1811-1812 How It All Began- Part 1

by Deborah E Pearson

  When he turned his mind to Miss Jane Bennet, Darcy could not make her out. She was so serene that Darcy could not make out if she were embarrassed by her family or not. Her behaviour was uniform and her countenance hid all form of emotion. Darcy decided could not make out if she had any remarkable loving feelings toward Bingley or not, or even if she felt any emotion. It did not for a minute occur to him that she might wear a public mask as much as he did.

  He turned his attention back to Miss Elizabeth and felt every embarrassment that she felt as if it were his own embarrassment. Anything that made Miss Elizabeth uncomfortable made him the more so, and he wished for the privileges of a husband to shield her from such pain.

  At some point, Bingley called for a song, and Mary Bennet moved quickly to the pianoforte and gave a bad rendition. She began the second song, causing Mr Bennet to rise to tell her to let the other young ladies have time to exhibit. Oh, how much he longed for an excuse to aid Miss Elizabeth. Her discretion and her manners were without fault. She did not deserve to be embarrassed in such a way. Oh, to be able to take Elizabeth out of this ball where she looked so embarrassed and unhappy, yet he could not think how he could do that. Why oh why could he not have husbandly privileges? This ball was torture for both of them.

  Recalling his attention to the room, he heard Mr Collins lecturing on the innocence of music as a diversion. Not always. In times gone by and amongst the heathens, music is used to whip up the passions and to induce immorality. Mrs Bennet once more started up, this time to say loudly that Mr Collins was such a sensible young man, a conclusion that only a vulgar person would make. She went on to say how Elizabeth would make him a good wife. Jealousy once more rose in Darcy's breast, and he sent a silent prayer up to heaven

  Oh god! No, she must not marry another, especially that man! Hmmm, if I were less honourable, struggling as I am, the dishonourable solution would be to offer her carte blanche, to be my wife in all but name. No! No Darcy child will be born outside of wedlock. It unsupportable! Oh please do not let her not marry such a ridiculous man. My heart would be forever torn asunder should I have the misfortune to have to see Miss Elizabeth miserable in marriage. It will be bad enough should I not find a way in which I could make her my wife.

  There was nothing that Darcy could do. He must give up any thought of Elizabeth. Her family proved that the only two who were irreproachable in the company were Miss Jane and Miss Elizabeth. Even then Darcy was not sure if Miss Jane disapproved of the family behaviour or not. That would not go well for them and, given their lack of connections, no respectable family would encourage a match with either of them. No, he could no longer think of Elizabeth. He would recover in time, and he must make sure that his friend stops giving any attention to her elder sister.

  As the dancing recommenced, Darcy was about to offer Elizabeth to dance the next two with him. However Mr Collins was now again asking Miss Elizabeth himself, and Darcy saw Miss Elizabeth refuse. Darcy was in no humour to dance with any other woman, so he passed the rest of the night in misery watching Elizabeth sitting with a man who refused to leave her side, even though it was clear that she had no pleasure in his company. Something in Darcy yearned to go to relieve her plight, yet he felt danger in doing so, therefore he decided not to dance anymore that night either. He also did not dare to talk to Elizabeth anymore. This lead to him pacing the room for the rest of the evening, although often being drawn to where Elizabeth was sitting. Mr Collins seemed to have no interesting topic of conversation, but alas Darcy noticed Elizabeth's best friend Charlotte Lucas often sitting with them and trying to take Mr Collins' attention away from Elizabeth, which brought a new idea to Darcy's mind. Maybe Elizabeth would refuse this man's overtures, and maybe Miss Lucas intended to marry him herself if she could. Being a sensible man, Darcy decided that he would not hope for such a happy conclusion for himself. All of this was so uncomfortable to Darcy that he felt the need to escape.

