My Soldier Too

by Bev Prescott

  “Oh God, Isabella, I’m so sorry.”

  “Good sometimes rises out of the ashes of horrible events. David Cutter was at the VA clinic where I was doing my internship. He became one of my best friends that day. I also found my purpose. My way to serve our country is to work with veterans.”

  “How did you figure it out?”

  “Classes were cancelled, and we were all supposed to go home. I couldn’t go. I hated feeling useless. I needed to do something positive. So I went to the shelter. I assumed the guys there would be upset, and maybe I could help. The opposite turned out to be true. They’d already known that kind of trauma. Turns out I needed them. David sat with me for hours, just talking, while we watched our country come apart at the seams. His decency and compassion inspired me more than anyone ever has. I’ve been working with veterans ever since.” Isabella dabbed her mouth with her napkin. “I just wish I could convince him to live someplace other than on the streets.”

  “He’s completely devoted to the homeless vets,” Madison said. “I bet that’s why he won’t leave them.”

  “That’s exactly why. When he was in Vietnam, he lost most of his men in an ambush. He’s been carrying the guilt around ever since. This is his way of making amends, I think. It’s his life’s ambition. He lives to take care of them, especially when they get into trouble.” Isabella placed her napkin down and folded her hands together under her chin.

  “How’s that?” Madison asked.

  “For example, one of our vets with a drug and alcohol problem was recently convicted of robbing a convenience store. This coming Friday, David will be right there at the sentencing hearing with me and Ben, who was the attorney on the case, trying to convince the judge to send the man to rehab instead of jail. It’s too bad David can’t spend half as much time trying to forgive himself as he does looking out for the other guys.”

  “It may not be about forgiveness. It might be about loyalty. You’ve probably heard that saying about not ever leaving a fellow soldier behind, whether dead or alive. In his mind, he and the other vets are still fighting the wars of their youth. He can’t bring himself to leave them behind.”

  “You speak from experience, don’t you?”

  “I suppose.”

  “What about you? Why did you decide to serve in the military?”

  “You’ll probably be disappointed when I tell you. My reasons for serving aren’t selfless like yours.” Madison looked away, then she gazed into Isabella’s eyes. “I did it for me. It was the only way to escape the bad situation I was in, living with my mother.”

  “Do you feel differently now that you’ve been to Iraq? Everybody always says being there or in Afghanistan is an incredible sacrifice.”

  Madison carried that subject around like a monkey on her back. “It’s a sacrifice. I’m not sure for whom or what, though. But still, I am proud of my service. I wouldn’t change that.” Unwelcome thoughts crowded into her memory. She tried to push the face of Lt. Scott Stevens out of her mind.

  “Are you okay, Madison? Maybe I shouldn’t have brought this up.”

  Madison forced a small smile. “I’m sorry. I’m still working through some of my feelings about Iraq. Do you mind if we talk about something else?”

  “Okay. I didn’t mean to pry.” Isabella stacked two of the serving bowls. “We could discuss how glad I am to have met you.”

  “I’d like that. I’ll start by telling you I feel exactly the same way. And this dinner was beyond description.”

  Isabella and Madison cleared the dishes from the table. After the dishwasher was loaded and the leftovers stashed in the refrigerator, they took their dessert and coffee into the living room.

  “I know I said this before, but that was the best dinner anyone has ever made for me.” Madison rubbed her stomach. “I should’ve stopped at one helping, but it was too good to pass up seconds.”

  “I haven’t made dinner for anyone in a while. I’m glad it was for you.”

  “What about Ben? You must cook for him.”

  “Occasionally, but he prefers to go out.”

  “You’ve got to be kidding me. If you were my girlfriend, I’d want you to cook for me all the time. Nothing at a restaurant could be half as good.”

  Isabella looked away.

  “Uh-oh. I think I touched a nerve.”

  “Maybe you did. The tough part is that I don’t know why that’s the case.”

  “Could it be that you’re here with me on a Saturday night instead of with your boyfriend? How long have you two been together?”

