Lucian Divine

by Renee Carlino

  “Lucian, who are you?” I asked aloud.

  I squinted, trying to see the movement of the water. The soft lapping against the beams of the bridge were actually waves beating violently against the concrete and steel. I leaned farther and farther until a gust of wind blew me back.

  I could feel him. He was there.

  “OH CHRIST, OH God, what is she doing?” I was barreling toward her so fast I could feel my wings cramping.

  She had said my name. I had been lost, tormented, looking everywhere for her. I’d gone to the apartment, but she was gone. Abigail had no idea where Evey was. She mumbled something about Evey leaving really early to go do denim for Tracey. Abigail wouldn’t even look up from her phone to talk to me. I wanted to slap her for not caring. Cursing loudly, I flew to the warehouse, but it was empty. I headed toward the bridge, and that was when I heard Evey say my name.

  I was flying toward her. She was leaning over the guardrail almost entirely, her feet dangling off the ground. I pushed the air toward her. She gasped and found her footing back on the walkway. I sat perched on the railing, poised and ready to react. I wondered what she was doing. She squinted, staring straight forward, then she jumped up and dangled over the railing again, farther this time. I popped into a body walking by and appeared behind her. It was a male, attractive, around her age.

  “Hey there, what are you doing? That looks dangerous,” I said to her.

  Her body stiffened, and her feet hit the ground. She waited five whole seconds before turning around and looking at me. Taking a step closer, she stared into my eyes. Her mouth was slack, as if she couldn’t find her voice.

  “Do you want me to call someone for you?” I asked.

  She stepped even closer. She was studying me with intense focus. “I know it’s you,” she said quietly, barely loud enough for a normal person to hear over the wind and traffic.

  “Excuse me?” I said.

  “I know you’re in there, Lucian.”

  I blinked. Fuck. “Sweetie, I think I should call someone for you.”

  “I can smell you. I can tell it’s you.”

  I hadn’t zapped her good enough. It occurred to me that I could zap her again in that moment, but I didn’t. She reached for my hand, but I pulled it back. I was going to try to convince her.

  “What is your name?”

  “You know my name,” she shot back. “I remember. It’s like a foggy dream. We held each other, but I remember. You were in my house, in my bed. I know it’s true.”

  It was hard to continue lying to her. “Do you have a car in the parking lot that I can walk you to?”

  “If you don’t know me at all, why don’t you leave me alone?”

  “I’m concerned for you. You seem troubled. And you’re basically hanging off this enormous bridge. It’s dangerous.”

  “Leave me alone,” she said.

  I needed to try a different approach. I smiled, fairly certain this guy had a nice enough face. She didn’t smile back. “It’s not every day you see a gorgeous woman dangling precariously over the rail of the Golden Gate.”

  “I’m no damsel in distress.”

  “No?” I couldn’t take my eyes off of her mouth.

  She came closer. What is she doing? She leaned forward.

  “Kiss me, Lucian,” she whispered near my ear. “I want you to kiss me, but I want it to be Lucian.”

  I couldn’t control it. I couldn’t stop myself. I couldn’t deny her.

  When I left the stranger’s body and revealed myself to her, our mouths collided. We were kissing, our tongues twisting, our hands going everywhere. I spread my wings as far and wide as I could to wrap them around us as we kissed. We were cloaked, invisible to the rest of the world. Only Evey could see that we were cocooned by a curtain of black feathers.

  She pulled away from my mouth, breathless. She was putty in my arms.

  “I want you,” she said. “I want you inside of me.”

  Zack’s voice echoed in my mind. The only way you can be together is to take her out.

  “Did you hear me? I want to be with you,” she said before kissing me again.

  I pulled away. “Like have sex?”

  “Yes. That, and I want to be with you forever. I don’t know how I know that. I just do. I’m in love with you, aren’t I? And you did something to me?”

  “It’s a mind trick, Evey. You’re meant to feel that way toward me.” We were still huddled inside my wings.

  “If we can’t be together, I’ll jump and you won’t be able to stop me. I can feel in your fingertips how much you love me.”

