Silence

by J. E. Taylor

  We pulled into the Thompsons parking lot and he pulled around to the back with his fingers less than an inch from their desired destination. Without words, he slid out of the car and crossed to my door. Eric nearly pulled me across the space between the car and the building as he fumbled with the keys.

  I was slow to respond, feeling the full effects of Maui-wowie, and after he plugged in numbers in a keypad and pulled me inside the back office, I blinked.

  “Why are we here?”

  The door closed behind me and next thing I knew, he had me against the wall. His kisses were insistent and when his hand slid between my bare thighs, I pulled away from his lips. Eric searched my gaze.

  “I’ve never...” I didn’t finish and his hand didn’t move away.

  “You’ve never what?”

  “I’ve never... no one’s ever... I haven’t let anyone below the waist.” I stumbled on the words.

  He still didn’t remove his hand; instead, he started a slow stroke that lit a fire in the center of my being. “Do you want me to stop?”

  That question was so unfair. The logical safe part of me was screaming yes, but every other fiber didn’t want him to stop. Not with the tingles he was sending through me.

  “I won’t do anything you don’t want me to. I promise,” he said with eyes so sincere and so hungry that I pulled him to my lips.

  Adrenaline rode my blood as he carried me to a clear spot on the far side of the desk and laid me down. The rough industrial carpet tickled my bare legs as he worked the buttons on my shirt. My fingers were just as nimble unbuttoning his dress shirt, and I stared at his defined chest before running my fingers over his smooth skin.

  “You need to say stop when you want me to because I can’t read your mind, okay?”

  I nodded, but I couldn’t voice the okay. His lips crushed down on mine as his full weight dropped on top of me. My fingers ran through his thick hair as his kiss carried me into oblivion. Wherever his skin touched, mine burned with need, and when he broke the kiss, I think I groaned my discontent.

  His smile answered me and his tongue found the line of my throat that sent a rash of gooseflesh across me, along with a shiver that flowed like a wave. Before I knew it, my bra and shirt were off and he had taken to my chest, exploring my nipples and curves with his hands and his mouth.

  This was heaven, and he stayed in that zone for long enough to make his slow progression south almost imperceptible. It wasn’t until his hand slid under the hem of my skirt that I stiffened. He stopped and met my gaze. His hand started that soft caress again, the same one that had turned off all reason before.

  “Do you want me to stop?”

  The pleasure centers of my body screamed “oh, hell no”, but I just stared into his eyes. His hand did magical things to me at a cellular level, and I eventually shook my head. My inner-voice questioned my logic, but logic wasn’t driving me at the moment.

  He pushed my thighs open and moved the fabric of my skirt up until his lips landed on the inside of my thigh. I gasped and he slid his gaze to mine, shifting so he was between my legs, instead of stretched out to my side. I could see his eyes over the folded fabric and they were locked on mine, but his mouth, his mouth covered the front of my underwear. I stiffened and a small whine escaped my lips. The heat from his breath caressed me and for the first time in my life, I wanted the fabric gone. I didn’t want that barrier between us. I wanted his tongue to do things to me that I only dreamed of, so when he started to slide my underwear off, I didn’t stop him.

  My dreams had nothing on the reality. Eric did things with his tongue that drove me into the land of crazy. When his finger slid inside me, I had a moment of clarity and stiffened at the pressure, gasping. His progression stopped, but his tongue didn’t. His gaze never left mine.

  Inch by inch, I relaxed, giving myself over to him until the heat building inside me exploded with a rush of wetness and a moan. With a smile, he worked his way back to my lips, settling on top of me. The rub of the fabric of his pants couldn’t hide how hard he was and he glanced down at me.

  All he had to do was raise his eyebrow. I stared at him and pressed my lips together. The slow shake of my head put a stop to the want in his eyes and he nodded, understanding. No words were spoken, but he ground his hips against mine, using the fabric of his pants as a buffer as he took full advantage of the pressure between us to relieve his building heat.

