Anything Your Heart Desires

by AJ Adaire

  “How did Mallory and Amanda meet?”

  “Amanda moved back here from California when her previous relationship ended. She and Dana have been friends for years, so Dana offered Amanda her place to live in while she was working in Italy. Mallory is Dana's neighbor. That's how they met. I met Mallory at the hospital when I was working there.”

  “The night you got shot?”

  Jo shook her head. “No, I was off duty that night, and I'd already known Mallory for well over a year when that happened. After I got shot, I lived with Amanda and Mallory and they took care of me. I just moved home a few days ago.”

  “You all seem to get along so well together. I envy you your closeness.” Stacy looked away. “I've been lonely since I moved up here.”

  “I'm sorry. Now that you've met all of us, you won't be lonely any more. I can promise that. Those women are the best friends anyone could ever ask for. I guarantee you'll never find better.”

  “I'm sure that's true. I felt welcomed by, and comfortable with, all of them.” Stacy smiled, thinking about the dinner. “I think they all worry about you.”

  Jo adjusted her position and rubbed her leg to ease the stiffness. “Now that they're all paired, I'm sort of a fifth wheel. I'm sure they'd like me to join them in coupled bliss. Since I'm not even dating anyone, chances of that are pretty much zip. I know they love me and just want what they think is best for me.”

  “I agree. It's obvious they all love you.” Stacy drank the last of her tea.

  “I love them, too. I'm very blessed by their friendship.”

  After a few more minutes of conversation about Jo's friends, the conversation reached a natural stopping point, so Stacy suggested, “What do you say we call it a night and turn in early? What time do you have to be at work tomorrow?”

  “I don’t have to go in tomorrow. Nic is covering the office with Mallory. I’ll only help them out a couple of days a week right now until the business gets more established.”

  “Good. Then when you get up tomorrow, we’ll talk some more.” Stacy picked up Jo’s cup and took it to the kitchen along with her own. When she came back to the living room, Jo was already on her feet ready to head for her room.

  “Jo, thanks for doing this. I know you think it’s a dumb idea. Who knows? Maybe you’re right. Until I got this idea, I’d been staring at my computer screen for longer than I’d like to admit. I’m now excited again about my story. I do want to do my best for the character and, without your help, I’m afraid I’d make a mess of things.”

  I could listen to her read the want ads. That hint of a southern accent and that low sultry voice is delicious, like warm honey. Jo forced her attention back to what Stacy was saying instead of how it sounded to her. “You know, I have to be careful around you. Your accent lulls me into a state of uh…I don’t know the word to use that exactly explains the feeling, euphoria I guess. Listening to you makes me no longer in control of my brain. If I’m not careful, I’ll be agreeing to things I don’t want to do.” She grinned. “You should patent that speech pattern of yours.” Before she turned again towards her room, Jo shrugged. In an untypical moment of naked openness, Jo admitted, “Don’t be too grateful. I probably need to be here more than you need me to be here. I’ve been having a hard time, and I’m glad for the company.” Jo surprised herself by revealing so much to a virtual stranger. Maybe it’s easier to be so forthcoming because we are strangers.

  “Don’t go, then. Stay and talk to me some more.”

  Jo gave the offer some serious consideration. “No, not tonight, I’m beat. We’ll talk more tomorrow. Good night, Stacy.” Jo turned and limped down the hallway.

  Chapter 6

  THE NEXT MORNING, STACY had breakfast ready to cook when Jo came stiffly into the kitchen from the hallway. “Good morning, Jo. Tea or coffee?”

  “Good morning.” Jo took a seat at the counter. “At least we’re both cheerful people in the morning. That’s a plus. I’ll have tea,” Jo said, starting to stand. “You don’t need to wait on me. I can get it myself.”

  “I know you can. Please, let me. So what's on your agenda today?”

  “Sometime this morning, I need to meet with Amanda to find out what I have to do to become certified. That's certified, not certifiable,” Jo clarified adding a wink.

