The List

by Alice Ward

  “I need to go home,” she announced.

  I touched her elbow, afraid to let her take so much as one step away from me. “Come back to my place.”

  “Why?”

  “Because… it’s closer. You can take a shower, and I’ll make you something to eat.”

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

  “We need to talk.”

  She rubbed her temples. “Do you have another secret to reveal to me?”

  “Something like that,” I answered, the words feeling thick on my tongue.

  Riley closed her eyes for a few seconds, looking as if she might be thinking or praying. Finally, she opened them. “Okay. Let’s go.”

  CHAPTER THIRTY THREE

  Riley

  I tilted my face toward the shower’s spray. The warm water hit my eyelids and cheeks with forceful splatters. Each drop washed away a second of the day. Ounce by ounce, the water cleansed me of my fears and worries.

  Lathering up some soap, I washed every inch of my skin. Xavier’s shower was the most luxurious one I’d ever seen, with two showerheads and a long bench for sitting down. It almost seemed wrong to be enjoying it all by myself.

  I turned the water off and grabbed a towel before I could let myself go with that train of thought. Things were done between me and Xavier. Just because I stood in his apartment getting cleaned up didn’t mean anything. He’d said he wanted to talk, so we were going to talk. After that, I’d leave.

  And probably never see him again.

  The thought made me ache with pain. It was easier convincing myself I was moving on from Xavier when he wasn’t right in front of me. I’d broken at his office the other day, and I was afraid that being in his apartment meant I would break again. I had to be careful. I needed to take care of myself. I hadn’t on Seth’s yacht, but I needed to do so now.

  I dried off and put my dress back on. Xavier had left a shirt and shorts hanging on the door for me, but I couldn’t put them on. Doing so would be taking the first step on a very slippery slope.

  With my hair still damp, I left the bathroom and entered a silent apartment. I trekked slowly down the hallway, peeking around the doorway of each room in search of Xavier.

  I found him in the dining room. There was a spread of take-out boxes and plates on the table, but he wasn’t sitting in front of them. Instead, he stood looking out the window, his hands clasped behind his back.

  “Hey,” I said.

  He jerked in surprise and turned to look at me. “Hey. Have a seat. I had some Indian delivered. I didn’t know what you would want, so I got a few different things.”

  “Thanks.” It felt so weird to be grateful to him after everything that had gone down. I briefly wondered if I’d been too hard on him, but I quickly pushed that thought away. Xavier was a big boy. He made his own decisions, all while knowing what the repercussions might be.

  I took a seat in the middle of the table but didn’t touch anything. I hadn’t eaten since breakfast, but I had no appetite. My stomach was a messed up bunch of jumbled nerves. At this point, I felt like I’d never be able to eat again.

  Xavier stayed where he was, his hands still behind his back. “How are you doing? Do you need anything?”

  “I’m fine.”

  He looked me in the eye. “Do you need to see someone? Talk to anyone?”

  I stared at him in confusion. “No, I already called Ann-Marie, so… oh.” I snapped my mouth shut as I realized what he was getting at. “Seth didn’t touch me. I mean, he grabbed my wrist and tried to kiss me, but I pulled away from him.”

  Xavier sharply inhaled. “If I had known you were going to go out there with him...”

  “But you did know.”

  Xavier paled.

  “You did know,” I repeated. “You put my name on that list, Xavier, knowing that he might look me up. So don’t act like you’re trying to keep me out of danger. You’re the man who put me in it. Yeah, I walked onto that yacht today because I had my own reasons for it, but I wouldn’t have come up with those reasons if I’d never met you or Seth.”

  “Your own reasons,” he echoed.

  I crossed my arms and nodded. Let him try and figure out just what I’d been up to.

  “Ann-Marie told me you were trying to get access to the list.”

  I gasped. “What? When?”

  “This morning. I went to your apartment to talk to you. She told me you’d gone sailing with Seth and that you wanted to get your hands on the list.”

