Head Over Heels

by Ford, Brenda

  Tonight though, I can imagine none of that happened. I can be back in his bed with his warm body pressed up against me, his expert movements sending me to heaven over and over again. I can almost feel the orgasm washing through me, claiming me hard, making my body shudder and shake. I miss that, I want it again, so badly…

  “Oh shit!” But just before I reach the waist band of my underwear, the thought in my brain changes completely, shocking me to the core… and not in a good way. I become repulsed by the idea of Oliver with Rosie now instead. I know that he seemed to reject her in the first place, but I’m out the picture now. They can do whatever they want. She might even be in his bed now which is why she hasn’t tried to call me.

  I suppose if there have been this many dramas so early on then it wasn’t ever going to happen anyway, so I shouldn’t be sad. I moved away to let them be happy if that’s what they want. I can’t be mad about it now. I just need to pick myself up and carry on. That needs to start with not allowing my mind to wander again because it isn’t just dangerous, it could be life ruining.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Oliver

  “Hi, Oliver,” Violet practically whispers beside me. “Are you okay? You seem a little…”

  Urgh, now that’s officially everyone. Everyone trying to be helpful and trying to prey into my business. I’m pretty sure that Brad has even had conversations with some people, asking them to leave me be which I recover from some ‘personal issues’, which I guess has made it even more intriguing.

  But Violet… I don’t know. It’s awkward now. Knowing that she likes me, and I don’t feel the same way, makes it uncomfortable. Of course, nothing on the scale of me and Rosie, but I can’t worry about two messed up friendships all at once. One problem at a time. Right now, I just need to get through this day.

  “I’m fine.” I nod sharply, trying to avert my gaze. “Just busy at the moment, that’s all.”

  “Oh, right. Yes… you are very busy. I know you always have a lot going on. But if you ever want to talk…”

  “I don’t think I do want to talk at the moment. Thank you for the offer though.”

  “Okay…” She moves closer to me. “Because there’s something I want to discuss with you.”

  Nerves zig zag through me, I really can’t handle her saying anything about romance to me. I really haven’t got the ability to deal with anything in the correct manner right now, but I don’t want to upset her either. I have caused more than enough pain recently. Instantly, I take a step backwards but there isn’t really anywhere for me to go. I’m stuck, and as I have already learned, being forced to face things doesn’t work out well for me.

  “Oliver!” Brad barks, demanding my attention. He sounds mad, but his voice is a relief regardless. “I need to talk to you. Can you come to my office right away? It’s an emergency.”

  I shoot Violet an apologetic look but then I race off towards my brother. Even if he’s going to fire me, it’ll be preferable to making even more of a mess of my life. That’s something I’ll be able to fix.

  “What’s going on, Brad? Is everything alright? What’s the emergency?”

  He nods at me to shut the door behind me which I do. “There is no emergency. You just looked like you needed saving. You’ve had enough going on for it to get even more complicated.”

  I slump into one of the chairs in his office and allow the weariness to rocket through me. I really am shattered and every time I let the exhaustion claim me, it takes me hard. “Yeah, you’re right about that.”

  “Do I take it from your attitude that you haven’t followed my advice?”

  “Which bit? I drank so much that it all gets a bit fuzzy in some places. There was so much advice…”

  “Where I told you to go and speak to Rosie. Figure things out with your best friend.”

  I groan and throw my head back in distress. “Yes, but it just got messy. She keeps insisting that she really wants to be with me, which I don’t think is the truth. I think she’s just reeling over Tristan…”

  “But what if she isn’t?” Brad shrugs. “Are you sure that you don’t want to be with her?”

  I shake my head decidedly. “No, I don’t. I really don’t. I thought that I did for a while, but now I just want to go back to the way that things were. I want to be friends with her again.”

  “Because of Ellie?” I offer a one shouldered shrug. “Which is more complicated, harder, and can’t happen anyway… at least according to you because of her age. But even though you have made your decision, you can’t move on from what you shared with her. Because it was special, right? That’s what you said.”

  “It was special.” I sigh, practically deflating like a balloon. “And I think the reason I can’t move on is because we never had any closure. I left it too late to speak to her. She moved away before I could pluck up the courage to have a conversation and now… well now it’s all left open and up in the air.”

  “Have you tried to find her? To have that conversation?” He narrows his eyes. “Because you should.”

  “I can’t seek her out for that. No way. Anyway, she moved out to get away from me. If that isn’t a sign that she doesn’t want to talk to me, then I don’t know what is. It would just be selfish of me to find her to do something that I need, not her. Your last advice didn’t work out too well, and I think this will be even worse.”

