The Beloved Hope Chest

by Amy Clipston

  “What happened?” He rushed over to her. “What burned?”

  “Everything burned. I ruined the pork chops and the potatoes. I wanted to make you dinner, but I can’t even do that right. I’m so sorry. I must have set the oven temperature way too high.”

  “Calm down.” He looked at the stove. “Did you turn off the oven?”

  “Ya.” She returned to waving the dish towels and attempting to send the smoke out through the opened windows.

  “Kumm.” He grabbed her arm and led her through the mudroom.

  “I need to clean up the mess.” She tried to release her arm from his grip, but he held on to her tighter, moving her to his side. “I have to clean up the kitchen.”

  “Forget the kitchen.” He looked down at her. “Supper doesn’t matter. I’m just glad you’re okay. I saw the smoke, and I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest. Let’s just let the smoke clear and then we’ll make sandwiches for supper. I don’t care what we eat.” He steered her out of the house and onto the back porch.

  She coughed and breathed in the fresh air.

  “Are you sure you’re all right?”

  She nodded as a lump swelled in her throat. “I wanted to make a nice supper for you. I’ve done nothing but sleep since—the—well, since I got home from the hospital.” She shook her head as despondency rained down on her.

  She glanced behind her at the clothesline and found it was empty. Tillie had not only washed Mattie’s clothes and linens, but she had folded them and put them away. Mattie had done nothing but slept today.

  Her shoulders slumped. She wasn’t living up to her duties as an Amish wife. She had no purpose in this household. She was no good for Leroy. She was nothing but a burden.

  “Mattie?” His eyes searched hers. “Are you upset about more than the burned dinner? What are you thinking right now?”

  “I can’t do anything right.” Her voice quavered. “I can’t do my own chores.” She pointed to the empty clothesline. “Tillie had to do our laundry.” She gestured toward the kitchen. “She cleaned our haus. I can’t even cook a meal without burning it and almost setting the kitchen on fire.”

  He rubbed her arms. “It’s not important—”

  She held up her hand. “Please let me finish.” She took a tremulous breath. “I can’t even give you a healthy baby. I’m a failure as a fraa. You’d be better off without me.”

  His mouth formed a hard line. “Don’t say that. I would not be better off without you. I need you, and you need me.”

  “No, you don’t need me.”

  “Stop talking narrisch. You’re just upset. I’ll make us sandwiches, and we’ll eat out here on the porch.” He pointed to the glider. “Sit, and I’ll bring you a mug of root beer and a sandwich. Just calm down. I promise everything will be fine.”

  She nodded, and he released her arms. As he walked back into the kitchen, she sank onto the glider. Her body trembled as the reality of her decision came into clear focus in her mind. She had to let Leroy move on with his life, and the only way to do that was to leave him and go back to her parents’ house.

  Wrapping her arms around her middle, Mattie pushed the glider into motion with her toe. She scanned Leroy’s pasture and barns, committing them to memory. She would miss this house and this life that she and Leroy had attempted to build together. But she didn’t belong here. Leroy deserved a wife who could give him what he needed, and she was only the shell of the woman she’d once been.

  Mattie silently prayed that Leroy would forgive her for what she was going to do and that he would one day understand why she had to leave.

  “Did Mattie call a driver to take her to the grocery store?” Tillie’s voice rang through the harness shop.

  “What do you mean?” Leroy asked, sitting up straight and turning from the worktable where he’d been creating a wallet.

  She jammed her thumb toward the door. “I just saw Mattie climb into a van and leave. I would have done the grocery shopping for her or gone with her if I’d known she was leaving.”

  Alarm slammed through Leroy as he stood. “She didn’t tell me she was going to the store. In fact, she was still in bed when I came to work this morning.”

  “Maybe she meant to tell you she was going.” Hank straightened the display by the register. “She probably left you a note.”

  “I’ll go check.” Leroy rushed out of the harness shop and nearly ran up the path to his house.

