Christmas Jack-o'-Lantern

by Subhajit Waugh

  “Say ‘Dark Christmas world’, my friend” Jack corrected him, “Because it is the cash-cow; the creamy layer; the most lucrative world. Their coffers are so overflowing that liquid cash flow like torrential stream there. Devil is well aware of this fact; if we fail to grab it then Devil will”.

  “We need lots of money to raise our own Halloween army” Jack continued “Besides, there is so much darkness in both the worlds that it is futile to distinguish them as black and white worlds. Rather think of them as tangled worlds, both with different shades of gray”.

  “Is there no way to raise our Halloween army without coveting Christmas wealth?” Barbarossa said.

  “There was a time when millions of dark creatures would have volunteered their service on my mere wish” Jack lamented “But by constant propaganda and fear tactics, Devil has distanced many volunteers. Which leaves mostly mercenaries” Jack sighed “what else apart from wealth, will mercenary dark creatures enlist for?” Jack said.

  “Doesn’t your conscience protest?” Barbarossa asked.

  “Come on! There is a bright side too” Jack said “Many sinners of hell and prisoners from Devil’s labor camps will get partial freedom by this parole. I have seen their miserable condition while I was lodged in prison camp for three days during training period”.

  Barbarossa remained silent. His eyes and his look on his face indicated that he deeply resented sinners and criminals breaking loose and roaming free on parole.

  Jack stared hard at Barbarossa and asked, “Have you ever seen a small child, starving after a full day’s hard labor, being flogged mercilessly for rushing to the food counter? That happened in Devil’s labor camp run by Krampus” Jack said “And by the way, ‘Fouettard’ and ‘Pere Noel’ and Krampus are all renowned and beloved Christmas figures,” Jack added sarcastically.

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  Chapter 22

  Appointment of Koschei and Belsnickel

  Jack heeded Devil’s advice about secrecy. He was smart enough not to utter a word about raising a similar strike & espionage unit for Santa Claus, when he met the sly Russian witch Baba Yaga.

  “Are you absolutely sure, you want Koschei to manage the army for Ded Moroz?” Jack said to Baba Yaga, “My first impression about Koschei was very depressing. Frankly speaking, he is an evil looking, senile person, half naked in his loincloth. His very looks repulsed me: skeletal appearance, ugly face and long white beard and hairs”.

  “Hah! What do you know about him?” Baba Yaga reacted sharply “he is a tough Russian guy of Cossack and Georgian origin, who can’t be killed by any conventional method. Evil, yes, but perfectly suitable! You can’t field an honest milksop against ruthless Santa Claus! A unit of Devilish army, with Koschei as its head-what else does Ded Moroz need?”

  Baba Yaga’s choice was absolutely clear. That settled the matter.

  “Well then, I’ll appoint him” Jack said in a resigned tone.

  What remained for Jack to decide was who should head the Devilish army for Santa Claus.

  After several days of brainstorming over appointing a suitable candidate for heading the Devilish army for Santa, Jack’s choice narrowed down between Belsnickel and Ruprecht.

  Santa Claus had brought up ‘Knecht Ruprecht’ from a farm boy. By his sheer merit, Ruprecht had risen up the ladders of success to become the supervisor, then manager of the secret ‘polar factory’and then chief secretary-cum-manager of entire empire of Santa. Ruprecht definitely was very close to Santa, enjoyed his confidence, and was even a future candidate for Director of Board of Trustees for the proposed ‘Santa & Mary Claus Memorial Trust’. But there were other things to consider. Most important of them being, to whose side Ruprecht’s true loyalty shall tilt: towards Jack, or towards Santa Claus?

  Belsnickel was Pennsylvanian Dutch, who had migrated to America from Saarland region of Rhine valley in Germany. He spoke in fluent American accent. He had an inborn ability to convince people, like a talented salesman. He could pinpoint anybody’s weakness in a moment and capture his or her heart. Surely he will be able to convince Mr. Santa Jack concluded. Besides, he is noted for his secrecy in his personal life-a suitable candidate for heading a secret Devilish army.

  It was a tough decision for Jack; one that could make or wreck his career and his plans.

  Finally, Jack decided that Belsnickel was the right person for the job.

  * * *

  Two days later, Belsnickel met Mr. Santa Claus, with a firm goal in his mind to deploy the Devilish army under Santa Claus, secretly, and at Mr. Santa’s expense.

