The Coming of Derek (a quirky comedy)

by A. J. Carpenter

  Felicity came out from the kitchen and was shocked to see Derek gazing wistfully at the new cleaning lady in her thoroughly inappropriate clothing. She may as well have been wearing a French maids outfit and been tickling Derek with a feather duster. He was clearly in awe of her and Janka was responding in a very flirtatious manner.

  Felicity was not happy, she shouldn’t have been jealous but, way down in her big toe, she was. She had got used to being the only lady in Derek’s life and despite the fact that she was certain that she didn’t want to be with him, she didn’t want to let him go either, not just yet. He was her Derek and that was the way she liked it.

  ‘Hi, I’m Felicity,’ she said, striding out and breaking their gazes.

  The corners of Janka’s mouth dropped, before she reached out her hand and forced a teeth ridden grin onto her face. The tension between them grew as the girls shook hands forcefully. They were like animals at a standoff in the middle of the jungle. Oblivious, Derek scurried off into the kitchen to bring out the cleaning products.

  ‘So today we’d like to pay you fifty pounds to clean the whole house thoroughly, is that okay?’ Felicity patronised.

  Janka nodded dutifully.

  ‘Then, if you do a good job, we may ask you to come back again. Then we’ll negotiate an hourly rate.’

  Janka laughed awkwardly.

  ‘So just today?’ she said, fluttering her eyelashes.

  ‘Maybe, we’ll see.’

  ‘Oh, okay. So you are Dirik's wife, no?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘But you are his girlfriend, I think.’

  ‘No...none of your business,’ Felicity responded defensively.

  Derek entered from the kitchen laden with cleaning products, which he arranged neatly on the bottom stair so that Janka could have easy access to them. Whilst looking over at the girls chatting along merrily, he couldn’t help but notice the attractive glow of Janka’s ample chest. She had a conveniently placed silver drop necklace that nestled seductively into her cleavage and jeans that were so low cut you could see the top dimple of her perfectly formed butt cheeks. She was like something out of one of his Eastern European fantasies and right now, he was thoroughly distracted.

  ‘Shall I...shall I give you a tour of the house then, Janka?’ Derek asked, desperate to be near her.

  Felicity gave him a stern look, making him realize that he may not have been being as subtle as he would have hoped. But he continued anyway.

  ‘That way I can...can show you where everything... is and you can get going. Is that...is that okay?’ Derek added, a stammering mess.

  ‘I like that, I like that very much,’ Janka agreed smiling innocently.

  ‘Yeah, I bet you do,’ Felicity muttered, unimpressed.

  Derek did not hear but Janka did.

  ‘Di do pici vole,’ she replied

  ‘What does that mean?’ Derek asked, impressed.

  ‘I tell you at different time,’ Janka responded, pouting her lips naughtily.

  Derek ushered Janka up the stairs, following close behind and getting an immaculate view of her perfect bottom.

  Felicity stormed into the kitchen. She was pissed off. Sitting at the huge oak kitchen table, she pondered whether she could like Derek as something more than friends. He gave her a comfort and a feeling of security that she had never felt before and he was always there when she needed him. She thought back to the night that she had stripped him of his wilted flower and pondered whether that was something that she could ever consider doing again. This brought her down to earth with a bang. As much as she loved Derek, they just wouldn’t work as a couple. But that still didn’t change the fact that Janka was hugely unsuitable for him and came across as a filthy slag.

  Derek, meanwhile, was busy showing Janka every corner of his monstrous house.

  ‘It is beautiful. You are...you are lucky to live here, I think.’

  ‘Thank you, Janka, that’s very sweet of you.’

  ‘I think your girlfriend has nice decorated.’

  ‘I don’t have a girlfriend,’ Derek jumped in, desperate not to be overlooked.

  ‘But uh...how do you call her? Felily? I don’t know how you say.’

  ‘Felicity?’

  ‘Yes, she is your girlfriend, no?’

  ‘Felicity? No, she’s not my girlfriend’ Derek chuckled, looking at Janka fondly.

  ‘I think this is good. Okay, I work now,’ she scoffed, ending the conversation quickly as she headed down the stairs to get some cleaning stuff.

