Silence

by J. E. Taylor

  “Rob?”

  Silence met me.

  “It’s Jamie.”

  “I know.”

  “Are you okay?”

  Silence.

  “Rob?”

  “I’m sick. What do you want?” His gruff response left me cold.

  “I just... you never called... and...” I trailed off.

  “I couldn’t call. I got in a shit load of trouble for missing the bus.”

  “Oh. I’m sorry.”

  His sigh filled the line. “It was my choice. I needed to know, and now I do. Goodbye.”

  “Don’t hang up!”

  His breathing was the only thing that clued me into the fact he was still on the line.

  “Are we still friends?”

  “I laid my heart out and you stomped on it, what do you think?”

  “See, this is why I didn’t want to mess with what we had. This. Bye.” I was so aggravated that I smashed the handset into the receiver. Tears blurred my eyes and I wandered back to the school, cursing the fact I was so emotional.

  The piranha swarmed relentlessly for the rest of the day. It was like they sensed my emotional disturbance, and for the first time that year, I opted not to smoke between periods, because with my instability came a flare of outright hostility. If I subjected myself to their ridicule today, they would get a rise out of me.

  I ended up going to the nurse with what I deemed was an upset stomach, but it was really an escape and they let me go home early. My mother glanced at me in the passenger seat and I finally met her gaze.

  “I’m okay, I just feel a little nauseous,” I said. “Rob is home with the flu, too,” I added.

  “He did look a little pale yesterday,” she said and pulled into our driveway. “Grab a ginger-ale and some crackers and head on up to bed,” she added as the car cut off.

  I did as she asked and closed my door, climbing under the covers before my eyes leaked a tear. I curled myself around the mental anguish pelting me and drifted to sleep. The phone rang and I rolled, glancing at the clock. It was exactly a half hour after school ended and I picked up the receiver.

  “Hello.”

  “Jamie?”

  His voice blanketed me and I closed my eyes, snuggling into the phone. “Yeah.”

  “I’m sorry for snapping at you. I didn’t sleep at all and I feel like someone took a blow torch to my stomach, so I kind of lashed out.”

  I rolled onto my back not sure what to say. I sniffled and reached for the soda. “I’m sorry, too. I didn’t mean to stomp on your heart.”

  He let out a soft chuckle. “I’ll live.”

  “Are you really sick or just hung over?” I asked quietly.

  “I don’t know. I still feel like shit.”

  If it had been a normal drinking binge, I might deduce he was sick, but yesterday was a pure bender, kind of like mine on New Year’s. I felt crappy for days. “Did you get anything down today?”

  “A little.” The awkward silence persisted. “Are you going to be pissed at me if I decide to move on?”

  His question pulled a laugh from my lips. “No.” But a twinge in my gut disagreed. “I will be pissed if you trash our friendship because of this.”

  “Is there anyone else?” His question was tentative and quiet.

  “No. There hasn’t been anyone since Dan.”

  “He really hurt you, didn’t he?”

  The fact it still stung close to six months later was a testament to how crushed I had been. I sighed. The last time I talked about how much of a mess I was, I lost friends, but Rob had a right to know, to understand my hesitation in letting my heart feel that deeply again. “Yeah.”

  “You know I wouldn’t hurt you,” he said.

  That was the thing. I didn’t know. I didn’t trust him or anyone else with my heart. Not after how much I had been trampled on. Not with how many friends chose to abandon me. I know he wasn’t one of them, but he also didn’t see under the facade, or hadn’t until yesterday. The other’s had, and I could count the ones who stuck with me on one hand. Ironically, they were all guys, and they were all from other towns.

  I didn’t answer him.

  “You do know that, right?” he said again with more force.

  “Then just be my friend,” I whispered. Tears filled my eyes, burning my throat and making my voice raspy as hell.

  “Are you crying?”

  I huffed a small laugh but I didn’t deny it.

  “That just makes me want to hug you even more.” His quiet statement hung between us. “Okay,” he finally said. “But you cannot get all jealous and shit if I ask someone else out.”

  “I won’t.” At least I’d try not to, but I knew deep down, it would bother me, even though I had no right.

  “And in the meantime...”

  He didn’t continue, and I sniffled and wiped my eyes. “Yeah?”

  “We can still be friends with benefits.”

  I let out a throaty laugh and his chuckle lightened my heart.

  “I’ll see you at school tomorrow,” he said.

  “’Kay, bye,” I said and the dial tone filled my earpiece.

  THE NEXT DAY, BEFORE any words were spoken between us, Rob wrapped his arms around me in a warm hug, twirling me around once before he set me down. That mischievous sparkle was back in his eyes and he gave me a smile. It was like the reset button had been pushed, and we were back to normal.

  “Do you remember anything about the other day?” Natalie asked and his gaze moved to hers. The appearance of a smirk said more than words.

  “I apparently suck at trying to throw a punch.”

  Silence settled and then all four of us burst out laughing.

  All was right with my world, even with the white noise of derogatory slurs being slung in the background.

