Head Over Heels

by Ford, Brenda

  No, you really wouldn’t, I think sadly as Rosie becomes just another person that I can’t confide in. I know what her questions are like too and I’m afraid that she will crack me. I can’t go in her house either for fear of seeing Ellie. I am definitely not in the right head space for that. I still don’t know how I feel about her and it has my head spinning. It makes me feel all weak at the knees even thinking about it.

  “Er, I can’t tonight, I’m afraid. I have plans tonight with Brad. I’m really sorry. He wants me to come with him so he can catch me up with some things, I think he might be having some drama.”

  “Oh, that’s a real shame. I miss you, Oliver. When can we hang out then?”

  “I… I will have to get back to you on that one. But soon, I promise.”

  She doesn’t sound impressed, but at least she makes an agreeable noise. “Okay, fine. Let me know. Just remember that not only do I need you for much needed emotional support at the moment, but I miss you too. You’ve been a bit distant lately and I want to check in on you.”

  “I appreciate that.” I really do as well. It’s nice to remember that I do have friends around me. With everything that’s been going on with Ellie, I suppose I have pushed Rosie away a bit and I can’t wait to reconnect. But not today, not now while my head is all over the place. Soon though. “We will do something soon.”

  As I hang up the phone, I try to get my head back in the game, but I don’t know if that will happen today. There isn’t much point in me trying to concentrate, I might as well just think. And think, and think, until some sort of answer comes to me.

  Chapter Twenty

  Ellie

  The chattering radiates around me, barely even passing over my ear drums. Most of it is Seth, talking about his new group of friends at the school. It’s safe to say that he’s happy and in a good place here and that he will want to stay. It’s a shame because I’ve half been considering moving on when all the money finally comes through. Not back home and nowhere here, but somewhere else entirely. I can’t do that to Seth though. He’s settled after the upheaval and I can’t put him through anything else. It isn’t fair on him at all.

  I sigh and rest my hand on my forehead unable to even consider eating another bite. Every second that passes is torturous. It’s like an hour, all because of him. Oliver Smith, the man that I was falling head over heels with who now doesn’t want anything to do with me all because of something that I can’t change. It isn’t fair.

  “Are you okay?” Auntie Amelia asks me. “You look a little sick, Ellie?”

  “I… I’m fine.” I try to force a smile on my face but it’s hard. “Just a little tired, that’s all.”

  “Do you want to talk? Because I’ve been worried about you for a while now. You haven’t exactly been very active since you arrive here, have you? Your lack of direction has been troubling…”

  Because I don’t know what to say to this problematic, probably accurate, statement, an anger burns through me and I lash out because in the heat of the moment, it’s the only logical response that I have.

  “I’m grieving, okay?” I bang my hands down hard. “I’ve lost everything recently, my whole life plan has ended, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now. I want some goal, but I don’t know what.”

  “Well, this is what I want to discuss with you. I can help you if you want me to…”

  “I don’t think that I need any help, thank you.” I shake my head hard. “I can figure it out on my own. I just need time. I just need to… to have some space, that’s all. I’m in the middle of sorting myself.”

  “Oh, of course…” She calls after me as I try to escape the room. “I don’t want to put any pressure on…”

  But it isn’t really her putting the pressure on, it’s me. I’m piling everything on my own shoulders and weighing myself down, slowly pushing myself towards the brink of anxiety. I don’t know how long it’ll be before I pop.

  “I need to…” I whisper. “I need to go to my room. I need to…”

  I feel like I might vomit as I take the stairs two at a time. The thought of getting a job and putting some direction in my life is making the room spin around me. It’s one of those things that I know I need to do but now it’s been pushed right to the fore front. Auntie Amelia has created a nightmare.

  I flop on the bed, pain radiating through me, and I wail loudly in to the pillow. It can never be just one problem at a time, can it? Everything has to come at me all in one go to try and destroy me.

  “Ellie?” I hear my bedroom door open a crack and Rosie’s face peek around it. “Can I come in?”

