Let It Burn

by Ruth Cardello

  Andrew almost said, “Something did,” but instead nodded once.

  Asher turned his son against his shoulder. “Sorry.” Emily elbowed him and gave him a pointed look. “I do love you. We all do.”

  His father cleared his throat. “Why don’t we bring this all back inside and start over?”

  One by one, his family turned and walked back in the house until only he and Helene remained on the steps. He bent and whispered against her lips. “Any minute you’ll realize that being with me is not worth all the shit I’ve brought into your life.”

  She went on her tiptoes and between kisses said, “I’ll never say that.”

  A few minutes later, after sharing a deeply passionate kiss, they stood simply holding each other. “You deserve to be with someone who can love you.”

  Her eyes turned sad. “And that can’t be you?”

  He hugged her tighter. He wanted to say it could be, but the man he’d been wouldn’t have walked out of the house and left her with his family. He wouldn’t promise her anything until he knew he’d be there for her, not battling shame and confusion. He still felt nothing for himself beyond disgust. How could a man like that love anyone?

  Chapter Seventeen

  In what could only be described as a surreal turn of events, Helene found herself seated at a large table having dinner with Andrew’s family as if nothing unusual had occurred. Conversation was polite. Stories were told and laughter occasionally erupted.

  Helene remembered what Andrew had said about his mother being fragile and everyone tiptoeing around her. She wondered what his family thought of her. Not that fear of their opinion would have changed a single thing she’d said.

  She cringed as she remembered her choice of words. She’d never been one to swear or to cause a scene, but something inside her had snapped when she’d watched Andrew’s brothers essentially run him out of the house. She’d understood Andrew’s withdrawal. From the way he’d described his family, there was no winning unless he chose to push back, and he didn’t feel he could do that without upsetting his mother. She wasn’t proud of how she’d handled the situation, but if she was allowed to do it all over again she wasn’t sure she’d do it better. She’d been angry for Andrew. He needed his family’s support, not to get into a shouting match with them. Andrew didn’t want to give himself anything else to regret, and that’s why he’d removed himself.

  It was also why he was pushing her away.

  She thought about what Andrew had said just before they’d come back into the house and a wave of sadness swept through her. He not only didn’t love her, he didn’t see it as a possibility in the future. It hurt to hear it. While conversation buzzed around her, she sat quietly, and the realization that he meant more to her than she meant to him sunk in. She excused herself and sought the solace of the guest bathroom.

  After washing her hands a few times, she met her eyes in the mirror. She thought about something her father had said when he’d walked in and caught her crying over a raccoon they’d tried to save, but who had ultimately died of complications from internal injuries. She’d apologized and told him she was trying to not break down every time they lost an animal. He’d said, “There’s no shame in crying, honey. You love animals. Love is what keeps us caring and no matter how things turn out, it’s always worth the pain.”

  Always worth the pain.

  She was definitely more carefree before she’d met Andrew, but she couldn’t wish she hadn’t met him. She’d meant it when she’d said she was falling in love with him. He’d brought a whole side of her to life, a side she hadn’t known was dormant. If he hadn’t come into her life she wouldn’t know what she wanted from a relationship. He had deepened her understanding of what was possible and given her insight into even her own parents’ marriage. They were partners both in marriage and in their passion for the rescue. Perhaps because they had experienced some intense situations, the bond between Andrew and her was strong. He might worry that he couldn’t be there for her the way he thought he should be, but he’d already proven that he wouldn’t leave her. With actions, if not in words, he’d already shown that her safety was his priority.

  He’s probably feeling guilty about walking out of his parents’ house without me, but I get it. I pulled him into what he said he wasn’t ready to face. If I had one do-over, I would let him come here on his terms.

  She dabbed her tears away. He needs me to be strong. I can cry later when this is all over.

  She stepped out of the bathroom and came to a skidding halt when Andrew’s mother called out her name.

  “I didn’t mean to scare you,” Sophie said, stepping close so she could lower her voice. “I wanted to thank you for bringing Andrew to us.”

  “You’re welcome, but it was really Dax who brought him back,” Helene said, clasping her hands before her.

  Sophie reached out and laid a hand on Helene’s. “I’m so glad my son found someone like you.”

  Helene’s eyes filled with tears. She wanted to believe he felt that way. “He’s an incredible man.”

  “Yes, he is. He’s hurting, though, isn’t he?”

  Since it was far from a secret, Helene nodded.

  “Has he told you why?”

  Helene shook her head.

  Sophie brought a hand up to rub her temple. “It’s my fault, you know. I faced something ugly once, and I let it beat me. My husband worried about me so he kept our house peaceful. We didn’t realize what message we were sending to our children. When things go wrong, they don’t know how to turn to each other for help. They snap because they’ve never talked things out. Asher truly does love and admire Andrew, but none of my sons are comfortable talking about their feelings. He needed to hear he wasn’t expressing himself appropriately. We’re not perfect, but when it matters, we’re there for each other. Especially since Kenzi opened my eyes to how my pain had affected the family. It wasn’t easy to hear, but it brought us closer together. I’m not perfect and I don’t need my children to be. I want to be there for them, for the good times and the bad times. I don’t want to miss out on any more than I already have.”

