Crave: Addicted To You

by Ash Harlow

  She made tea and prepared a tray with a couple of mugs and some fruitcake. Partway across the yard Joker and Calliope met, sniffed, and set off to check what sort of critters visited the yard during their absence. Vince must have noticed her through the window because he opened the door before she reached it. His appearance was an improvement on this morning: showered and shaved, that tidy, ready for action look.

  He took the tray from her. “I’ll fix this, you sit.”

  Lulah noticed he’d added an old sofa to the mélange of furniture and she eased herself onto it, its length allowing her to stretch out her aching leg. Although she’d iced it earlier, the relief hadn’t lasted. She tried to make the move casual.

  “Did you take a fall?”

  “I’m fine.”

  “So did you take a fall?”

  The fall from her bike didn’t come close to the one her heart had taken, but after riding hard and tumbling harder, she’d decided the universe had sent a message she’d been too stubborn to read. “It was nothing.” She sipped her tea, shaking her head at the cake he offered. “No, that’s for you.”

  “Thank you.” He took a bite of the cake, watching her thoughtfully as he chewed and swallowed. “I wish you wouldn’t go out there by yourself. You could get hurt, hit your head, or something. How would we find you?”

  Lulah smothered a laugh. “After what you do, I can’t believe you’re even saying that to me.”

  “There are a whole lot of reasons that what I do is safer than what you’re doing. Starting with the fact I don’t have my feet clipped to bike pedals. Right there, that’s totally insane. Even more, we can add the fact that I’m trained to survive in the wilderness alone, and I’m guessing you’re not.”

  “Anyone can fall and hit their head walking, cycling, or running. A goose could have a heart attack while flying south for winter, drop from the sky. All that physics stuff would come into play, and the dead goose would suddenly weigh a ton. When it landed on your head, it could whack you flat out cold. The most awesome-sauce survival skills in the world won’t help if you’re unconscious, so this conversation is pointless.”

  Vince shook his head. “A goose. I don’t believe it. You pull a goose out of the sky to back up your argument? You’re crazy, and funny, and stubborn, you know that?”

  She needed to be stubborn, to keep from becoming sucked into the need of the two men who hovered at the margins of her emotions. Vince turned to his workbench and started sketching. Even back-on he looked a whole lot better than this morning.

  “Do you mind if I keep working for a bit?”

  “No, keep at it. What are you doing?”

  “This.” He held up a sketch of a mermaid. “It’s for an inn in Massachusetts. I don’t know how these people find me. The inn’s been going since 1857, and the original sign needed some restoration work. Unfortunately, before they were able to send it to me, somebody pinched it. Luckily, they had plenty of photographs for me to work off, but the challenge will be to age it and keep its strength. My first mermaid.”

  She could see the emotional respite he found in this work. “Congratulations.”

  “Here’s something I’ve worked on in secret.” When he stepped to the side, Lulah saw his pinboard had a number of photos of Justice. Vince had sketched them.

  “Wow, are you—”

  “I’m going to make a full-size carousel dog of Justice for the fund-raising auction. For the past few weeks, I’ve taken photos of him to capture his character. I’m sure I’ve managed that, so now it’s time for one of my favorite parts of the process—sketching the model and working out the ornamental details, which, in the biz, we call trappings. Justice has to have the balanced scales and the sword. I’ll carve a liberty medal for his collar. And the kitten, of course. Have you seen the kitten he took up to the house?”

  Lulah nodded.

  “Cute scrawny little thing. Justice walked in and deposited it into Adam’s lap. The kitten’s pretty spooky around people, still, but follows Justice all over. What did they call it? Some New Zealand bird name?”

  “Tui.”

  “That’s it, Tui. Apparently that kitten has the same coloring as the bird. Black with a white splotch on its chest.”

  He had his back to her again, his hand busily working across the paper, creating his beautiful images. He looked at ease. Did she have to shatter that now? Could she do that to him when he was enjoying this moment of peace?

  She continued to study him, his broad back, a lean muscular arm reaching for his mug of tea.

