Take Me, Break Me

by Cari Silverwood

  “Go ahead.”

  For a few seconds he said nothing. “Okay, I’ll start with this. You and Jodie have been so foolish. Playing with fire is the best way I can put it. She told me about her documentary.”

  I grunted and listened some more.

  “Yes, you could have hurt her badly, but mostly due to ignorance. What you did…BDSM is consensual, always. Playing around with that concept when you are new to it all. Terrible. Just terrible. I’m not surprised you’ve damaged yourself. But I can tell you this. You’re not a sociopath. You’re not a bad person. You’re simply untrained and uninformed.”

  I put my fingers to the bridge of my nose, pressed down. “I wanted to see her bleed. She’d not given me permission and, man, I don’t know if I’d have stopped if I were in the wrong situation, alone. I can’t trust myself.”

  Quiet came for a moment.

  “Some of us get closer to the dark edge than others. I promise you that with help, you’ll discover how to be her Dom without overstepping the mark. I promise you. You just need boundaries and rules. If you’re who I think you are, you can control yourself. If you’re worried, keep it public until you’re sure. There are ways, man, there are.”

  I took a long breath, exhaled. Damn. He made it sound doable. Not easy, but doable.

  “After the party, I warned you about subdrop. Remember?”

  “Yes, I do.” I glanced at Jodie, waiting patiently, waiting like a good girl. My appreciation of her as a woman stirred to life again.

  “I forgot to say that sometimes Doms, Tops, can get Top Drop.”

  “What the fuck? You’re joking. That sounds like a wine.”

  I listened to him chuckle. “No, it’s like subdrop though. I think you got it. Along with all the mistakes you let yourselves make, I’m not surprised. If I’d known what a mess you two were in, I’d never have let you in to play. Now, I want you and Jodie to talk about this. As far as I can tell, she wants you back, as her Dom.”

  “That’s not news. Talking to her…” My head was stuffed full of all this new information. Did I believe him? No one knew me like I did. He hadn’t been there. Still, a big what-if sign had lit up in my head. “Not sure that’s a good idea.”

  “Klaus, I can’t tell you what you have to do. Yes, people can get hurt physically because others have not thought things through, or have not done their homework, or because they are out-and-out sadists. We don’t condone that in the community. If I thought that was you, I’d not be sitting out here on my patio getting eaten by mozzies when I could be watching the football. Think hard before you run away. If you were bad, you’d not have crashed like this. Caring is the crucial point. You care for her.”

  “Uh.” Such an eloquent reply. I rummaged about and found some words. “Thanks. I’ll see. Sorry for all the trouble.”

  He sighed. “Klaus. Fuck not ordering you. Go talk. Stop being an asshole.”

  He hung up.

  Well, he got the asshole part right.

  “Here.” I held out the phone to her and she stepped over and took it, dropped it into her handbag.

  Talk to her?

  As likely as the sun exploding. I had a severe case of info overload. I wanted him to be right, but…but, but, but.

  We looked at each other without speaking for a while.

  If I said anything I’d give her false hope, but she’d been trying to help. Did I want to hurt her now by saying a flat no, or maybe later by stringing her along?

  Jodie did that nervous thing where she played with a corner of her dress. I could see she was bursting to ask me.

  I got in first. “Don’t. Don’t ask. You can’t expect an answer. Just leave me be, to think.” I found my car keys, pulled them out and jingled them. “Go back inside to your friends.”

  “Oh. Oh.” Though she stared at me for ages, her shoulders slowly caved in. “I thought he might…I’m sorry.” She shook her head. “If you change your mind, text me. Just say meet me, and I’ll be here.” For a second her gaze fixed hopefully on mine, then she turned away.

  Misery was written in her every move. I worked my jaw and resisted grabbing her, enfolding her in my arms, and kissing away all that sadness.

  Watching her walk away trampled severely on the remains of my resolve. I jabbed my thigh with the keys and hissed at the pain.

  Leave now.

  We were both a mess, but I couldn’t see how to help her more without being with her. For a moment I was angry at Moghul. I’d wanted him to help her get her life back together, not to tell her how to get back with me. Unseeing, unfocused on anything except the confusion messing up my mind, I fumbled my way to my car, and started the engine.