  “Have you said any of this to Andrew?” Helene asked.

  Sophie opened and closed her mouth for a moment then said, “No. Not yet.”

  “You should. He needs to hear it.”

  Sophie wiped a tear from the corner of her eye. “Before you leave, I’ll take him aside and tell him.”

  “That’ll be good for both of you, I think.”

  Sophie nodded. “Don’t let this visit run you off. We’re actually a very nice family once you get to know us. I hope you’ll give us a chance and come back again.”

  Helene wanted to reassure Sophie, but knowing this visit might be her last made her choose her words carefully. “I’m sure I will. Sorry about how I acted earlier. That wasn’t the best first impression of me.”

  Sophie studied her face quietly then said, “You were beautifully fierce for all the right reasons. Asher can still be a hammer at times when a softer approach would work better. With Emily he’s a lamb, but he has always charged in first and reflected later. I wish I knew how to get those two boys to see that they are more alike than they are different. My greatest fear is my children end up like my sister and I did. We never did find our way back to each other. She was a stranger to me by the time she died, and I regret that as much as I regret anything else. That’s not the lesson I wanted to pass on to my children. It would break my heart to see their relationships with each other become irreconcilable.”

  Helene wasn’t sure what to say so she made sympathetic sounds and gave Sophie’s arm a supportive rub. “I’m sure it won’t come to that.”

  Sophie smiled sadly. “I’m so sorry to lay this on you. I spent so many years holding everything in that it bursts out of me at times.”

  “It’s okay. I understand.”

  “Andrew said your family lives in Florida. Are you close?”

  “Very, my mother is my best fri
end.”

  “What does she think of Andrew?”

  “She says he’s amazing.”

  “And your father?”

  Helene smiled ruefully. “He was understandably concerned when he first heard I was coming here, but he trusts my judgment. I told him this was important, and he’s being supportive of both Andrew and me.”

  “I’d love to meet them sometime,” Sophie said.

  Helene whipped out her phone. “Really? You have no idea how much better it would make them feel if you said a few words to them now.”

  “Oh. Now? Right now?”

  “Sure.” Helene dialed her parents’ number. When her mother picked up, she said, “Mom. Dad. Put me on speakerphone. I’m here with Andrew’s mother and she’d like to say hello.”

  Sophie accepted the phone and held it to her ear. She looked slightly uncertain when she greeted them. “Hello.”

  Helene watched and waited as her parents spoke. She could only see Sophie’s expression and hear her side of the conversation, which made it tricky to gauge how it was going.

  “Yes, Sophie Barrington. Helene and Andrew are at our home having dinner with my other children.” There was another pause while Sophie listened, then she said, “Six. Five boys and one girl. Your daughter is absolutely lovely.” Sophie’s eyebrows arched. “No, I hadn’t realized he’d been staying with you. An exotic animal rescue? How fabulous. I would love to talk more about what you do, as connecting good causes with donors is one of my passions.” A moment or so passed as Sophie listened again. “Absolutely. Thank you for the invitation. Of course I’ll speak to Andrew about it first. I don’t want to intrude. The same for you. You’re welcome to visit anytime. I’d love to show you Boston.”

  Sophie held out the phone to Helene. As soon as she had it back, Helene held it to her ear. Her mother was already speaking.

  “. . . wonderful. Your father and I were sure things were fine, but we feel so much better now that we’re sure. Now, go, have fun and don’t give us another thought.”

  Her father said, “We don’t care about the hour; call us tomorrow.”

  “I will,” Helene promised. “Love you both.”

  “We love you, too.” After pocketing her phone, Helene realized Sophie was still watching her. She reviewed what she’d just done and wondered if she’d made Sophie feel uncomfortable. “I’m sorry. I should have asked if you—”

  Sophie cut off her apology by giving her a brief hug. She pulled back and blinked several times quickly. “I am truly blessed with the partners my children have chosen. You’re exactly what my son needs. I hope he’s in a place where he can see that.”

  Andrew left the dinner table to check on Helene. He was cursing himself for bringing her into what had to be an uncomfortable situation. The drama that had initially erupted in response to his arrival had been replaced by forced, polite discourse that he found just as difficult to endure. He wanted to get out of there, and this time Helene was coming with him.

  He hadn’t realized his mother had also left the table until he saw her in the hallway having a conversation with Helene. Oh, God. He wasn’t able to hear most of what they said, but he’d held back a laugh when Helene had handed her phone to his mother. He didn’t need to ask to know who she had her talking to. His mother was far from shy, but it was fascinating to watch her interact with a whole different level of friendly. Helene didn’t polish things up. Despite what they’d seen in Aruba, she had retained her confidence. There’d been no hesitation in handing the phone over to his mother, and he admired that about her. She was naturally optimistic without being unrealistic.

  She was also thoughtful. She hadn’t called her parents because they’d demanded that she do it. She hadn’t put his mother on the phone because someone had pressured her to. She’d wanted to ease her parents’ concerns. How they felt was important to her.

  Just like she values how I feel. She’s here because she cares about my relationship with my family.

