The List

by Alice Ward

  Seth pursed his lips. “I saw you text someone before. Was it your roommate?”

  I held my ground. “No. I was responding to an email. Look, I really need to go.”

  “What does he have that I don’t?” Seth took another step closer to me. We were only a couple feet apart now. I could see the flecks of gold and green in his eyes.

  “Why are you asking me this?” I demanded. The constant pestering was getting to me. My nerves were gone. Now I was just angry at the guy standing in front of me. If I wanted to leave the date, I should get to leave. It shouldn’t feel like I was trying to break out of prison.

  “You didn’t answer my question. What does Xavier have that I don’t?”

  “Nothing,” I hissed. “Absolutely nothing.”

  I had to clench my teeth together while I spoke. If I didn’t, I’d start screaming. Xavier had a hundred things Seth didn’t. He was attentive and passionate. Those were the things that almost made me stay. Almost. But when it came down to it, the reasons to leave overwhelmed the reasons to stay. Not that any of it was Seth’s business.

  “You still seeing him?”

  I glanced over his shoulder. “The driver is waiting for you.”

  Seth shrugged. “He gets paid to wait. He can sit around for a few more minutes. You didn’t answer my question. Are you still seeing Xavier?”

  “No,” I nearly snapped, crossing my arms. “And it’s not really your business. That’s part of my private life.”

  “Just wondering,” he said, his tone scathing. “I didn’t think so, but you never know. Xavier usually gets tired of girls after a week, but something could have changed.”

  His words burned me, half feeling like the falling out with Xavier all over again. “Well, I guess you know him better than I do.” Clenching my fingers around my purse strap, I stepped past Seth.

  “Still, it was nice of him to pass you on to me.”

  His words made me stop midstride. “That’s a disgusting way to look at it.”

  “No, I think it’s just the obvious way. You’re on the list, after all.”

  With legs that felt like concrete was flowing through them, I slowly turned to look at him. “What are you talking about?”

  Seth’s face was flat. “You don’t know about the list? We’ve been keeping it for years. It’s a file with the names of all the women we’ve slept with.” He grinned, and I shivered from the wicked glint living in his expression. “Xavier has added the most names to it, for sure.”

  Seth’s words echoed in my head. I thought I got what he was saying, but maybe I didn’t… It didn’t make sense, after all. A list of women they’d fucked?

  “You’re making this up.”

  He winked. “Nope. I’m not.”

  In an instant, somehow, I knew the truth… he wasn’t lying.

  I licked my dry lips and cleared my throat, trying to get rid of the feel of cotton there. “You’re telling me… that you two have a… a list… of names of girls?”

  “Us and a couple other guys, yeah. I guess it’s not surprising that Xavier didn’t tell you about it. He’s not really one to share information about himself.”

  “Why is there a list? What do you do with it?” Even as I asked the questions, I could take a stab at what the answers would be.

  His eyes flicked down my body. “We share girls. Not at the same time.” He smiled like he’d made a joke. “It’s just for when we get tired of them. You know, if Xavier wants to hook up with a blonde who likes bondage, he can go to the list and find a blonde who has bondage as a keyword, and ta-da. Makes it pretty easy.”

  I couldn’t answer. My ears were burning, and my heart was in so much pain I thought I was about to collapse. Xavier kept a list of the women he’d fucked. This wasn’t a joke. It wasn’t a dream. When I kicked Xavier out of my apartment, it had been because of the way he treated me. Little did I know how deep the issue really went.

  “But he did at least tell you about his little fight club hobby, didn’t he?” Seth asked.

  I ground my teeth together. I didn’t want to answer, didn’t want to beg to hear more. I should have turned and run away, but I couldn’t. I was glued to the sidewalk, some dark, sad part of me wanting and needing to hear every sordid detail Seth was willing to give.

  Seth didn’t need my encouragement to go on. “He picks guys out of Enigma’s crowd and fights them. Takes them into the alley and starts throwing punches.”