  I want him to tell me that I’m wrong, that I need to seek her out and have this chat. But he doesn’t. Instead, he looks at me like I might be saying something wise. It winds me up actually. Why can’t he just tell me what I want to hear? Of course, that’s the reason I come to him because I know that he will be honest with me, but right now I don’t like it. I yearn to see Ellie; her absence makes it even more of a challenge. It’s killing me, not knowing where she is and what she’s doing. Who she’s spending time with… who she might be dating…

  “I think I might need a break, Brad.” I check my watch. “Okay, so I know that it’s only half ten, but can I take my lunch break now? I need to get out this building and have a coffee or something. And I know that it is a big ask because my head has been all over the place recently, I haven’t exactly had my head in the game, but I’m working on being better. I’m trying to be what you need of me. I just need a moment to gather myself up…”

  “Oliver, go it’s fine.” He chuckles. “I know you aren’t yourself at the moment. You also know that if any of my employees need a time out then they can have it. You go, get coffee, sort your head out.”

  I smile gratefully at my brother. I’m glad that I branched out and confided in him now. Even if I can’t follow all of his advice, it’s good to know that I don’t have to suffer everything alone. There is someone that I can talk to. I was right about Brad not judging me as well. He’s been awesome through it all.

  Thankfully, he hasn’t pressured me to say anything to any of my other brothers either which is good. One is enough. Any more can be overwhelming in a situation like this one.

  “Thanks, Brad. I won’t be long. And I’ll be better.”

  “If you don’t come back at all, I’ll consider it a mental health day. God knows you need it.”

  “Hmm yeah thanks. I don’t know what I’m going to do now.”

  “Well, you are a great manager, so your accounting team can cope without you.”

  I nod and smile. “Right okay, well I will speak to you later on then. Either here or at home.”

  “Do speak to me,” he insists. “Don’t hold things in any longer. It isn’t healthy.”

  “I know. If there is one thing that I’ve learned from all of this, it’s that. Holding things in didn’t solve anything. Nor did talking to you, I guess, but at least it’s off my chest a bit. At least I’m not alone.”

  “Well that is one hell of a lesson to learn. So, at least something good has come out of it.”

  I don’t look at anyone as I leave the office. I do feel Violet’s eyes upon me, but I’m hoping that she thin
ks I’m too focused on the ‘emergency’ to communicate with anyone. I can’t put this problem off forever, like everything I will have to face it soon enough, but not today. Today I just want to get my head in order.

  I step outside and pause for a second to let the refreshing cold air to wash over me. I feel much less trapped out here which is a relief. There aren’t any expectations weighing on my shoulders, no one asking me how I am, no eyes piercing through me as they try to work out what my ‘personal issues’ are. No, out here, I can just walk and breathe. Stop worrying about all the things that I no longer have any control over. I mean, I can’t make Rosie respond to me and want to be my friend again. I can’t stop Violet from asking me out. I can’t make Ellie come back and want to speak to me… all I can control is how I behave, how I act now… and there are certainly some areas of improvement that I can make. I can’t keep switching off from life like I have been.

  I pass the usual coffee shops that I would normally head in to because I fancy a change, and I wander around the corner. I keep walking and walking until a warm, yellow themed café draws me in. There’s something welcoming about it that I can’t resist. I walk inside ready with the money in my hand to get a drink. The shop is in a good spot to people watch anyway, which might be a good way to pass some time on my mental health day. I have already spotted a table by the window where I want to take a seat… well, that’s if everyone in this giant queue doesn’t take that table before me. God, it must be good here because it’s so popular.

  I take out my cell phone as I wait and scroll through social media aimlessly. I don’t know what I do this for really, it’s just a habit because I don’t ever see anything that I’m really interested in. Just people I don’t really care about. Not enough to connect with in real life anyway. I need to break out of it.

  Then I notice a picture, one that catches me and nearly knocks me sideways. A photo of Rosie looking happy and full of joy, looking like she’s about to go on a night out or something. The fact that I don’t know where she’s going makes me sad. Me and Rosie used to share everything with on another… although I am glad that she doesn’t look like she’s hurting anymore. Maybe soon I will try and speak to her again.

  My finger hovers over the ‘like’ button. I almost press it on more than one occasion, but I stop myself at the last moment. That isn’t the way to reconnect with my friend again.

  I glance upwards down the queue, noticing that everyone is doing the same thing. They are all staring at their phone, missing the people who aren’t in their lives anymore rather than focusing on those who are. I stuff my cell phone away, resolving not to do that anymore. I will focus on what I do have rather than what I don’t.

  “How can I help you?” comes the sunny voice from behind the counter, trying to drag someone’s eyes off their phone screen. I want to laugh at the silliness of it, but I have only just stopped looking at my own screen. I’m not in any position to be judging other people. “Excuse me, sir, how can I help you?”

  All of a sudden, I realize something that stops any laughter from bubbling up. The voice is attached to a face that I recognize. One that I didn’t expect to see again. Yet fate brought me in here, it’s dragged me in to see her, proving once and for all that I do need to have this conversation after all. Whatever Brad thinks about it.

  It’s her.

  Ellie.

  Oh… my… God…

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Ellie

  Why doesn’t anyone pay any attention? I think angrily to myself as I try desperately to get the attention of the man who’s staring at his phone screen like it holds all the answers to life. I don’t mind people getting lost in the world of technology, but when there is a big queue and I’m trying to get on with my job, it’s annoying.