  NOTHING SIGNIFICANT happened between Rob and me, beyond a peck here and there, and talking got easier after I learned to ignore the longing in his eyes. It wasn’t until he started dating Becky that the twinge inside roared back to life. Every time he kissed her in my presence, all I could think of was his gentle caress and that soul-searing kiss on the grass.

  I think he knew it, because every now and then I’d catch him glancing at me after he broke a kiss with Becky. It was his way of flaunting it, of saying you could have been the one in my arms every day.

  I sucked it up, accepted the way things worked out, and pushed the regret into the pit with the rest of my repressed emotions.

  They were happy, and that’s all I could really ask for.

  Silence Chapter 10

  With only a couple of months left of school, I started getting restless and begging to be allowed to drive to school, now that I had my driver’s license. The new girl in the neighborhood, Brook Winstead, had been driving in with us on a regular basis, and we would be freer to talk if my mother wasn’t the one driving.

  When June rolled around, my parents caved, allowing me to take the car with strict guidelines. I was only to drive to school and back. No detours allowed, and certainly no picking up my other friends across town.

  I knew exactly who they were referring to. Natalie lived in the bad section of town and they didn’t want me venturing into Rockville. I agreed to the rules, although I had no intention of following them.

  No sooner was Brooke and I in the car, I announced, “We’re picking up Natalie.”

  “If your parents find out...” Brooke didn’t need to finish, but she was also easy-going enough just to go with the flow.

  We both sang to the radio, feeling like hot shit as I navigated the back roads of Rockville. As I approached the mills, some witch shot out in front of me. I couldn’t hit the brakes fast enough. The impact jarred me, and I blinked at us stopped in the middle of the road. It took a second to realize my head hurt and I glanced up at the spider-web crack on the windshield.

  I glanced at Brooke, and she was holding her forehead as well.

  “You okay?” I asked and shut the ignition off. The clea
ring of a throat next to the driver’s side door pulled my attention and a very pissed-off woman stood glaring at me.

  “Didn’t you see me?”

  I opened my mouth and shrugged. “I couldn’t stop in time,” I muttered, rubbing my forehead.

  “You scratched my bumper,” she screeched and pointed toward her oversized car. My vehicle had more issues than hers and I met her gaze biting my lower lip before the waterworks started.

  “I’m sorry, this is my first time driving to school and I was picking up my friend and...” I kept babbling even as the tears started and the woman rolled her eyes. She marched to her car and came back with two pieces of paper and a pen. One already had writing on it and she handed me both sheets.

  “I don’t have time for this today, just write down your insurance information and we’ll leave it at that.”

  I reached into the glove compartment and wrote down all the information, handing her it after a few deep breaths. “I’m so sorry for ruining your morning.”

  She glanced at me and then the front of my car and nodded before getting in her car and taking off, leaving me shaking in the driver’s seat. I pulled over to the curb and chanced getting out. My passenger side headlight was smashed and the side panel had a small buckle in it. I glanced through the windshield and met Brooke’s gaze. She was still rubbing her forehead.

  “I’m in a shitload of trouble.” I slid into the driver’s seat and continued on to Natalie’s. We didn’t speak much in the car, we were subdued and all I could think about was just how much trouble I would be in when I got home.

  Nerves bit at my insides all day as I tried to find a suitable explanation for the banged up bumper, the destroyed headlight, and the cracked windshield, but I really had no choice but to own up to my mistake.

  “I AM SO DISAPPOINTED in you,” my mother said, as she stared at the damage. Out of all the words in her repertoire, those six were the most powerful. I loved my parents, and I knew they loved me no matter what, but disappointing them always got to me. I would rather have my mother’s ranting scream than those words.

  “I’m sorry,” I mumbled, humiliated that Brooke had to witness my reaming.

  “You’re lucky no one got hurt,” she snapped glaring at me before her eyes moved to Brooke. “Are you sure you’re okay?” Her voice was softer, full of concern as she looked at the small bump on Brooke’s forehead.

  “Yes, I just have a little headache.”

  The daggers switched back in my direction. “She could have a concussion.”

  “So could I. I’m the one who cracked the windshield,” I didn’t mean to sound disrespectful, but her being overly concerned with my friend and not for me just pushed my buttons.

  Her hands found her hips and her lips thinned.

  “Do you need me to drive you home or do you think you can walk?” she directed the question to Brooke.

  “I’m fine, really,” she answered and slung her bag over her shoulder. “I’ll see you tomorrow?” Brooke asked me and I gave her a nod. We watched her walk up the street and around the curve where her house was only a few yards beyond.

  “You are grounded from having the car until summer starts.”

  There was no leeway in her tone and I nodded, accepting my punishment. After all, it was only a few weeks before school ended, and I could deal with not driving for that small span of time.

  THE LAST WEEKS OF SCHOOL dragged. Everyone was more than ready for summer, me included, especially since I knew my time of torture was coming to an end.

  The day the yearbooks came out, I picked mine up and went to the courtyard, taking a seat next to my friends as we leafed through the pages. The gang was unusually quiet, no slurs were shot in my direction and when I got to Heather’s picture and the words next to it, I knew why.

  There, in black and white, in all capital letters no less, was my name under the heading of pet peeve.