  The last part was too much. My knees shook, actually threatening to buckle. I needed to get out of here. Now. My eyes burned, but I blinked away the tears. This man was not going to see me break down.

  “Thank you for the info,” I said, my voice dripping ice. “But I didn’t ask for it, and I need to get going.”

  I turned back around and rushed down the sidewalk.

  “Call me when you want to come over,” Seth called after me, his tone such a cocktail of humor and earnestness that I couldn’t tell whether he was joking or being serious. “I like water sex too.”

  The words made me flinch but I kept going, each step I took quicker and harder than the last. Xavier told him about the lake. My stomach churned, each rotation bringing bile closer and closer to my throat. Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore. I rounded a corner and collapsed against a wall. Covering my face with my hands, I focused on my breathing.

  Xavier forces people to fight him for fun… Xavier keeps a list of women he’s had sex with... He shares it with other men.

  My hands dropped as my head snapped back up. And I was on that list.

  My phone started ringing. With shaking hands, I reached into my purse and pulled it out.

  “Hello?”

  “Riley!” Ann-Marie nearly shouted. “What happened? Where are you? Are you okay?”

  “No. No, I’m definitely not okay.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY SIX

  Xavier

  I leaned back in my desk chair and stretched my arms above my head. The bunched-up muscles in my shoulders groaned in relief. It was almost time for my morning break. I’d hit the building’s gym for thirty minutes, shower, and have just enough time to make it to the eleven o’clock meeting.

  I’d been killing it like a motherfucker the last few weeks. I could work like no one else I knew, but this month had been one of the most productive ones of my life. With no women to distract me and the fights outside of Enigma not enticing me anymore, all I had left was work. Which was great. I’d signed two new deals this month. Employee productivity in the New York office was going through the roof. With me around nonstop to provide my staff with attention, everyone was working harder and delivering better results.

  Things were ideal. When I was working, that was. Nights were another matter entirely. I’d developed a new schedule in order to deal with them. After leaving the office, I’d hit the gym again and push myself to the brink of exhaustion. Then I’d have dinner, take a shower, and hit my bed. If I was lucky, I’d fall right asleep.

  Most of the time, I wasn’t that fortunate. I’d end up lying awake for hours, going over everything that happened between Riley and me. That invariably led to me going over everything that happened between me and every single other woman in my life, my mother included.

  That train of thought was a dead end. Because no matter how hard I tried, I still couldn’t see a way out. I’d done some real damage in my time, but what was done was done. I couldn’t change now. Fuck, I wouldn’t know where to begin. I tried calling my mother several times over the last weeks, but I always hung up before she answered.

  Wanting to do the right thing was one thing. Actually doing it was a whole other matter entirely.

  With a huff, I started to loosen my tie and stand up. Shouting from outside my closed door made me pause.

  “You can’t go in there!” the familiar voice of my front desk secretary said.

  The door flew open, and Riley entered my office. My hand froze on my tie. It was like a dream, having her appear like this. She looked alm
ost wild. Like she’d just stepped out of one of my fantasies. Her hair was loose and slightly tangled, her cheeks red and her eyes flashing with intensity. She came to an abrupt halt, crossed her arms and stared me down.

  Janice ran in after her. “I’m sorry, Mr. Fields. I told her she couldn’t come in without an appointment.”

  I held my palm up to calm the situation. “It’s all right. Thank you. She can come in.”

  Janice gulped air like a fish. She must have chased Riley down the entire main hallway. “Yes, sir,” she gasped, before leaving.

  The door clicked closed. Riley and I both remained where we were, staring each other down. I’d sent Kenneth on errands a couple hours ago. It would be at least another hour before he returned. For the time being, Riley and I were all alone.

  “Hello,” I said.

  Her chin lifted, the defiance in the movement clear. “So, what’s up with this list I heard about? And you beating up innocent people outside of Enigma?”