  “She didn’t tell me that,” I muttered. “I just talked to her before getting in the shower.”

  A hint of a smile appeared on one corner of his mouth. “Perhaps she thought you would be angry with her.”

  I stared at him, my mouth hanging open. So Xavier was Ann-Marie’s confidante now? At what point did the world turn upside down?

  I looked at my lap, searching for the next thing to say. I no longer felt as cocky as I had a few minutes ago.

  A chair scraped back, and Xavier took the seat across from me. “I’m glad you’re all right. When I thought...” He swallowed hard. “We got to the yacht, and we didn’t see you anywhere. I thought something had happened to you.”

  I watched his face, trying to gauge the earnestness of his statement. “Really?”

  “Yes.”

  “I have to be honest, it’s kind of hard to believe anything you say. You kept such a big thing from me. How can I believe anything now?”

  “Good point,” he conceded.

  “However...”

  He arched an eyebrow.

  “You did come after me,” I finished. “And I need to thank you for that. I don’t know what would have happened if you and...”

  “Julian,” he offered.

  “Right. I don’t know what would have happened if you and Julian hadn’t come out there.” A shudder threatened to ripple across my skin, but I suppressed it. I couldn’t lose myself to my emotions. Not in front of Xavier.

  “Seth isn’t a guy to be trusted with anything,” Xavier said. “Not even his own safety.”

  “But how are you any different?”

  He looked at me with sad eyes. “Maybe I’m not that much different than him.”

  His answer took me by surprise. I was expecting a response that was at least a little more defensive.

  Xavier laid his arms on the table and wound his fingers together. The sight of those familiar hands, ones that hadn’t touched me in so long, sent a painful longing through my body. This whole thing was so incredibly unfair. I had no business whatsoever being hung up on this guy, but here I was. I sat across him in his dining room, acting like I hated him, but all the while feeling horrendously conflicted.

  I hated the things Xavier had done, but I didn’t hate him. I wished to God that I could. If life really were that simple, it would be awesome. But things weren’t that black and white. They’d never be.

  Xavier stared at a spot on the wall like it had all the answers he looked for. Noticing me watching him, he moved his gaze to mine. “I’ve spent my life trying to do things right, and it turns out I’ve just been fucking everything up.”

  “It’s not that hard. Doing the right thing, I mean. You just treat people the way you want to be treated.”

  “So I’ve heard. But most of my life, I’ve just wanted to be left alone.”

  “Oh,” I said sadly. “Then I can’t help you.”

  “I don’t want that anymore. Riley, I want to know you. I want to wake up in the morning and see you next to me.”

  A swell of emotions rose in me. I was happy and scared. Excited and furious. But mostly angry. “You can’t do this to me. You can’t just turn on a dime and come to me telling me you want me in your life, when just a few weeks ago you told me I could only be your once-in-a-while girl.”

  “I was wrong,” he nearly shouted. “I was stupid. I was fucking confused, and I didn’t know how to deal with what was happening between us. You’re more to me than any woman has ever
been. Can you understand that, Riley? Can you believe me? Because even if you don’t, I’m going to work the rest of my life to make sure you one day do.”

  My lower lip shook. I bit down on it to stop it from moving. “How can you possibly say you care for me after everything you’ve done? A person like you doesn’t care about anyone, Xavier.”

  “I know,” he quietly said.

  “Stop agreeing with me!” I yelled, slamming my palms down onto the table. “Just tell me the truth. Tell me the truth!” A dry sob racked my chest. Tears pooled in my eyes, but I no longer made an attempt to hold them back. Let Xavier see what he did to me. Let him know just how broken and beat down I felt.

  Now that I was opening up, I couldn’t stop the words from flowing from my mouth. They rushed out, one after the other, an endless stream of confessions. “I opened myself up to you. It had been a year since I did that. And I took a real chance. The last time I cared for a guy, he broke my heart. Do you know what that feels like? Do you get how hard it is to move on after something like that?”