  I would much rather she didn’t because I want to be on my own, but I don’t want to be any more rude, so I nod. She wanders in and takes a sea opposite me, giving me a curious look.

  “I’m sorry about my mom,” she finally says. “I know that she’s a bit too much at time, but believe me she only wants the best for you. She’s trying to be helpful in her own special way. I know that it isn’t great though, believe me I have been dealing with this my whole life.” She laughs and I join in a little. “But she doesn’t want to upset you.”

  “I think that I might be more upset with myself to be honest. I’m annoyed that I haven’t done anything.”

  “I wouldn’t worry. You’re in the middle of grief. You shouldn’t have to make these life changing decisions while your head is all over the place. You just take the time to figure it out.”

  “You’re wise,” I say with a smile to Rosie. “How did that happen?”

  “I don’t know if I am, really. Especially not when it comes to matters of the heart. But that’s a family trait, isn’t it? All the Clark women get attracted to assholes. Your mom, my mom, me…”

  “How are things with you and Tristan?” I ask as her head hangs low. “Sorry, with the break up, I mean.”

  “Well, we’re still broken up, that’s for sure. Me and him anyway. He’s still with the other girl. And it doesn’t matter how many times I try to convince myself that it’s for the best, I don’t feel it. I just miss him.”

  She’s sad. I race to her side and wrap my arm around her. “I’m sorry, Rosie. That really is awful. I wish I could tell you what to do to get over him, but I think that time might be the only cure.”

  “Yeah, that or moving on with someone else,” she shoots back wryly. “I just need to find an eligible bachelor.”

  “You say that like there aren’t any around here. I’m sure there must be, right?”

  Her face darkens and she gives me daggers, but only for a second before she straightens her expression right back out again. “You’ve been here for a while now. You’ve seen… haven’t you?”

  This feels like it might well be the first time that she is tackling the subject of me and Oliver which is terrifying and also not needed now. We’re over, there isn’t any point in affecting their friendship. Also, I might be a little scared of her tearing her temper in to me all over again. I just don’t need that.

  “I don’t know about the guys here really.” I’m sure to avert my eyes. “I don’t know if I’m in the right place to be with anyone anyway. I can’t offer anything to a relationship when my head is everywhere.”

  “Is that right?” I can tell that she doesn’t trust me. “I thought you’d want someone…”

  “Not now, no.” I tense my whole body up. I have to shut this down as quick as I can. “I’m happy to just be by myself. I need to get a job, get a place for me and Seth to live, sort out finances… that sort of thing.”

  “You’re still thinking of moving out then? I would like you guys to stay here, and I’m sure that Mom feels the same. It’s been nice having you guys around. It makes me realize how close we all were.”

  This statement warms me up and reminds me of it too. “Do you remember that big tree at the end of our road? By the park where we always used to climb it and pretend to be monkeys.”

  “Oh yeah! I do remember that!” She tosses her head back and laughs
. “God, we were so weird.”

  “I know. I think we probably still are; we’ve just got better at hiding it.”

  Rosie eyes me curiously, before rising up to her feet. I actually don’t want her to go, I’d like to spend some more time with her. To stave off the loneliness and also to reconnect.

  “I might go and get us some drinks and face masks. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a girl’s night.”

  “Yeah, me too.” I don’t think I have ever had a girl’s night. “Sounds like fun.”

  When she leaves my room to gather everything up, my mood lightens considerably. See, maybe I don’t need Oliver to make me happy after all. Perhaps I can find a way to enjoy my life all by myself. I might not even have to move as quickly as I initially planned. I can still get my own place with Seth eventually, but it might be fun to spend more time with Auntie Amelia and Rosie. Have some family for a while. When it comes to getting my head together, it could be beneficial to do it here where there isn’t any pressure.

  I don’t know. I don’t want to make any wild choices right now. I can just think about it. It’s nice to have choices. I can’t forget that a lot of people in my situation don’t have that. Me and Rosie might have had a rocky start, but it looks like a friendship is finally coming out of it which is good. Friends are making Seth’s time here easier and if I let Rosie in, she can do the same for me. Well, I can only let her in so much, but it could be enough.