  Even Natalie, Becky and Rob fell silent as their eyes focused on the same thing. Most teenagers would be mortified, some would even pitch the book and run away crying, or finally scream a catalog of swears at the bitch squad.

  The entire courtyard waited for me to lose my shit.

  I stared at the words and the clarity of it all hit.

  Then I leaned back on the concrete bench and let out a genuine belly laugh, one loud enough to lock everyone’s gaze on me. My laugh echoed off the walls and even my friends looked at me like I had finally lost it.

  I could not stop laughing.

  It was the funniest thing on earth. I got so far under the bitch’s skin that she put me as her pet peeve in the yearbook. I flipped to Linda’s page and there was the same thing, which pushed me farther into hysterics and I don’t think my friends understood the true meaning of it all.

  I played the game, and I fucking won.

  She set out to ruin me, to have me running scared, and it didn’t work. My silence nullified Heather’s strangle hold on the school, making her look like a complete asshole to anyone outside her little band of bullies.

  And since I had become their main focal point for the last three years, I saved who knows how many others from their wrath and ridicule.

  One glance in her direction told me she had totally expected me to fall apart, and the hostility that transformed her features, pulled even more guffaws from me.

  Yes, I was laughing at her and her band of thugs, and it was completely liberating.

  Silence Chapter 11

  “Honey?” my mother called from the bottom of the stairwell.

  I finished touching up my make-up and stepped to the banister, meeting her gaze. “Yeah, Mom?”

  “Do you think you could run down to the hardware store and get me another copy of the house key?” She held the key up.

  I trotted down the stairs and plucked the key from her hand. “Sure.”

  The mid-July heat had finally set in and the quiet lazy days at the beach club were therapeutic. Almost every knot in my back had loosened, and the absence of building dread with each day that passed, bringing the next school year closer was an odd and welcomed feeling. The only drama was that of my friend’s relationships flaring and fading around me.

  I still wasn’t prepared to put any skin in the game, so I vicariously lived through my friends, alternating between twinges of envy and absolute relief as I listened to each set of ups and downs. So, the minute I walked into the hardware store and met the gaze of the guy behind the counter, I was not prepared for the electrified stun.

  His light grey-blue eyes stood out against his tanned skin. Normally, I wasn’t into guys with beards, but this one kept his neatly trimmed to just a hair’s breadth more than stubble, and it was sexy as hell. His slow scan of me heated my blood as much as his dimpled grin and he leaned on the counter.

  “What can I help you with?”

  Even the way he said it slid over me with a world of different meanings and I almost forgot what I was there for. It took me a couple of blinks to remember.

  “Oh,” I mumbled and fished around my pocketbook for the key, producing it like it was a winning scratch ticket. “I need a copy of this.” I handed him the key.

  He looked like he was in college, but the way his eyes kept flashing from the key cutter to me made me feel like I was thirteen again. Heat filled my cheeks and my gaze dropped to the floor. I had to refrain from shuffling my feet or swaying in place while my nerves played a tune I hadn’t heard in a very long time.

  When he handed the keys to me, our fingers brushed and my breath suddenly halted. I met his gaze and he licked his lips sending a flush of heat through my entire form.

  “It’s on the house,” he said in that low quality of sharing a secret.

  My eyebrows rose.

  “But only if you give me your number.”

  His slow grin was to die for and I wasn’t smooth by any means, but I found my wits and pulled one of the ads closer, plucked a pen out of the holder, and scribbled my number on the sheet before I flashed m
y best winning smile.

  “Thank you,” I said and I nearly skipped out of the store.

  I opened my car door.

  “Hey,” his voice pulled my attention to the store door. “You didn’t give me your name.”

  “It’s Jamie.” I slid in the car and gave him a small finger wave before I pulled out with my heart slamming against my ribcage.

  It took a while for my breathing to slow to a normal rhythm. I never asked his name, but I was sure I’d recognize that voice, so full of suggestion that my knees wobbled.

  I walked into the house, crossing into the family room. “Where do you want this?” I held the key up.

  “On the counter. How much do I owe you?”

  “Nothing.” I turned and put it where she directed.

  “Seriously,” she called from the other room.

  I poked my head into the room again. “It was free.”

  Surprised registered in her arched eyebrows. “Really?”

  “Yeah. I think the guy at the counter might be calling.”

  “Really?” This one was delivered with an interested smile.

  I could see the wheels turning in her head. A guy with a decent job was a step up from the line of dates I’d brought through the house since freshman year. Dan was by far the most clean cut of the lot, and I was sure if she saw the guy behind the counter, he would fall into her approval rating bucket, too.

  I gave her a smile and retreated to my bedroom, picking up the phone. I called the only person it made sense to share this with. Brooke.

  “You are never going to guess what happened today,” I started, and my heart skipped just thinking about him.

  “Are you okay?”

  Her question left me a little side tracked. “Yeah,” I answered, taking a minute to catch my breath. Just the thought of the guy seemed to pull the air out of my lungs. “Why?”

  “You sound a little weird.”

  I laughed. I felt a little weird, like I was under some odd binding spell. Well, maybe a lust spell would be a better description. “I’m fine. You feel like coming down?”