  He shuddered and collapsed on top of me. I felt the slam of his heart and I stared at the ceiling. When his breathing evened out, he propped himself up on his elbows, running his fingers through the edges of my hair before he delivered the softest kiss.

  Emotions swirled in me, overwhelming my cells as the heat drained. His pants were tacky against my bare skin and I shifted, trying to find a comfortable position now that the carpet prickle turned to discomfort under his weight. I blinked the sudden mist that formed over my eyes and his soft smile transitioned to alarm.

  I tried to laugh it off, but the tears started against my will.

  “I...”

  I shook my head and put my fingers over his mouth, stopping the apology before it passed his lips. “You didn’t do anything wrong,” I said, my voice raw with emotion. I couldn’t explain the wave that hit or the logic behind the tears. I just had never felt so cherished as I did in that moment, and it was an odd, foreign feeling that came with a healthy dose of fear.

  After all, this was only our sixth date. Sure, we talked almost every night, even if it was for him to say goodnight, he still called, and I felt like I had finally found my soul-mate.

  I slung my arm over my eyes so he couldn’t see me cry and I cursed myself for the lack of control. He pushed my arm away and got to his knees, pulling me into his arms. That only served to turn the faucet on full blast.

  When the tears dried up, he smoothed my hair away from my face.

  “Are you okay?” he asked.

  I let out that nervous laugh. “Yes, for the first time in years.”

  He continued to search my eyes for some sort of explanation.

  “This is the first time I have actually felt in years,” I tried to explain. The intensity of emotion wrapping itself around me was so acute; it made me feel more alive than I had felt since before I stepped into the high school. It was as if his actions, his patient insistence, had destroyed the walls I had built over the years; leaving me at the mercy of every sensation and every emotion that accompanied it.

  He smiled, but I could tell he didn’t understand.

  “I lived through hell my first three years of school,” I said and reached for my shirt, slipping it over my shoulders. If I was going to get into this, I needed to be comfortable and between being half dressed and having to pee, this wasn’t the time to start the sordid story. “Before I really get into this, is there a place I can freshen up?” I asked, wiping my face.

  “Sure,” he said and pointed toward a hallway.

  I grabbed my clothes and disappeared into the bathroom. After doing my business and getting myself in order, I threw a splash of water on my face and looked in the mirror at my bloodshot eyes. A knock interrupted me and I opened the door to his still questioning gaze.

  I relinquished the space and went back to the office, taking a seat on the edge of the desk, waiting for him to come out. When he did, he crossed to me without hesitation and cupped my face, planting a soft kiss.

  “What happened?”

  “I was the target of a group of bullies, and the school told my parents that the girls were dangerous. I wasn’t to react to any of their...” I paused searching for the right word. “Attacks.” It was a small summation and I shrugged. “They physically attacked me once, and the rest of the time their assault was verbal; there wasn’t anywhere on the school grounds where I could escape. If I skipped having a smoke, they’d find me in the halls, if I went out to have a cigarette with my friends, they found me outside. And they were relentless. I learned to tune them out and when I couldn’t take
it anymore, I skipped school. I avoided reacting. Got high and kept silent.”

  His eyes reflected a certain pity that burned, and I straightened my back feeling the defiance flare.

  “I shut down. For three years, I wasn’t allowed to feel anything and I got used to it. It pissed them off to no end. The more I ignored them, the worse they got, but I never, ever let them get a rise out of me.”

  I dropped my gaze, trying to get a grip on the flurry building inside me. I inhaled and met his gaze. “So tonight, you just... overwhelmed me.”

  “I’m sorry,” he said and it was his turn to study the carpet.

  “It wasn’t in a bad way.”

  Something flashed in his eyes when he looked at me and he sighed, reaching for my cheek. I nuzzled into his palm, welcoming his touch. The way he caressed my cheekbone and studied my face warmed my soul.