  * * * *

  There are some things you have to take your time to digest, no matter what.

  Believing takes time.

  Jodie was doing well. I kept an eye on her via her friends. Adrianna seemed to think it was cute and I’m sure she told Jodie of my inquiries but it couldn’t be helped. Besides, Jodie’s plea had awakened me. I wasn’t willing to say goodbye yet. The connection between us was stretched, and it was thin, but it was still there. I never forgot, on any day, that she was on the island somewhere, within reach.

  Until the day she left on the tour.

  She was gone. A small panic stewed inside me for three days until I gave in and called Moghul. I invited him to the island. What he’d said on the phone, with the music and laughter in the background, had seemed distant, trivial – like a saying you found in a fortune cookie, or one of those phone-a-friend last resort things you do on a game show. Yet what hinged on his words was so important. I wanted to hear it up close, where I could see his eyes.

  We trudged across the cool morning sand at Horseshoe Bay with our surf skis and waded into the sea. The island was protected by the Great Barrier Reef so surf was non-existent. Getting out past the waves was a simple exercise most days. What waves? Surfers just shook their heads in dismay when they saw ours.

  I took us out and around to Balding Bay at a good pace. We stopped a fair distance out from shore, paddles across our thighs, breathing hard, sweat beading on our skin.

  “You ready to talk now, Klaus?” Moghul straightened and dipped his paddle in the sea on one side to curve the ski round to face me.

  “Guess so.”

  For a man who said he rarely got the chance to take out a ski, Moghul still had the tight chest muscles of a man who exercised regularly. “You know, most days I have to stop myself calling you Santy Klaus.”

  I snorted. “Not Asshole Klaus?”

  “That too. On occasion.”

  “Thank you for not rushing me.”

  “Wouldn’t dream of it. Take your time. Only one thing.” He tapped his fingers on the shaft of his paddle. “Just remember Jodie’s a pretty woman. Some other Dom may snap her up if she decides to dip her toes back in the BDSM community.”

  Fuck no. “Huh. Over my dead body.”

  Moghul nodded soberly. “Think you’ve already made up your mind.” He dabbed at the water again as a bigger wave rocked under our skis.

  I grimaced, thinking some more. Farther out, a sea eagle speared into the water and rose up with a fish glinting in its talons. The rising sun beat flashes of light off the surface. The water was clear and blue, and a school of fish zipped past a long way down.

  What if some other man did make a play for her?

  “I doubt she could back away from kink now. Or even from TPE. We went at it hard and she was…” I rubbed my chin.

  “Loving it?”

  “Yeah.”

  We shared some more silence.

  “Moghul, you’re so patient you’d give a statue a run for its money.

  “Nah. It’s important. The mind’s a funny thing. You haven’t asked me again if you’re a bad man or a sociopath.”

  “Ah.” I sniffed and cleared my throat. After so many years as a pillar of the community, that was hard to get used to. “It’s the sort of label I will never be sure of
unless I try and fail.” I eyed him. “I do not want to fail.”

  “Then don’t. I told you how to play it safe.”

  “Public BDSM?” I turned the idea over. “I’m not sure it’s for me. What we did with Kat and Damien was about my limit. You know? I’m not that much of an exhibitionist.” I stroked into the water to turn my ski back toward Horseshoe Bay.

  We put our backs into the strokes until the skis were sizzling through the water.

  “You’re overthinking it, Klaus.”

  I glanced across. “What do you mean?”

  “Not everyone is into public or play parties. Kat would be more than happy to help you out. Think you could bear that?”

  “Like an observer?” I thought while we powered along, getting into a nice matching rhythm. “I guess. Not Damien?”

  “No! They split. He’s found a Domme. So you’d trust her to teach you?”

  “Teach? Hell, I wasn’t thinking teaching. Just observing, you know? She can stop me if I go too far. I’d trust her to do that.”

  We rounded the point and caught sight of the farthermost spur of the super-long stretch of beach that was Horseshoe Bay.