  * * *

  Rosie lies snoring on my bed with a peaceful expression on her face. Make up streams down her face, but for the first time in a long time, that’s because we’ve been laughing so much, she hasn’t been crying. The wine combined with chocolate and face masks has been perfect for the both of us. It’s just a shame that she has crashed out and now I’m here, wide awake and by myself. For some reason, the booze doesn’t make me sleepy.

  I pace up and down the room, still sipping my wine, wondering what I should do now. I kinda want to carry on talking to someone, but I’ve already been around the house and everyone is sleeping.

  I end up wandering out into the hallway and leaning on the window sill to stare at Oliver’s house. Urgh, I hate that I’m still so obsessed with this man, even after he blew me off, I want to hang out with him. It’s his voice that I want to hear really. His arms that I want around me. His lips on mine…

  “Screw it,” I mutter to myself, the alcohol making me braver. “I’m going to call him.”

  The thing is I haven’t reached out to him yet and maybe that’s what he’s waiting for. For me to extend an olive branch. There is always the hope that he hasn’t spoke to me because he’s so ashamed of his behavior. Because he thinks that I won’t want to speak to him if he tries to call me. He could be hurting just as much as I am and sitting by the phone to wait for it to ring. This might be the best call that I ever make in my life.

  I cling on to that idea, maybe more than I should, as I dial. I keep thinking that he’s going to pick up with an apology, but nothing. It just keeps ringing and ringing until it goes right through to the voice mail machine.

  “Fuck,” I mutter, sad and frustrated. “He really does hate me.”

  If he wanted to speak to me then that was his chance to do so and he chose not to. He chose to continue ignoring me which means my age really is a big problem for him. He isn’t letting it go. Much as I have been trying to come to terms with losing him, I don’t think I have really accepted it. Not totally. Now I’m going to have to. I will really have to accept that me and him are done. Over. Finished for good.

  I slide to the ground, my ass hitting the floor hard, and I do what I can to fight back the tears. I can’t shed another tear over this guy because it isn’t right. He’s shattered me. Even if I didn’t do something right, that doesn’t excuse him being like this about things. Urgh, or maybe it does, I don’t know. I’m in such a confused state.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Oliver

  I press my hands to my ears, ignoring the call. It’s Ellie, again, for the third time. When I first spotted her name, I decided this wasn’t the time and place to pick up, but now it seems like she won’t give up and I don’t know what to do. I really want to speak to her, I can’t help myself, but I know I can’t. If I allow myself to speak to her then I might get sucked back in to being with her again. The temptation is all too real.

  “Oh God, stop it,” I moan. “I want to get some sleep. I really can’t speak to you.”

  But the resolve is cracking. I can feel myself falling apart like an egg. My fingers are itching to reach out and grab the phone, I’m absolutely desperate to say hello, to hear her say it back. I can practically feel her voice tickling in my ear already, my chest swelling with happiness, my heart singing with joy. I know that speaking to her will feel amazing, that it will be a shot of joy to grasp on to, but that will soon dissipate. The moment we stop talking again and I remember that we can’t be together, I will be overcome with sadness again.

  “Be strong,” I tell myself. “Be strong, stand tall. Don’t give in.”

  I roll over on to my side and press a pillow over my ear so I can’t hear it anymore. But it doesn’t make any difference. The sound keeps infecting my ear drums over and over again, pulling me in with a magnetic force. Much as I attempt to fight it off, I can’t. I struggle against it hard, but it wins out. I find my body turning around way before I’m ready for it, and without opening my eyes I pick up the phone.

  “Hello?” I murmur into the receiver, my voice croaky, the emotion hitting me as I wait for Ellie.

  “Hey, Oliver,” a drunken slurry voice replies. “I’ve been trying to call you for ages.”

  “Rosie?” I sit up straighter, shock bolting through me. I wasn’t expecting that. “Are you okay?”