  Once the ball was over, the Bennets were the last to leave. At last, all the evening's guests were gone, and Darcy excused himself immediately to go to bed. Closing the door of his bedroom, Darcy found his head full of too many contradictions. He took his journal out from the writing desk he carried with him when he travelled. He ruled the page into three columns. At the top of the first column he wrote Miss Elizabeth's name, at the top of a second, he wrote his own, and at the top if the third he wrote his sister's name. From there he proceeded to list the events of the night as best he could from what he perceived would have been the perspective of the person at the top of the column. Miss Elizabeth he knew was totally embarrassed by her family that night. Had it been Georgiana he knew she would have been totally humiliated and not wanting to show her face in public for a month. His tactic did not work: he realised he had no point of reference to judge whether or not this was a regular occurrence (true, he had viewed lapses in the family at other events, but nothing on the scale of tonight).

  The more he thought about Mr Collins, the more he came to rue even dwelling on the thought of Miss Elizabeth and that man! Miss Elizabeth is so witty and vivacious, so beautiful and intelligent, but Mr Collins is so shallow and obsessed with monetary wealth, so solemn and such a bumbling idiot. That would be a bad match of character. Further, his aunt would not like Miss Elizabeth at all. However, Darcy did have to admit from a prudential standpoint there was a certain amount of sense in marrying the man set to inherit your family home.

  Darcy nearly decided to ride over in the morning and offer his hand to Elizabeth. No, he couldn't do that! Her mother, father, and younger sisters made such a bad impression on his mind that he could not be happy with such a family and gave up that thought almost entirely. How could he offer his hand to Elizabeth and then stop his friend doing the same to her older sister? No, it would not do. Bingley must never make that offer to Miss Bennet, and Darcy must never make his offer to Miss Elizabeth. No there was nothing he could do to prevent Elizabeth marrying either the clergyman or Wickham if he were careless enough to make such an offer. Miss Elizabeth had to choose for herself without him.

  The contradictions raged around his head all night; he could think of nothing else. He still feared also that once he made his mind up and shared Georgiana's near disgrace that Miss Elizabeth would despise both he and Georgiana. He wanted Miss Elizabeth so badly but feared that there was no way to make her his.

  He had a headache; he was jealous and he was unable to make sense of his feelings, Miss Bennet's feelings and Miss Elizabeth's feelings. He faltered with indecision, and he ached to do the opposite of what his mind told him should be done. He could not write to his sister, nor could he decide the best course of action. He missed His parents; he missed his sister; he missed Elizabeth; he missed his cousin, and had nobody who could advise him or help him. He felt so bloody lonely, that suddenly the future and his world looked bleak. Nothing he could do would change that.

  He could not ask Bingley's advice for Bingley always relied heavily on Darcy to help him. He cursed himself for indecision. He cursed himself for falling in love. By morning the contradictions still raged, but Darcy had chosen his course of action and would see it through even though he felt it tear his heart to shreds. Having made his decision he crawled into bed and slept for a couple of hours, before getting up and speaking to Miss Bingley and Mrs Hurst to see if they thought Miss Bennet cared about Bingley. Why it was that Darcy didn’t consider asking the advice of Miss Elizabeth, is something he would later regret. It would not be until the following year that he would realise he had let an important chance to avoid making a mistake pass him by.

  Sleep however still would not come, and so, Darcy was up early and downstairs before Mr Bingley left for London. Darcy wouldn't speak to Bingley now about Miss Bennet. Soon after breakfasting Mr Bingley left for London, and now Darcy put his plan into action.

  "Miss Bingley, I would like to know what your opinion is whether or not Miss Bennet cares for you brother."

  "Mr Darcy, I assure you
that she does not care about my brother at all."

  You are no friend to the match I know, can I trust your judgement on this matter? "Can you be sure of that?"

  "Yes Mr Darcy, I am totally convinced of it."

  "What about Mr Bingley, does he care about Miss Bennet?"

  "Definitely, but he will listen to you if you tell him that she does not care about him."

  "Hmmm ok, I think then we should follow him to London – there I will talk to him myself." This was enough confirmation to Darcy that he was correct in his measure of the situation. He listened to Miss Bingley and Mrs Hurst as they expressed their fears all day. The instructions were given to the servants to close up the house and send their luggage to London. Miss Bingley then wrote a letter to Miss Bennet and the business of the day was sorted.