  The whites of Xavier’s eyes were turning red. “I’m sorry that happened to you. Do I understand what it’s like? I don’t know. I’ve spent years on my own. I don’t think the same way as it seems most other people do.”

  “So you just proved my point,” I sobbed. “Us being together will do no good.”

  I pushed my chair back and stood up. I took a few steps to leave, but Xavier was suddenly in front of me. He blocked my way, his body and face obscuring my vision. One of his hands pressed against the back of my head and the other cupped my jaw.

  “Riley,” he whispered.

  I closed my eyes and braced myself for the onslaught of emotions. It was no use. They dug their claws into me and dragged me down, deep into a dark well. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think. I loved this man. It wasn’t fair. There existed all this love in my heart, all this passion, and there was nothing I could do with it. I just had to stand by and watch it fade and die.

  Xavier said my name again, making it all too much.

  “The list,” I gasped.

  “I shouldn’t have taken part in it.”

  I opened my eyes and looked at him. “Who has access to it? Is it just you and Seth?”

  Xavier’s jaw ticked. “I can’t tell you that. I won’t betray the other men.”

  “So you’re still loyal to it.”

  “No. I won’t add women to it anymore. I won’t pick women from it. I have what I want right here, Riley.” I tried to look away from him, but he tightened his grip on my head and forced me to retain eye contact. “Do you get that? You’re the one I want.”

  “But what about everyone else? You’re just going to stand here and let that list exist? You’re going to let women be used?”

  “It’s not that simple. There’s an agreement. There are rules...”

  “I don’t care about your rules.” I forced myself away from his hold. “I don’t care about your stupid club, or whatever it is you’re a part of. I care about you, Xavier.”

  I started crying again. I looked like a fool, and I felt like one. I needed to get out of here. Every minute I stayed made my eventual departure worse. I quickly stepped around Xavier and rushed the doorway. I snatched my purse from the hook in the foyer and threw myself out the door.

  No more of this. I had to stop trying. I had opened my heart up, and it got broken again. Now I was left alone with the pieces. And Xavier might think that he’d been hurt too, but he had no clue what he’d done to me. I would be cleaning up this mess for a long time. Maybe for the rest of my life.

  CHAPTER THIRTY FOUR

  Xavier

  She cares about me.

  I wasn’t sure how long I stood there, frozen, my feet and brain unable to function. Her words had taken me by such surprise that I was robbed of my ability to think. “I care about you,” she’d said.

  After everything that happened, after all of the painful shit I’d put her through, she still cared for me. I’d hoped that would be the case, but I also knew I didn’t deserve Riley’s affections.

  But I could work toward them. I could try, every day for the rest of my life, to be better than I’d been. But first, I needed to convince Riley to stay. I had to make her believe that I was worth sticking around for.

  Starting now.

  “Riley!”

  I snapped out of my daze as I threw the front door of my place open. The hallway sat empty, no sign of her anywhere. I rushed for the elevator, praying she hadn’t made it that far yet.

  I turned the corner—the elevator doors were closed. Curses flew from my mouth as I frantically pounded the call button. Once Riley walked out of this building, my chances of winning her over would dramatically decrease. With each physical step she took away from me, she’d be taking a mental step as well. Soon, I’d be nothing to her but a distant memory. A painful regret.

  The elevator doors opened, and I pushed my way through them. The cables couldn’t take me down fast enough. I’ve missed her. There’s no way she’s still in this building.

  I clenched my hands and counted the seconds as they passed by. When the elevator doors opened again, I threw myself into the lobby just in time to see Riley stepping through the front doors.

  “Riley!” My call echoed in the lobby. Both Riley and the doorman, his hand on the open door, turned and looked at me. I ran across the floor and stopped a few feet away from her.

  When her eyes met mine, hers were full of sadness. “Please don’t do this, Xavier. Just let me walk away, all right? Make it easy on me for once.”

