Never a Bride

by Denise Hunter

  The moment suspended in the weighted air. Jane’s heart thumped in panic, in tempo with clattering dishes from the kitchen below.

  “All right, Jane. Have it your way.” His soft voice was like a caress to her ears.

  Jane heard his retreating steps, heard the click of the door as it closed, and sank into the bedding. Moments later, through the gauzy curtain, Jane watched Luke mount his horse and ride away.

  ❧

  Luke settled into the worn saddle and nudged his sorrel into motion. His mind had turned numb, so he let his mount carry him home without benefit of guidance.

  She blamed him. Her message couldn’t have been clearer.

  And of course, she was right. Who could dispute the fact that his negligence had spooked her horse? Shooting at a horse. Land’s sake, what kind of idiot was he? He’d known to take better care with his target since he’d been knee- high. Who knew what price Jane would pay for his stupidity? How could he deny he was to blame?

  He’d seen the sutures on her face in that brief moment before she’d turned away. The wound had been impossible to miss. It would fade in time, maybe disappear completely. Even if it didn’t, she would always be beautiful in his eyes. He’d just been relieved she was going to be all right. So relieved, he’d never considered she would blame him as much as he blamed himself. No wonder she had refused to see him. She hadn’t been overtired at all. Her mother and sister were just too polite to tell him the truth.

  Luke heaved a sigh and pulled down the brim of his felt hat, shielding his eyes from the sun. At least Cassy and Caleb were returning today. The distraction was just what he needed. And maybe Cassy could help Jane forgive him. The Lord knew he would never have intentionally hurt her. Surely Jane knew that.

  ❧

  “Jane?” Mrs. Cooper peeked through the door, then opened it wider and entered the room.

  “What is it, Mama?”

  The older woman settled on the edge of the mattress and smoothed Jane’s hair back from her face. “I saw Luke leave. He seemed upset. I thought perhaps you and he might visit a while. He’s been so concerned about you, and I know he was eager to see you.”

  Jane turned away. “I’m really tired just now, Mama. . . .”

  Mrs. Cooper stood abruptly. “I’m dreadfully weary of hearing that.”

  Jane started to speak, but her mother cut her off. “I know you’ve been through an ordeal the last few days, but you never seem tired unless the subject of Luke comes up.”

  “Mama. . . .”

  “No, Jane. Your sister and I have been making excuses to Luke for days now. I thought perhaps if I just sent him up, you’d get over whatever’s eating at you, but apparently I was wrong.”

  Jane bowed her head. She had been using her mother and sister as a buffer between herself and Luke, and that wasn’t fair. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to put you and Katy in the middle. I just don’t want to see him, that’s all.”

  Her mother’s voice softened. “I don’t want to pry, but Luke looked so sad as he left, I got the feeling you’ve broken his heart.” Jane felt her mother’s fingers gently lifting her chin until their eyes met. “Is that it, darling? You don’t return his feelings, and being around him has become awkward?”

  Jane shrunk away from her mother in surprise. “No, Mama, that’s not it at all.”

  “Then it’s a lovers’ quarrel. . . ?”

  “No.”

  Mrs. Cooper let out a puff of breath. “Well, for goodness’ sake, Jane, what in the world is it?”

  Jane snapped her head toward the window and clamped her jaw tight. Her mother would never understand. She’d been born beautiful. Jane’s father had told them many times the story of when they’d met at a cotillion. All the young men had been vying for her mother’s attention. “You wouldn’t understand.”

  “Try me.”

  Jane’s gaze snapped back to her mother’s as a swift shadow of anger swept through her. “Look at me, Mama! I’m scarred for life. Heaven knows I was never anything to look at, but look at me now! Why did God make me like this? How could He let this happen? No one will ever want me for their wife, much less Luke.” Jane twisted the coverlet with strong fingers, barely registering her mother’s shock. “Maybe Luke was interested in me before, but there’s no way he could ever be now! He’ll only pity me, and I’d rather have nothing than have that.” Jane saw tears trembling on her mother’s lashes and felt a moment of regret. “I want to be alone, Mama. Please.”

