The List

by Alice Ward

  “It’s understandable,” she said, then sighed. “I suppose. Was it really bad? With your parents?”

  I gritted my teeth. “My mom has had more than one broken bone. She didn’t get them from falling down the stairs or walking into a door, as much as she’d like for the ER nurses to believe that.”

  Riley’s eyes grew wet, and one big tear slid down her cheek. “Thank you for telling me this. It gives me something to think about.”

  There was a painful finality in her words. She might not be staying after all, I realized. She might still be turning around and walking out of my life. I’d hurt her that bad.

  “There’s more,” I blurted out. “There’s more. Don’t go. I love you. I love you so much, Riley. You’re mine. I know I’ve already said that, but I mean it in every way. You’re supposed to be mine. Forever. Somehow, I just fucking know it.”

  Riley’s eyes went wider than I’d ever seen them. “I… I...”

  I seized her waist and pulled her to me, my lips silencing her words. I pressed her as hard against me as I could while I kissed her. If I could, I would have molded our bodies together. I would have made us one person.

  Riley broke the kiss and took a half step back. Her eyes were still bright and big, making her look like she was in shock. I kept my hand on her back. I wasn’t moving it from her until I was forced to.

  She stared at me for the longest time. It was a moment that seemed like it would never end. Even as she opened her lips to speak, the half second passed by as if in slow motion.

  “Take me upstairs,” she said softly.

  They were the most beautiful words I’d ever heard. I almost wished they’d never been uttered, that’s how good they were. They were so amazing they hurt. They pierced me in the chest and injected me with a kind of sensation I’d never experienced.

  Love.

  That’s what it was. Amazement. Wonder. This extraordinary woman wanted to be mine.

  Twisting my fingers in hers, I pulled her toward the elevator. I caught a glimpse of the doorman on our way across the floor. He gave me a thumbs-up.

  Within seconds, we were in the elevator, our hands and mouths all over each other. I pressed Riley against the wall and planted kisses along her neck. She rolled her head back and pushed her hips against me. I was on fire, my skin and muscles burning with delirious need.

  The steps we took back to the apartment happened as if on a merry-go-round. We spun out of the elevator and down the hall. The door gave against our combined weight, and we tumbled into the foyer.

  I managed to kick the door shut and then we were on the floor. It was cold and hard, but I didn’t care. I pulled Riley on top of me and kissed her with all the love and pain inside me. Her fingers fumbled at my buttons while I pushed her dress up. I found the fabric of her panties and ripped them off. She hissed from shock and pain, but the parted lips and flushed cheeks that followed told me she loved every part of what was happening.

  Tossing the shreds that were Riley’s underwear to the floor, I pulled her forward and onto me. Our tongues lapped at each other’s, hungry and desperate for the other’s taste. Riley pushed her hand between our bodies and undid my belt buckle. I helped her with a quick unzipping of my pants.

  My cock pushed its way out through the slit in my boxers, already hard and leaking pre-cum. It slid along Riley’s inner thigh and jerked at the nearby heat coming from her opening. Riley leaned back, making her hips grind against mine. Desire pulsed in my every cell.

  “I’ve missed this so much,” I rasped in between my quick, staccato breaths.

  “Me too.” She leaned down and kissed me again before sitting upright, gazing down at me, love shining in her eyes. I grasped the base of my dick and waited for her to make the next move, giving her time to decide if this was truly what she wanted. Long seconds passed before she lifted her hips and sank down on me, our eyes locked as our bodies became one.

  My cock pierced her, disappearing inside of that perfect, silky channel. Riley rolled her shoulders back and moaned low as she lowered herself the rest of the way down. She slowly rocked back and forth, her fingers flexing against my shoulders.

  “That’s right, baby,” I whispered. “Ride me. Ride me like you’re mine.”

  “I am,” she gasped.

  In this position, I had free access to her sweet body and was able to touch her all I wanted. Her face, her throat, her breasts, her tiny waist. I gripped her hips, helping her move, but not rushing her. Letting her take the lead.