  Belsnickel introduced himself. “Sir, I am a great fan of yours. I am such a devoted admirer of yours, that people have nicknamed me as ‘Fur Clad Santa’. At present, I am writing a biography about you. You see…I forgot to mention that I do a little bit of writings sometimes…as a hobby”. Belsnickel blushed. “I wish to have a few interviews with you, occasionally, for the biography”.

  After exchanging pleasantries, Belsnickel spoke in a nostalgic tone “I remember the good old days, when as a youth, I migrated to this new continent from Europe. That was soon after the Pilgrim Fathers had set foot here. I loved this new land: A land of abundance and promise of greener pasture”.

  Those magical opening words seemed to create resonance in Mr. Santa’s heart. Quite visibly, he became excited and nostalgic too.

  Santa Claus closed his eyes, took a deep breath and spoke in a rather shrill voice “I had also migrated roughly at the same time, and landed in the Dutch colony of New Amsterdam. I remember all those things as if it happened yesterday. Indeed it was a dreamland of opportunities; a land of milk and honey, lavishness and luxury. Look, how plump and fat bellied I have become! I wish, my cousin Sinterklaas had agreed to come here too!”

  Belsnickel began his interview.

  “How does it feel like, entering through chimneys secretly, at the dead of the night? And…” Belsnickel lowered his tone “Did you ever get the opportunity of sleeping with another lady, during your nocturnal campaigns?”

  “What sort of question is this?” Santa shot back, blushed, and tried to display his anger.

  “Oops! Sorry” Belsnickel replied “But it’s the sort of things people desire to see in a biography”

  Santa Claus frowned, cleared his throat, ignored Belsnickel’s justification and picked up his earlier thread “I enjoyed the local customs and traditions and soon shred my bishop’s robes and green coat in favor of trousers, red coat, black leather belts and boots”.

  Belsnickel was hardly paying any attention to Santa’s words, as he scribbled in his diary. His eyes were dancing around, searching for something, making minute observation of small details around.

  Belsnickel took out a pen and diary and scribbled something. Then he asked, “How did you become so popular?”

  “I didn’t become so popular till lately” Santa said “I picked up a number of good friends and fans-Thomas Nast and Clement Moore among others. I was lucky enough to get constant, prime time advertisements, by Coca Cola Company and White Rock Beverages Company. They soon made me popular through films and songs, radio and television, and the NORAD tracker. Even in my wildest dreams, I couldn’t imagine at that time that I shall become so popular!”

  Mrs. Santa Claus entered the room, carrying a large porcelain tray with three cups of coffee, cream cracker biscuits, Eccles and Bakewell tart cakes and pastries. “I have baked these cakes and pastries myself” she announced proudly and placed the tray on the table. Then she addressed her husband with a smile "Oh honey! You have told these stories dozens of times".

  She addressed Belsnickel "I'm afraid you might be getting bored” she continued with an apologetic tone “Whenever he gets a chance, he catches hold of one of his guest and start narrating those things like a parrot".

  "But I find all these really interesting!" Belsnickel remarked at once.

  On hearing this, Mr. Santa Claus looked grateful.

  Belsnickel glanced at him
with contempt, as if saying ‘great fool’!

  Belsnickel observed Mrs. Santa minutely. She hadn’t forgotten to apply lipstick even at her age. Besides, her shoes and expensive gown, and even her hair-pin were of matching colors!

  Next instant, Belsnickel’s and Mrs. Santa’s eyes met. Belsnickel changed the expression on his face from contempt to an admiring one in an instant. “What a lovely, gorgeous dress!” Belsnickel said “Finest satin, I suppose?”

  Mrs. Santa looked impressed, almost magically, while Mr. Santa Claus looked embarrassed.

  Turning to Mr. Santa Claus, Belsnickel commented, “I heard that you were planning to form a ‘Santa and Mary Claus Memorial Trust’?”

  Mr. Santa Claus fell silent, while Mrs. Santa burst out with excitement “I have urged him so many times to hasten up the process, but he won’t listen”. Getting no response from her husband, she picked up a hand mirror and looking at it, she started combing her hair, grumpily.

  All of a sudden, she decided that the comb was not a suitable tool for adjusting her hair, but might be used as a slingshot. She hurled her heavy comb at Mr. Santa, narrowly missing his forehead.