  Her words were a sucker punch. I opened my mouth to answer, but only air escaped. I didn’t know what surprised me more, the fact that Riley knew about my secrets, or the fact that she’d just barged into my office like a total badass. The girl I first met weeks ago would never have done something like this.

  “Hello to you too,” I answered, in an attempt to kill time while I figured out how best to approach what was happening.

  Riley rolled her eyes. “You’re sick. Really. You need to be in therapy, Xavier. Or an insane asylum.”

  “I probably do.” Her arms fell down at her sides, and she looked at me in surprise. “I know I’m a fucked-up bastard. Did you come over here just to tell me that?”

  Her eyelashes rapidly fluttered in that way they sometimes did when she was aroused. Except right now, she wasn’t turned on. Right now, she was furious. And we could address that in a moment, but first, we needed to get some things straight.

  “Where did you hear these rumors?” I demanded.

  “Are they rumors or are they the truth?”

  “Answer my question,” I growled, quickly crossing the floor and closing the distance between us. The speed at which I came at Riley made her eyes widen in surprise. She jerked back slightly but didn’t step away.

  “Where did you hear these things?” I asked.

  “You’re dodging the question,” she breathed, her hot exhales hitting my neck. “Is what I heard true or not true?”

  “It was Seth, wasn’t it?” My vision blurred from the quick anger that hit me. “Fuck!” That smarmy little weasel. I should have known years ago that he would one day do something like this. He didn’t have the same things at stake as Davis, Julian, and I did. With him getting his money from his mommy and daddy, he didn’t have real life issues to worry about. The revelation of our list wouldn’t affect him the same way it would the rest of us.

  If Seth had told Riley about the list and my fights, it was unlikely his blabbing ended there. Who knew who else the prick was revealing information to?

  This was bad. Really bad.

  “I’m not here about Seth,” Riley said. “I’m here to see you.”

  I turned and looked back at her. The anger in her face was gone, but what was there now was even harder to look at. Her eyes brimmed with sadness, disappointment… and pity.

  “Riley,” I said, my voice cracking over her name.

  I couldn’t go on. There was nothing else to say. What could I tell her? That I was sorry? I wasn’t.

  “So, it’s true. You have a list of women you’ve had sex with, and you pick fights.”

  “I only fight men who deserve it. Men who are putting the girls at the club at risk.”

  “And what about the girls you put on the list?” Her lower lip trembled. “Do you only add girls who deserve it?”

  “They’re not forced,” I quickly said. “It’s just a list of contacts, like Facebook or LinkedIn.”

  Riley barked out a dry laugh. “If you honestly believe that, then I feel sorry for you, Xavier Fields. Really, really sorry.”

  Her eyes brimmed with tears. I ached to reach up and brush them away, but I couldn’t do that. It wasn’t my place. It might have been what I wanted to do in the moment, but in the long run, it wouldn’t be right.

  I chose my words carefully. This might be the last time I ever saw Riley, and I wanted to be honest with her. For once. “That list was started years ago. Yes, I’m still a part of the group that uses it. I add names to it. I have pursued women who were on it. I’m coming to see that it’s a juvenile use of my time… and that it’s not the most respectful thing to do.”

  My throat swelled. Here I was, all these years thinking that the way I treated women was fair. Fuck, I knew it wasn’t nice. I knew it wasn’t conventional. But since when had my life plan involved any of those things? I’d been busy working to get ahead, busy keeping myself distanced from others, busy making sure I didn’t turn into the kind of prick my father was. I guess I’d tried too hard and become the exact kind of person I despised.

  I wanted to tell Riley at least some of this, but the words snagged in the back of my mouth. I was frozen with fear. The idea of letting her know about my past, about anything that had happened to me, was too terrifying to face.

  Riley’s face didn’t change in reaction to my words. She kept looking at me like she was so sad she could barely stand it. “Am I on the list?”

  Pain shot through my chest. No way was I answering that one.

