Head Over Heels

by Ford, Brenda

  “I finish at six PM,” I snap, almost angrily at him. “I will see you then.”

  “Six PM?” This seems to amuse him. Or perhaps it’s just my state of mind. “Great, I look forward to it.”

  “Mhmm.” I’m burning. All over. “Yes, I suppose so. Then we can… talk.”

  He hands me the cash, gives me one last smile, takes his drink and leaves. I watch him go, feeling everything rushing through me as he does. I don’t want to still be so emotional about everything, I wish I could just switch everything off, but I can’t. It’s all still bubbling and will be for a while.

  “Can I make an order please?” a snappy woman practically yells at me, shaking me from my thoughts. “I am in a bit of a rush here and I have been kept waiting for a while now.”

  “Right, sure.” I shake my head, trying to get back in to reality. “Sorry, yes, what can I get you?”

  I feel like I’m in a haze, trying to get through the shift while I’m wandering through a marsh. It’s difficult, incredibly hard, and makes me want to run. But I can’t run now, or I will always wonder ‘what if?’. Much as I don’t want to face this chat I have to. I need to know what he’s going to say, even if it tortures me.

  Oh God, it’s going to torture me, isn’t it? It will absolutely kill me. What am I doing?

  * * *

  “Excited to leave, Ellie?” my co-worker, Marie, asks. “You keep looking at the door.”

  “Hmm? Do I?” I try to play it off, but I don’t think I’m doing the best job. “I didn’t realize.”

  “Well, five minutes and you can escape, so you don’t have to worry.” She nudges me playfully in the side, which makes me laugh. This is the one girl who I think will become my friend here.

  “That’s true.” I force a smile on my lips. “It’s been a long day.”

  “Your feet tired? Or does it maybe have something to do with that smoking hot guy who came in here earlier? The one who had you blushing from your head to your toes?”

  “I…” She, she did notice. I should have guessed as much. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “You aren’t ashamed of him, are you? Because he is hot. Seriously. If you don’t want him, I will take him.”

  I try and get out a laugh, but I can’t manage it. “It’s a bit of a complicated situation.”

  “Well, we have five minutes. See how much of it you can get out in that time.” When I don’t respond, she shrugs. “Come on, we are friends, aren’t we? That’s what friends do.”

  The word ‘friends’ lures me in. I do need some real friends, some unlike any I have had before. Someone to actual confide in about things, who won’t judge me and will just be there for me. If I can’t find a friend at work, then where can I? And I do like Marie, I’m pretty sure I can trust her as well.

  “Okay, well me and him dated,” I try and rush through it. “But kind of in secret because he’s my cousin, Rosie’s, best friend and I didn’t want it to get all messy. But it did anyway.”

  “How did it get messy? And why is he back now? He must really like you.”

  “No, I don’t think that is it. He broke things off when he found out how much younger I am than him and we haven’t spoken since. He’s twenty three and I’m obviously just turned eighteen, so I was seventeen for some of the time that we were together. So, it freaked him out. Then Rosie broke up with her boyfriend for him.” I huff sadly. “So, we ended up having a massive fight over him. Then I moved out and I haven’t seen either of them since. Not until I looked up and he was on the other side of the counter.”

  “It’s like the most beautiful love story ever,” Marie coos, much to my surprise.

  “Did you just hear my story?” I exclaim. “There isn’t anything romantic about it.”

  “Oh, there is,” she replies knowingly. “And you will see, just you wait.”

  I tut and roll my eyes, trying to act like she isn’t getting my hopes up at all, but she is. I can’t help it. It’s what I want to happen, what I dream of, but what will never become the truth…

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Oliver

  She’s beautiful. It strikes me hard as I enter the coffee shop the second time. Knowing that I’m going to see her makes her look striking as I finally lay my eyes on her. Without the haze of shock surrounding me, I can truly appreciate how incredible she is. And she really is something special… it’s no wonder that I didn’t think she was only seventeen years old. I never questioned it because she looks so much older. Even now that I know.