  That evening Darcy tried to read, but his lack of sleep from the night before meant that he couldn't concentrate on his book. Early Darcy made his excuses and went to bed. He slept fitfully that night and wondered if he would ever sleep soundly again. His dreams were filled with Miss Elizabeth in very improper situations and with scolding, crying women.

  The next morning he and Miss Bingley and Mrs Hurst left before breakfast and arrived at Grosvenor Street by mid-afternoon. Mr Bingley was at home and immediately Darcy drew him aside. "Bingley I must talk to you about something important," he began as soon as they were alone.

  "Upon my word Darcy, whatever can be so important?"

  "I must talk to you about Miss Bennet," began Darcy, knowing that if he put it off, his determination would waver about Elizabeth.

  "Darcy, she is the most beautiful woman of our acquaintance, and I love her," declared Bingley. Darcy groaned inside knowing if he were challenged about Elizabeth that would have been his response. However, Miss Bennet did not return Mr Bingley's affection, and so the hard task is now going to happen.

  "Bingley, do you have any intentions towards that woman?"

  "Well, I hadn't made any plans to make her an offer yet."

  “Good, do you think that Miss Bennet returns your affection?"

  "Well, yes. I believe that she does. What do you think? You've been silent and grave at most of our engagements. You say little and find out more than I do."

  "Bingley, I'm sorry to say that from what I have observed and heard she does not return your affection. However, the mother is determined that you should marry her."

  "Darcy, I do not know what makes you say that."

  "There are more objections to the lady, did you not notice the family's behaviour at your ball two days ago?"

  "To what are you referring?"

  "Your position in society is vulnerable. While it is true that Miss Bennet is a gentleman daughter, her relations are closer to trade than you are. Our society would never accept her. The mother is a common woman who talks incessantly about your marriage and what a great match it will be and how it'll put the other girls in a way to meet other rich men, but Bingley you would be disgraced in the eyes of the world. No respectable families would accept such a family, despite them being of gentle birth. Also, they have no fortune and no connections."

  "Bingley, whatever your feelings for her, you would be doing her kindness not to return and create any more expectations. Already there are expectations that you would make her an offer, and as a genteel lady, she would be duty bound to accept. There is nothing to be done, Bingley; you must give her up" and I must give up Miss Elizabeth. The same objections have more weight on me than on you, especially with Georgiana. He added silently. “Both of your reputations will be damaged if you pay her any more attention without offering for her.”

  "Well….put it that way…" Mr Bingley hesitated.

  "Bingley, I mean for you to improve your condition and position in life. Remember that your family was in a trade just one generation back. You need to improve your connections, and not marry a girl whose closest relations are actively involved in trade."

  "What about you? Caroline has been dropping hints all autumn about Miss Elizabeth."

  "To marry such a girl would disgrace me in the eyes of the world." Darcy was uncomfortable knowing that just the other night he thought that he might make Miss Elizabeth an offer. This piece of information he kept to himself, lest Bingley would take it as an encouragement. Darcy also knew that he would have to have this conversation many times with Bingley before the winter was through.

  “Alright, Darcy, I will stay in town for the moment," said Bingley. "I shall miss her, though."

  Chapter 13

  Now is the winter of our discontent - King Richard III - Shakespeare

  25th December 1811

  November changed to December, and soon Christmas was upon them, and though Mr Darcy had planned to have Christmas at Pemberley, the roads were snowed in and slippery. So Georgiana and Darcy had Christmas in town with the Bingleys. Darcy, in fact, had to talk Mr Bingley out of sending a trifle to Miss Bennet several times. However, in the end, Mr Bingley had listened and did not sent a trifle to Miss Bennet. Darcy had seen several ribbons in the milliners he would have sent to Elizabeth but contented himself with buying them for Georgiana instead, and on Christmas morning he enjoyed seeing Georgiana's delight at the ribbons and trifles he had purchased for her throughout the year.

  After the presents they breakfasted and then, sitting in the drawing room, Georgiana saw something on his face that led her to say, "Fitzwilliam, tell me more about Elizabeth Bennet."