  Moghul laughed. “Sounds like a deal. But you better watch her too. She has designs on Jodie’s ass.”

  “Yeah? I recall that.” I grinned back at him. “That makes two of us then.”

  For the first time in ages, my heart lightened. Now I only had to tell her.

  What if…what if I’d left it too long? She might say no. My little stew of panic came back and parked itself like a blob in my stomach. It would be pure, unadulterated karma if she did.

  Chapter Twenty-seven

  Jodie

  My phone buzzed while I was gulping down some spring water in the little waiting room they’d given us. My act had gone down okay, thank God. I placed the bottle on the glass coffee table.

  The screen showed Klaus was calling.

  “Shit.” I let my hand holding the phone flop to my lap. “It’s him.”

  “Who?” asked Jane, the comedienne from Hobart, as she hopped on one leg adjusting the heel of her shoe.

  “Old boyfriend.”

  “Oh?” She tottered back onto two feet. “Ahh. That’s better. I’m up next. Oldies are goodies.” She gave me a thumbs up. “Good luck with him. Break a leg!”

  I rolled my eyes. “You too!”

  I pressed answer, and put the phone to my ear, blanking out the distant cheers from the audience, then I strolled toward the door that led out to the parking lot. Despite my casual attitude, I was nervous as hell.

  All I could hear was the audience. Even after the door swung shut, the other end was silent. I swallowed, checked the screen. Yes, it was Klaus.

  “Hi.” I settled my shoulders against the cold brick of the outside wall. It was quiet out here apart from distant cars on the highway. “Hey, Klaus, for this sort of call you’re supposed to breathe heavier, you know?”

  He chuckled.

  And my heart ceased to beat, just for a second. I laid my palm over my chest as if to calm my heart. Oh my God. That husky tone. I’d heard him say so many things. I clamped down on the vivid memories…the dark, pain-edged, orgasmic ones. I shivered.

  Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Be calm.

  “How are your shows going?”

  “Good.”

  “Glad to hear it.”

  Fuck. You didn’t ring me just to ask that did you?

  I massaged my forehead.

  What else would he ask? Hope was banging at my head screaming just a bit.

  “Hey, Klaus.”

  “Yes?”

  Here goes. “Is this a…a good sign? You ringing me?”

  Pause.

  “Yes. I think so. I’ve talked to Moghul again. It depends on whether we’re still on the same wavelength.”

  “Wavelength?” I giggled with relief, mad elation, and stupidity too, maybe. “Is this a physics lesson or a kinky-as-shit phone call about us, like, doing kinky things together again?”

  Talk about laying it on the table. The phone shook; my hand shook, as I waited for his reply.

  “Guessing here but, the second one. A kinky-as-shit phone call.”

  “Good,” I whispered. I wiped away the tears meandering down my face. “Good.” I sniffed.

  “You crying, Jodie?”

  “Yes.”

  “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry –”

  “Don’t be. Please don’t be.”

  Pause. “Okay. But Jodie, you’re back tomorrow, aren’t you? Flying back?”

  “Yes.” Now my pulse was hammering so hard I could barely breathe.

  “Then I’ll meet you where you said last time. You said if I changed my mind you’d meet me there.”

  Suddenly I remembered – outside the hotel. “Oh! Sure. When?”

  “Tomorrow night. Eight PM.”

  “What should I wear?”

  “You’re asking for instructions?”

  That woke me up. “Umm. Um, yes?”

  “Wear something pretty. A dress. No panties.”

  Then he hung up.

  Hell. I stared at the phone, then I pressed it within both my hands and squeezed. “That sounds good.”

  Damn, I wanted a plane, fast. “Where’s the batman spotlight in the sky when you need one?”

  I was going to die before tomorrow.

  Chapter Twenty-eight

  Klaus

  I made sure to arrive before she could. Eight PM in a poorly lit car park outside a hotel wasn’t the place to leave a woman alone. When she emerged from the hotel entrance wearing the same blue dress as that other night, I smiled.