  He tipped his head back to drain the last mouthful, and replaced the mug on tray. Without turning to her he spoke. “Shall we talk about the elephant now?”

  “Elephant?” Was he carving an elephant, too?

  “Yeah, the big one in the corner of the room that needs putting to rest.”

  “Huh. I didn’t know if you could see it.”

  The movement of his arm stopped. “I see it, smell it, hear it shuffle and weave the way a tethered elephant does. Probably time we set it free, yeah?”

  Lulah exhaled. “Yeah.”

  When he turned, his gaze swept over her. Not in a sexual way, not with any yearning or need, but a simple assessment. He paused at her outstretched leg, which she propped up on the arm of the sofa. “Are you warm enough? Can I get you a blanket?”

  “Is it going to be a long night?”

  “Depends.”

  “I’m warm enough right now, thanks.”

  He dragged an armchair across the floor, stopping near her feet so that when he sat, stretching his long legs in front of him, they were top-to-tail. “Had a bad day yesterday, Lulah.”

  She waited.

  “In the morning, I went to visit Gable. I wanted to take the wagon to her. I had bought her some paints and hoped for an hour with her, some time to help her paint the space I left along the side for her to decorate. Turns out she was with Jerk-off—sorry, Andrew—Taryn’s boyfriend. Didn’t matter. Out or home, Taryn wasn’t going to let me see her. I’ll be honest when I say that I sat in the truck for a bit, fuming, before I pulled my shit together and realized I had to do this sort of stuff through the lawyer. Money seems to flow in one direction when your marriage is breaking up. The legal process is so long and frustrating.

  “Anyway, I drove back to town, intending to grab some lunch and hike up to the lake, but at the shops I spotted a couple of guys I knew from the Marines, so I hooked up with them. I don’t know why I did that, because I avoid anyone from that part of my life, trying to, you know, put it all behind me. I guess I was so pissed with Taryn.

  “But, you know, one drink would be okay. I thought I could have a soda, but the guys weren’t letting me away with that. I was pretty wired, and it didn’t take much to convince me I needed a beer. I’m so fucking weak, Lulah.”

  Now what? Agree with him? Tell him he’s not weak? Make him feel better so that he can justify his actions when he does it again, and again? Sure, Daddy, one little game of dice. It’s not really gambling; you’re just being social. Nah, to hell with that. She stayed with him, gave him a small ‘go on’ nod.

  His chin dropped a little as the elephant stepped from the shadows. “A couple of beers would have been okay. I’m not an alcoholic. I can have a beer, always used to at the finish of a hot day, but I’d been on that medication and it didn’t feel good with alcohol. I wondered if the flashbacks were worse if I drank, so I’d sworn off it. Once I drank that third beer, a little bit of the pity-and-reward set in. I knew I was supposed to meet with you guys. To be honest, I didn’t want to, I have to say that, but I was going to do it, to spend some time with you. It made me anxious, but I was determined to try until I felt sorry for myself, and I decided I deserved that drink.”

  He fell silent again, and Lulah decided this was the moment she needed to step up and acknowledge the elephant, too. “So you were all angry and annoyed, headed into town, caught up with a couple of buddies, and got hammered. Sounds like a normal Sat
urday night for a lot of people.”

  He stared at her. He was good with that look, the one that made her want to comfort him. It wasn’t manipulative because whatever Vince was, he wasn’t calculating that way. The look was instinctive, the sort that drew a mother to a child.

  Everything changed when the pain flashed around his eyes. “After a few drinks, I began to feel as though I could face you all, face seeing you with Mike. I know that sounds ridiculous. It is, it’s stupid, but I hate the way that guy stares at you.”

  “I can’t control that, Vince.” Any more than she could control the way that woman was with him last night.

  Vince shook his head. “I’m sorry; that was pathetic. What I’m trying to say, I guess, is that my attempt to hold everything together is fragile, so it’s vulnerable to little irritations.”

  “Go on.”