  Hearing his mother say, “I am truly blessed with the partners my children have chosen. You’re exactly what my son needs. I hope he’s in a place where he can see that,” made it sound as if it were merely a matter of choosing Helene.

  It wasn’t that simple.

  He stepped closer and said, “So this is where you both went.”

  Helene turned to face him with a start.

  Sophie exchanged a look with her then said, “Do you have a moment, Andrew?”

  “Of course,” he said, but first went to hover over Helene. Her eyes were red and puffy. “Are you okay?”

  Helene nodded. “Absolutely.”

  “I’ll just be a minute then we can go if you want.”

  She gave him one of those long, heartfelt looks of hers that always left him feeling a bit shaken then smiled. “Take all the time you need. I hear the dessert is amazing.”

  He gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. “Save a piece for me.”

  “Save for you, eat for you . . . I’ll decide when I see what it is.” She winked.

  He chuckled and she turned to make her way back into the dining room. Once he and his mother were alone, she touched his arm lightly. “Andrew, I’m so glad you’re here.”

  “Me, too, Mom,” he said.

  “Don’t lie. You’re sorry you came home, but you shouldn’t be. We needed to see you.”

  He hunched his shoulders. “I never meant to worry anyone. I know I should have—”

  “Stop. You’re here now, that’s what matters.” She touched his cheek gently.

  “Is it?”

  She searched his face again. “Andrew, I want to say something, and I’d like you to hear me out. Really hear me.”

  He shrugged, listening.

  “When you were little, you brought every scrape or imagined boo boo to me because you knew I could make you feel better. When we lost Kent, I stepped away from that job without realizing it. I became so wrapped up in my pain and my guilt that I didn’t see how my withdrawal hurt and affected all of you.” Her voice broke. “It took an outburst from Kenzi to open my eyes.”

  “Don’t get upset, Mom. That’s the last thing I want.”

  She gripped his arm. “I don’t want to fail you anymore. Any of you. I’m not made of fragile glass, Andrew. You can get angry with me. You can bring your problems to me. Families don’t have to be perfect, and we’re not. I know you’re dealing with something. I can see it in your eyes. You don’t have to tell me what it is, but you don’t have to hide it from me, either.”

  For a moment he let himself believe in her and was simply a tormented man standing before his mother. He rubbed both of his hands over his face. “I fucked up, Mom.”

  She rubbed a hand over his back. “Oh, Andrew . . .”

  He straightened. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t put the weight of this on his mother. “I have to go.”

  She stepped in front of him. “You don’t have to tell me what happened, but you can’t keep it in, either. I did that, and it just got worse. Kenzi said she did the same and it tore her apart. Talk to someone, a professional or a friend. Don’t keep this inside or it wins. The pain wins every time.”

  “I will.” Andrew reached out and gave his mother a tight hug. She hugged him back just as fiercely. When he stepped back, his mother was still teary eyed but smiling.

  She said, “When you have time, there’s someone I’d like you to meet. Clay Landon is a friend of Dax’s, and he started a foundation to help veterans.”

  Andrew sighed. “Thanks, but no thanks, Mom.”

  She nodded, but there was a silent determination about her, a strength of will that hadn’t been there before. “So, I see you haven’t given Helene a ring yet. How serious are you two?”

  Andrew lifted and dropped a shoulder. “I care about her.”

  “She’s good for you.”

  “Yes, but I’m not myself, Mom. Not yet. I don’t know if I ever will be again.”

  His mother gave him a long, sad look. “Sh
e loves you.”

  “I know,” he said in an equally sad tone and turned away. He didn’t want Helene to love him. Not like this.

  He returned to the dinner table, sat beside her, and took her hand in his. The love his mother had referenced was right there in her eyes when she looked at him, and it added another layer of guilt. It wasn’t fair of him to continue as they were. She was offering her whole heart to a man who was only half there.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Later that night, naked, Helene woke, still tucked against Andrew’s chest. She smiled lazily as she remembered how their evening had ended with Andrew carrying her into their hotel room and making slow, tender love to her. There wasn’t an inch of her he hadn’t adored. It was confusing to feel sated even while so much was left unsaid. “Andrew?”

  He kissed her forehead. “Yes?”

  “Are you sorry we came to Boston?”

  His chest rose and fell with the deep breath he took. “No. My family needed to see me.”

  His evasive answer didn’t ease her confusion. How did he feel about seeing his family? Had it been too much? “I shouldn’t have pushed you. I should have respected that you wanted to see them tomorrow.”

  “You meant well. I understand that.”

  Meant well? He wasn’t giving her anything. “How did the talk with your mother go?”

  “Good, I guess. She adores you.”

  Helene snuggled against his chest. “I’m easy to love.”

  He turned onto his side and ran his hand through her hair. “There’s something I need to talk to you about.”

  The seriousness of his tone made her tense against him. Was it over? Please don’t let it be over. “Yes?”

  He sat up and turned on the light beside the bed. “What I’m about to tell you could ruin me if you ever made it public.”

  “I won’t repeat it to anyone.” She sat up also and clutched the blankets to her. The conversation wasn’t the one she’d feared, but it looked just as painful for him.