  Mr. Santa Claus grinded his teeth, frowned hard, and gestured at the plate. Belsnickel obliged by picking up a cake and nibbling silently. Mr. Santa fell silent too. Both seemed to be searching for some suitable topic for restarting their conversation, without risking providing fuel to Mrs. Santa’s fiery anger; some ice-cold topic perhaps.

  “During summer, I visited the North Pole for safer ice-skiing” Mr. Santa narrated his icy-cool experience “the floating ice sheets are thicker there and don’t break easily” Mr. Santa finally broke the ice after the eerie silence “it was there that I met the ‘shaman Eskimos’ and saw their igloos and magical flying reindeers, and the snow elves from Greenland and Iceland”

  Mr. Santa sipped at his coffee and resumed “I decided to set up a workshop near the North Pole and-” Mr. Santa almost jumped up at the crashing noise and his wife’s shriek.

  Belsnickel looked at the shattered glass pieces on the floor, and watched Mrs. Santa wailing and screaming “Oh my God! The mirror slipped from my hand. It means seven years of bad luck! Oh my-”

  Mr. Santa tried to calm her “All nonsense! It was an accident-that’s all! Now don’t be superstitious!”

  Mrs. Santa started wailing with double intensity "Our house must be under the influence of some evil spirit. Day before yesterday, a black cat crossed my path. And on top of that, now... oh my God! I am sure something terrible is going to happen.”

  Mr. Santa saw the suppressed smile on Belsnickel’s face. Growing red on the face, Mr. Santa scolded his wife “Now don’t make a scene in front of our guest. For heaven’s sake!”

  “Me making a scene?!” she turned at stunned Belsnickel and screamed “Did you hear that?!” The decibel in her voice started rising further “I have been listening to all those nonsense bullshits, and his senile whining, keeping my mouth tight shut. All these long years, I have remained quiet as a lamb and dumb as a doornail. Now he is blaming me of making a scene!”

  “Dumb as a doornail?!” Mr. Santa somehow managed to control his temper and speak with a mocking tone “Oh, how I wish I had been as deaf as the head of the complaint department”.

  “Listen! Listen!” she screamed at paralyzed Belsnickel “I suppose you support his justification that Christmas gifts must be delivered at the dead of the night! Am I a fool that I can’t guess his real intention of leaving his most beautiful wife at night?” she started shedding big drops of tears “You hungry males are all the same. You feel proud of making a fool of your wives and to sacrilege the sacred marriage vow!”

  “Marriage vow! Wow!!” Mr. Santa Claus burst out “and how about secretly paying a visit to Sinterklaas? And what about winking and trying to attract Ded Moroz at the party, while you are still married to me?”

  “You distrust your own noble cousin Sinterklaas!” Mrs. Santa thumped her high-heeled shoes screamed “And how dare you insult me in front of our guest?”

  Mr. Santa’s effort to calm her down went in vain.

  Belsnickel saw drops of sweat appearing on Mr. Santa’s forehead. Mr. Santa took out a pillbox and swallowed a tablet.

  Sensing more trouble, Belsnickel said politely "I shall visit again some other day and shall be glad to listen to the rest of the story" and bade them farewell hurriedly.

  On reaching his office, Belsnickel took out another diary from the drawer and started noting down:

  1) Mr. Santa Claus is a nostalgic old man who gets carried away too soon. I suspect, he might be a heart patient.

  2) Mrs. Santa is extravagantly stylish and superstitious lady.

  3) Mr. Santa loves Mrs. Santa too dearly despite all henpecking. He might do anything for her.

  4) And what’s all this stuff about Mrs. Santa visiting Sinterklaas without informing her husband? I must find about this unsettled issue and about Moroz’s past affair with Mrs. Santa.

  * * *

  Belsnickel was determined to complete his assigned task of deploying the Devilish unit under Mr. Santa Claus, without Mr. Santa’s detailed knowledge, and at Santa’s expense.

  After several friendly visits to Mr. Santa Claus, several provocative interviews, and successful attempts to impress Mrs. Santa, Mr. Belsnickel sensed opportunity.

  On that particular occasion, Belsnickel found Mr. Santa looking very restless. Mr. Santa was repeatedly wiping the sweat drops on his forehead and examining the pulse on his wrist every now and then.

  In presence of Mrs. Santa, Belsnickel said to Mr. Santa “I am aware of the great load in your mind. I have come up with a proposal to reduce your mental burden”.

