Head Over Heels

by Ford, Brenda

  I dart my eyes towards Oliver one last time, knowing that he won’t ever see me in the same way again, and I hold my ID card out. As the bar tender looks at it, I think of the million ways I could have gotten out of this. A fake ID, not coming to a bar, running as soon as he asked to see it… but it’s too late now. It’s done.

  “Happy eighteenth birthday, miss,” the bar tender says sarcastically while handing my card back to me. “Now, unfortunately for you, you aren’t in Europe, so you can’t drink at eighteen. You are supposed to be twenty one years old to even come in here.” He turns to Oliver. “I assume you are over twenty one years old?”

  “Y… yes,” Oliver stammers back, sounding stunned to the core. I can’t even look at him because I know how much he will be hating me right now. I have betrayed him in the worst way possible. I’m sure the fact that I lied is almost as bad as the fact that I’m so young. “I’m twenty three years old, actually.”

  “Right, well you can stay, but the lady has to go. Sorry about that, miss.”

  “Okay, I’ll go, I will, but just let me talk to Oliver first…”

  “Lady, you really can’t be here. I don’t want to have to call security. We are breaking the law along with you, if you’re in here. So, you need to leave. And right now, as well.”

  I sigh loudly, but I do know that he’s probably right, so I turn on my heels and I stalk out. I have to push passed people to leave which only makes it even more humiliating. It isn’t long before tears pour down my cheeks. Frustration and sadness races through my body as I realize that this is now the worst birthday ever. I have been embarrassed and I’ve lost Oliver. I don’t think he will ever look at me again.

  “Fuck!” I rake my fingers through my hair as I try to find a cab. “Fucking hell, get me out of here.”

  A hand rests on my shoulder, making me jump. I spin around to see a very disappointed Oliver behind me. He could have stayed in the bar, but for some reason he has decided to leave. But it doesn’t look like he’s leaving because he feels bad for me and me wants to make me feel better. He still looks really mad.

  “I was going to tell you…” I start, already feeling pathetic. “It just never came up.”

  “Seventeen,” he whispers. “You were only seventeen years old. How did I not know this?”

  “We just never talked about age, that’s all. It didn’t come up. I wasn’t keeping it from you.”

  “I never mentioned my age because I’m in my early twenties,” he exclaims. “You know that, you must have been able to guess that. I also think you must have known that I would want to know if you’re that young.”

  “Age is just a number.” I shrug. “It doesn’t have to mean anything. Not when we get on as well as we do…”

  “Did you not just see what happened?” He points behind him towards the bar. “We got kicked out of a bar because you are too young. If that isn’t a clue that we shouldn’t be together, then I don’t know what is.”

  Desperation floods me. I don’t want to let him go that easy. I don’t want to just stand back and let him slip through my fingers. I refuse to allow our ages to get in the way of something so perfect.

  “I didn’t lie,” I insist. “I just didn’t mention it. I didn’t want it to be an issue.”

  “How long were you going to keep the lie going? Huh? Would you ever have told me?”

  “Of course.” I throw my hands in the air in frustration. “I was just waiting for the right moment.”

  “And when would that have been? Huh? When I asked you to be my girlfriend? When we first slept together? Oh my God.” A thought of horror strikes him hard. “Oh my God, you’re so young. You can’t have had… that much experience at all. You can’t have had that many boyfriends. I just assumed that you’ve had relationship experience before, but now I’m not so sure… have you?” I can’t lie anymore. I don’t want to hurt him further, so I shake my head no. “It wasn’t… please tell me it wasn’t your first time?”

  I don’t know what to say, I can’t believe he’s being this sharp about my virginity. I gave it to him willingly because I like him so much, which wasn’t easy after everything I have been through. I thought I could trust him with my heart and body but maybe I’m wrong. Okay, so I didn’t tell him that it was my first time, but is it that big a deal? Why would he even need to know that? It isn’t the sort of thing a person says, is it?