  The bedside window drew Jane’s gaze but, as she waited for her mother to leave, she saw nothing beyond the clear glass. The dark cloud that had weighed on her cleared, leaving Jane sorry she’d spoken so harshly. Finally, she heard her mother’s soft footsteps and the click of the door as it closed behind her.

  She angrily brushed away the moisture on her face, feeling the rough line of sutures. Why, God? Why did this have to happen? Just as I was beginning to accept myself. Just as I had fallen in love with a man who accepted me for who I am.

  What was she to do with her life now? She could never be content as an old maid now that she’d experienced the joy of love. And yet, no one would want her now. Not even Luke. She threw the covers away from her body, suddenly feeling very hot.

  Heavy footsteps sounded along the corridor outside her room, then the door flew open, and her mother stood rigidly in the doorway. Her expression was as stern as Jane had ever seen it, the laugh lines around her face gone smooth and her mouth a tight line of anger.

  Jane straightened against the headboard and pulled the cover back up, feeling much like a child about to be reprimanded.

  “I have a few things to say to you, Daughter, and I want you to listen closely.” She stepped into the room and closed the door behind her. Jane eyed her warily. “I can honestly say I’ve never been as disappointed in any of my children as I am right now. Do you know how fortunate you are, Jane Cooper?”

  Her voice grew louder, and Jane stared in shock as her gentle mother unleashed her anger. “You could have died a few days ago! Your father and I were scared half to death and pleaded for God’s mercy on your behalf. You should be thanking God, as we are, that you’re alive at all!”

  A wave of shame washed over her. She pulled up the quilt and clutched it with a tight fist.

  “You’re worried about Luke pitying you, but you have pitied yourself enough for everybody!” Her mother stepped closer and crossed her arms. “You have so much to be thankful for, Jane. You’re alive, you’re healthy, you have a family who loves you, a young man who, by all appearances, cares very much for you, and yet you pity yourself for a disfigurement that may disappear in weeks!”

  Jane’s gaze fell to her lap, unable to meet her mother’s eyes any longer.

  “I can think of dozens of people who are worse off than you. Remember Miss Wharton, back in Philadelphia? Born with a crippling disease and never able to walk even a single step! And that Earnheart boy who fell to his death from his horse? And Mr. Tackett, having that terrible mis-hap in the mill and losing his hand!”

  A fog smothered Jane, seeping into the corners of her heart, filling her with shame. A moment’s silence ensued until Jane thought she’d burst from the tension. She didn’t dare meet her mother’s eyes, having not had such a set-down in all her life.

  Her mother exhaled on a sigh, and her voice gentled. “God made you so special, Jane. With amazing talent and formidable strength and, yes, beauty.”

  Jane’s gaze shot to her mother’s as denial lumped in her throat.

  Her mother held up a hand to ward off her daughter’s words. “I know you don’t believe it, but you are beautiful. I’ve never seen anyone try so hard to hide their God-given attributes as you do. I’ve sensed you drifting from God for years now, and I don’t know what caused it, but I do know God wants you back. He wants a close relationship with you. And maybe when you draw closer to Him, you’ll see yourself through His eyes and see how truly lovely you are.”

  A shiver danced up her
spine as the words penetrated her stubborn heart. When Jane remained silent, her mother walked to the door, then turned on the threshold. “God doesn’t look on our outward appearances. He looks on our hearts.” With those words, she slipped quietly out the door.

  Jane released the blanket, her knuckles aching from the clenching hold, and turned to stare out the window. There had been a time when she’d been close to God, but it was so long ago. How had she come this far away from His presence? Her drifting had happened so slowly, she hadn’t even been aware it was happening.

  I do want to be close again, Lord. Words jammed in her mind. It had been so long since she’d prayed. I don’t like who I’ve become. Help me to see myself through Your eyes, beyond the flaws. With sudden clarity, Jane realized she’d been angry. Not just at her circumstances, but with God Himself. I’m sorry for blaming You and for my ungrateful spirit.