  I touched her cheek and ran my fingertips down her jawline. It was true. Every cell in my body ached for her.

  “Ahh, touch me everywhere, Lucian, please.”

  I kissed her hard. Her legs gave out. I held her body to mine. “Do you trust me?” I asked.

  “More than anyone.”

  It pained me to hear that, knowing what I was about to do.

  I flew up off the bridge, still holding Evey. She nestled into my chest like a sleeping baby, and I pressed my mouth to hers. She opened her eyes as we began falling fast toward the water. There was no fear in her body… yet. We kissed as we plummeted under the surface of the rigid bay water. Down and down we went, still kissing. I knew she wasn’t breathing. I wasn’t breathing either, but I could hold my breath for fifteen minutes—long enough to end Evey’s life as a human.

  After a minute, I started to feel her fear. She pulled away; her eyes were open and pleading. I held her tightly to my body. She began to gasp. She held onto my neck as she breathed in water. Her body began to jerk. She put her mouth on mine, seeking comfort. When she started convulsing, I gave up. That was it. I couldn’t do it. I braced her against me and shot straight out of the water. I blew breaths into her mouth until she coughed. I was flying to her apartment as fast as I could.

  Evey was out of it, trembling and gasping for air. “Why?” she tried to say as she coughed uncontrollably.

  I got her into the apartment unnoticed. I carried her to the bathroom and started a warm bath. Her teeth were chattering as she tried to speak again. “Why?”

  Standing her on her weak legs, I stripped her clothes from her shaking, blue body. “I’m so sorry,” I said. My voice sounded like a cry. I picked up her naked body and placed her in the tub. She had the utmost trust for me still. I couldn’t understand it.

  Rubbing her arms and legs to warm her up, I chanted over and over, “I’m so sorry. Please forgive me. Take me, God, I can’t bear this.”

  As if it weren’t enough that I had almost killed the only living being that had ever meant anything to me, I was also feeling the intense effects of alcohol withdrawal. I was almost convulsing myself, and I was tortured by what I had done. All I could do was stare hopelessly into Evey’s trusting, chocolaty eyes, so warm and so innocent. What had I done?

  “Take me, God,” I said again.

  “Stop saying that, Lucian, please. I’m okay. I just don’t understand anything. Are you shaking because you’re cold? You can come in here with me.”

  I shook my head. “I’ll tell you everything, but not right now. Right now we need to warm you up. I should not have done that. It was a mistake. I’m sorry. I promise I won’t keep anything from you ever again.” I owed it to her to tell her as much as I knew, and I planned to do just that.

  After dressing her and carrying her to bed, I lay down beside her and stroked her hair. Her eyes were closed, but she was awake. She curled into my body, so I held her closer. I tightened my grip. I would never let her go.

  “I feel like I’m on drugs when I’m with you,” she said near my ear.

  In a low voice, I told her, “I am so in love with you, Evey, but I can’t be with you. I’m not allowed. You’re in love with me because I am made to make you feel that way. I was never supposed to let you see me. Another angel told me that if I took your life, you would become like me and that we could be together.”

  “D
o it,” she said quietly.

  She’s going crazy. I caused this. “I told you why you feel that way. Please don’t be reckless. I could never go through with it. It hurts so badly to say this, but we can never be together. I have to protect you. Don’t you see that? I tried today, and it was the worst feeling I’ve ever had. I don’t see how it would be possible.”

  “So what are you saying? That you’ll try to make me forget you again? That I’ll go on with the rest of my life with you hanging around while I have dreams of you… while I ache for you?” She remembered everything. I didn’t know how I could make her forget. I was in unchartered territory.

  “I ache for you. I’ve ached for you for so long. Since you’ve grown up, I’ve wanted to be with you. When you were young, I wanted to teach you everything about the world. I wanted to protect you. I still do, and this is the only way I can. I have to follow the rules so that I can be here for you forever.”

  She laced her fingers between mine. “You’re warm. Why are you trembling?”

  “I’m an alcoholic,” I told her.

  Her eyes opened wide. “You are?”