  Please don't go there, Georgiana. You don't know how heartbroken I am that the only intelligent woman I've met that I could offer for is so unsuitable for me that I cannot make the very offer my heart yearns to make. "I cannot say much more. As you know, there was a ball at Netherfield just before we left Hertfordshire. Two days before, in fact. I had the pleasure of dancing with her. Georgiana, I love her. She is beautiful. However, I must now give her up as a lost cause." He found himself unwilling to tell his sister about how terribly the family had exposed themselves and thereby Jane and Elizabeth were poor candidates for marriage.

  Georgiana was not to be put off so easily though and gently prompted him by asking "Is the family so very awful?"

  "Worse than you can imagine, Georgiana. A cousin of theirs was at the ball. He is such a bumbling idiot. You might get an idea when I say he's the worst rector that Aunt Catherine has given the living to yet! Sorry, Georgiana, you know how I don't like to talk about any young man in such terms, but such he is. The mother was putting it around that Mr Bingley would marry Miss Bennet and that this cousin would marry Miss Elizabeth. She is lost to me. She is a sensible woman, and regarding fortune, it's a good match. I cannot imagine that she would refuse the man. However, even if she does, I have reason to fear that she has taken a fancy to Mr.Wickham who has taken a commission in the _Militia that is stationed at Meryton. I am sorry to mention him Georgiana, but I must explain my heart to you, and you, dear Georgiana, are the only one to whom I dare tell these things. Either way, Miss Elizabeth is lost to me. I must give her up. Besides, how could I marry a woman who has neither connections nor fortune?"

  "I'm sorry for you Fitzwilliam," said Georgiana simply. "But are the connections and fortune so dreadfully important?"

  "Yes, Georgiana, connections and fortune are the way in which we advance our social position. They are what the Ton looks at to decide if a person is acceptable. I knew that it could go nowhere Georgiana, but oh, when her family were exposing themselves at the Netherfield ball I wanted so much to save her from it. I was so tempted to pull her away from what was happening to reassure her that her families' behaviour was not making me think any worse of her. Indeed it made me admire her so much more as she and her elder sister kept themselves from the despicable behaviour."

  "You have a kind heart. You are the best of brothers, Fitzwilliam." At this, Darcy had no answer for he felt like the worst having nearly degraded her by offering his hand to Miss Elizabeth. Suddenly he felt very guilty for the near disgrace and resolved that, even if Mr Bin
gley should return to Netherfield, Darcy would not go with him unless he had thoroughly beaten this unsuitable attachment

  Darcy spent the rest of the day in quiet contemplation and reading until it was time to dress for dinner. Darcy and Georgiana separated to go and change. Soon Mr. and Miss Bingley arrived for the evening dinner party. Viscount Milton and Colonel Fitzwilliam also came, however, Mr and Mrs Hurst were engaged elsewhere and were unable to accept Darcy's invitation.

  The dinner went well, and after the two ladies had withdrawn to the drawing-room, Darcy relaxed with cigars and port. The gentlemen were silent for a while and then The Viscount and Mr Bingley went through to the ladies, but Darcy asked Colonel Fitzwilliam to stay behind to speak to him. The Colonel obliged, smiling. Once the door was closed behind the other two gentlemen, Darcy started, "Fitzwilliam, I need your advice."

  "Nothing to do with Georgiana, I hope."

  "No, this is my problem. Last autumn I went into Hertfordshire with Bingley, where Bingley has taken a house. We met an unusual family there. The father was a gentleman who had minor lapses where he exposed himself to criticism. The mother, on the other hand, was a repulsive creature. She spoke in a high pitched whine, and what she had to say was painful as she spoke only of money and her delights, specifically seeing her daughters married. Usually, she focused on her eldest daughter, planning on her making a rich match. They have five daughters, all out, and the two youngest are horrible flirts and silly creatures. The family has no connections, and the father's estate is entailed on a male cousin, who himself is a silly, stupid man. When we go to Hunsford, you will meet him, and concur in my estimation of him.