  I groaned as her pussy squeezed my cock, and pleasure shot along my shaft and up into my abs. With each new thrust, my balls constricted more, till they became full to the bursting point, ready to explode.

  Riley rocked faster, riding me like she was out of control. I loved seeing her like this, completely lost to her pleasure and wild with ecstasy. Each fluid motion of her pelvis made her moans deeper and longer. I thrust my hips up, wanting to reach the end point of her channel, wanting to fill her up and make her explode.

  She cried out my name as she climaxed, her body shaking against mine, and I couldn’t hold my orgasm back. It ripped through me, and I quickly lifted Riley off of me and watched as thick tendrils of my release flew across her thighs and on my abs.

  Riley was the first woman I’d ever not worn a condom with, the first woman I trusted enough to do such a thing. She was on the pill, and I believed her when she said she was religious about taking it. Besides, the thought of having a child with this woman didn’t make me panic.

  She fell into a jumble on the floor next to me. I snaked my arm under her shoulders and pulled her close. Our ragged exhales fell into a weird synchronicity as we just lay still and looked up at the ceiling.

  Riley groaned and turned to the side, her nose pressed into my chest as I wrapped my arm around her tighter and kissed the top of her hair. She smelled like her place and my place combined. It was perfect.

  Gingerly easing her off me, I helped her to her feet and guided her to the bathroom. The whole time we showered, I stared at her. She blushed, but I couldn’t help it. This amazing girl was mine.

  Once I had Riley dried off and dressed in my most comfortable pajamas, I took her back to the dining room. It was dark outside, the sun having set sometime while Riley and I were lost in our own personal heaven.

  “Are you hungry now?” I asked.

  She smiled guiltily. “Yes.”

  I pulled a chair out for her. With her seated, I started serving the meal we didn’t so much as touch earlier.

  “It’s cold,” I announced, scooping some kind of lamb dish onto a plate. “I’ll have to heat it up.”

  Riley didn’t answer.

  “It’ll just take a couple minutes.” I looked across the table to find her chewing on her lip. My hand holding the serving spoon instantly fell. “What is it?”

  She looked at me with sad eyes. “I’m sorry, Xavier, but I can’t just let it go. What are you going to do about that list?”

  Her pain was so evident I could feel it pressing down on my chest. I sighed and dropped back into my chair. “You can’t be with a man who lets something like that go on.”

  She nodded. “I know you’re not going to use the list anymore…”

  “But you can’t be happy while I sit by and let it be used,” I finished for her.

  “Exactly,” she whispered. “I’m sorry. Everything is so close to perfect now. You’re so perfect, this...” She trailed off and dropped her head into her hands.

  A new desire was already rising in me. Now that I had Riley, I would do whatever it took to both keep her and make her happy. Part of that meant doing the right thing simply because it was what needed to be done. Riley couldn’t stand by and idly watch that list be used. And now, because she couldn’t, neither could I.

  CHAPTER THIRTY FIVE

  Riley

  “Come here,” Xavier said, gesturing to the couch. I stood, my knees shaking slightly, then moved to the end of the couch, sat and looked up
at him. The tightness of his jaw told me something big was coming. He settled next to me and took one of my hands in his. “I understand why you’re upset, and I have a plan.”

  I blinked at him. “What kind of plan?”

  Xavier looked me straight in the eye. “I’m going to destroy the list.”

  A thousand emotions squeezed my heart. “Seriously?”

  “Yes.”

  Love swelled in my chest. “Thank you,” I whispered from a tight throat.

  He lifted my hand to his lips. “It’s for the best. For you and me, and the women on it. Hell, it’s probably best for Julian and Davis too. It’s created too many problems. It should have been deleted a long time ago.”

  “Where is it?”

  “It’s in a file on the computer in Enigma’s office.”

  I frowned. “I kind of figured it would be in a more dramatic place.”

  He grinned. “Like written on a scroll that’s locked away in a bank vault?”