  I nodded.

  “You’re so human,” she said, “so flawed. I love you more because of it.”

  “I know it feels that way, but I’m not human. Flawed, yes, but not human.”

  “I can help you get sober, if that’s what you want. We can be together. What’s going to happen if we’re together?” she asked.

  I knew she could. Not being able to have her was half of the reason I drank, or maybe it was the whole reason I drank. “I don’t know what will happen, but I’m too scared to find out. I don’t want to risk your life anymore.”

  “I’ll never get over you,” she said.

  We kissed again.

  She removed my T-shirt and ran her hand down the muscles of my back. “They’re gone. You’re so human.”

  She took off her own clothes, and I didn’t stop her. I just looked on in awe. Why hadn’t Mona shown up? Why hadn’t someone intervened?

  We were naked, and I took her in, running my hands up her smooth sides, cupping her breasts, teasing her. Things sped up, and we were kissing frantically. I put my hand between her legs and touched her.

  “Ahh, Lucian. Make love to me.”

  “I’m going to, but let’s slow down.” I was still waiting for someone to come and remove me from the situation.

  Just let me have this one night, God, Mona, whoever.

  I kissed my way down her body, sucking her nipple into my mouth while my hand teased her below. She reached down and touched me, taking me in her hand, stroking me.

  “Please, I want you,” she pleaded.

  God, it felt so good. There was no way I could stop. I had never made love to a human. I didn’t know what would happen. As I kissed farther down, she writhed beneath my touch. We knew how to move with each other.

  “I love touching you. I love that you can feel me,” I told her.

  I still couldn’t believe she wanted me to take her life so we could be together. The shakes had stopped. I was calm, content, in heaven. I felt as though I was on drugs too as I kissed her smooth skin. Then my mouth was on her, between her legs, sucking and teasing. Her body was perfect, and the sounds she made were beautiful. I couldn’t stop.

  Her hands were in my hair, and she was pressing her body to my mouth. I had never tasted anything so sweet. I would quit the bottle to have that every day. She pulled me up to kiss her mouth.

  “You taste so good,” I said.

  She shivered. I was holding myself over her, looking into her eyes.

  “I love you,” she said.

  “I love you too.”

  She spread her legs wide. “I need you now, Lucian.”

  A moment later, I was inside her. We were one, moving with ease and grace, kissing and touching and gripping. I had never felt anything so good in my long, long life. Her heat was so arousing, I thought I was going to lose it. I moved up on my knees, still connected. I touched and teased her while I stayed moving inside of her. She arched her back. The sounds stopped; I felt her tightening around me. I let my body fall forward so that our mouths could connect again. She wasn’t breathing—she was coming, and so was I.

  It was surreal. She was just reduced to nothing. She whimpered and then held my head to her chest.

  “Jesus,” she breathed.

  “Lucian,” I corrected.

  She laughed then, and I laughed too. All of the weight of the universe, the unknown, the rules, God, and what would become of the two of us just dissipated. It vanished and we became two people giving and taking from each other all in the same.

  We spent the entire day in bed, goofing off, making love, and getting to know Lucian and Evey in a completely new way. That was the moment when I started to change my mind and believe that we could actually be together.

  “WELL, WE HAVEN’T turned into pumpkins yet,” I said, curling my naked self into Lucian’s strong body. It was the afternoon… we were still in bed.

  His chest rumbled as he said, “‘We haven’t yet,’ is right. You can’t tell anyone, Evey. Who knows what will happen?”

  “I figured that. Anyway, who would believe me? But are you going to stay here, with me?” He knew I wanted him to. I didn’t have to say it.

  He seemed more resolute than before. “Yes. I’ll have to meet with Mona later. You’ll be sleeping. I need to talk to her. I’ll find out if there’s anything we can do.”

  “How are you doing, having not had a drink?”

  “I’m fine. I haven’t even thought about it. I really only developed that habit in the last couple of years.” He squinted, searching my eyes as if he was trying to read my mind. “Is it strange for you, knowing that I’ve watched you grow up?”