  Her gaze darted across the room to where Katy’s Bible rested on the bureau. How much time had passed since she’d opened the Word outside of church? How silly she’d been. What relationship could survive without communication?

  She eased her legs over the side of the bed and retrieved the Bible. Seating herself in the desk chair, she opened the Book to the first chapter of Matthew and began reading. She’d never read Matthew straight through and, as she saw Jesus go from a babe in swaddling clothes to a grown man, her heart identified with Him. His own people rejected Him. Spat upon, cursed, and crucified. The rejections she’d faced paled in comparison.

  And He endured it all for her. Tears welled in her eyes as she realized anew God’s incredible sacrifice. He’d died for her, and that alone made her worth something. Worth the cost of God’s own Son.

  She didn’t know how long she’d sat there reading and praying, but when she stood again, her childhood commitment had been renewed.

  She wanted to do something. She was tired of laying in bed, feeling sorry for herself. With newfound energy, she approached the armoire and selected a gray gown. She’d just finished dressing when a light tap sounded at the door. Wanting to surprise her visitor, she strode to the door and swung it open. “Cassy!”

  The sisters embraced, and then Cassy followed Jane into the room and shut the door.

  “I was so worried when Luke told us what happened. Don’t you know you could’ve been killed? And what were you doing on that horse anyway? Luke feels just awful, and Mama told me you weren’t coping well, but I get here, and you have a big grin on your face.”

  Jane chuckled at her sister’s babbling. Some things never changed. “So much has happened, Cassy. Come sit down, and I’ll tell you all about it.”

  After Jane had summarized the last four weeks, including her feelings about Luke, and her own self-doubt, she relived the accident, telling Cassy all she remembered. Sympathy lined Cassy’s face when Jane told how she’d struggled with the disfigurement and how she’d turned Luke away.

  “He thinks you blame him, you know,” Cassy said.

  “What?” Hot prickles of shock coursed through her.

  “He told Caleb and me what happened, but he blames himself for the accident. And after you turned him away, he thought you blamed him, too.”

  “But I don’t!” Jane felt an overwhelming need to release him from guilt. “I just felt so ugly, even before the scar, but after. . .I didn’t think he could possibly come to love me. And I didn’t want him to court me out of pity.”

  Cassy put her hand along Jane’s jaw. “Oh, Jane, you were never ugly! You have so much potential, but it’s as if you’re trying to hide it with that ghastly tight bun and those tiresome clothes. Why, if you made just a little effort, you’d see how pretty you are.”

  The disbelief that seized her must have shown on her face.

  “Let me help you, please, Jane? I can show you how to fix your hair, and we’ll make you some colorful dresses. . . .”

  Jane smiled at her sister’s enthusiasm as she rambled on, planning two new frocks, from the ribbons right down to the thread color.

  “Just wait until Luke sees you!” Cassy paused a moment, a secret smile playing on her lips. “I think he loves you.”

  Jane’s breath caught. She’d hoped his courting would bring about strong feelings for her, but love? Could Luke possibly love the woman she’d been?

  Suddenly, weariness overcame her, and she noticed her fingers trembling from exhaustion. “I’m so tired all of a sudden. And I haven’t even asked you about your honeymoon.”

  Cassy smiled contentedly. “I’ll tell you all about our adventures tomorrow. Mother invited Caleb and me over for dinner after church, as well as Luke and Elizabeth. How about if I come up afterward and fix you up?”

  “All right. No, wait! I want to go to church.”

  “Are you sure you’re up to it?”

  “Positive.”

  “Then I’ll come over early, and we’ll fix you up! Won’t Luke be surprised when he sees you at church? You’d better get some rest now.”

  Cassy placed a kiss on her sister’s cheek, and within moments she saw herself out as Jane sank into a pleasant, dream-filled state.

  sixteen

  The next morning Cassy arrived before daylight, but before she’d been there two minutes, she disappeared from the room. Minutes later she returned with shears in one hand and a gown in the other.

  Jane’s eyes widened, and she clutched her hair protectively. “You’re going to cut my hair?”

  Cassy set down the gown and settled her fists on her hips. “Have some faith, Jane. I’ve never ruined my hair or Katy’s.”