  Derek followed closely behind.

  ‘Can I get you a drink?’ he asked, desperate for a few more moments with her.

  ‘Ah, coffee is nice.’

  ‘Good, I’ll make you a coffee then.’

  And with that, Janka headed up the stairs to begin cleaning, whilst Derek stood awkwardly trying his best not to stare.

  ‘I’ll put the kettle on then,’ he shouted after her, before hurrying off to the kitchen.

  Felicity was sat at the table eating dry cereal from the packet.

  ‘Derek, you don’t have to use her again after this.’

  ‘Oh, no, I like her, I’m sure she’ll be very useful... with the house.’

  ‘Do you really think that’s a good idea?’

  ‘I don’t understand,’ he responded bemused

  ‘Derek, your tongue was hanging out and you were practically dribbling. Do you really think you should employ someone because you fancy them? It’s a recipe for disaster.’

  ‘Obviously I’m not going to employ her if she doesn’t do a good job! You are just going to have to loosen up, Felicity,’ Derek retaliated, angry at her protective behaviour.

  Felicity was gobsmacked.

  ‘Fine, I’m sorry I said anything, serves me right for looking out for your best interests.’

  ‘You’re not looking out for me, Felicity. You’re looking out for yourself.’

  ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

  ‘It doesn’t matter.’

  ‘No, come on. What do you mean?’

  ‘Forget it. I’m sorry. I should never have said anything. I didn’t mean it like that.’

  ‘Yeah, well, what did you mean it like?’

  ‘Felicity!’

  ‘I’m going to go.’

  ‘Don’t go.’

  ‘Do you have the number for a taxi?’

  ‘I’ll drive you.’

  ‘No, it’s okay.’

  ‘I will drive you.’

  ‘Just give me the number for a taxi. It’s fine.’

  ‘No. It’s okay. I will drive you,’ Derek responded, adamant that he didn’t want Felicity wasting her much needed money on a taxi over a stupid little argument.

  He grabbed the keys and passed them forcefully to her.

  ‘Here. Go and wait in the car and I’ll meet you out there in a second.’

  Felicity could see that Derek was desperately trying to keep her on side. So she did what he had said, whilst Derek hurried up the stairs.

  ‘Janka!’ he shouted as he ascended, unaware of which orifice of the house she may be scrubbing.

  ‘Janka?’

  ‘Hallo? Dirik?’

  Derek soon found her cleaning his grandmother’s old bedroom. Despite the temptation of a large room with a large luxurious bed, he had been unable to bring himself to move into her room. It felt like blasphemy.

  ‘I like you in photograph,’ Janka commented, as he entered the room.

  ‘Thank you. How are you finding everything?’ Derek laughed awkwardly.

  ‘Good, good.’

  ‘Good, good. I’m just going to be popping out for a few minutes to drop off Felicity. Will you be okay here on your own?’

  ‘You go out?’

  ‘Yes and I’ll be back in thirty minutes.

  ‘Half an hour, okay?’

  And with that Janka gave Derek a huge grin, got down on her hands and knees and began scrubbing at the skirting board, making sure that her pert little b
ottom was in full view.

  Derek stared for a little longer than he should have done, before leaving the room and heading to the car. By the time he got out there, Felicity had already tuned in the radio and turned it up. Derek said nothing. He just got in and started to drive.

  About five minutes into the journey, Felicity finally swallowed her pride and spoke.

  ‘I’m sorry....it’s just...well you’re too good for her.’

  ‘Felicity, in case you hadn’t noticed. I met the girl less than an hour ago. I have not slept with her, I have none of her babies, in fact, I have no commitment to the girl other than to pay her wages and you’re worried that I’m too good for her?’

  ‘I saw the way you looked at her, Derek.’

  Derek paused, contemplating his answer.

  ‘She’s a beautiful girl and given the opportunity I would more than certainly oblige. But a girl like that doesn’t go for a man like me and I am well aware of that, Felicity. And the more you mention it, the more it feels like you are rubbing it in. So will you just drop it?’

  ‘It’s just cause I love ya. And for the record you’re much better than her,’ Felicity replied sulkily.

  ‘That’s very nice of you. But you have to let me make my own choices, whether you like it or not. I never stood in the way of you getting your new breasts, did I?’