  I find her in the middle of an in depth conversation with one of the girls she’s working with, a slightly serious expression on her face, and I simply remain where I am for a moment just watching her. Admiring her. But it isn’t long before she feels the sensation of my eyes upon her, and she turns to face me. Her eyes light up. I think she wants to reel herself in because she doesn’t know what way this conversation will go, but she’s happy.

  God, I wish we didn’t have to cut things off. I so wish this wasn’t a closure conversation to end things. It would make me so much happier if I could just cut through everything, forget all the issues, and just be together. But the issues remain. We’re still in different places in our lives so we can’t make it work.

  Could we be friends again? I wonder curiously as I shoot her a smile. Is that possible?

  I would like that because I do get on well with Ellie, we do have a good connection, but I don’t know if feelings would always be a problem. For both of us, I imagine. It would always be complicated.

  As unfortunate as it is, I think this is really going to have to be the closure chat I planned on.

  She takes off her apron and hugs her friend goodbye before making her way over to me. She has a coy smile playing on her lips, a little blush in her cheeks, a little twinkle on her eyes.

  “Hey,” she practically whispers. “Shall we get out of here?”

  “We could have a coffee here if you want?” I offer, thinking that she might be more comfortable.

  “Oh no.” Instantly, without hesitation, she shoots down that idea. “I would rather go somewhere anonymous. I don’t want people to be listening in. Plus, I’ve been here all day, so I’d rather go somewhere else.”

  “Sure.” I smile and hold the door open for her. “Wherever you want. You lead the way.”

  We walk along the side walk in silence. There are many times that I want to break it because it’s getting a little strained, but I don’t. I think we need to wait until we’re sitting down before anything gets said. Luckily, it isn’t long before she picks another cute little coffee shop and she finds a little table for us to sit at.

  “What would you like to drink?” I offer her. “I would say coffee, but you’ve been around it all day.”

  “Yes, I would like a cup of tea please.” She smiles up at me. “Thank you.”

  I order the drinks, trying to act normally despite the fact that my heart is thundering in my chest. My breath gets caught in my throat on more than one occasion. I’m not as strong as I would like to be. My knees practically knock together as I walk back to the table. It’s a real struggle not to spill the drinks but I just about manage it.

  “So… how have you been?” I start, getting the bland question out first. “Some big changes for you.”

  “Mhmm yes. New house, new job, yes, it’s been a bit crazy. But crazy in a good manner. This is the right direction for me to go in, so I’m glad that I’ve made some positive changes. I’m happy… yes, I’m happy.”

  “Good, I’m glad to hear it.” I gulp, wondering if she’s happy without me, if that’s part of the issue.

  “What about you? How are things with you?” She stares at me expectantly.

  “Okay. Yes, things are okay. It’s been… it’s been a bit different without you around.”

  “Different how?” she snaps back right away, taking the words out of my mouth. I don’t know how to answer this in an honest way. This seems to inspire something n
ew in her because her whole body language changes. “Listen, I know that we had a horrible ending between us, but it’s probably for the best, isn’t it? Because Rosie has made her feelings very clear. I don’t want to fight with my cousin anymore.”

  “You fought?” I feel horrible. I didn’t mean for anything like that to happen. “Was it bad?”

  “Well, we had a physical fight, and we haven’t spoken to one another since.”

  “Shit.” I lean back in my chair and stare regretfully at her. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t know that. Do you want me to try and talk to her? See if there is anything that I can do?” Not that Rosie wants to speak to me either.

  “No, no, that’s fine. I don’t think that’s a good idea. It would be better if we just let it happen naturally.”

  Oh God, my stomach sinks. I realize what a massive mess I have made of everything. Even if I didn’t know how old Ellie was, I did know that it might cause issues with Rosie and I still went ahead with it. That’s awful. I so desperately want to go back in time and make it all right again, but I guess Ellie is right. I can’t make the damage okay. It needs to be between them two. All I can do is not make it any worse.