  He entered the kitchen and spotted a folded piece of paper on the table. When he picked it up, he realized it was a letter. His heart seemed to slam against his rib cage as he read it.

  Dear Leroy,

  Danki for all the patience and love you’ve given me the past few months. You’ve gone above and beyond the call of duty of a freind. I can’t thank you enough for opening your home and your heart to Jacob and me.

  I thought we could make this marriage work, but I’m not cut out to be your fraa. I’m no longer the strong woman I was before I lost Isaiah and Jacob. I thought I could pick myself up and move on, but I can’t.

  When you married me, I needed a home and a daed for mei boppli, and you needed a fraa to help you run your haus and your business. You’ve kept your part of the deal, but I’ve failed you. I realized last night when I burned supper that I have no purpose in our marriage. You deserve a hardworking wife who will take care of your haus while you work, but I just can’t do it anymore. I don’t have the strength or the determination to move on without Jacob.

  You’re better off without me. I’m going to stay at my parents’ haus until I figure out what I’m going to do next. I’m taking most of my clothes with me, but I’ll come for the rest of my things after I’m settled somewhere permanently.

  I hope we can someday be freinden because I will miss you.

  Sincerely,

  Mattie

  Panic mixed with confusion seized Leroy. Mattie had left him. Why hadn’t he seen this coming?

  Suddenly their conversation on the porch last night echoed through his mind. She’d said she couldn’t be the wife he needed, but he had decided she was just upset about the burned supper. Why hadn’t he realized she was serious?

  He couldn’t let her go. Their relationship had deepened with Jacob’s death, and he was starting to believe Mattie was falling in love with him too. The way she had clung to him during the wake and funeral was a sure sign Mattie’s feelings for him were growing, right? Leroy couldn’t let his marriage dissolve the way his parents’ had. He had to go after her. He couldn’t just allow her to walk out of his life the way his father left his mother. He had to go get her, and he had to go now.

  Gripping the letter, he walked back into the harness shop, thankful to find only Tillie and Hank there without any customers to listen in on their private conversation.

  “She left me.” His voice was thick with his swelling grief.

  “What?” Hank stepped over to Leroy. “What do you mean she left you?”

  “She’s gone to move back in with her parents.”

  Tillie gasped, covering her mouth with her hand.

  Leroy briefly explained their conversation last night after she’d burned dinner. Then he held up the letter and summarized what she’d written. “I’m going to go after her. I’ll be back later today.”

  “Leroy, stop.” Tillie grabbed his arm and prevented him from walking out of the shop. “Just let her go.”

  “What?” He stared at her. “How can I let her go?”

  “Trust me.” Her lips flattened into a frown. “It’s the best way to handle this.”

  “I can’t. I love her too much.”

  “I know you love her, but you need to give her time. I know how she feels. I’ve been there.” She looked past Leroy. “Right, Hank?”

  He nodded. “She’s not thinking clearly now, but she’ll realize she’s made a mistake in a few days. Let her go to her parents’ haus and sort through her confusing feelings.”

  “She’s been through a
lot.” Tillie released his arm, and it fell to his side. “No one gives us instructions on how to handle grief. It’s not our place to tell her how to feel or act after losing both Isaiah and Jacob only a few months apart.” She touched his arm once again. “Just let her go.”

  Has everyone gone crazy? “I can’t let her go. She’s everything to me.” His voice broke.

  “She’ll come back to you,” Hank said.

  “Mei dat didn’t come back.” He sank onto one of the stools in the work area and rested his forearms on the table.

  Tillie sat down on the stool beside him. “She’s just feels like she’s drowning right now. When she comes up for air she’ll realize you’re what she needs. Have faith, Leroy, and rely on God.”

  He swallowed. “My worst fear was winding up like my mother, and here I am all alone in that big haus.”

  “Leroy, look at me,” Hank said.

  Leroy looked up at his best friend as he leaned against the wall. “What?”

  “Mattie is not like your dat. She didn’t meet someone else and leave you for that person. She’s upset and confused. This too shall pass.”