  “And what about the rest of your day?”

  “I'm not sure. Truth is, not having a job has been kinda tough for me. I'm not really used to it yet. I don't know what to do with myself at times. I’m not used to sitting around.”

  Stacy returned to the counter with tea for Jo. “What are your options?”

  “I don’t know for sure. I might be able to get a part time position in my old station as a dispatcher. I’ll need to check if I can work for them. There might be an issue with my pension plan.”

  “What about your job across the street?” Stacy pulled up a chair and joined Jo.

  Jo shrugged. “I only work a couple of days a week for the women across the street. As business picks up, the hours there will increase and take up some of my time. For now, that’s enough, because I need to do the exercises for my leg. I've been trying to walk as much as possible. It’s tough, though. I tire so easily. My muscles knot up and spasm, and I just can't go any farther. I've been pushing as hard as I can. By this spring, I hope to have my leg strong enough that I can ride my bike.”

  “And are you ready to tell me what you started to tell me last night?”

  Jo exhaled a tight breath. “You mean why I need to be here more than you need me to be?”

  “Yes.” Stacy replied quietly.

  Jo looked at Stacy who seemed genuinely interested and so far had not asked any unreasonable questions of her. “Well, I've been feeling at odds, I guess. In an instant I went from being an active, independent woman to being someone who hates to be alone, who's dependent on friends and on a stranger for companionship and support. I can't ride my bike, hike, go fishing, camping, or do any of the other things I like to do. I'm no longer a cop.” Jo fought the tears that threatened. “I feel like I've lost everything. My identity, you know, who I am.”

  “Well, you're still a lesbian. Right?”

  Jo smiled. “Yes, but that was never all of who I was. First, I was a human being. Then I was a daughter and a family member. I was all of those other things before I was a lesbian.”

  “So, you haven't lost everything then, have you?”

  Jo was impressed by the way Stacy had directed her down a path to a foregone conclusion. “No, I guess not.”

  “Jo, you'll get better than you are now. You'll adapt. You'll learn that you’re capable of much more than you think you are. Eventually, you'll find your way. Give yourself some time.”

  “Well, time is something I seem to have an abundance of these days.”

  “And that makes me a lucky woman because you have time to spend with me.” Stacy treated Jo to a broad grin and a flash of dimple. “What time do you have to meet Amanda?”

  “I think I'll hobble my way over there in a little while and wait for her to come in.”

  With breakfast concluded, Jo thanked Stacy before returning to her room to finish dressing. She put on her shoes and socks and added a sweater over her shirt. Stacy was still sitting there nursing a second cup of tea when Jo returned to the kitchen. “You know, I realized last night that you seem to know more about me than I know about you. I actually felt a little strange being here.”

  “You can't tell me that you've never met someone and gone home with them before.” Stacy arched a brow.

  “You mean like in a one night stand?” Jo chuckled. “Yeah, haven't we all? But it never lasted six weeks.”

  Stacy joined Jo in laughter. “I can guarantee we'll know each other well when our time is up.”

  “What are you going to do with your day today? Do you plan to do some writing? I can give you some time alone so your office is available to you.”

  “I have a few errands to run while you're over th
ere meeting with Amanda and giving your friends a hard time for pushing you into this arrangement.”

  Jo looked up in amazement.

  “Are you surprised that I knew that's what you'd do? It's what I'd do if I were you.”

  Jo shrugged. She felt her cheeks burn. This gal’s no fool.

  “Just keep in mind that they love you and just want what's best for you. They know you're hurting. I think they latched onto this idea, this offer, so you'd have purpose for at least a little while.”