  “I’m sorry about it all,” I tell her sadly. “Sorry about all of it. I feel so dreadful. I’ve wanted to speak to you ever since I walked away from you, I just didn’t have the courage to do so. But I was wrong. I know now that I should have handled it all differently and I’m just… well, I’m sorry. I hope that you can forgive me.”

  Her eyes hit the floor. I hate the way it seems like she can’t even look at me right now. It’s as if she will never forgive me for my behavior which I guess is understandable. But I need her to. I won’t be able to get closure without that. But this isn’t about me. I need to swallow my pride, my needs and let her needs win out. Even if a small part of me is destroyed in the process. We don’t always get what we need, do we?

  “Okay.” She nods slowly. “It’s okay. I don’t blame you for reacting the way you did. Nor do I blame you for falling in love with Rosie. She’s absolutely perfect for you, isn’t she? You and her… fit together.”

  “I don’t want Rosie,” I admit. “I thought that I did at one point, before you came along into my life, but I don’t. She’s great for me friendship wise, but we aren’t ever going to have a relationship. Regardless of…”

  I can’t finish that. Ellie knows what I mean anyway. I don’t need to say ‘regardless of you’.

  “So, you and her aren’t together?” she gasps. “And you’ve told her you feel that way?”

  “I had a conversation with her, yes. I told her that I don’t want to be together. She had a hard time accepting it, but she knows. I’m sure that we will get our friendship back at some point.”

  “As it was?” she asks me pointedly. “You think it will be exactly the same? Best friends hanging out?”

  “I… I don’t know,” I admit. “I don’t know what happens from here. I will just have to wait and see.” She’s silent, just looking at me like she’s waiting for more. So that’s exactly what I give her. “I don’t regret anything. I wouldn’t change what happened for the world. Aside from the ending.” As I say these words, I realize just how true they are. “Me and you, we had something really good. I don’t like losing Rosie, but I still can’t regret anything. I wouldn’t want to change what we went through because it was so amazing.”

  “It was, wasn’t it?” She smiles off in to the distance, thinking about us too. “It was great.”

  “Shame it… you know, turned out like it did.” I find it much harder to smile.

  “I know, but it is what it is. We can’t change it, can we? I can’t make myself older, you can’t make yourself younger. I can’t take back the lie, you can’t take back the way that you reacted… all that we can do now is find a way to move forward. As… friends, or acquaintances. Whatever you want to do.”

  She’s mature. More mature than I ever gave her credit for. But it’s hardly surprising because she’s had to grow up so quickly. She hasn’t had any choice in the matter. I’m sure there’s more that she’s been through which I don’t know about which is why, in a way, she seems even more grown up than I am.

  It makes me think… it can’t change things, I suppose, but it does make me think…

  “So, I suppose I better get back. I have… things I need to get done at home while I have a break.”

  I don’t know if this is true, but I can’t exactly blame her for not wanting to spend her free evening with me. If this conversation is as painful for her as it is for me, then no wonder she wants to escape. The idea of this being the last time that we ever hang out is killer. But it’s a pain that I simply need to swallow down.

  “Sure, do you need a ride home, or don’t you live too far from here? I have my car at the office…”

  “No, I’m good. My apartment is just around the corner, so I’m all good.”

  There’s an awkward silence where it seems like she might be about to ask me to come around some time, or maybe she’ll invite me to come to her work place again, but she doesn’t. She keeps those lips of hers tightly sealed. It’s a shame. I won’t be able to see her again without an invite because it’ll be too obvious.

  “Right.” I stand up, scraping my chair on the floor as I do. “Let’s go then.”

  I walk in the same direction as her, even though that’s not the way I’m going, and we chat about nothing in particular. It’s so natural, it’s like breathing, so I don’t even need to consider the words falling out of my mouth. It’s nice not to have to worry about what I’m speaking about; it helps me to relax.

  “So… this is me,” she finally declares outside a pretty nice apartment block actually. “It was good to see you.”