  “I headed for home, but the guys followed me out and suggested we have a final drink at that new bar down the road. Once outside, I knew that the real reason I’d left was because of Mike and you playing pool, so I remember thinking I could go back and maybe have a drink with Marlo and watch you guys play. I was intent on being the social guy, but I never managed to leave the group. Staying was so much easier than joining you. Next thing Adam turns up at the bar, takes my keys, and…don’t get me wrong, I like Adam, I trust him, but, man, he has this ability to read the potential of a situation and try and defuse it. My mood meant when he took my keys it pissed me off more.”

  It was the tension stiffening his body that Lulah noticed first. Quickly followed by the hint of warning in the tone of the words he spoke and the way the light slipped from his face. She dropped her hand to the floor, to touch his outstretched legs, but she couldn’t reach him from where she sat.

  When she searched for his gaze, to reach him that way, he was already watching the other place he saw but never shared. God, what kind of horror created that darkness in his eyes?

  “Take your time, Vince,” she said softly. “Come back when you’re ready.” She stayed with him, watching his face, noting the small twitch of his jaw muscle as his clenched teeth finally relaxed.

  A few minutes later, he returned her gaze and gave her an apology and a small smile. She knew now the effort he put into that. “We don’t have to go on with this.”

  “I want to.” He rubbed at his temple.

  “Sit here with me,” she shifted across a little on the sofa, “so I can do that for you.”

  Chapter Thirteen

  Seeing the space beside Lulah, the empty area she patted with her small hands, stilled him. He couldn’t go to her, though. Not when the worst part of the story had yet to be revealed. He wasn’t rejecting her offer of comfort, because, hell, to lie alongside her now and soak up some of her warmth, his appetite for that was voracious. “I’ll stay here for the moment.” He shifted his focus from her hand to her face. She amazed him.

  “Tell me. I don’t care what it is, but if you tell me, I think that pain in your head will ease.”

  “Once you all left the bar, I cut loose.” He took his hand from his temple now, as if he didn’t deserve the comfort. “We moved onto that other bar, and those girls sitting alongside us came, too. Over the next hour, we moved on to whiskey and bullshit. I wanted to leave, but part of me enjoyed the company of these rowdy uncomplicated people, so I stayed with it. After some discussion, they decided to head down to the harbor where somebody had a key to a boat. When we made our way to the street, I suddenly needed to be home. They were all giving me a hard time and foolishly—I mean, really freakin’ stupid—I climbed into the car with a bunch of them. There were two carloads, one car following us. My friend Zac drove. Hell, not like we hadn’t been drinking or anything! I’ll never know how we weren’t stopped. I begged Zac to take me home, and finally he could see I was serious, because I tried to get out of the car when we stopped at some traffic lights.”

  Lulah was right. The pain in his head eased. He tried to give her a smile, but when he saw her face, he knew the best way to show his gratitude would be through the honesty of his story.

  “A couple of the girls piled into the car with us, and the others were in the car behind. One of them had the most grating laugh, really high-pitched, and she kept calling me soldier-boy. Everything amped up, and I tried to make Zac stop the car so I could get out and walk, and that woman in the back kept asking, ‘What’s wrong, soldier-boy’ in this stupid voice. I told her to shut up, and that made her worse.

  “Finally, we arrived at my house and, hell, the control it took not to run inside. Once I reached the door, I stood, searching for the key, sucking in big gulps of air, trying to hold myself together. Took me forever to find my key, push it into the lock, and I recall opening the door but being too afraid to go in.”

  Calliope came to Vince’s side. He reached for head, stroking her with long, slow sweeps of his hand. “You see, I usually use Calliope when I arrive home. I send her inside first so that I can watch her and be sure that it’s safe to enter. I know that sounds insane, but it makes things easier for me.”

  “It’s not insane, Vince. It’s exactly what we would teach you to do, except we don’t have to, because you and Calliope have worked that out for yourselves.”