  “Well, not quite that dramatic...”

  Xavier sat back, a pained look on his face. “I’m breaking a pact by doing this, and my word is all I have. It means everything to me.”

  I nodded. “You’re a good man.”

  He scoffed. “Hardly, but I do have a set of rules I live by, and breaking one of them is hard. That’s why I want to do it soon. Tomorrow. It’s best just to get this all over with so that we can move on.”

  “I’ll come with you.”

  “No,” he said, a bite in his voice.

  “What? Why not?”

  “Because it’s something I need to do, and it could be...”

  “Could be what?”

  “Dangerous,” he said between clamped teeth.

  I shook my head. “How is it dangerous?”

  “If the others disagree—”

  “Disagree? What if they do? You own the place along with them, Xavier. You have a right to put an end to this.”

  He ground his teeth together and looked up at the ceiling. “It’s not that.”

  I still didn’t understand. “Then what is it? Tell me how you’ll be in danger.”

  “It’s not me I’m worried about, it’s you. Davis and Julian are good men, but we created an understanding a long time ago. The group comes first, women second.”

  “I still don’t get it. You think they would hurt me?”

  He frowned. “No, of course they wouldn’t. I’m just not sure how they’ll react. It could get ugly.”

  Frustrated, I crossed my arms and glared at him. “It sounds like you’re just being irrational.”

  His nostrils flared. “You’re safer here, Riley.”

  I threw my arms up into the air. “You say that, but you’re not giving me a reason as to why I’m safer here!”

  “You’re safer here because I said so. When, not if, Seth finds out, there will be trouble. There might even be punches thrown. I refuse to put you in the middle of possible danger.”

  “Hm.”

  “All right?”

  I crossed my arms again. “Nope. Not all right.”

  “Riley, I swear to God—”

  “Swear as much as you like, I’m going with you. And if you try to leave without me, I’ll just follow you there.”

  Xavier rubbed his eyes. “Christ, when did you become so strong-willed?”

  I grinned. “Since I met you.”

  “Tell me,” he said in a calmer voice than before. “And please be honest. Why do you really want to come with me?”

  Because I don’t trust you yet.

  I looked down, ashamed just to be having the thought. I believed that Xavier loved me and wanted to keep me safe, but I didn’t entirely believe he was of the same mind as me when it came to this list. I saw it as extremely damaging and got the impression that he found it to be more of a mild threat.

  How was I to know that he would actually destroy it? What if he just went to the club, took my name off, then sat around for a while before coming back to me?

  “Riley?”

  “Please let me go,” I whispered. “I’ll die of suspense if I’m forced to wait for you to return.”

  He sighed. “I won’t be gone long. Do you not trust me?”

  I couldn’t lie, but I also couldn’t bring myself to speak the truth. Instead, I just sank my teeth into my bottom lip and gazed back at him. After a second, his head dropped.

  “I’m sorry!” I burst out. “I’m sorry. I know you’ll do what’s right for me and you, but—”

  “But you don’t trust me to do what’s right for other people,” he finished for me.

  “I don’t know,” I whispered.

  Xavier’s eyes glazed over with sadness. “It makes sense. You don’t have any reason to think I’ll do exactly that. I don’t have the best track record, especially with you. Even when I try to do what’s good for others, I often get it wrong.”

  I didn’t know what else to say. The weight of sadness and depression threatened to press me down to the floor. I’d wanted to be honest with Xavier, but I was afraid of exactly this happening.

  “All right. You can come with me.”

  Hope swelled inside my chest. “Really?”

  “Yes. I want you to see me destroy the list. I want your absolute trust, Riley.” He took my hand in his again. “And I know that I can’t earn that in a single day. It will take a lot before you can believe in me.”

  My eyes filled with tears of gratitude. “Thank you.”

  He leaned over and pressed his lips against mine. I absorbed his warmth and relaxed as it filled me with too many emotions to name.

  “When are we going?” I asked.

  Xavier glanced at a clock on the wall. “Tomorrow. I’ll call Davis and Julian and have them meet us there.”