  But it’s my first week working here. I can’t be rude yet. I need to figure out where I belong here first.

  I was so happy to get this job, it’s absolutely perfect for me. I can fit my hours in around Seth, with some help from Auntie Amelia, of course, and it’s within walking distance. It’s great and the manager was willing to give me a chance despite my lack of experience, so I need to keep it together for the time being. I need to contain any anger I feel and recall that ‘the customer is always right’. Always, even when they aren’t.

  “Excuse me, sir?” I say a little more firmly. “Can I help you please?”

  Luckily, the woman standing behind him gets irritated and does the thing for me to be rude to that person. He then barks an order at me, speaking to me like I’m worthless, but still I don’t react. I simply suck in a couple of deep breaths, think about Seth and remember that I’m doing this for him, and get on with making the drink. Luckily, that’s a process that I have committed to memory already since it’s the most important part of the job. I could do it with my eyes closed. I can sure as hell do it when my temper is firing up and winding me up.

  I finally hand the drink to him and take his money before starting the whole process again with the woman behind him. She was all in a rush a moment ago, but now she’s in the middle of a ‘very important business call’, so she makes me wait. Which I do, however gritted my teeth are, until I can take her order as well.

  At least I’m working to live, I think to reassure myself. And not living to work.

  I have seen a lot of that here, being in the center of a lot of office blocks. People who assume that their identities need to be wrapped up in their careers. It’s all they care about, all they think about, all they worry about. In a way, it makes me glad that I didn’t have the high school experience that could have led to good grades because now I can live my life in a different way. One that I’m sure I will find much more satisfying.

  I serve the next few people in a bit of a daze, barely focusing on them at all. Instead, I’m concentrating on being happy with at least some of the decisions that I’ve made. It’s nice not to be filled with endless self-doubt.

  “Hi, can I… I…” Oh my God. The words fall apart on my lips as I see someone I wasn’t expecting to ever have to face again, Certainly not in here, while I’m in the middle of my job. Not only do my cheeks heat up, but my whole body too. The heat makes the blood crash through my body hard. “Can I help y… you?”

  “Are you okay, Ellie?” he asks in a strained quiet voice, just like mine. “I have wanted to see you, but I haven’t had the chance to do so. I didn’t know you were going to leave, or I would have come for you sooner.”

  I open and close my mouth a few times, unable to get any words out. How is this happening right now? How in all the coffee shops around has he ended up here? No one knows where I work yet.

  “Please talk to me, Ellie. I know that I was a shit to you. Believe me, I have tortured myself over it. I shouldn’t have walked away from you like that, especially since it was your birthday. I should have talked to you…”

  “Oh well, it’s okay,” I hiss back, wanting to end this conversation before anyone hears it. “It was a shock. I don’t blame you for anything. There’s no need now to have a talk about any of it.”

  “But I want to,” he insists much to my dismay. “I don’t want it to end like that.”

  End. So, it’s still going to be the end then. That’s disappointing, but hardly a surprise. He isn’t going to swoop in here and want me back, is he? Especially if he’s with Rosie. I don’t know if he is or not, but I guess so.

  “I think I should just get your coffee. There is a big queue behind you and I don’t want to make people wait…”

  “Please don’t try and play it off, Ellie. Please,” he begs. “We need this. Even if I can’t talk to you now because you’re working then can I meet you after work? Just for five minutes of your time. That isn’t too much to ask.”

  I don’t want to. Every instinct inside of me is screaming at me to run in the opposite direction, but I know that he isn’t here to take no for an answer. He has found his way here and he knows what he wants. If I don’t want this to turn in
to a big deal with everyone getting involved – my colleagues who I barely know yet, and all the customers – then I need to say yes. So, I take the easiest way out and I nod.

  “Okay fine. Now will you tell me what drink you want so I can make it already?”

  “Coffee.” He nods. “Black. No fuss. You know me.”

  Urgh, does he have to give me that heart stopping smile? Do my insides have to do flip flops? And why does my breath feel the need to get stuck in my throat? I already know this isn’t going to go a good way. I’m only going t end up with a shattered heart all over again. More feelings just to be destroyed by him.

  My head spins as I make the coffee. I spill some down myself because my hands are trembling so much. I’m a fucking mess. All dizzy and messed up over him. Today won’t be a good one. Thank goodness Auntie Amelia has Seth all night tonight because I won’t be finishing until late and she misses him too.

  Although that might mean a night of me sobbing all by myself.

  “There.” I hand the cup to him, unable to meet his eyes. “That’s two fifty.”

  “I was going to drink this inside,” he tells me, causing vomit to swirl. “But I think I might go outside actually. Take a walk around as I drink my coffee. Then I can return when you are finished.”

  Wow. He can see how anxious I am, and he wants to make it easier for me. I probably should be grateful for this, but I’m just embarrassed. I mean, he could be here to tell me that him and Rosie are fully together now, and I just have to get on with it. He could just want to be friends. It isn’t going to be good. The fact that I’m shaking and all nervous and upset about it is too much for words.