  “I’m good. I just wanted to talk to you. But you weren’t picking up the phone. I wanted to… to hang out with you like you said we were going to, but then you never followed through on it.”

  “Oh right, of course.” I also haven’t really had my night out with Brad either. “Yes, we can hang out soon.”

  “You want to come over right now? I was having a girl’s night, but I think I fell asleep and now I’m alone. I just need to get back to my room, then me and you could… you know, catch up?”

  “You don’t want to go to sleep?” I laugh. “You sound pretty tipsy and shattered.”

  “No! I don’t want to sleep. I just want you to hang out with me, I miss you.”

  “Yeah,” I reply sadly. “I miss you too. It’s just… well, it’s late, isn’t it?”

  “That never used to bother you before. We always used to hang out late. What’s going on with you at the moment, Oliver? I feel like you’re pushing me away and I don’t like it. Me and you have been through a lot together. I’m going through something pretty huge now too and it’s like you aren’t here.”

  She’s sad, really sad, and I have been the cause of it. Or not the cause, but I haven’t exactly helped. I’ve let my own problems and hang ups get in the way. I’ve been so wrapped up in my stuff that I forgot about my friend.

  “Yes, of course we can hang out,” I resign. “But not at your place. Come over to mine.”

  “Ooh, but I’m drunk, Oliver. Can’t you come to me? I want to see you here.”

  I fall my head forwards and rub it with my hands. I’m not going over there for anything in the world. I can’t face Ellie. I can’t deal with it. It’s good in a way that I haven’t been able to speak to her, that it is Rosie on the phone, but the temptation nearly came for me. Seeing her would be too much for me I just know it.

  “I will wait outside for you, Rosie, but you have to come here. I need you to come here.” I can’t keep the desperation from my voice. “It will just be a lot easier if you can come here.”

  “Oh, so we can have some privacy? Yeah, you’re probably right. My house is a bit messy. Too many people in it and all that. But you have all that room where me and you can just hang out.”


  “Right, exactly.” That works for me. Whatever gets her over here works for me. “So, you’ll come?”

  “I’m getting off my sorry ass right now. I will be in a moment. Oops, I just fell.”

  “Are you sure this is a good idea? Don’t you want to just sleep it off?”

  “No, I told you I can’t. I can’t sleep it off. I need to see you and I need to do it right now.”

  “Ooh, you said that like you have something to talk to me about,” I half tease but I quickly realize that this could all be linked to Ellie. She might have found out and now she wants to murder me.

  “I do… yes, I do actually. So, you just wait there. No, don’t wait, come outside and meet me outside. Outside is better. Because then we can… then we can have a little talk, can’t we?”

  “Could you stay outside anymore?” I laugh. “Okay I’m on my way out now. See you there.”

  “Yep! Oops, fell again. Hold on. I’m okay don’t worry. I’m on my way.”

  She hangs up the phone quickly and I make my way down the stairs to get there before she hammers the door down. I haven’t seen Rosie drunk very often but during the times when she is, it’s always a nightmare. I have tried to sort out her mess on more than one occasion and I might be facing that right now. I don’t want her waking thee whole house up and causing way more drama than there needs to be.

  The night is dark and the wind is chilly. I don’t actually know how late it is, but I should be inside. I should definitely be sleeping. I have work in the morning, and I don’t want to be exhausted. But I haven’t been the best friend recently and I want to make up for it. I need to make up for it. Rosie needs me.

  I wrap my arms tightly around myself, almost as if I’m holding myself together, and I wait. I wait and try my hardest not to stare up at the building which contains Ellie. It’s damn near impossible not to think about it every time I see her house. I remember all of it. Everything that we shared, and it hurts. It aches because I want it again, I need it again, and I don’t think there will be anyone like her for me. I won’t ever get that again. God, I can’t think about that right now. I can’t remember how great things were because it’s done. Done. Nothing will change the reasons why we had to break up, so I can’t analyze them again, I need to just move on. So does she.