  “Danki. I hope you’re both right.” Leroy looked down at the wallet he’d been creating. “I’m going to get back to work.”

  Giving Mattie space made sense, but how could he stay away from her? Closing his eyes, he begged God for the strength and wisdom to help Mattie’s heart heal and to win her back.

  CHAPTER 14

  “MATTIE? IT’S TIME FOR YOU TO GET UP AND FACE THE world.”

  Groaning, she rolled over to her side and opened her eyes, staring at the plain white walls. It took a minute for her brain to register that she was on the sofa in her parents’ little cottage.

  “Lizzie?” Mattie sat up and faced her sister, standing in the doorway leading to the front porch.

  “You do realize it’s almost noon, right?” She jammed a hand on her hip. “Mamm said you refused to get off the sofa until nearly two o’clock yesterday afternoon and you ate very little all day. She’s worried about you.”

  Glancing around the small family room that melted into the little kitchen, Mattie searched for her parents. “Where are Mamm and Dat?”

  Lizanne pointed to the door. “Mamm is working in the garden, and Dat went to the furniture store.”

  “So Mamm sent for you so you could talk to me?”

  “Ya, she did. I don’t know why she didn’t call me yesterday.” Lizanne marched over to the window next to the sofa and opened the green shade, sending a flood of bright September sunlight into the room. Then she opened Mattie’s suitcase on the floor and pulled out a green dress and apron before handing them to her. “It’s Monday. This is the day the Lord has made. We will rejoice and be glad in it.”

  Mattie blinked against the bright sunlight. “Please don’t trivialize my grief.”

  Lizanne frowned as she sat down on the sofa beside Mattie. “I’m not trivializing your grief. I’m sorry if it seemed that way.”

  “It’s all right.” Mattie pushed her long hair behind her shoulders and leaned back against the sofa.

  “How are you feeling?” Lizanne folded her long legs under her blue dress and black apron.

  “I’m tired.” Mattie rubbed her abdomen, which seemed to get flatter with each passing day. “I feel like I could sleep my life away.” And my heart is broken beyond repair.

  “I’m worried about you.” She touched Mattie’s hand. “Mamm said you won’t talk to her about what happened. You just said you needed to stay with her until you can figure out where you’re going to live. I didn’t know you were so upset. I would’ve come to visit you more if I knew you were so bedauerlich.” Her blue eyes sparkled with tears.

  “Don’t be sorry.” Mattie hugged a sofa pillow to her chest. “It’s not your fault. You didn’t know.”

  “What happened? Why are you staying here with Mamm and Dat?”

  Mattie swallowed a deep breath and finger-combed her thick hair. “I don’t know how to be a gut fraa anymore. I just can’t do anything right. I’m a mess.”

  Lizanne gasped. “Why would you say that?”

  Mattie studied the pillow in her arms as she explained what happened with the burned supper and her conversation with Leroy on the porch.

  “Ach, mei liewe.” Lizanne touched her cheek. “You’re not a failure. And the doctor said you can have a healthy baby. You just need to give your body time to heal. Give your heart time to heal too. Everything is going to be okay. It will just take a little time.” She paused for a moment. “Leroy loves you and he needs you. You do belong with him, and he wants you with him.”

  Mattie touched the tag on the pillow. “No, I’m no use to him. It’s better if I stay here.”

  “How long are you going to stay here and sleep on the sofa?”

  She met her sister’s intense stare. Mamm had definitely sent Lizanne to try to talk some sense into her. “I don’t know. I haven’t figured out where I’m going to go next.”

  Lizanne paused, twisting her lips. “I told you when Isaiah passed away that Al and I have plenty of room. You should move in with us. You can even have your old room back.”

  When they were married, Lizanne and Alvin took over the house and farm where Mattie and Lizanne grew up. Then their parents moved into the daadihaus.

  “No. I don’t want to get in the way of you and Al. You deserve your privacy.”

  Lizanne sighed and rolled her eyes. “We’ve been married for nearly two years. It makes more sense for you to sleep in your old room than for you to sleep on Mamm’s sofa.”

