His words have their effect on me, but I don’t let him see that. I’m still angry, and I’m not ready to hear his side. All I can hear is their conversation in my head, and all I can feel is the pain of it.
“Please, leave,” I tell all of them. “My life is here, and it’s clear what you all truly think of me.”
I walk back inside and close the door behind me, tears dripping down my cheeks. The sobs that come out from me are sounds I’ve never made before. How did I let them in so easily? I thought I’d found my people, where I’m meant to be, but now they’ve taken it away from me.
Even right now, even though I’m so angry and all I want to do is lash out at them, there’s nothing more I’d want than to be on the back of Ace’s bike, or back in the clubhouse.
I’m not going to trust them again though. And I don’t know if I can forgive them. Why are people always lying to me? They all knew how hurt I was over the lies Mom told me, and they did the same damn thing. I can’t think of anything worse.
My mom waits for me with open arms, and I hate that she probably knew something like this was going to happen. I hate that she saw me upset and showing emotion. I know it’s not right to think this way—she’s my mother after all—but it’s like with this situation she knew I was going to fail.
She was waiting for it.
And now it’s happened.
I went there, my head full of hope and dreams, and I came home upset, hurt, and betrayed.
She doesn’t say anything, and for that I’m thankful.
I hear the rumble of the motorcycles as they ride away, out of my life.
23
The next morning, I decide to get out of the house and visit my friend Mona, from elementary school. We catch up at least once a month, and I thought I’d go see her, since I wanted to get out of the house for a bit. She doesn’t live too far away, maybe a fifteen-minute walk, but I grab my skateboard to make the commute even faster. I’m on my board, smiling, because it’s been so long since I’ve skated, and enjoying the warm sunshine, when I hear him before I see him.
“I didn’t know you could skate,” Ace says from behind me.
I place my foot down on the pathway, stopping my movement. “You don’t know a lot of things about me.”
I turn around and watch as he catches up to me. “I can see that. Can we talk?”
“What are you doing here? I thought you rode home yesterday,” I say, clearing my throat. I didn’t expect him, and now he’s caught me off guard. My anger has left me, now I just feel resigned, depleted. I hate that when I look into his gray eyes, even now there’s still that spark. That tether. I still want to press my face against his chest, and allow him to hold me, to forget any of this happened so we can go back to how things were.
But I can’t do that.
Things have changed, and I’m not going to be weak and pretend that they haven’t.
“I’m not going home until we have a proper fuckin’ conversation,” he tells me. “I’m staying at the motel here.” He pauses, then adds, “Because they don’t even have a proper hotel. What’s up with that?”
“Small towns.” I shrug. “Some of the serviced apartments aren’t bad.”
“Didn’t come here to ask your ratings on accommodation.”
“You brought it up,” I point out. “Now if you don’t mind, I have somewhere to be. I’m really enjoying being outside, and I’m trying to distract myself from the fact that the man I was falling in love with was only with me because his boss told him so.”
He loses it at that, gripping my upper arm and pulling me toward him. “Did you not listen to anything I said yesterday? Or were you too busy yelling out accusations to hear?”
“Oh, I heard enough back at the clubhouse, don’t think that there’s anything else to be said, Ace,” I growl, my temper starting to spike along with his.
I did listen to what he said yesterday. And maybe I believe him. But the trust is gone, and it doesn’t change the fact that they manipulated me. That’s not so easy to forget, even if like Ace said, everything between us was real.
“You all think you can do whatever you want and get whatever you want, and you don’t give a shit about anything else,” I snarl back at him. “How long did you want to keep me there for, huh? Want to get me addicted to you? Well, guess what, you were already halfway there.”
“You can’t tell me you were falling in love with me and then just walk away, Erin,” he says to me, voice now calm and collected. “I should have told you what your dad had said to me so you’d have known that I was with you because I couldn’t not be with you, not because someone told me to do it. I’m fuckin’ crazy about you! Why else would I be here, in bum-fuck nowhere, practically begging for you just to fuckin’ listen to me? Do you think I normally do shit like this? Because let me tell you, princess, this is a motherfuckin’ first. I don’t chase women.”
We’re both breathing heavily at this point, looking into each other’s eyes, emotions running wild. “Is that why you were putting off sleeping with me?” I ask him, lifting my chin. “Did you feel a little guilty?”
He sighs. “I wanted to tell you first, so shit like this didn’t happen,” he replies, a muscle ticking in his jaw. “And yeah, I guess it didn’t feel right, but like I said, it doesn’t mean that I don’t have feelings for you, Erin. And everything between us was real, no one is that good of an actor. You can’t pretend to have a connection with someone; it’s there or it’s not.”
“Maybe it was just a one-sided connection,” I whisper, pulling my arm out of his hold. “I feel so stupid, Ace. I knew I was out of my league with you, with the age thing, and the whole biker thing, but I thought that maybe, just maybe . . . I don’t even know what I thought.”