  “It was wonderful to see you too. It’s nice to… I don’t know, just talk. It’s been a long time.” She smiles and my heart warms with joy. “I maybe would like to see you again some time, for a coffee or something.”

  I nod, even though it’s a dangerous idea. Us seeing one another again takes me down a path where my feelings can only grow over time. But I also can’t just shut her out. “I would like that very much.”

  One hug. That’s my plan. One hug just to say goodbye. That’s what friends do when they say goodbye. But I instantly know that it’s a mistake because the sensation of her body against mine creates electrical tingles everywhere. I’m on fire and every moment we remain connected it gets more intense. So, I pull back to pull away. I try to stop it before it gets too much… yet somehow, I end up with her lips on mine and a massive internal explosion. And what I thought would have been a goodbye, turned into an unplanned entry into her house.

  Chapter Thirty

  Ellie

  I stir in the bed, shifting the sheets over me as the heat gets a bit too much. I’m not normally so warm, especially not when it’s cooler outside, but this morning I am. It takes me a moment to work out why. To remember exactly what happened last night and to bolt upright in bed, panicking that I’ve fucked up all over again.

  “Shit,” I whisper as I rake my fingers through my hair while I look down at the sleeping gorgeous man beside me. Somehow, he manages to look different here. Sexier. More appealing than ever before. He makes my heart pound and throb so much harder, which only makes it more difficult that this can’t continue. Despite the intoxication that I feel for him, regardless of the chemistry that overwhelmed us last night, it’s over. We decided.

  But does it have to be? Really? If we had sex last night, then how much can he really want to reject me because of my age. Maybe he’s over the shock now and willing to look passed it. And if he doesn’t want to be with Rosie, then why can’t we be happy? Of course, I still don’t want to hurt my cousin, but I don’t want to turn down real feelings either. I don’t want to turn my back on the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

  Would she ever be happy for me? I honestly don’t know. I don’t know if she will ever be able to look passed the betraya
l. I have lived without her before, and while I don’t want to do it again, I know that I can.

  “Am I really considering this?” I ask myself quietly as I slide out of the bed. “What is the matter with me?”

  I can’t seem to be decisive about this man no matter what I do. Every time I think that it will be okay for us to be apart, that shifts and changes all over again. Mainly when I’m around him and my body starts pulsing with need. If he didn’t inspire that in me then maybe I would be okay, but I can’t help needing him with every inch of me. He just does something so insane to my body that no one else will ever achieve.

  I head straight for the bathroom and flick the shower on, smiling to myself as I wait for the water to heat up. Normally, this would be the time where I’d peel my clothes off, but I’m buck naked already. The same as I have been all night long because Oliver has been exploring my body in that expert way of his.

  “Oh God, I’m falling for him all over again.” Not that I ever stopped really, but it’s definitely more dramatic now. The way that I’m feeling this morning is far more intense. Far more dramatic. I know for sure that if I lose him again like I did before then it will tear an even deeper hole within me.

  Eventually, the water is hot enough, so I climb in and allow the steaming jets to pummel me. They wash off what happened last night, but the imprint of his body remains. I can practically feel him pushing up against me, thrusting deep within me, sending my head spinning in to space once more. I tingle with need. It doesn’t matter how much he satisfied me last night, I am needy and desperate all over again. Unfortunately, I’m alone and he’s still sleeping. But that doesn’t mean I can’t get what I need. I know how to pleasure myself…

  I slide my eyes closed and tilt my head back, allowing the water to rush over my face, and I allow my fingers to trickle down my body. Sparkles of excitement burst through me as I reach further and further down. I don’t go for my most sensitive area right away, I remain brushing over my belly, just enjoying the tingles, almost teasing myself. But soon I can’t handle it because the memory of him is so fresh, so I part my thighs a little and slip my hungry fingers between my legs. I stroke my clit, remembering how I nibbled his shoulders as he lifted me up off the bed and slammed me down on to my front so he could fuck me from behind.