  “I’m fine here. I mean it, so don’t worry about me.” She didn’t want to discuss this anymore. She pushed herself up from the sofa. “I’m going to take a shower and get dressed.”

  “Wait.” Lizanne reached for her hand, but Mattie pulled it away. “I have one more question for you.”

  “I need a shower. We can talk later.” Mattie started toward the bathroom.

  Lizanne followed her. “Just tell me one thing.”

  “What?” She spun to face her older sister.

  “Do you love Leroy?”

  “I don’t know what I feel about anything anymore.” Mattie’s voice trembled. “All I know is I need a shower.” She headed into the bathroom and closed the door behind her, shutting out Lizanne and the rest of the world.

  Leroy blew out a frustrated grunt and slammed his knife down onto the worktable in the harness shop. He’d ruined another piece of leather.

  Although he’d spent the morning attempting to create leashes and key chains, he destroyed each piece of leather he touched. He folded his arms over his chest and slumped on the stool. Today was a lost cause. Why had he bothered getting out of bed?

  Because you can’t sleep.

  He hadn’t slept since Mattie walked out on him Saturday morning. He’d lain awake, staring at the ceiling in the downstairs bedroom as his mind replayed snippets of his brief time living with Mattie.

  He questioned and criticized himself endlessly, wondering if he had truly done his best to be patient, accommodating, and kind enough to Mattie. Perhaps he had somehow hurt her without realizing it. He tried to do everything right, but she’d still run out on him, leaving him with nothing but a broken heart and a big, lonely house.

  What could I have done differently?

  The questions and regret haunted him day and night. Since yesterday was an off-Sunday without a church service, he’d considered going to visit his brother, but he couldn’t bring himself to face Joel and admit Mattie had left him. Instead, he’d spent most the day sitting in the family room, staring at the wall as the day crawled by at a snail’s pace.

  This morning he’d risen early, cared for the animals, and ate a piece of toast before dragging himself to the harness shop to sit in the workroom and ruin piece after piece of leather while Hank worked the front of the store.

  He couldn’t bring himself to face customers in his current mental state, and thankfully, Hank had l
eft him alone after saying a brief good morning.

  “Leroy?”

  He looked up at Hank standing by the entrance to the work area. “Ya?”

  Hank pointed toward the table covered in pieces of leather. “Are you going to murder all our stock or just the parts you find particularly offensive?”

  Leroy rubbed at a knot in his shoulder without cracking a smile. Hank’s jokes didn’t amuse him at all today. “I’m sorry. I thought I could work, but I’m not thinking clearly.”

  “It’s fine. I was just teasing you.” Hank leaned against the wall. “Are you hungry?”

  “Hungry?” Leroy looked up at the clock on the wall. “It’s noon already?”

  “Ya.” Hank rubbed his brown beard. “Tillie would like you to join us for lunch. We can close the shop up for an hour, or she can bring it here.”

  “I don’t think we should close the store and run the risk of losing customers. You go eat. I’ll stay here and run things. I can sit up by the register so I don’t miss anyone.”

  “I’m not going to leave you here alone while I go home to eat lunch. There’s a way to enjoy lunch and not lose customers.” Hank pushed off the wall. “I’ll make a sign telling customers to knock on my door for service.” He gestured for Leroy to follow him. “Come on. If I don’t bring you home to eat lunch with us, Tillie will come and get you. You don’t want me to send mei fraa after you, do you?”

  “No, no, I don’t.” Leroy sighed and stood, pulled on his straw hat, and followed Hank to the front of the store. Then he leaned on the counter by the register and yawned while Hank quickly created a sign for any customers who came while they ate.

  Once the sign was taped in the window, they exited the store and Hank locked the door behind them.

  Leroy covered his mouth with his hand to shield another yawn as they climbed the porch steps of Hank’s house.

  Hank held open the back door. “Did you sleep at all last night?”

  “I slept a little.”

  Hank motioned for him to step into the mudroom. “A gut lunch will give you some more energy.”