  “No. I can’t do that.”

  I glanced at the doorman, who still stood with the door wide open. When my eyes fell on him, he dropped his face.

  “Let’s talk about this,” I told Riley. “Somewhere private.”

  She stiffened. “That’s what we were just doing.”

  “I know, but I have more to say.”

  She threw her hands up in frustration. “What more could you possibly say? You told me you realized you were in the wrong, but you’re still allowing that… thing… to continue.”

  “I know, and it’s—”

  “Complicated. Right. I got that.”

  “But you and I aren’t. Not anymore. I can’t go on without you near me. Do you get that?” I cut my hand through the air, desperately attempting to express how serious I was. “I’ve fucked up just about everything in my life that isn’t business. And I want to tell you some things. I’m not using them as an excuse, I just… I think that if you know more about me, it might help you to understand me.”

  Riley placed her hands on her hips. She was intrigued, but not yet convinced. “What kind of things?”

  “Things about my… life. Growing up, I mean. And now.” I gulped and looked over at the doorman again. He was just as close to me as Riley was, a third wheel in this very personal conversation. I looked back at Riley. “We can’t do this somewhere more personal?”

  “No,” she tartly responded.

  She was testing me. She was pushing me to my breaking point. It drove me crazy but made me love her even more. The doorman pointedly looked out the window and studied the pedestrians going by. When I imagined exposing myself to Riley, baring my soul to her, I didn’t think it would be done in front of the part-time doorman whose name I couldn’t remember. But if it meant doing this or losing Riley, then fine. I’d do whatever it took to keep her by my side.

  A lump formed in my throat and joined the tightness in my chest. They were recognizable sensations. All my life, they’d held me back. Any time I’d thought about revealing my truth to someone, fear took over. It stopped me from becoming the person I really wanted to be. But not any longer. The pain might still be present, but I wouldn’t let it stop me. I would push forward despite it. I would become something more. I would create more for myself. More for Riley.

  I took in a deep breath and went for it. “I knew you were something special the moment I first saw you. I t
ried to explain it away, to tell myself you were just a unique girl and that anyone would think the same thing. But now I know the truth. You were special to me because you were made for me. I know this sounds stupid, but it’s fucking true, Riley. I just couldn’t admit it sooner. It’s… hard. I grew up in a family that didn’t show affection and appreciation. The only time my dad ever touched my mom was when he hit her.”

  Riley’s lashes danced in surprise. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know that.”

  “Because I didn’t want you to know that. I don’t tell people about my life. I carry it around with me, but I make sure to always keep it a secret. Everyone has their own burdens to worry about. I don’t ask anyone to help me with mine.”

  “I would,” Riley said, her voice and face so earnest my heart squeezed.

  “I know you would. That’s one of the things that’s so special about you. Look, I’m bringing this up because I want you to know what this has been like for me. I don’t know how to let someone in because I promised myself I wouldn’t. I promised myself I would never become like my parents.”

  “Xavier—”

  “Hold on. There’s more. That choice was foolish. Along with it, I made other foolish choices. I hunted men at the club, men who were fucking with girls. I thought that by taking them outside and fighting them, I was enacting some justice. I thought I was a kind of hero.”

  “That’s who you fight? Guys who… bother girls?”

  “Yes.”

  Riley’s eyes grew hazy and took on a faraway look. “Wow.”

  A woman came up to the doorway. I took Riley’s elbow and pulled her over to the wall. “I only fight men who deserve it.”

  “I don’t know, Xavier, it still sounds brutal.”

  “I am brutal,” I said, the truth of the words a heavy burden.

  Her lips pressed tightly together. “Yeah. I guess you are.” She looked down at her hands, which were twisting together against her dress. “I don’t know what to say to all of this.”

  “I understand if you don’t have anything to say right now. I just couldn’t let you go without telling you these things. I haven’t been fair to you. I’ve hidden myself while you’ve exposed yourself.”