  “Yeah, I guess you're right. I'll go easy.” Jo grinned. She liked Stacy much more than she ever thought she would and was actually starting to enjoy sharing things with her. Although they’d only known each other for less than twenty-four hours, she felt a sense of ease and camaraderie with Stacy and harbored a desire that they might become friends. She’d already trusted Stacy with confidences she hadn’t shared before, even with her close friends across the street. Sharing her feelings with Stacy just seemed right and effortless. She hoped that Stacy would eventually learn that they had more in common than she'd imagined. More than anything else, she wanted Stacy to understand that one’s choice in sexual partners didn't completely define who you were as a person. She hoped she’d come to understand it was just one facet of the total package.

  Jo made her way across the street leaving Stacy to make a few phone calls before she went downstairs to get into her car. First stop was the drug store where she picked up a companion chair. Then she stopped at the sporting goods store. By the time she arrived home and lugged her purchases up the stairs, the doorbell rang. She ran down the steps to let Jo back in. “I've got to give you a key,” she said over her shoulder as they climbed the stairs.

  “What's all this?” Jo asked looking over the objects piled in the living room.

  Gesturing like the model revealing a prize behind the selected curtain, Stacy replied, “This is a companion chair. And since you're my companion for the next six weeks, I thought we could use it to take our walks.”

  “What walks?”

  “I see you walk every hour or so when you're at the office. I thought maybe we could walk and talk at the same time. You can walk behind the chair ‘til you're tired. Then you can sit and I can push you home, or you can rest until you can go farther. At least you'll get a change of scenery instead of covering the same six or eight squares of cement in front of there, where you work.” Stacy gestured in the general direction of the shop across the street.

  “I worked hard to get out of a wheelchair. I don't want to go back in one.”

  “It's a companion chair. It's not the same thing.”

  “Maybe not to you.”

  “I understand what you’re saying. I’m just asking you to humor me and try it out. It'll give us an ability to go to places together at a greater distance than you can walk, in addition to letting you walk farther when you exercise.” Seeing the doubt still evident on Jo’s face, Stacy worked hard to make her case. “Say we want to go somewhere together, like a museum or something. With the chair, we can get you anywhere we want to go. Don't think of it as a step backward. You get into a car when it's too far to walk. Try to think of the chair as another type of vehicle instead of a symbol of your inability to make it as far as you’d like. And remember, six weeks from now, if you don't think you need it, I'll take it back to the drug store I rented it from.”

  “And what about that?” Jo pointed to the box in the center of the room.

  Stacy focused on the large box Jo was pointing to. “Hmm. That. Well, it’s something I'm not sure exactly how you set up. I think we'll be able to figure it out. You told me that you’d lost your ability to bike. The salesman assured me that this is a device that you can connect to your bike somehow, that allows you to ride indoors. It'll help strengthen your leg so that eventually, maybe by the time the weather is warmer, you'll have developed enough muscle strength to ride again.”

  Jo was overwhelmed by the kindness and thoughtfulness Stacy was showing her. Stacy’s purchases demonstrated that she listened to every word Jo shared with her. Jo blinked several times to clear the moisture threatening to spill from her eyes and changed the topic. “Do you ride?”

  “No, not anymore, not since I moved to New York. I used to love to ride when I was younger.”

  “You still look like a kid. How old are you, anyway?

  The dimple appeared in Stacy's cheek. “I'm older than you think. Thirty-eight. I was born on Halloween.”

  “What made you stop riding?”

  “When I first arrived here, I rented a room in the city...no room for a bike there. Then, when I moved in here, I didn't know anybody. I found it hard to make friends because I work so totally alone and do not encounter many people in the course of my work. I met a few people when I lived in the city. Sadly, unless I go into town, I don't see them very often. God forbid they come here. In their defense, none of them have cars. So it's easier for me to go there than it is for them to come here.”

  “Do you get lonely with just your writing for company?”

  “Sure. I have a few good friends from back home still. I keep in touch with them through email and video chat. I phone my parents and my sister regularly.” Stacy leaned forward and exhaled. “I admit that it's lonely sometimes. When I first saw the group arrive across the way, women my own age setting up shop, I was excited to think that I'd be able to make some new friends.”