“You think I don’t know that? Fuck the age issue; your dad is my president, Erin. You can make fun of that all you like, but I’m loyal to my MC. Can I be loyal to my MC and to a woman? Sure. But when you’re his daughter things become a little fuckin’ tricky, so, sorry. I did what I could to give him what he wanted, and to be with you, which is what I wanted. Does it matter what I said to him when I wanted you anyway? If I didn’t want you, my life would be so much fuckin’ easier right now. You don’t even live in the city, and you’re about to start college and create your own future. Without me. Nothing about this situation is ideal, so don’t act like you’re the only one put out here.”
I open my mouth and then close it. I don’t even know what to say to that, because he said it perfectly, nothing about this situation is ideal. In fact, everything is working against us, beside the fact that we both seem to want each other. Is that enough?
They say love isn’t always enough, and I suddenly understand that saying. There are so many other factors that come into play for a couple to be together and have a happy and healthy relationship.
Why is he even here? It doesn’t change anything really, except maybe he can leave with us on good terms instead of my wanting to erase him from my life and memory. But we still can’t be together . . . can we?
I hate that the idea is still lingering in my mind.
“What do you want from me, Ace?” I ask him bluntly, just needing to know where his head is at right now, because I have no idea.
“Come to my motel with me,” he murmurs, raising his hands up with his palms out forward. “Just to chat, nothing else.”
I study him, wariness filling me. I’m torn. I don’t really know why we’d have anything else to say to each other, but at the same time . . . it’s Ace.
I glance down at my skateboard. “I told my friend Mona I’d drop in for a coffee and a chat.”
“Will Mona care if you bring a friend for this chat?” he asks, flashing me that charming smile.
I don’t smile in return. “I guess not,” I say with hesitation.
Mona lives alone, in her own little house that her parents bought for her. I get back on my skateboard but ride slower, as not to be rude. I don’t know why though. I shou
ld be as rude as I want to him, considering everything.
“Did Dad and Knuckles go home?” I ask, looking straight ahead.
“Yeah, Knuckles had to pick up his girls, and your dad was just in a really shitty mood,” he admits, walking quickly to keep up with me. He takes a deep breath and then says, “I’m sorry you overheard us saying those things. I know it’s fucked-up, but your dad loves you, he just clearly doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing, as a newfound parent.”
“Don’t try to make excuses for him,” I tell him, scowling. “Did he ask you to do that too?”
“No,” he replies, sounding offended that I’d think that.
“Just going by history.”
“When are you going to let that go?” he mutters, gritting his teeth together.
I realize that he’s not used to being in this situation. He’s in the wrong, he fucking knows it, and from what he’s said he usually wouldn’t give a shit, that this would be when he walks away.
But instead of walking away, he’s walking with me, while I skateboard to a person’s house he doesn’t even know—another girl who is also my age and will probably have nothing in common with him.
“Well, it just happened yesterday, so I don’t know? Maybe in six months’ time? I’ll let you know,” I reply, smiling just a little too sweetly to be real.
He’s not so amused.
“If I had known you were coming, I’d have brought my extra skateboard for you.”
“Or we could have ridden on my bike,” he replies in a dry tone, glancing around the street. “How far away is this place?”
“Not very far,” I say. “But far enough that you can tell me whatever it is you want to say to me without my having to go back to your motel.”
He steps in front of me, blocking any possible movement. “I’m sorry. I should have told you, both how I was feeling and what had been asked of me. Now it’s up to you if you choose to forgive me, or if you’re going to let your stubborn pride ruin something that could be fucking amazing.”
I stay quiet, contemplating his words. When we arrive at Mona’s house, I knock twice and wait for her reaction when she sees all six foot four of the delicious, yet assholey man next to me.
“Hey, Erin,” she says, beaming as she opens her door, her eyes then landing on Ace. “And helllooo to you.”
Ace’s trademark smile makes an appearance. “I’m Ace, I hope you don’t mind if I join you both for coffee . . .” He looks to me and smirks. “And chats.”
He’s such a smart-ass.
“Of course not,” Mona says, gesturing for us to enter. “A friend of Erin’s is a friend of mine.”
I step in and flash her a wide-eyed look. She smiles, looking all sorts of amused.
“You’re tall,” she says to Ace, studying him.
“I know,” he replies, crossing his arms over his chest. “So how do you and Erin know each other?”
“We’ve gone to school together pretty much our entire lives,” Mona explains as we sit down on her couches, with Ace next to me and Mona facing us.
“Good, so you’ll know all the juicy shit about her then,” Ace murmurs, resting his arm along the back of the couch, behind my neck. “I’d love to hear what she was like growing up.”
Mona laughs and shares a look with me. “She was a troublemaker, that’s for sure, but always had a heart of gold. I remember one time there was this girl getting bullied, so Erin stood up for her and punched the bully in the face.” She smirks. “She was suspended for three days.”
“How old was she?” Ace asks, seeming genuinely interested in her story of my antics.
“Seven,” Mona tells him. “And what can I get you both to drink?” She turns to me and says, “I’m guessing a coffee with two sugars for you?”
I nod.
“Ace?”
“I’ll just have a black coffee with two sugars, thank you,” he says to her, moving closer to me so our bodies are almost touching.
