The Coming of Derek (a quirky comedy)

by A. J. Carpenter

  ‘I think I could like you,’ she whispered, flicking intently through the money.

  Carefully, she selected five notes that would go unmissed, before squeezing the box back under the bed.

  Derek was desperate to change his clothes, although he was more desperate to wash, but Janka was in the bathroom, so changing his clothes would have to suffice for now. He had already cleaned himself up, using a roll and a half of toilet paper that was now clogging up the drains all the way to the Thames. Desperate to regain some cleanliness, Derek snuck into his bedroom.

  ‘Hallo,’ Janka oozed.

  He jumped so suddenly that his insides were now on the ceiling and his skin was lying in a wrinkled heap on the floor.

  ‘Oh...sorry...I’ll....I’ll....I’ll,’ Derek stammered, not knowing what to say or do. It was all getting more and more mortifying by the second.

  ‘I am five minutes,’ Janka responded, noticing remnants of the previous smell. ‘You take a big bath and I am finished.’

  Derek didn’t know what this meant. He didn’t know whether Janka was aware that he had just had an accident of the arse and if that was why she had suggested a bath, or whether she was just encouraging him to relax. Nevertheless, Derek stood there gormlessly unable to process his thoughts.

  Janka, however, was convinced that a bath was what Derek needed and headed to the bathroom to run one.

  ‘I make you nice one,’ she said on her departure.

  Having poured some shower gel into the running water, Janka returned to the bedroom and grabbed Derek by the hand.

  ‘We take a bath,’ she said.

  ‘We... We?’ Derek said, unable to believe his ears.

  Janka giggled, ‘You want to take bath with me?’

  ‘Uh, no!..I mean...I don’t know...I thought that’s what...I thought that’s what....’ he couldn’t finish his sentence and was thoroughly embarrassed that he had misunderstood.

  ‘It’s okay, we have bath,’ Janka continued.

  And before Derek had been given a chance to protest he was being dragged into the bathroom by the hot Slovakian.

  The bath was now half full and the shower gel was creating uneven bubbles over the surface. Janka grabbed Derek’s sleeves and began pulling him out of his clothes. Derek was more than reluctant but unable to refuse. As his head released from his jumper, he wondered whether this was the usual Slovakian custom or whether Janka was, in fact, seducing him in the most forthright of manners. Grabbing at his belt, she tried to put the trousers previous predicament out of her mind, but her gag reflex was in full swing. She was relieved then when Derek took over the removal of his lower half, before jumping into the bath like an embarrassed teenager, hiding himself under the bubbles. The whole experience was overwhelming for him, like he had walked into a set of a porn film completely by accident.

  Janka was not satisfied by Derek’s nakedness and began unravelling her clothes yet again to reveal her hot pink frillies. Until now, Derek had felt like a kidnap victim, but his little friend was starting to wake up to the situation and everything was looking a lot rosier.

  ‘I wash you,’ Janka said, grabbing the slightly mouldy sponge from the side of the bath and plunging her hand into the water, right between his legs. She picked up the soap and began lathering up the sponge seductively.

  Derek was sat bolt upright but Janka pushed him back so that she could begin smothering his chest in foam. Turning his head, to prevent any back spray, Derek was now face to face with Janka’s scantily clad lady garden. The lace skimmed over her bare naked lady lips like the ripples on top of a Vienetta. He was trying his hardest not to look, but it felt as though she was intentionally placing herself there in order for him to do so. So Derek willingly obliged. As Janka began reaching further and further down, her breasts started popping in and out of Derek’s view.

  ‘Do you clean naked as a rule?’ he asked, thinking conversation might aid the awkwardness of the situation.

  ‘Naked? Yes, naked,’ Janka grinned eagerly, as she removed her bra and began lathering herself with the sponge.

  She had misunderstood Derek. Derek was of the opinion that underwear could be classed as naked, although Janka had clearly disagreed.

  ‘Oh, you’ve misunderstood,’ Derek said, growing ever worried that Janka had an evening job as well. ‘I didn’t mean that...’

  ‘Oh, okay, you want this,’ Janka misread yet again, wiggling as she pulled her knickers off.