  “You couldn't find better.”

  Stacy stood up. “Come on, let's have lunch, and then take a walk.”

  “It's cold out there. Isn't a sweet southern girl like you afraid you'll freeze to death?”

  “It gets cold in Virginia. I'm not as delicate as you think.” Stacy’s dimple flashed.

  “We'll see about that.”

  They made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, arguing the merits of bread with crust versus no crust and slicing the bread on the diagonal versus making a longitudinal cut. The good-natured teasing and banter left them both smiling by the time they sat down to eat. They cleaned up the kitchen and bundled up for their walk.

  Stacy rolled the chair down the stairs. “Believe me, it's a lot easier taking this down than it is carrying it up.”

  “Maybe we can leave it across the street.” Jo added a quick smile. “That way we, meaning you, don't have to carry it up and down all the time.”

  Their animated dialogue continued as they started their walk with Jo pushing the chair.

  Across the street in the office, Nic looked out the window and waved to the walkers. A smile slowly spread across her face before she turned and returned to the desk to dial Dana’s number to share the news with her lover that Stacy had managed to get Jo to use a wheelchair. It was something none of them had been able to accomplish despite their concerted efforts.

  As Stacy and Jo started to walk, Stacy asked. “So, how did you know you were gay?”

  “How did you know you were straight?” Jo rapidly retorted.

  Stacy regrouped. “Okay, when did you know you were gay?”

  Jo thought back to her first time she had kissed a girl. “I was fifteen, I guess. I had this friend, Beth. She was the cutest thing I'd ever seen. She was small and bubbly. We went to camp together and I ended up sharing a tent with her. She was a little older than I was and knew more about what sex had to offer. The night she kissed me, I thought my heart would pound out of my chest. I'd kissed a couple of boys and all I remember of the experience is that the first guy smelled and tasted of potato chips. The second one pushed his tongue in my mouth and I gagged!” She laughed at the memory. “But when Beth kissed me, as they say, the earth moved.”

  Jo looked back at the distance they had covered. They were chatting and walking slowly, and she hadn't paid attention to the amount of ground they had covered. She also felt reassured by the chair. Knowing that she could sit down if she had to and she wouldn't have to wait for someone to come rescue her gave her confidence to go farther.

  “Tired?”

&
nbsp; “No, I'm still okay. This is good. Thanks for walking with me. It gives me a sense of security that I'll make it back without having to call in the cavalry.”

  “So what happened with Beth?”

  Jo raised her eyebrows. “You want details?”

  “If you'll tell them, sure.”

  “Remember, I'm going to expect the same in return.”

  Stacy stopped walking and faced Jo. “When did that become part of our agreement? I thought you were supposed to educate me.”

  “Well, I'm kind of thinking I'll show you mine if you'll show me yours—figuratively speaking of course.”

  “Of course.” Stacy pursed her lips then let them spread into a slow smile. “Okay, that's fair, I guess.”

  “So she kissed me, and I had a million thoughts and emotions run through my head. My first thought was ‘Wow!’ That was followed almost immediately by, ‘What will my parents say?’ The way she made me feel when she slid her hand under my pajama top and touched my breast…well, I decided I'd worry about all the rest later. I focused on what she was doing to my body and how it made me feel. I had my first orgasm that night and never looked back.”

  “What happened to Beth?”

  “Camp ended and that was that.”

  “Did you tell your parents?”

  Jo pursed her lips in thought, recalling the struggle. “Not then. All I knew was that I was different. You know, different in a way that I had better keep secret. It was hard at first, because I was terrified that if I told my family or my friends what I had figured out about myself they’d stop loving me. It's a heavy burden for a kid to have to carry. I was always afraid that someone would figure it out back then. I had an advantage in a way. I was always athletic. I was good at and interested in all kind of sports. I did a lot with my teammates. I went places in a group with them, and there were several of us who didn't date, we just always hung out together.”

  “So you didn't have a girlfriend?”