  Jane silently acquiesced. She was right. Besides, what did she have to lose? Her hair couldn’t look much worse than it did now. She peered into the mirror, taking one last look at herself before sitting on the chair that Cassy had set across the room. She draped a cloth around her shoulders and began snipping.

  Lengths of brown hair floated to the floor as Cassy worked on the sides. “After I’m finished cutting, I’ll curl these pieces around your face. How much do you want me to take off the back?”

  “Do you have to shorten it?” Something about seeing a part of her falling to the floor made her apprehensive.

  “You always wear your hair up anyway, so what difference will it make? Anyway, the shorter length will be easier to manage, and you won’t believe how much weight it’ll take off your head!”

  “All right, but no shorter than midback. And that gown you brought will never work. I’m a good four inches taller than you; it won’t even cover my ankles.”

  “That’s not my gown, it’s yours.”

  “I’ve never owned a periwinkle gown.”

  Cassy moved to her back. “I made the dress for you. I started weeks ago but put the project on hold while we were planning the wedding. Last night, I took it home and finished the hemming.”

  Her sister’s thoughtfulness warmed her. She turned her head and met her gaze. “I really appreciate this, Cassy.”

  She was rewarded with a teeth-baring smile. “I’m having as much fun as you are, Jane.” Cassy leveled a mock glare. “Now turn around and sit still so I can do my job.”

  When her hair was cut, Cassy had her slip into the gown, but refused to allow Jane to look in the mirror. “Not yet. I want you to get the full effect.”

  Next, she put curls around her face, then pulled her hair up loosely. At first, Jane balked at the ribbon that Cassy started to tie in place. She didn’t want to overdo it. But, she finally relented at her sister’s argument. “Every young woman I know wears ribbons in her hair, why should you be any different?”

  The sun was well over the horizon by the time her hair was finished. When Jane tried to rise from the chair and go to the mirror, Cassy stopped her with a hand on her shoulder. “Just a minute.”

  Jane sighed impatiently. “What now, for goodness’ sake?”

  Cassy pinched her cheeks.

  “Ow! What was that for?”

  Her sister giggled and continued to pinch, being careful t
o avoid the sutures. “Oh, the price of beauty. Just putting the blush in your cheeks. Now bite your lips.”

  Jane barely suppressed the urge to roll her eyes, but did as directed. Next, Cassy applied powder to conceal the yellowish bruises.

  “That’s it—perfect.” She rearranged a few curly strands, then straightened the ruffles around the collar. “All right. Go look.”

  Jane walked on shaky legs to the bureau mirror. This was the moment of truth. Would she look better than she had yesterday, or would she only be disappointed when she saw her reflection? Her stomach clenched in nervous anticipation.

  She reached the bureau and lifted her lashes to examine her image. Jane drew in a quick gasp. The difference was . . .indescribable. Her face was mostly the same; her sister hadn’t done much there. But somehow the wisps of hair now framing her face brought out her almond-shaped eyes. Her new bangs showed off the arch of her brows and hid the raised bump on her forehead.

  And her skin exuded a pinkish glow. Not just where Cassy had pinched, but all over.

  “Doesn’t that color bring out your lovely skin tone?”

  “I can hardly believe my eyes.” Jane turned sideways, keeping her gaze on the mirror, studying her hair. The ringlets atop her head made her look feminine and softer.

  The dress was a perfect fit. She twirled and watched the skirts float around her.

  Cassy giggled. “I used one of your dresses for the measurements. Not bad, I must say.”

  “It’s perfect. And the bodice. . .makes me look more. . .”

  “Shapely? With a few tucks and lace, a woman can do remarkable things to fool the eye.” She put an arm around Jane and smiled at her in the mirror. “See, Jane. You are pretty; you just didn’t know it.”

  “Girls!” Mrs. Cooper called from downstairs. “Time for breakfast, get a move on.”

  Jane gave her sister one last squeeze, then the two went to join their family. She could hardly wait to see their reactions, but more than anything, she hoped Luke would like her new look.