  Vince nodded quickly. “I recall stepping inside and not wanting to switch on the light. I made my way across the kitchen where I could see down the hall, and when I turned, I saw someone behind me step out from the shadows. I went for the person…for her, knocked her to the floor. She screamed, and god, Lulah, I was back there again. Full-blown flashback, and I started smashing the place up.” He could hear his breath, shallow and fast the way his pounding heart demanded it.

  “Calliope, up!”

  The dog obeyed Lulah immediately, climbing into his lap.

  “Vince, concentrate on Calliope until you’re calm. Deep, slow breathing.”

  He dropped his forehead to rest on the top of Calliope’s head and took his time, reassembling himself, his thoughts, until everything slowed. Once the pounding of his heart eased, he whispered some words of gratitude to his dog. Finally capable of facing Lulah, he raised his head. “I hit a woman. I tackled her to the ground. I’ve never done anything like that in my life. Every time I think about it, I—”

  “Stop. Let’s keep dealing with the facts.”

  Jesus, Lulah in inquisitor mode was formidable.

  “Tell me how it finished up…how you ended up here?”

  “Well the girl, the woman, ran outside and called her friends. I wasn’t even aware of her by this stage, and I certainly didn’t pursue her. Both cars returned, and apparently the others took care of her, and Zac came in to talk me off the metaphorical ledge where I teetered. At least he has a bit of experience with berserk combatants, so he was good at dealing with me. He wanted me back in the car, but I wanted them out of there for the night. I was jittery as hell, full of booze and adrenaline. Nice mix, huh?”

  Lulah watched him, passive, no smile but not alarmed.

  “I walked over here. It burned off all the crazy stuff inside of me.”

  “What’s going to happen?”

  “Well, that’s why I needed to see Adam. My keys, for one thing, and I wanted to talk through with him what had happened. We went to see the girl, Alison. Turns out they’d all warned her not to follow me, but she thought it would be hilarious to sneak up and give me a fright. We were all full of it. I’m lucky she won’t lay assault charges.”

  “Very lucky.”

  “A lucky idiot. If Taryn finds out about this, I can forget about having access to Gable.” The idea of losing that chance because of a night on the booze made his chest tighten. “If I’m not allowed to see Gable, what’s the point in going on?”

  “Don’t talk like that. There will always be a way for you to see Gable.”

  Right now, that was hard to believe. “There’s something else.”

  “Go on.”

  “I’ve lost my house. The landlord has kicked me out.
He said there have been complaints from the neighbors in the past, and this confirms that I’m no good for the neighborhood. His words. I’ll fix the damage up. There wasn’t much to the kitchen; more my furniture that suffered.”

  “Wow. You had a big night, huh?”

  Vince nodded.

  “You can stay in the barn until you sort things out.” She paused. “One more thing—”

  “You’re not in danger, Lulah, I wouldn’t hurt you.”

  “Not intentionally, I’m sure.”

  She was right. Who knew what he was capable of during a flashback?

  “You need to get help.”

  “I’m trying, Lulah. My old doc’s back at the VA. I’m working with him. And I feel so good around you, calm.”

  “I’m sorry, Vince; I can’t help you. I can give you a place to stay. I’m always here to talk, but this won’t improve until you completely commit to professional help.”

  “Sure.” He felt sick. He’d hoped that of all people, Lulah would hear what he tried to say. Doc was back. Didn’t she understand? He worked hard with him, attending counseling weekly now. He knew he shouldn’t pin his idea of recovery on a single person, but he’d tried other counselors before, and it hadn’t worked. It was as if the VA filled their offices with people who despised vets, people who seemed hell-bent on destroying the little part of himself he clung to. But it would be okay now, because Doc was back.

  “No negotiations this time. No thinking you can fix yourself if you tie down your emotions. You stick with the counseling; shrink-wrap all those thoughts.”

  Even though she wasn’t really saying what he wanted to hear, she stuck with him, and that was more than he could ask for. He would do it for Lulah, this counseling, and for Gable.

  “I want you to do this for yourself, Vince.”

  Of course, now she’s a mind reader.

  “If you do this for yourself, it flows and makes it better for everyone else around you. Now, do you need bed linen, blankets, a quilt?”