  “Not Seth?”

  Xavier’s upper lip curled into a snarl. “Nope. He doesn’t deserve the courtesy of having his input submitted.”

  “Okay.” I nodded, then thought of something. “How do you know there’s only one copy of the list?”

  He exhaled a long breath. “We have an agreement that no copies of it will ever be made.”

  “But can’t that agreement be broken? If someone really believes they need to do it? You’re breaking an agreement by destroying the list, aren’t you?”

  The muscle in his jaw popped. “I have valid reasons.”

  “Everyone thinks they do.”

  “Touché.” He nodded and thought about it some more. “There’s nothing we can do if there are copies,” he finally said. “All we can worry about is this one.”

  “Okay.” My stomach twisted. “If there is a copy, Seth probably has it, doesn’t he?”

  “Yes. That would make dealing with it easier. After today, he’s under our thumb. He won’t be causing trouble for a while. Julian and Davis are good men. There’s no reason for them to make copies.”

  “Okay,” I repeated, sounding like a broken tape. Xavier seemed resistant to face the possibility of a duplicate, but like he said, if there were more copies of the list, there was nothing to be done about it.

  “You should try to get some sleep.”

  “I don’t feel like I can sleep right now. Not after everything that’s happened.”

  “I know.” He rubbed his thumb over the top of my hand. “But just try. Come here.”

  He pulled me to him and leaned back against the couch. The cushions were wide enough for two people, but Xavier kept me on top of him. The beating of his heart filled my ears and instantly relaxed me. With his chest rising and falling under my head, I could finally close my eyes.

  ***

  I woke up to the sound of cabinets being shut. I was alone on the couch, a blanket covering my legs. Xavier waited for me in the kitchen. He wore the same clothes he had on when I fell asleep and, judging from the bags under his eyes, he hadn’t rested at all.

  “Breakfast?” he asked.

  I smiled at him. “No, thanks. Maybe later?”

  He poured himself what l
ooked to be a second cup of coffee. “Later is good. Go ahead and get dressed. We’re meeting with the guys in an hour.”

  My hands flew to my hair, trying by feel just how messed up it was. Meeting your guy’s best friends was a big deal and stringy hair was not a great first impression.

  Xavier grinned, like he was reading my mind. “You look beautiful.”

  I snorted and swiped at the sleep crumbs in the corners of my eyes. “Not yet, but I’ll do my best not to embarrass you—”

  His hand whipped out as fast as a snake, and he gripped my arm, pulling me hard against his chest. “You are beautiful. Inside and outside, and in every way that matters. My friends will love you as much as…” his eyes softened, “as much as I love you.”

  If a person could melt, I would have in that moment. I would have simply turned into a Riley puddle at this man’s feet. Instead, I stood on strong legs and raised a hand to his cheek. “I love you too, Xavier. I know we haven’t known each other long, and I know we still have so much to learn about the other. But I want to know you. I want to learn everything I can about you. I want us to make sure that everything we currently feel will stand up to the test of time.”

  He nodded, his face certain. “It will.”

  I pushed up to my toes and pressed my lips against his. “It will if we’re both honest with each other. And we stand together through good times and bad.”

  He kissed me again, softer and sweeter than before. Then he swatted my behind. “Go, get ready. We have a very important meeting and don’t want to be late.”

  As I headed to the bathroom, I couldn’t keep the smile off my face. Xavier had said that he’d have to work a long time to win my trust, and he was right. Trust couldn’t be earned with a single act, but what he planned to do today would be a good start. We’d both need to work on trusting each other as we got to know the other better. Then we’d have to see where this thing between us led.

  CHAPTER THIRTY SIX

  Xavier

  Julian’s forehead furrowed as he stepped into Enigma’s office and noticed Riley sitting in a chair. His eyes slid toward me. “What’s going on?” He looked tired, like he hadn’t slept all night. He also hadn’t shaved. And did he smell like perfume? Some floral shit, and vanilla?