  ‘Yes, but you like them now, don’t you?’

  ‘I like them because you like them. That’s it.’

  ‘Okay, okay. I get the point. I’m sorry. I will keep my mouth well and truly shut from now on, how’s that?’

  Derek gave her a big smile and a squeezed her leg fondly. ‘I don’t know how I’d live without you,’ he said honestly.

  ‘You’d cope.’ Felicity joked, and they both simmered a laugh until there was an awkward silence.

  ‘Anyway, I was wondering what you would like to do for your birthday?’

  It was Felicity’s twenty-fifth birthday that month and Derek was in the process of plotting some plans with the aim of giving her the best birthday ever.

  ‘Get drunk, and run away to a tropical island. That would be perfect,’ Felicity joked, picturing herself splayed out amongst the sand with a cocktail in one hand and the sea lapping delicately at her feet.

  ‘Other than that?’ Derek pushed, dismissing it as an idea.

  ‘Derek, I honestly don’t care. My friends from school will probably want to go out for a couple of drinks but, other than that, I have no plans and I couldn’t really give a shit.’

  ‘Good, well, leave it with me,’ Derek insisted, suddenly looking very sneaky. ‘I think I can handle it.’

  He smiled knowingly at Felicity so that she let out a squeal of excitement. Since her dad and brother had left Crackerley, she had kept a low profile on her birthdays. Now, with her newly pumped breasts, she was ready to get back into the swing of things.

  The pair had now arrived at Felicity’s house, where her mum could be seen sleeping in the kitchen window.

  ‘Do you want to come in?’ she asked, regretting her decision to go home.

  ‘Uh, no, I think I will pass this time,’ Derek replied, looking over at the beached whale lying by the kitchen sink.

  ‘Yeah, you’ve got to get back and see Janka, haven’t you?’ Felicity mocked.

  ‘Oh, Felicity, please!’

  ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry,’ she lied.

  ‘Good,’ Derek said, as he planted a peck on her cheek before watching her to the front door.

  On hearing the gravel crackling in the drive, Beverley had awoken and was now waving and doing the ‘Macarena’ in her kitchen window. Derek waved quickly back and then put his foot down, speedily reversing from Beverley’s drunken grasps.

  25

  NUMBER TWO

  Janka had done a fantastic job on the house. The kitchen glowed and no longer smelt like mould. The carpets had stopped creating a mist of dust when walked on and an overwhelming smell of bleach powered through the whole house.

  In his old world the employment of a cleaner would seem frivolous and ridiculous, but with his new found wealth Derek could find no reason why he shouldn’t spend twenty pounds a week on making sure that he had a lovely, fresh home. So Janka was now going to come every Saturday morning and Derek always looked forward to it.

  The kettle had boiled and Derek was carefully pouring a strong cup of coffee for Janka. He had laid a variety of biscuits into a neat circle on a plate and had put the milk in a small jug and the sugar in a pot.

  As Janka entered with the mop and placed it up against the wall, Derek was mesmerized by her double scoop bottom wiggling in his face. Felicity had been right. As the weeks went on, Janka’s attire had dramatically decreased and she was currently sporting a tiny pair of shorts with Ugg type boots and a nonexistent khaki vest top. Every inch of her body was perfectly toned and phenomenally smooth and her smile lit up the room.

  ‘Thank you,’ she said, as she reached for her coffee.

  ‘Not a problem, Janka. You are doing a sturdy job,’ Derek enthused, attempting to shower her with compliments.

  ‘I think you get lonely in house on your own.’ Janka stated, glugging at her coffee.

  ‘It’s okay, I’m used to it.’

  ‘It is yours or you pay for it?’

  ‘It was my grandmother’s. She died.’

  ‘Old people die. Sad. So it is yours now, yes?’

  ‘Well, yes, I suppose it is mine,’ Derek replied, as he offered her the biscuits.

  Janka opted for a custard cream and began nibbling on it like a baby mouse.

  Derek was captivated.

  ‘Your wife, she died too?’ Janka asked randomly.

  ‘My wife?’ Derek replied confused. ‘Felicity is not my wife.’