  “I’m not sure what I’m going to do with you,” he said, and then blinked like he hadn’t expected to speak out loud.

  “What do you mean?” I cocked my head and he let out a soft laugh, choosing to look out over the dark store rather than meet my gaze.

  “I can’t seem to shut you out, either,” he said after a few minutes of silence.

  “Do you want to?”

  His face dropped into a serious expression, one I hadn’t seen before. It made me nervous in a way I couldn’t categorize, but then the right corner of his lips curved up into a half-smile, alleviating that sudden swell of nerves that clawed at my chest.

  “No.” He pulled me into a kiss, and I ignored the way the answer hung on the air, like a “but” should have followed, and that he’d opted to kiss me instead of finish his thought.

  Silence Chapter 16

  The first day of school... September 1982

  Senior year.

  My year.

  My only dark spot was that Natalie wouldn’t be there. Her family up and moved to New Hampshire during the middle of the summer, and I missed her already. But everyone else I knew and loved would be there, Rob included.

  I don’t remember ever being this excited about going to school. Even that first day of my freshman year was filled with nerves, and not the raw excitement pounding my skin. I drove into the parking lot grinning, and exchanged a look with Brooke, happy to have her as my co-pilot again.

  And that grin remained plastered on my face until I stepped into the courtyard.

  One of the younger, leftover members of the gang started in with the slurs as she crossed towards her remaining clan, carrying on the fucked up tradition. She expected me to shy away or ignore her. She thought I was an easy target, someone weaker, whom she could ridicule without retribution.

  She’d grossly miscalculated her power.

  I stepped into her path, blocking her from the rest of her crew. My glare made her sauntering step stall. A tense silence blanketed the courtyard and Angie’s eyelids blinked in surprise. After all, I had never intercepted either Heather or Linda before, and I sure as shit never let the fury etch into my features or my hands curl into fists. My entire demeanor reeked of the violence stored in my blood.

  All the pent up anger I had been suppressing exploded to the surface as I stepped toe-to toe with her.

  “This is MY senior year, so back off, bitch!” The venom in my words, punctuated with the poke of my finger into her chest, made her physically step away from me. I actually saw fear in her eyes and I ate it up. “I suggest you crawl back into whatever hole you came from, and leave me the fuck alone,” I added with a feral growl.

  Her swallow was audible and she gave me a shaky nod, lifting her hands with her palms facing me like a silent plea for me to calm down. She kept her hands in that palliative manner as she shifted far enough out of my reach to skitter around me. Fear painted her eyes wide, and I tracked her with my glare until she was a few feet from her remaining friends.

  I reined in my fury and slowly uncurled my fists, aware that the skin of my palms burned from the indents made by my nails. Almost everyone in the courtyard stared at me with their mouths hanging open.

  I gave a nod and moved toward my group of friends. They parted like the Red Sea, letting me reach my usual seat without uttering a word. When I pulled a cigarette from my pack, three lighters appeared, and I glanced up at everyone. My eyebrows rose at the awe etched in their features, even Rob held a reverent gaze.

  Somehow, I had just stepped into the realm of royalty.

  The heavy silence signaled the change in guard and everyone, including the wayward clan, was waiting for me to take the lead. I looked around before smiling at the irony. With a deep inhale of nicotine, I scanned each friendly face, exhaling in a long slow stream and flicking my ash on the ground.

  “So, how was your summer?” I asked, breaking the spell.

  Conversations jump-started all at once, and for the first time in years, light-hearted laughter reigned over the courtyard.

  I PRACTICALLY BOUNCED from class to class, taking breaks between a few classes to have a smoke.

  “What’s up with you?” Rob asked and I met his bright-eyed gaze.

  “I met someone this summer.” I couldn’t help the grin that formed, even though I saw the flash of hesitation in his eyes. The group surrounding me moved in, all eyes locked on me waiting for details of who I was mysteriously dating. Glances were exchanged.