  “Xavier?” Her voice was strong, forceful. “Tell me if I’m on the list, and don’t you dare lie to me.” She swallowed, and her voice became thick with emotion. “I’ve dealt with a lot between us, and I’ve put up with most of it. But don’t you lie to me about this. Just tell me the truth.”

  Her plea pulled the answer out of me. “Yes. You’re on it.”

  Riley’s eyes flashed, making her look like a wild animal. “Since when?”

  “Since the day at the coffee shop.”

  “Oh my God,” she gasped, her hand flying to her mouth. “When you came over to my apartment that night, you weren’t trying to get back together. You just wanted...”

  “No,” I nearly shouted. “I wanted you, Riley.”

  “In what capacity, Xavier? When you say you want me, what does that mean? Because normal people mean one thing when they say that, but you always mean something different.”

  I seized her by the shoulders and held on to her, afraid that she’d turn and run away at any second. “I went to see you because I couldn’t stand the fucking idea of never seeing you again. I couldn’t stand the thought of Seth’s hands on you. Is that enough of an answer?”

  Riley sadly shook her head. “No. It’s not. You’re essentially saying that you don’t want me but no one else can have me either.”

  She was right. It was what I was saying, except… I did want her, desperately. I just couldn’t have her and that knowledge was driving me mad. And I didn’t know what to do with it.

  “Then what do you want from me?” I asked, unable to keep the bitterness from the words.

  “You…” Tears brimmed, but she held them at bay. “I just wanted you. I wanted to see who you are. I wanted to share your ups and downs. That’s what people do, Xavier. I wanted that for us.”

  Her saying it all in past tense sent a debilitating jolt of pain through me. She was done with me. Actually done. I’d spent the last few weeks thinking I was over her, only to have her waltz into my office and discover I wasn’t. But it wasn’t the same for her. I’d hurt her and nothing could make things better.

  I couldn’t stop my hands from doing what they did next. Slipping down her sides, they seized her waist, pulling her toward me. Riley collapsed against me with a gasp, and our lips collided. Her sweet, unique taste filled me up.

  I waited for her to push me away. When I realized she wasn’t going to, a new force took me over. Seizing her ass, I lifted her up and carried her over to my desk. I deposited her on the edge of it, centering mys
elf between her open thighs. Riley wrapped her legs around me, welcoming me in.

  Our hands moved like the wind, clinging and clutching. I couldn’t get enough of her hair or soft skin. Each time my fingers found a new inch of her body, they ached to discover the next part. Riley dug her heels into my back, pressing me against her with a hunger I’d never seen from her.

  Without warning, her mouth broke away from mine. She turned her head to the side and covered her face with her hands. “Oh my God,” she whispered. “What am I doing?”

  I forced her hands away from her face. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

  “But you did. And you hurt other people too. Maybe not directly, but you disrespected them. You used women like they were things, which is the same thing as punching someone in the face.”

  Her words hit home. She was right. I’d already figured it out, but to hear her voice the truth burned like a motherfucker. I dropped my hands from her and stepped back. She took the opportunity and slid to the floor. “I need to get out of here.”

  “Don’t go.” The words were such a surprise, I could hardly believe they came from my own mouth.

  Riley didn’t look at me as she rushed to the door. “I have to.”

  She didn’t bother closing the door behind her. I stared at the empty space she disappeared through, my head pounding and my blood boiling a raging path through my veins.

  A long string of curses left my lips. I started to clutch at my hair but stopped. I didn’t need to take my anger out on myself. Not when there was a certain person out there who was very deserving of receiving it.

  I counted to ten nearly a thousand times on the ride to Seth’s place. It didn’t do any good. By the time I arrived at his front stoop, I was more furious than I’d been when Riley told me what he’d done.

  The doorman, recognizing me, let me right up. I sailed up the elevator and pounded on Seth’s front door. I was counting on the chance of him being home. I didn’t bother calling first because if I’d gotten him on the phone, I would have lost my shit and ruined the opportunity to lay into him in person.