  “Hi,” she said quietly as she approached. The closer she came the more my guilt surfaced. She was thinner, if more confident than when she’d been my slave, but anxiety lurked in the straightness of her mouth and the way her eyes searched mine.

  “Hi, yourself.”

  I stepped close, and with the smallest of pressure, tipped up her chin with my forefinger. The trembling beneath my finger said a lot. I gently tucked some loose strands of her hair behind her ear. Hugging would have helped her, perhaps, and me certainly, but I didn’t have that right, not yet.

  “We’re going to go sit on the beach and talk. That is, if you’re agreeable?” I twitched my eyebrows upward, and I prayed.

  If she was here, she was most likely agreeable, but still, us humans are strange. Had she changed her mind? Maybe she’d come to say goodbye? Maybe she just wanted to kick my shins and stalk off fuming? Maybe I’d get shafted like I probably deserved.

  She licked her lips and made a funny little noise in her throat. “I…uh yes, I’m agreeable. Of course I am. You know I wanted you back.”

  That little statement sent my heart thumping faster.

  I stooped and kissed her on her mouth, a slow, gentle kiss. “Remember when we made up those rules all that time ago about your capture fantasy? I said no abduction because it’d be too dangerous?”

  She nodded, her eyes dark.

  “I’m fixing that now. Don’t scream.” Then I ducked and picked her up with her top half dangling over my back and her legs held down by my arm. She gasped once. For a second I braced my muscles – a woman isn’t light, and besides I liked the soft weight and scent of her there, caught over my shoulder. I restrained myself from turning my head to bite the side of her ass.

  “Good girl,” I whispered. “Consider yourself abducted.”

  Then I crossed the road with my little captive and strode through the thin gathering of palm trees and down onto the beach where I set her on her feet.

  “That was pretty amazing.” Jodie giggled. “Am I in the harem of the Prince of Zanzibar now?”

  “Is that my rival? The Prince of Zanzibar? I’ll remember that name. No, we’re still on Magnetic Island, but…” I took her hand “… we are about to begin a new adventure. And we need to talk about it, because this time we both get to make up the rules.”

  We left our shoes by
the footpath and ventured onto the cool sand, sitting in the softer drier zone halfway between the trees and where the waves surged up and down on the beach. A few ghost crabs toddled about sideways.

  “Can we just hold hands for a minute?” she asked. “I want to feel you touching me. It will mean a lot to me.”

  “Sure. I’d like that too.”

  Her smile caught the moonlight and lifted my heart. I heard her inhale deeply before she put out her hand.

  Those delicate fingers resting in mine – I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed them. We sat together, her thigh resting against mine and we looked out across the sea.

  I could barely believe she was here.

  Slowly, the never-ending soft roar of the waves coming in and going out smothered the thoughts in my head. I licked the salt off my lips. The important ideas stuck up above the rest of my thoughts like the dinghies moored out there, rocking on the water.

  I squeezed her fingers. “First. This is new, and not what we had before. Negotiation is a crucial part of BDSM. And it has to be consensual. That’s the absolute bedrock. You’re a part of this. Where do you want to start?”

  “Oh. Umm. Anywhere you like. I think maybe that’s best.”

  I held back a laugh. “Not quite what I meant.”

  “Hmm. I guess I need time to think through this idea.”

  “Now that’s a good decision already. There’s only one thing I feel I should mention now in case it bothers you. There’s going to be someone watching us whenever we do scenes. Until I can trust myself.”

  “Oh. That’s going to be…curious. Umm, who?”

  “Kat.” I waited. If that was a problem, I’d have to think of someone else.

  “Her?” she squeaked out. “She wanted to take my ass home.”

  “Yes. Her. But I won’t let her take your ass home because it will be my ass.”

  Jodie snorted. “I guess that’s okay then. Least she’s already familiar with all our…bits.”

  “Exactly. Moghul trusts her. And she had some interesting ideas that night. Maybe you’d let her play too, sometimes?”

  Jodie hesitated. “Maybe.”

  “Oh?” For a second I allowed that old sadistic me to rear his head and I thrilled at the thought of what Kat might want to do to Jodie. “So long as you never forget you belong to me.”