  “No.” I had thought about it earlier but decided it wasn’t strange at all. “It’s not. It’s oddly comforting.” I had a lot of questions for him, but I was content to stay in bed with him forever and pretend like everything was completely normal.

  “Evelyn, do you have questions for me? Do you want to know things about us? About you and me? I had to…”

  “It’s a little fuzzy, like when we met in the bar and when you told me who you were.”

  “Yeah. I didn’t want to do it, but I had to…” He swallowed. He was hesitating and nervous. I felt his heart speed up.

  “Did you do something to me?”

  “I had to make you forget me,” he said. “I’m sorry.”

  “Just tell me what you did.”

  “We use our thumbs and press them to your—”

  “I remember.”

  “You do? You remember a lot, don’t you?”

  “You told me you loved me.” I sat up. “I remember, you said, ‘I’ll always be here for you.’”

  “I don’t know how it’s possible, but it didn’t work on you. It was temporary.”

  “How many times have you done that to me?”

  “That was the only time, I swear to you, Evey.”

  “Swear to God?” I demanded.

  He smirked. “Really?”

  “Yes, really.”

  “I swear to God. It was the one and only time I have ever tried to erase your memory. I’m good at what I do. I normally wouldn’t have to do that. But swearing to God…”

  “What? It’s frowned upon?”

  “No, it’s just meaningless. People shouldn’t lie to each other to begin with. People shouldn’t have to fear hell in order to tell the truth. They should fear that their lies will ruin relationships or get them in trouble, here now, on Earth, with the people they love.”

  “You sound human when you say that, Lucian.”

  “It’s what I’ve always wanted for you… real truth. I can’t tell you what will happen once you’re gone from this Earth. How is that for faith? I can tell you for sure though that there are consequences to your actions here, while you’re living.”

  “You were Keith the other night, weren’t you?”
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  He nodded, and then rolled onto his back and stared up at the ceiling. I thought he was avoiding making eye contact with me. I wondered if he had felt guilty for the stunt he pulled in Keith’s body.

  “You were actually Keith?” I asked again.

  He nodded again. I started laughing hysterically. Lucian was trying to control his own laughter.

  “So the erectile dysfunction thing was your way of keeping me off him?”

  “Yes.” He chuckled. “I’m not proud. Lies, Evey, all lies. I regret getting myself into that mess.”

  I stopped laughing. “Why didn’t you just make love to me as Keith? I was obviously willing.”

  “Yeah, you were all over him.” He seemed irritated by that fact.

  “Why didn’t you let him make love to me?”

  “It wouldn’t have been love for you, not with him. And if I had gotten out of his body and let you guys… you know? It wouldn’t have been love for him either. I had overheard him earlier. He wasn’t into making love that night. He just wanted to have sex with you. I’m sorry, Evey. I hate telling you that. I was trying to protect you.”

  “So he wasn’t into me?”

  “He was into you. You’re beautiful. No man on this planet wouldn’t be into you, but that night Keith wanted to party. It would not have been special for you or for him. Trust me.”

  “Maybe I didn’t need special.” He grimaced. “Anyway, I sensed that it was you, once we were in the club,” I said. “You could have made love to me as Keith.”

  I was lying in bed, naked, next to this celestial creature, and he was just a man to me. A beautiful, jealous, kind, loving, possessive man.

  “I wouldn’t have been able to satisfy you as Keith.” He smirked. “Let’s just leave it at that.”

  Then we were kissing again.

  Of course I had a lot of questions. Questions like, “Am I dreaming? Is this possible?” I’d had a hard time believing in the tooth fairy as a child, let alone the fact that someone or something had been following me around my entire life and that that something or someone looked like this guy. When I was a teenager, I had actually thought that the government was a sham, so religion was total fiction to me. That’s how cynical I was. I had thought love was a choice not a feeling. Of course that could have been due to Brooklyn’s negative influence after we had become old enough to date. Somehow, every guy, regardless of how much I liked him, eventually turned into a buffoon by the end of the night. I wondered though if maybe Lucian had more to do with that than Brooke.