  Well, judging by Oliver’s expression right now, clearly I should have said something.

  “Why do you sound like that is so horrible?” I demand. “It wouldn’t be the worst thing, would it?”

  I’m a little upset by his silence. I know that things aren’t great between us right now, but I can’t believe that he would let something like this get in the way of us. That he would act so horribly about my virginity. What is this about? Is he not the man that I thought he was? Have I made a mistake here? I know my judgement might be a bit skewed after everything that I have been through, but I didn’t know it was that bad. If I find out that I am wrong about Oliver then I won’t ever be able to trust anyone again.

  “Oh, there’s a cab.” He completely ignores my question and steps away from me to hail it.

  “Are we really just going now?” I call pointlessly after him. “Is that the end of the conversation?”

  Oliver continues to ignore me as he flags the car down. He steps inside and waves me to join him which I suppose is something, but it’s still not him forgiving me for everything that I have done wrong.

  Still, I don’t have any other way of getting home, so I slide in to the car next to him and buckle myself in. I turn my head to look at him, to hopefully see a softer expression, but that isn’t what I get. His face remains stoic, his body language furious, he hates me. He is never going to speak to me again. I’m surprised that he even let me in the cab with him because he’s that upset. This might be the last time I speak to him.

  We drive along in a frosty silence, an ice that I would love to shatter. In sheer desperation, I reach across and try to rest my hand on his leg, but he instantly snatches it away. He pulls his knee right across to the other side of the car, making his feelings completely obvious. The hatred he has for me is off the scale.

  What am I going to do? I ask myself desperately. How can I make this right again?

  There are so many words floating through my brain, but none of them feel quite right. I don’t know if there is anything I could say right now to change his opinion of me. The ice keeps getting thicker and thicker. It’s almost making it impossible to breathe. I can’t wait to get out of the car, so I don’t have to suffer it anymore. If there was any chance of me jumping out and not kill myself I would do it.

  Eventually we pull up outside our home and I jump out quickly. Oliver remains for a couple of seconds longer to pay for the ride, but he soon joins me, bringing the frosty air with him.

  “Thank you for a nice evening,” I start sadly. “I’m sorry it got all messed up…”

  “Yeah, it didn’t get messed up. I just found out how young you are.”

  “But that’s something I can’t help.” I shrug. “I can’t help how old I am. I didn’t do it on purpose.”

  “I know, and that’s the problem. Because it’s something that you can’t change. There isn’t a solution here. That’s why… well if I had known, then I wouldn’t have gone anywhere near you.”

  “Exactly!” I step closer to him, praying that we can fix this. “And we would have missed out on the best relationship of our lives. You can’t deny that we had the most amazing time together. You can’t want to throw away everything that we shared because it was perfect. Even you said that it was perfect.”

  “Maybe, but that doesn’t mean we can carry it on. Just because it was great, doesn’t mean it can still be a thing. You may say that technically you didn’t lie to me, but you weren’t honest either. We can’t carry on when we can’t trust each other. You must understand how important trust is to everyone.”

  I d
o. I nod because I understand it more than anyone else. I feel bad that I broke the trust between me and Oliver, that I made him feel even a percentage of what I did then I feel terrible. I would do anything to take it back. But the way that he’s looking at me gives me everything I need to see that there isn’t any coming back from this. He really doesn’t see me in the same way. It’s over.

  It’s like a punch to my chest. I actually bend double under the weight of it, but even that doesn’t change Oliver’s mind. He walks backwards towards his house, backing away from me, leaving us exactly where we are. On the same night that he asked me to be his girlfriend, I wrecked everything. I hate myself.