  “With who?” Becky asked.

  “He doesn’t go here,” I said, squashing any potential rumors. “He’s actually out of college.”

  Rob crossed his arms and glared down at me. “What?”

  His nose flared in that overprotective manner that I mostly adored, but sometimes, like now, just annoyed me. I was the protector of the group. The matriarch of our little band.

  “He’s a nice guy,” I said.

  “He just wants to get in your pants,” he countered.

  “So do you.”

  He blinked and opened his mouth to argue, but it popped closed a moment later, and his gaze scanned the courtyard, looking for anything to focus on. When he didn’t find a suitable focal point, his gaze found mine. He didn’t deny it, either, instead, he shifted his weight and sighed.

  “Are you sure dating someone that old is a smart move?” His words were chosen with care and I smiled.

  “I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself.”

  He huffed a laugh and took a seat next to me. “Well, if he hurts you, I’ll have to kick his ass.”

  Silence Chapter 17

  Saturday night was date night and had been ever since I met Eric in late July. Our conversations traveled the gambit from movies to school to travel and everything in between. Every now and then, when we were high and hanging out at my house, Eric would ramble about one of his exes.

  Those rambling sessions always left me a little uncomfortable because they revolved around sexual fetishes, like, being bound to a bed or blow jobs, and it would always end with him raising an eyebrow. I laughed it off, but I think he was inviting me to try new things, without using a direct question, and I never took the bait.

  Outside of those awkward suggestions, conversation between us was easy and his kiss still stole my breath away. Our forays on the hardware store floor continued and Eric remained patient even though his eyes got that crazed look in them a couple of times, like I was pushing him over the edge. Even so, the grind of hips through the fabric always gave him the release he needed.

  After almost three months of this craziness, I was so totally in love with the man, that it was hard to say no, especially since he could bring me to multiple orgasms with his hands and mouth until I was dripping and panting like a dog in heat. But even at those moments, when he gave me that eyebrow raise asking for permission to make love to me, I always said no. Each time, the disappointment in his eyes was more pronounced, and the grinding would commence.

  While his hips ground into me, I often wondered just how sweet and how strong it would be if I let him make love to me and there were several times when the yes st
uck on the tip of my tongue. But he hadn’t told me he loved me, he hadn’t said the words.

  Oh, he told me he adored me, that I was special, that he even cherished our time together, but he never said the word love. I kept that word on lock down as well. Saying it out loud to him would give him all the power, and something about his lack of that declaration kept me silent and saying no. That was the only part of the equation that was missing.

  The hardware store floor wasn’t exactly the perfect romantic getaway, but it had become my private bliss. The only time I seemed to completely let go of the walls surrounding me. The only time I felt free from my past, and with my heart clamoring in my chest more than any adrenaline rush, I truly felt alive.

  On a chilly night in early November, I shivered in the bathroom, running my hands through my hair to get it in order. I smiled at what I saw in the mirror. My cheeks were always flushed after one of our sessions and tonight Eric had taken his time, teasing me and making it last much longer than ever before. Tonight saying no had been damned near impossible, but when I did, there hadn’t been the level of disappointment in his eyes that I saw before. It was almost relief and my smile faded as a nervous tension filled me.

  I straightened out my clothing and took a deep breath before I met him in the office. When he didn’t step toward the bathroom to clean himself up, that nervous tension cranked up into a full out alarm. His gaze stayed glued to the carpet and I could feel my insides shrinking away.

  “You can go clean up now,” I said, trying to avoid whatever was going on behind that serious expression.

  “In a minute,” he said and brought his gaze to mine. He took a deep breath and sighed and everything that had come before rolled into a lie, and my emotions went into full retreat.

  “I have tickets to the Elton John concert.”

  I blinked, not expecting that sentence, or the trepidation that filled his voice. I think I laughed a little but whatever smile had formed as the words sank in faded at the hesitation written on his face.