct scent of the man, all male, potent, the thought consuming her. And when she opened her eyes again, she knew he knew what she was thinking. She smiled shyly.
She looked into his eyes, saw the sparkle of desire that matched her own, and then she walked away. What they had shared back at the Comanche camp was more than a moment of lust, or his desire to save her, it had meant something, to both of them. They had just acknowledged that by their silence. The thought swelled within her, and she thanked her God for the man who stood so silent, yet said so much.
He stood there staring out over the land and the new house he was helping to build, for a long while. He stood so still, unable to move, to show her just how much he cared, only with his lips. He could not leave her. He would not leave her now, for she was a part of him that he never imagined, and always would be. They had crossed the line. They had mixed and nothing would change that. Her admission of sorrow blazed within him now. He knew from this moment on that leaving was no longer an option. When he realized she had wanted his child, his heart swelled within him. He stood proudly, digesting her response with so much love; he could not express it if he tried. She was his!
And tonight, she knew it too!
Chapter Ten
The next few days kept them busy with hard work. They rested for long periods too though, so they wouldn't tire so easily.
Then several days later, they took off work and Hawk and Matthew went fishing. Eve and Jane Ann stayed in camp and played tea party. It was a marvelous day with the children.
There had been no more talk between them. No more intimacy. Just occasional glances, a smile here and there.
They had been here over two weeks now and it felt so much like home. Eve was happy, a little too happy.
Many times, she wondered if perhaps she had assumed the wrong things from Hawk, as he had made no designs on her. Whatever he felt about her, he kept to himself. Perhaps she'd do better if she tried to put her thoughts of him away too.
She told herself that repeatedly. It was impossible!
"Mommy, is Hawk my daddy?" Jane Ann asked so sweetly as she curled up in her lap and hugged her. She was talking well now and her curiosity was running wild.
"Well, would you like him to be?" She asked playfully.
"Yes…" Jane Ann answered. "I love him."
Eve nearly laughed. "Love him?"
"Yes mommy."
"You do?" Eve smiled, how could one so young express love so easily.
"Is it all right to love him, mommy?"
"Yes darling, it is…"
"But he's an Indian isn't he?" Jane Ann asked.
"Yes, he is. Who told you he was an Indian?"
"Matthew. He likes him too." Jane Ann said sweetly. "What's an Indian Mommy?"
Eve smiled with understanding. "Well darling, there are many types of people in this world. And Indian is one of them."
"Are we Indians?"
"No…"
"I'd like to be an Indian."
"Why?" Eve asked curiously.
"'Cause I love Hawk. He takes care of us like a real daddy."
The truth from a baby's lips, Eve smiled.
"Yes, he does, but…sweetheart, some people might not understand our feelings for Hawk. Because he is an Indian, we can't share those feelings with others. Do you understand? And when the white people come around, we must not speak of him like that."
"Why mommy?" Jane Ann frowned.
"Because some people don't like Indians. They wouldn't understand how we feel. And we don't want anything to happen to Hawk."
"Okay mommy, I won't tell
."
"I know you won't, sweetheart."
"Mommy?"
"Yes darling."
"Do you love Hawk?"
Eve smiled into her precious daughter's face and nodded, knowing she could not lie. "I-I…Yes darling, I do."
"I'm glad." She clapped.
"Me too, darling, me too!"
But as Hawk and Matthew came back Hawk smiled at Jane Ann, "What are you so glad about."
"That I love you, and mommy loves you and Matthew loves you!" She smiled happily.
Eve started to stop her, but she couldn't think of how!
"Well, now, I love you too, Sweet Pea?"
"Do you love Matthew?" She asked as he picked her up in his arms.
"Yes, I do…" He smiled at her.
"And Mommy too?"
Eve's eyes rounded like saucers. How could she stop this?
"And mommy too!" His eyes met hers briefly, then he made light of it and walked off.
Eve's face turned red and she moved away so no one would see her. Embarrassed she didn't know what to say or do now.
Saying it aloud, especially to her children meant she affirmed her feelings. It didn't make it right. It didn't make it work, but it clarified many things in her mind for her.
She had fantasized about him for two long years. It had been nothing more than a fantasy.
Today, she ripped the fantasy away from her, replacing it with the truth. Finally, she could admit the truth to herself. What had grown between them in those two years was more than physical, but the physical merely affirmed the mental and emotional coming together. Her mind and her body had somehow become one with Hawk. They were a part of each other.
She also knew full well the responsibility that came with it. Saying what they felt, would bring them one-step closer, and a step into danger. She knew that.
Her heart ached to tell him how she felt, but her mind still held reason. Once they took the step to love each other there would be no going back.
Had they taken that step?
Perhaps he said it to appease Jane Ann.
At the fort she had come full circle, facing the stark reality that if anyone knew her feelings, she'd be outcast from her own people. And so would he? Their love, if this truly was love, was forbidden by both societies. They weren't blind, they knew it.