  “Too long, probably.”

  “Why do you say that?”

  “I haven’t admitted this to anyone but myself.” Isabella looked at the picture of her family before finishing her comment. “It’s because I don’t love him.”

  “Why do you stay with him, then?”

  “I’m terrible at saying no to him. Besides, my family worships Ben. I don’t want to cause some huge family drama before Michael’s wedding. Ben is devoted to me, but there’s something missing between us that I can’t quite put my finger on.” Isabella moved closer to the line she was terrified to cross. “Plus, I think I may have met someone else. Have you ever been in love? I’m not sure I know what it feels like, and since I hardly know this person, I’m afraid I might be making a giant mistake.”

  Isabella’s question hung between them.

  At last, Madison answered. “I was in love once, awhile ago.” She swallowed twice. “You’ll know it when it happens.”

  “It’s funny you should say that. My uncle said the exact same thing earlier today. Who was she, and why aren’t you with her now?”

  Madison pondered a moment before replying. “Bobbie outed me to you earlier, didn’t she?”

  “Your being gay doesn’t bother me in the least. I hope you don’t mind that I know.”

  “Not at all. Bobbie has good instincts about people. As for my love life, I was head-over-heels in love with a girl named Jennifer back in high school. I would’ve walked through hell for her. In a lot of ways, I did. Like most love-struck teenagers, we thought we’d be together forever, and we were—right until she told her parents about us. To make a long story short, they told her never to see me again. My mother kicked me out of the house two months before my high school graduation. That’s how I ended up in the Army. My uncle let me stay with him until I graduated. Then I signed up for ROTC and came to school here at Northeastern.”

  Isabella caught a tear as it slipped out of her eye. “Madison Brown, you’re the strongest, most unusual person I’ve ever met. I mean that in a good way.” She looked at Madison intently. “But that still doesn’t tell me how you knew you were in love with her.”

  “I knew it when she kissed me. Are you all right? You look like something’s bothering you.”

  A myriad of emotions banged around inside of Isabella. The riotous beat of her heart reverberated in her head. When she kissed her. “Something might be.”

  “Let me guess. Are you wondering about this new person you’ve met?”

  Isabella nodded.

  “Do you want to tell me who it is?” Madison asked.

  “You.”

  Madison put her hand on the back of Isabella’s neck and gently pulled her forward. With her other hand, she caressed the side of Isabella’s face. Then she leaned in and put her lips on Isabella’s.

  The kiss was slow and perfect. Isabella closed her eyes and experienced the sensation of kissing a woman. The silky softness of Madison was exquisite. She opened to her demand to kiss her more deeply. Isabella whimpered. Madison’s taste, the smell of her skin, and the warmth of her breath made Isabella ache. Madison brushed her thumb down Isabella’s neck. Isabella’s arousal climbed even higher at the thought of that hand moving lower over her body. She kissed Madison harder.

  Madison grabbed a handful of Isabella’s hair and gently pulled her head back, breaking their connection. She stared breathless into Isabella’s eyes. “I can’t do thi
s… I have to go.”

  A bucket of icy cold water couldn’t have been more of a jolt. Confusion enveloped Isabella. “I don’t understand.”

  “I shouldn’t have kissed you like that. It was a mistake.”

  “Why?”

  “Because you have a boyfriend, and you’re not even gay.”

  “But I told you I don’t love Ben. I’ve never been kissed like that before. If that’s what it’s like to kiss a woman, then maybe I should be asking whether I’m a lesbian.”

  “Right now, you’re still with him. And what just happened between us was too intense for me.”

  “I feel like you’ve pulled the rug out from underneath me,” Isabella said. “I don’t have any idea what’s happening to me. What should I do?”

  “You have to make things right with Ben and figure out what you want.”

  “What about you and me after that?”

  “First, we’ll focus on being friends.” Madison rose to leave. “I really should get home.”

  Isabella retrieved Madison’s jacket from the closet and helped her slip it on. “Thank you for coming tonight.” She reached for Madison.