  Everything washes over me at the same time, all the emotions that I have been trying to suppress come flooding to the surface. I’m not just heartbroken over losing Oliver, my heart has shattered over losing my mom as well. This is the moment where it all crashes through me like a tsunami and I sob. I have been able to cope because my life has been so much better here but now it isn’t going to be, is it? Without Oliver, it isn’t going to be what I want, it won’t have that same magic about it. It’ll make me sad rather than over joyed. I don’t know what I will do from here, I’m not sure how to cope. This is just… the worst.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Oliver

  I don’t think I even close my eyes, never mind go to sleep. I have been hit by a shock wave and I don’t know how the hell I’m supposed to comprehend it, never mind process it. This changes everything, doesn’t it? This makes my whole relationship with Ellie take on a different edge. If she’s only seventeen years old, or eighteen yesterday, then it’s seedy, isn’t it? It’s me basically taking advantage of a younger girl.

  Urgh, I throw the pillow over my head while I remember what I was like at seventeen. Vulnerable, stupid, no idea about love or anything. Okay, so maybe Ellie doesn’t seem like that, she definitely has her head screwed on which is why I never doubted that she was at the very least over the age of twenty, but she isn’t. However old she looks or seems; she has only been on the planet for eighteen years.

  “Fuck.” It’s hard now to look back at what we shared and to not to see it through new eyes. Now, in all of my memories I’m like a predator and she’s the innocent victim. God, that view of myself is absolutely horrible, I hate it. What I thought was beautiful and perfect was actually just a mess. “Fuck!”

  I guess it’s my fault as much as it was Ellie’s. I mean, there were plenty of chances for me to ask her what her age was, I didn’t even ask when I heard that it was her birthday. How crazy is that? It never even crossed my mind to ask, so I suppose I do hold some of the blame and I shouldn’t forget that. She didn’t even really lie. Or did she? Was it a lie by omission? Was it purposeful deceiving? God, I don’t know. I’m a mess.

  I swing my legs over the side of the bed without a scrap of energy inside of me and I pad over to the wardrobe. I don’t know if I can even be bothered to put clothes on, never mind get my sorry ass to work, but what else am I going to do? Mope around here all day trying to solve a dilemma without any answers? No, I don’t think so. If I haven’t managed to come up with any solutions while being awake for hours, then it isn’t going to happen. Probably because there is only one solution, and it’s one that I’m not too keen on. I don’t want to have to forget it ever happened because it’s been so life altering, but I don’t see what choice I have. I think I need to.

  With that heaviness hanging over me, I get dressed and make my way to work. I can’t shake off the horrible feeling though and I think that must be obvious because everyone gives me a wide berth. Barely anyone even meets my eye. It’s annoying but also probably for the best. I don’t know how I’d react today to anything.

  “Oliver, do you think I could catch you for a chat?” Unfortunately, Brad doesn’t seem to get the message.

  “Er, sure, what about?” I cock my head to one side and stare up at him. This better be work related.

  “Just come into my office, please.” He wiggles his finger at me. “I want it to be private.”

  I roll my eyes before I do as he commands. There isn’t any point in avoiding it with Brad, I don’t want to make a scene at work. Drama never solves anything. But as I slump in the chair opposite him in his office, I hope he gets the hint that I’m not against creating some drama in his office if needs be.

  “What’s going on with you, Oliver?” he demands. “I think you should tell me.”

  “I’m, just tired, Brad. I haven’t been sleeping too good recently. Nothing is wrong.”

  “Oh yeah, sure. That’s it. You’re tired. Nothing more. I bet.” He shakes his head sadly. “Why don’t you feel like you can just be honest with me, Oliver? I don’t feel close to you at all. I know that there has always been a little bit of distance between us, but now I feel more apart from you than ever. I want to help.”

  I want him to help as well. I would love his help on this one, but I don’t know what to tell him. I don’t know how to word my issues without him thinking that I’m sleezy. Plus, I absolutely hate the idea of him telling our other brothers and them just laughing at me, talking about me, distancing themselves from me more.

  No, it’s my dirty little secret and that’s the way that it has to stay. I don’t have any choice.

  “I don’t need any help, Brad, but thank you. I appreciate it. If you want to get closer to me then maybe we should go out for a few drinks one night, something like that. Have a chat somewhere but at work.”