“Is your real name Ace?” she asks him as she starts to move to the kitchen. “Or is it a nickname?”
“Nickname,” he replies, and I hope Mona asks him for his real name because I don’t even know what it is.
“What’s your real name?”
Yes!
I always knew I loved this girl.
He looks to me like he knows what I’m thinking, that this is the first time I will hear the name that’s on his birth certificate. “Carson. Carson Kendrick.”
Carson.
“Well, nice to meet you, Carson,” Mona says, disappearing to make us our hot drinks.
“I like her,” he says to me softly, so only I can hear.
“She’s a woman and she’s pretty, of course you like her,” I say with an eye roll.
“Maybe I like her because she’s not mean.”
“Maybe she’s not mean because she didn’t hear you talking shit about her,” I fire back, annoyed both that he’s bringing this up again and that he likes Mona, which is absolutely ridiculous.
What has he done to me?
I’m screwed.
24
Mona brings out the coffee, along with a cheese platter she made up for us.
“So you went to meet your real dad and came back with him?” she asks, cutting a piece of Brie for her cracker. “This sounds like a story I’d like to hear.”
“I didn’t bring him back,” I point out. “He followed me here.”
“Because she left without so much as good-bye,” Ace adds.
“I left a letter,” I tell Mona, sniffing. “He’s old, I thought a letter would be more appropriate than a text message.”
“I’m not old,” he growls, looking to Mona for help. “Is she always this . . . this—?”
“Bratty? Stubborn? A pain in the ass?” Mona asks, nodding. “Yes, yes she is. But her good qualities are worth putting up with the bad for.”
“I know that, or I wouldn’t be sitting here right now,” Ace admits, and I can feel his eyes on me, but I look at Mona instead.
“Let’s talk about you, Mona,” I say, changing the subject. “How’s your love life going? Anyone new since we last spoke?”
“Nope,” she replies, looking content about that fact. “Might have to go to the city with you next time and find me my own tall, sexy, badass Viking man.”
I sigh and scrub a hand down my face. “Don’t give him a bigger head, trust me, he doesn’t need it. And he’s not a Viking, because he doesn’t have a beard.”
“I can grow a beard,” he says, touching his chin like he’s imagining it. “I’ve had one before, but I think it makes me look older.”
“Well, you wouldn’t want that,” I say with a straight face.
“I ran into Clint at the grocery store yesterday, he asked about you,” Mona continues, missing the fact that Ace stills next to me.
“Clint still lives here, huh?” Ace rumbles, and now he’s the one with a fake smile. “Of course he does.”
“What does that mean?” I ask him, frowning. “Mona and I live here, too, you know.”
“You two argue like a married couple,” Mona points out, thoughtfully chewing on a celery stick. “Why don’t you just tell me why you’re so mad at him, Erin, so I can weigh in?”
“Because I don’t want to talk about it, or about Ace. I want to talk about you and how you’ve been,” I huff, grabbing my own celery stick and biting down on it, hard.
“We can’t really exclude him from the conversation,” Mona says, giggling. She’s giggling! “It’s rude. And I’ve never seen you act like this with a guy before, so I’m highly intrigued.”
“I feel like we’re in couple’s therapy right now,” I grumble, munching away. “When are you going back home?” I ask Ace.
“That depends.”
“On what?” I ask, swallowing and eyeing him.
“On you. And when you forgive me and realize that you’re mine,” he says casually, like he’s talking about his day or some shit. “It doesn’t ma
tter what happened, or what will happen, princess. You’re mine. And you know what? I’m yours, too. So admit it, and then I can go home and wait for you to come back to me.” He pauses and then adds, “Or I’ll come back down here when I can. See, I can fuckin’ compromise. I’m flexible.”
My jaw drops, and so does Mona’s celery stick. I did not expect him to be so honest and to say all that, especially in front of Mona.
I look to my friend apologetically. “Thank you for having us, but I need to get going. I’ll have you over at my place next week sometime?”
She nods. “Go and sort this out. We can catch up whenever; I’m just down the road.”
I stand and bend down and give her a warm hug. “Love you.”
“Love you too.” She looks over my shoulder at Ace. “Look after her.”
“Always,” he replies, thanking Mona for having him over. I quickly help her tidy up, then walk outside, grabbing my skateboard from the front of her house, where I left it.
“Where are you going now?” he asks me, walking next to me as I place the board down and stand on it.
“I don’t know,” I whisper.
And I don’t.
I could go home, and try to get rid of him and tell him he should forget me.
Or I can go back with him to his motel, truly listen to what he has to say, and then fuck his brains out.
He said that I’m his, and that he’s mine, and he sounded like he meant it.
What if he is only here right now because my dad ordered him to fix things? He got offended when I asked that, but surely he can see why it would be a valid concern for me. My trust is shattered, and I don’t know what to think. I don’t want the men to see me as weak, as someone they can just manipulate and get to do whatever they want. Maybe Ace is right, and my pride is the issue, but I also just want to protect myself. My life was so much simpler before I walked through the Cursed Ravens’ clubhouse doors, but I can’t regret it. I found out so much about myself, and I met people who will stay with me forever.
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