  “What’s that?” Santa Claus blurted.

  Taking cue from the wrinkles on Mr. Santa’s forehead and the shadows of worry on Santa’s face, Belsnickel decided to go for a direct strike. “Frequent strikes among your worker elves, repeated closure of your workshops and your mounting problems are not chance incidents” Belsnickel said “But they are all generated by your Russian arch-rival Ded Moroz as a part of well calculated, cold-blooded, nefarious tactic”.

  Mr. Santa gave a serious look. “What is your suggestion?” Mr. Santa said with a tone, which clearly revealed that Belsnickel has stirred up his hidden fears, or at least correctly diagnosed Santa’s mental burden.

  Belsnickel evaded a direct reply, but chose to elaborate “In fact Ded Moroz plans to throw you out of business and snatch away your crown of the Christmas world”.

  “If you can’t offer a solution” Mr. Santa said “Then don’t point at the tip of my heap of problems”.

  “Form a ‘Santa & Mary Claus Memorial’ charity trust, having a counter-strike arm as well” Belsnickel said, “It will serve triple objectives”.

  “Which three problems will it solve?” Santa said.

  “Firstly, it will look after your business of gift distributions and Christmas donations, which madam earnestly desires” Belsnickel said “secondly, it’ll manage your immense wealth and maintain your grip over the Christmas empire”.

  Belsnickel paused to assess the impact and continued “and thirdly, it will actively resist the malicious activities of Ded Moroz, which is of utmost importance under the present circumstances”.

  “How will a charity trust help me maintain my grip over Christmas world and resist Ded Moroz’s nefarious activities?” Santa asked doubtfully.

  “As I already mentioned” Belsnickel offered his valuable advice ‘for this you’ll need intelligence & espionage unit under the banner of your charity trust”. He added hastily “A good person needs to be a strong person, and act evil sometimes, to ward off evil persons and continue his good deeds”.

  Mr. Santa Claus didn’t say anything, but was holding his chest, and looked confused and dizzy like a heart patient experiencing a sudden rise in blood pressure.

  “Don’t you think it will be a wise move to transfer a part of your wealth in the name of a c
harity trust” Belsnickel said “before the question of how you accumulated such unaccountably vast wealth starts picking up steam?”

  “Oh my God!” Santa Claus blurted in an alarmed tone. Avoiding eye-to-eye contact with Belsnickel, Santa turned to his wife. “Don’t worry darling” Mr. Santa said to his wife, as if it was her fears which he was trying to dismiss “I have spent so much on Christmas gift distributions” Santa Claus continued “that all those details are thing of the past”. Mr. Santa’s voice trembled, and his tone suggested that his mouth was drying up. “Those details are deep buried” Santa said, turned back to Belsnickel, and still avoiding eye contact; he asked “Don’t you think so Belsnickel?”

  “I am afraid, those dark secrets will arise from the grave to spook you sooner or later” Belsnickel replied bluntly “Sooner, I should say, rather than later”.

  “Easy money don’t last” Mrs. Santa said harshly to her deeply worried husband “this may be your last chance. Follow Belsnickel’s advices or else watch your fame and your wealth flowing in the sewage drain”.

  Belsnickel seized the opportunity and addressed Mrs. Santa “I had heard praises of your wisdom. Now I see for myself, you are wise as King Solomon”. He held Mrs. Santa’s palm. Pointing to the ‘heart line’, Belsnickel said “There it is-the Solomon’s line. It is the longest & most distinct I have ever seen, or I am ever likely to see”.

  Belsnickel turned blind to gasping Mr. Santa, and focused on extracting favor from Mrs. Santa “Though it is none of my business, nor I have any interest to from such a needful organization, something inside me is forcing me to offer my help to the most beautiful lady” he held Mrs. Santa’s palm, and kissed her fingers “I wished to help you build this proposed trust, but I am a poor man. I shall succeed only if your husband provides me with immense funds”.

  Noting Mrs. Santa’s momentary hesitation, Belsnickel said, “Don’t you agree to my suggestions, or don’t you trust me Madam? But remember: I can ensure that your name is inscribed on stone and forever remain associated with ‘Mary Claus Memorial’ charity trust”.

  In his enthusiastic attempt to convince Mrs. Santa, Belsnickel forgot to include her husband’s name with the proposed memorial trust. This omission seemed to excite Mrs. Santa’s interest more intensely.