  Derek swallowed hard, ‘Would you like to come in?’ he asked, thinking it polite to ask, but conscious of the fact that she probably would anyway.

  Janka obliged, lifting her right leg up and placing it on the bath. Derek was dazzled, looking into her vast expanse and fascinated by her nakedness. After it looked as though Derek had had an eye-full, she dropped her right foot into the bath before picking up her left foot to join it. She wiggled her tiny little bottom in-between Derek’s feet and then she picked up Derek’s left foot and began sucking his toes like a melting ice lolly. At first Derek was a bit disgusted, but he slowly relaxed into it and became pleasantly surprised. Despite the stinging pain when Janka caught one of his toe hairs in her teeth, the sensation was incredible and his buoy was now bobbing on the surface of the water.

  ‘I want you, Derek. Do you want me too?’ Janka purred.

  ‘Uh, yes, yes....yes,’ Derek stammered, unable to express how keen he was.

  ‘Good,’ Janka said, ‘I make you happy.’

  Derek was touched and took a moment out of the lust to say, ‘I hope I can make you happy too.’

  ‘Totalni blbec,’ Janka mumbled.

  ‘What does that mean’ Derek asked.

  ‘It mean...you’re hot,’ she replied, as she thrust her legs out of the water and began cupping her feet around his little shark, thrusting up and down like a dolphin, whilst she played with her two floaters.

  Derek still had an exceptional view and was beginning to think that his luck had finally turned. He had never felt so desired before and she was one of the most delicate beauties he had ever seen. Yet she had a passionate sluttiness to her that was straight out of a brash American movie and Derek was loving it.

  ‘My turn,’ she demanded, coming to her feet and squatting over his face. Derek was stunned and fumbled about, reaching up towards her.

  ‘No!’ Janka shouted. ‘You must tongue me.’

  So he did. The last time his tongue had had such a workout was when he had played an iguana in the primary school play. Derek’s neck was beginning to feel the strain, so he was relieved when Janka stood up and forced him to lie back. As he did, she lowered herself weightily on top of him until he was submerged in the water, trapped in her cave. This was short lived because Derek’s legs began kicking and Janka had to eventually surrender and let him come up for air.

  The miniscule bath and water thrashings were now becoming tiresome and the pair soon moved onto the bathroom floor, where they both received carpet burns, Janka on her knees and Derek on his arse.

  ‘Condom!’ he suddenly shouted, a bit too late.

  Janka laughed, ‘I have drug.’

  At first Derek panicked, thinking that she could be on class A’s or have taken viagra, but as soon as he realized that she was talking about the pill, he continued on his merry little way.

  Janka was vocally exploding with groans. Derek opened his eyes and saw her pounding about on top of him. He was loving every thrust of it. So when the event was coming to an end, Derek let off a fantastic firework display that left her dripping with more than just bath water.

  Janka quickly removed Derek from within her, before getting straight into the shower.

  ‘You take me home soon,’ she said, looking stroppy but feeling disgusting.

  ‘Oh, right, yes, not a problem,’ Derek replied, deeply confused. After a little thought he added, ‘Do you...do you fancy going out for some dinner?’

  ‘With you?’ Janka asked, appearing appalled.

  ‘Uh...well, yes,
’ Derek replied.

  ‘I love to,’ Janka responded, smiling falsely.

  ‘Good...that’s lovely...well I’ll leave you to it.’

  Once he had closed the bathroom door behind him, he let out a little scream and started dancing naked around the landing. His weapon bouncing up and down like a chipolata shaped tennis ball.

  ‘Derek! What the fuck are you doing?’ Felicity squealed from the top of the staircase.

  Derek jumped, clutching his privates with one hand and covering his right nipple with the other.

  ‘Felicity! What are you doing here?’

  ‘No, Derek, what are you doing here?’ Felicity probed, amidst her hysterics.

  Derek started walking swiftly to his bedroom, not knowing whether to cover his privates or his rear. Felicity trotted along behind him, but on hearing the sound of water running she stopped.

  ‘Why’s the shower still on?’ she asked.

  Derek froze, his eyes twitching slowly from side to side and a spare finger flicking his upper thigh.

  ‘I...I was...going to do it later,’ he squeaked, looking shifty.