  Madison embraced Isabella and kissed her cheek. “Dinner was wonderful.” She paused. “I’m sorry if it feels like I misled you with what happened. I meant what I said a minute ago. You need to figure out what you want to do about Ben and do some soul searching about your feelings.”

  “When can I see you again?” Isabella asked.

  “I… I don’t know.” Madison turned and left.

  Isabella shut the door behind her and leaned against it. What just happened? Whatever it was, she’d never be the same again after that one amazing kiss. She went to the window overlooking the street below and opened it wide. She breathed in the salty air that blew in off the Atlantic. It was a smell she’d never grow tired of. While the lights of the city blocked out most of the stars, she still enjoyed the inky, cloudless sky. The lights of the city were no substitute for a starry night, but they were still pretty in their own right. She was glad for the cold evening air. Maybe it would help her to think more clearly by morning.

  Chapter 7

  Madison threw relentless punches and jabs at the heavy bag. Nearly a week had gone by, yet the kiss with Isabella still played over and over in her mind. So much for her plan not to fall for Isabella. She didn’t want to feel this way. She willed herself to think of something—anything—else. The dying image of Lt. Scott Stevens raced to the forefront. She should have been more careful in her wish for another thought. His last words rang in her head. “I wish I could’ve known love in this life.”

  Madison squeezed her eyes shut to force his memory aside. When she opened them again, she breathed deeply and hit the bag with all her strength. She hit with such force that a protest of pain from an old injury reared its ugly head. “Fuck.”

  She grabbed her shoulder and slumped on the bench against the wall. The sound of Bobbie’s voice surprised her.

  “Maddie, what are you trying to do, kill yourself? Or maybe you’ve got it in for the heavy bag.” Bobbie grabbed the bag to stop it from swinging. She sat down next to Madison. “What’s going on?”

  “I’m too close to the edge of a place I don’t want to be.” Madison took off her gloves. The pain in her shoulder intensified.

  “What place is that?”

  Madison stared at the tiles on the floor. “You were right about my having feelings for Isabella. I can’t help that I’ve fallen for her, but everything’s wrong about it. If I don’t figure out how to back away from her, I’m afraid she’ll pull me under. What’s worse is this time, I might drown.”

  Bobbie stretched her legs, crossed her ankles, and rested her head against the wall. “Did you ever stop to think that you’ve been drowning all along? Maybe Isabella is the one who can finally pull you out.”

  Madison was tired of spending her life treading water to stay afloat. The situation with Isabella had too much stacked against it. Self-preservation was her primary concern. “I’m afraid in the end, she’ll only break my heart.”

  “How can you be so sure that will happen?”

  “Let’s see. We could start with her very close-knit Catholic family, including a brother who’s a priest, and a handsome successful boyfriend with a chip on his shoulder. And besides that, I’m the only woman she’s ever kissed.”

  “So, your instincts about her being straight were right. That certainly poses a problem. Unless of course, she’s not really straight and hasn’t figured it out yet.”

  “Or she’s looking for a temporary diversion from men. Trying lesbianism is sort of the in-thing these days with straight girls. I’m not interested in being her experiment or her vacation. What happens to me when the vacation ends and it’s time to go back to her cushy man-for-a-lover world?” Madison turned to Bobbie. “And what if I have to go back to Iraq?”

  “You go, and then you come home. It doesn’t have to be more complicated than that. Don’t think, by the way, that I didn’t catch that you said she kissed you. If you’re still thinking about it days after it happened, it must have been quite a kiss.”

  “Yeah, it was. It was unforgettable. If I let myself dwell on it too much, I’ll have to admit that it got completely under my skin.”

  “Did things go farther than a kiss?”

  “No. I apologized and left before things got out of hand. It shouldn’t have happened in the first place.”

  “I don’t think you’re being fair to her or to you. You’re jumping to conclusions without giving her a chance. You may not be the only one who’s struggling over what happened between the two of you. Stop sabotaging your life with excuses.”