  “Yes, I like that idea. That would be awesome. Then maybe you will open up.”

  “Right.” I bolt up from my chair, needing to escape before he says anything else. I might just about escape this conversation unscathed if I’m lucky. “Well let’s arrange that then. I’m good with that.”

  “You know…” But Brad isn’t about to let me escape that easily. “Violet on the reception desk was asking me if you were single the other day. I thought that could be a nice match making opportunity…”

  Huh, Violet. She’s sweet enough. She’s nice and very uncomplicated. Pretty too, but I already know that she isn’t the sort of girl who will give me that fire. Now I’ve experienced the spark with Ellie, I know that nothing else will do. I need to have those flames, or it just isn’t worth it. It’s a shame because that notion always makes me fall for the wrong girl. First Rosie, my attached best friend who isn’t ever going to see me that way, who hasn’t ever given me any sign that she likes me romantically, then Ellie who is much too young.

  “You aren’t saying anything,” Brad jumps in, interrupting my thoughts. “Is there something wrong with Violet? I thought that she might be just your type, but I could be wrong. I can just say something to her…put a word across, maybe.”

  “No, you don’t need to say anything,” I shoot back sharply. “At least for now. I can’t even think about anything like that.”

  He holds his hands up in a surrendering gesture. “Okay, I’ll say nothing. But if you change your mind then let me know so I can set something up for you. It would be nice to see you happy.”

  I almost argue that I am happy, thank you very much, but those words don’t quite come out. Up until yesterday, that was the case, but now my whole world has been turned upside down and I don’t know how I feel. Without Ellie, I don’t know where my happiness lies anymore and that’s a real issue.

  I shouldn’t rest my happiness all on one person, I should be able to be okay without her. But I’m not. Maybe that will come with time, but right now, it’s like I will explode without her. Even knowing all that I know, I still feel like I need her. It’s a really confusing range of emotions to suffer through.

  “Yeah, well I want to be happy as well,” I reply. “And I will be. I’m working on it.”

  “You have five brothers. At least one of us should be able to help you. It doesn’t only have to be me…”

  I don’t know what to say to that. I should have someone to talk to, but it just doesn’t work that way. Not wh
en my secret is what it is. Instead of saying anything more, I nod and half smile at Brad before exiting his office.

  “Hey, Oliver,” Violet calls out to me as I walk past her desk. “How are you today?”

  Knowing that she likes me makes it a little awkward. Especially when I know that I should like her right back. She isn’t linked to anyone in my life, aside from my work place, so she would be much simpler to date, but I can’t make my heart yearn for her. It just isn’t going to happen ever. Damn no spark, it’s terrible.

  “All good, Violet,” I reply blandly. “How about you? Everything good with you?”

  “Oh yes, everything is fine thank you…” Her words trail off when she realizes that I’m not going to stop.

  I continue walking all the way to my own desk where I sit and smack my head against it hard. So hard I’m pretty sure that it’s going to leave a bruise, but that really is the least of my problems right now. I miss the days when a little bruise would have been my biggest problem. All of this is just too much.

  Ring, ring… It seems like I can’t even get a moment of peace by myself in my office. Ring, ring…

  “Hello?” I answer wearily. I don’t even know who it is, I didn’t bother to look.

  “Hey, Oliver, it’s Rosie.” She sounds more upbeat which is good. “How’s work?”

  “Urgh, don’t ask. How about you? How is everything going?”

  “Okay. I mean, okay-ish. I’ve been spending far too much time online stalking Tristan which obviously isn’t healthy. Now, he’s posting all kinds of pictures with that girl, so they are clearly still together.”

  “That sucks, I’m sorry, Rosie. I would tell you to stop looking, but I know it isn’t that simple.”

  “I keep trying, but it’s like I’m addicted. It’s horrible. Which is why I thought that I might ask you if you want to come for a movie night at mine tonight. We need a catch up, it’s been a while. Even when we have been together, I’ve been talking only about me. I’d like to know what’s going on with you.”