  Felicity caught onto this and headed directly for the bathroom.

  ‘Felicity!’ Derek shouted after her but the door was already open.

  Felicity was confronted by the cleaner scrubbing herself down violently in the shower.

  ‘Derek?’ she said, looking at him disappointed. ‘Did you just sleep with her?’

  ‘Not technically, no,’ Derek replied, unsuccessfully trying to twist her words.

  ‘Did you have sex with her, Derek?’ Felicity asked wearily.

  ‘Yes,’ Derek admitted, like a guilty school boy.

  ‘All you had to do was tell me,’ Felicity sulked heading out of the room, in the hopes of shaking visions of the cleaner’s pussy cat hairless in the shower.

  Derek went to follow, but Janka called out and beckoned him over. She grabbed his hands and placed them onto her chest, before forcefully kissing him.

  Derek paused for a second as he tried to regain his breath. He then planted a quick peck on her lips before grabbing a towel, wrapping it around his lower body and diving out of the room after Felicity.

  ‘Felicity!’ he shouted, emerging from the bathroom.

  She was sat on the top of the stairs, but stood when she saw him come out.

  ‘Quite the stud, aren’t you?’ she mocked.

  ‘Are you mad at me?’ Derek asked, concerned for their friendship.

  ‘Course I’m not mad at you. You’re too good for her. I know that, anyone can see it. It’s only you that can’t. But I’m not mad at you.’

  ‘Good,’ he responded, feeling slightly better.

  ‘I’ve no right to be,’ Felicity continued.

  Seeing the look in her eyes, Derek came down to meet her on the step. He planted a peck on her cheek before saying ‘You’ll always be my Felicity.’

  Felicity giggled before waggling her finger at him.

  ‘Don’t let her hurt you, okay?’

  26

  HAPPY BIRTHDAY

  It was the day of Felicity’s birthday and Derek was busy writing her card. Due to his new found financial situation, it was going to be Felicity’s best birthday ever. Derek squealed at the very thought of it, before adding some much needed saliva to the red envelope and sealing it up.

  Felicity would be spending the day with Derek and the evening with her slightly more youthful friends. Although Derek had been asked to attend the evening shenanigans, he had politely refused. He was going to spend it with Janka instead, his new and very sexy girlfriend.

  He was wearing a new pair of boxer shorts that Janka had brought for him and a smart blue and white checked shirt that had been loosely tucked into his jeans. As he picked up his keys and started to leave the house, he caught sight of the flowers lying on the kitchen counter. He grabbed them and ran out the door.

  He was picking Felicity up at her house. With Beverley to contend with, this was always a mission. Felicity had insisted that she spend at least the first half of the day with her mum. It was twenty-five years since Felicity had popped out of Beverley’s oven and so it would understandably be an important date for the both of them. This was not, in fact, the case. When Derek arrived at the house Beverley opened the door, greeting Derek with a wet, sloppy, alcohol fuelled kiss just inches from his mouth.

  ‘How are you, gorgeous?’ she asked, not waiting for an answer.

  ‘Good, yes, good.’

  ‘She’s through in the kitchen, miserable cow that she is,’ Beverley continued.

  As Derek was led through, he caught sight of Felicity hunched over a coffee at the kitchen table.

  ‘Happy Birthday!’ he squawked, presenting her with the flowers.

  Felicity smiled weakly before thanking Derek and getting up to look for a vase.

  Beverley entered not long after.

  ‘Oh, what lovely flowers, Derek, anyone would think it was her birthday.’

  ‘It is,’ Felicity responded grumpily.

  ‘What, dear?’ Beverley replied.

  ‘It is...it is my fucking birthday,’ Felicity retorted forcefully, taking Derek by the hand. ‘Come on, Derek, we’re leaving.’

  ‘Why didn’t you tell me, darling?’ Beverley asked, genuinely confused.

  Felicity didn’t want to dignify this with an answer, so instead she let the tears build up and dragged Derek from the kitchen. Derek was reluctant and thought it best that Felicity had time to talk to her mum. Felicity, however, was keen to get away as quickly as possible.

  ‘Sweetheart, I’m sorry. You should have reminded me.’