  ‘But you have a wife, no?’

  ‘No,’ Derek responded, sick of the reminder that he was all alone.

  ‘No wife!’ Janka gasped amazed.

  ‘No, no wife’ Derek confirmed again.

  ‘Wow!’ Janka said, as she picked up her coffee and another biscuit and headed off to continue the cleaning.

  Derek stayed in the kitchen. He was not a major drinker of coffee, so when he did drink it, it tended to go right through him. He was thoroughly relieved then, when Janka left the room, because a vast mass of air came rumbling through his cheeks. It was not as satisfying as Derek would have hoped and he quickly began to get twitchy in his seat. This soon became accompanied by panic. He had no intention of dropping the kids off at the pool with Janka in the house, but he was beginning to feel like this was entirely out of his control. As he rolled gawkily from cheek to cheek, he could feel the pressure mounting and the control slipping away from him. A montage of ways to solve the situation rushed through his head. Should he run to the car and drive as far away as possible before copping a squat on the side of the road? Or should he go and find the remotest part of the garden, placing his dainty little rear, like a god of the ants, just above the ground? He needed to get it out before it exploded from him.

  ‘Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit,’ he muttered to himself, for want of a better word.

  Now it was crunch time and Derek bounded up the stairs to the main bathroom, tripping on every other stair as he ran. Powering through the door, his muscles began to relax at their imminent release, until Derek came face to face with an underwear clad Janka bent over the bath.

  ‘Oh!’ Derek squeaked, in a pitch only audible to aliens.

  Janka glowed like a Mediterranean whore, her lacy pink thong separating her cheeks like courses on a menu. Her breasts were indescribably outstanding cupped in a hot pink push up bra and the cutest little mole sat prominently on her wash board stomach.

  ‘Ehhhh!’ Derek expelled, as the awareness of his overactive bowels came back.

  But he still couldn’t find a way to move from the spot. She was captivating and Derek was having a jolly good perv.

  ‘Hallo, Dirik!’ Janka acknowledged, completely uncaring of her state of
undress.

  ‘Hel....ehhhhh!’ Derek replied, as the first juicy present began curling itself out.

  Derek took the pause that he needed to regain his composure, before flying out of the room, leaving Janka with wet, green stagnant air.

  ‘Pici, po pici,’ she muttered, pinching her Minnie Mouse nose.

  Derek was descending the stairs at great pace and was completely oblivious to Janka’s derisory curse. His right hand was cupping his back door, whilst he lolloped to the downstairs toilet. Derek had always avoided using that particular toilet because his grandmother had forced him to sit in there when he had done something wrong. It was her version of the naughty step but smellier. He would be in there for hours sometimes and once, when he had stolen a pound from his grandmother’s purse to buy a bouncy ball, he had been forced to eat his dinner in there as well.

  Needless to say, it wasn’t his favourite room in the house. But this was an emergency and as Derek banged open the door, he was over the moon to see it. Stripping his jeans down, like a hooker on speed, he grimaced before three killer meteorites plummeted into the pool beneath. As the spray hit Derek’s straining arse, he let out a rumble of thunder before a heavy splattering of chocolate rain plunged into the depths. This was followed by a few random droppings and then the quiet whimper of Derek’s relief. He reeled of a sheet of toilet roll so long that it could stretch from Dublin to Belfast and set about on the enviable task of cleaning himself up.

  Janka, meanwhile, had regained her composure and was now in Derek’s room, running a duster over the surfaces at a tortoise pace. She started opening drawers. She didn’t know what she expected to find but empty drawers were not it. A man of Derek’s wealth should have had drawers full of jewellery, cash and hi tech gadgets. But as Janka finally found a used drawer, she realized that this was not, in fact, the case. It was stuffed with batteries, a medley of rainbow coloured condoms, a selection of hard core porn and a single photograph of Felicity. She had, indeed, discovered Derek’s man drawer. Whilst helping herself to a couple of the condoms, she noticed a small box creeping out from under his bed. Getting down onto her hands and knees, she dragged it out and lifted the lid.

  ‘Yoi,’ she muttered, as she was confronted with a box full of fifty pound notes. Her eyes grew bright and round and her teeth glistened as she smiled.