  Bullshit had never been Bobbie’s style, and Madison appreciated that Bobbie rarely let the people around her get away with immersing themselves in it. Even now. “I guess I did leave rather abruptly that night. I probably should’ve been a better friend and stayed to talk more about what she was feeling.”

  “Call her and give both of you a chance. You’re never going to know if there’s anything between the two of you if you don’t. Who knows? Maybe you’ll turn out to be the love of each other’s lives, and you’ll live happily ever after. You can’t hide your emotions forever. One way or the other, they’ll catch up to you.”

  “I was a jerk. I’ve missed her all week. I’ll call her today. Even though it’s Friday, maybe I’ll get lucky and she won’t already have plans. I’d love to be able to see her tonight.”

  Bobbie put her arm around Madison. “Good. Now you’re using your heart instead of your head. I’ve got another idea. Why don’t I call Jackie and Karen to see if they want to go out dancing tomorrow night? You know I love to go out with you girls. It’s my chance to have a good time without having men clamoring for me. Maybe Isabella would want to join us. You should ask her. We haven’t all gotten together in a while. Having a little fun might help you out of this funk you’re in. I really prefer the confident, fun Madison to the brooding, insecure one who’s been around lately.”

  “Thanks a lot. I didn’t know my mood had been that bad.” The idea of going out dancing appealed to Madison. Even though the Army’s “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy had been repealed, she’d been around the military long enough to know that actual treatment didn’t always match official policy. She still needed to watch her step. “I hope you intended for us to go to the Camilla Club. If I go dancing, I want to go to a lesbian bar, and it needs to be one where I feel safe.”

  “Definitely, the Camilla’s safe for both of us. You don’t think Jerome would want me to go out clubbing anyplace other than a lesbian hangout, do you? He’s like most guys. He hopes I’ll see something juicy happen between two women and have a great story to tell him. Plus, he knows you’ll keep me out of trouble and he doesn’t have to worry about me straying. Not to mention, it’ll give him a chance to have the house to himself. He can invite his buddies over to smoke smelly cigars, drink beer, talk about women, and play po
ker.”

  Madison chuckled. “I get the part about women, beer, and playing poker, but smelly cigars, not so much. Dancing would be fun, a nice change of pace. Thanks for talking some sense into me. I’ll let you know how it goes with Isabella.”

  “You won’t get away with not telling me.”

  “That’s because you’re relentless.”

  “No, it’s because I love you and want you to finally be happy.”

  Madison gave Bobbie a quick hug. “I love you, too. Do you want me to be the designated driver tomorrow night, as usual?”

  “If you don’t mind. That always works for me.”

  “I like to keep my wits about me. I’m happy to drive. Give me a call later to let me know what time I should pick you up.”

  She stood and grabbed her gym bag. Yes, she would take this chance, especially since Isabella had said she wasn’t happy in her relationship with Ben. Maybe this really was an opportunity to have things go in a direction that would finally make her happy again. If the kiss they shared was a true indication of Isabella’s feelings for her, then chances were good.

  Chapter 8

  Ben rose from the worn oak chair. “Your honor, I’d like to call Mr. David Cutter as a character witness.” He fastened the button of his lamb’s-wool jacket and approached the witness box confidently.

  The General leaned close to Isabella and asked, “Do you think he can pull this off?”

  “Yes, I think with him asking you the right questions, it’s possible. Good luck.” Isabella helped him to his feet. He seemed more fragile with each new day.

  The General walked slowly to the front of the courtroom. Despite what Isabella had said to the General, she wasn’t entirely convinced Ben could win the motion. Ben had told her Judge Agnes rarely granted requests for a reduced sentence. The man to be sentenced, Carl Woods, wasn’t a hardened criminal. He was an Iraq war veteran who was battling a drug and alcohol addiction. If they could get him into a treatment program instead of a two-year prison sentence, he might be able to put his life back together. He had robbed a convenience store, however, with a concealed weapon, and that wasn’t going to win him any points with the judge.