  Felicity stopped and swung around.

  ‘I shouldn’t have to, Mum.’

  Whilst Felicity dragged Derek from the house, Beverley could be heard in the distance shouting, ‘Darling, I’m sorry! I’m sorry!’

  But they were already gone. So Beverley sat back down with her gin and tonic and set about reading her ‘Take a Break’ magazine.

  ‘You should’ve spoken to her,’ Derek said, deeply concerned.

  ‘Trust me, Derek, she’s not worth it.’

  ‘Maybe not, but she’s still your mum. I’m sure she didn’t mean it. She loves you, Felicity, don’t forget that. Sometimes you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone, really you don’t,’ he added, flinching.

  ‘That’s your mum, this is my mum. It’s completely different. Anyway, it’s my birthday, so can we talk about something a bit nicer please. Where are we going?’

  ‘Out for some lunch,’ Derek replied secretively.

  ‘I know that. But where are you taking me?’ Felicity pressed.

  ‘You’ll have to wait and see,’ he smiled naughtily,

  Felicity started flicking her finger nails as Derek silently drove. He was busy running the order of events through his head and was consumed imagining what her reaction would be. He was heading east, towards the sea, where he had plans to take her to a beautiful sea front restaurant just twenty-five minutes from Crackerley. Derek had often seen the restaurant on his drives but he had never had an excuse to go. Felicity’s birthday was a fantastic reason and he was sure that at some point he would also take Janka.

  ‘How’s your girlfriend?’ Felicity joked, trying to sound supportive, but dead set against Janka and her transparent capabilities.

  ‘She’s lovely,’ Derek replied happily.

  He adored her. She was beautiful and sweet and everything that she did she did for Derek. Or at least that’s what he thought.

  ‘So she’s your girlfriend now, is she?’

  Derek smiled coyly, ‘Yes...yes I think she is.’

  ‘If she hurts you...’

  ‘She’s not going to hurt me.’

  ‘If she does, I’ll kill her, you do know that?’ Felicity demanded.

  ‘Felicity, she really is a lovely girl,’ Derek said, trying to reason with her.

  ‘That may be. But I don’t trust her, Derek. So be careful, okay?
That’s all I ask.’

  ‘Okay, okay. It’s not like we’re getting married or anything!’

  But no sooner had he said the words, the visual picture of Janka in a wedding dress and slutty wedding hosiery sprung to mind. She was his dream woman and he couldn’t believe his luck.

  Derek pulled into a car-park just yards from the restaurant and a big grin spread over Felicity’s face.

  ‘Where are we?’ she asked, excitedly.

  ‘Patience, Felicity,’ Derek tutted. ‘You’ll have to wait and see.

  ‘Am I dressed smart enough?’ she began to panic.

  ‘You look beautiful,’ he replied getting out of the car. ‘Are you coming?’ he continued, calling her like a dog.

  Felicity bounded out of the car, linked her arm through Derek’s and then proceeded to look around in awe and intrigue. Derek pinched her arm gently to get her attention.

  ‘You’re going to love it,’ he said leading her into the glass fronted, lady-covered-piano type restaurant.

  ‘Good afternoon, sir,’ a penguined-up gent greeted from behind the counter.

  ‘Uh...I have a table booked in the name of...uh... Stone,’ Derek mumbled.

  ‘Ah, yes, sir. Come right this way.’

  Felicity did a little hop, skip and jump with all the excitement, before being led to a waterfront table, decorated with fine white linen that looked as if it had been ironed for hours, glass that was so clean that it shone like diamonds and the kind of cutlery that made you want to smuggle it away in your handbag. As soon as the waiter had left, Felicity’s tongue went into overdrive.

  ‘Oh my God, Derek, this is amazing! I can’t believe how gorgeous this is. And posh! So, so posh! I feel so underdressed. How are you affording this? You’re not gonna make me wash any dishes after, are you?’

  ‘I wouldn’t worry about that,’ he said sneakily.

  He was glad now that he hadn’t revealed to anyone about the extra money from his grandmother. It gave him a lot more license to thrill.

  Felicity started flicking through the wine menu.

  ‘Are we going to get wine?’ she asked, implying that this was what she wanted.