Beyond the Pale

by Jennifer Millikin

  “You’re in luck,” I yell, walking down the porch steps and past Finn. “We stopped there earlier today.”

  Laine claps her hands together and bounces on her toes.

  I walk to the back of the car and open the trunk, grabbing both girls’ overnight bags. Lennon appears, reaching for two grocery bags.

  “How is he?” she asks under her breath.

  “He’s Finn. So, you know, an emotional asshole.”

  Lennon laughs softly. “He’s hurt, Brady.”

  I shrug, and the bags are heavy enough that it’s like doing shoulder shrugs with real weights.

  “Did you two pack anvils in these bags?”

  “Just clothes and armor in case you two started fighting and we needed protection.”

  I turn so we’re face to face. Lennon made a joke, but her face doesn’t look like she’s joking. She looks worried.

  “You know what we’re fighting over.” My tone is low and hard. My heart beats furiously in my chest. We’ve never talked about it like this before. If our friendship were an egg, my comment is the first tiny crack in its shell.

  “Yes,” she breathes the word. “I do.”

  “And what do you think about that?”

  She opens her mouth and closes it, then does the same thing once more. “I think—”

  “You two back here sharing secrets?” Finn appears behind Lennon. I’d been so immersed in our conversation I didn’t see him coming.

  “Nope.” The word shoots from Lennon’s mouth like a rocket. She turns around to face him, and now her back is to me. “We were chatting about how beautiful this place is.”

  Finn frowns down at her. “You’re a terrible liar.”

  “Finn Jeffries, don’t you call me a liar.”

  “Lying make you nervous, Lennon.” Finn looks pointedly down at one of her hands. She looks down too and lets out a little growl of frustration.

  Finn chuckles and tucks his hands in his pockets. “See you in the house, Miss L. I like your haircut, by the way.”

  He saunters away, and I watch Lennon stare after him. Stepping back, I nudge her aside and press the button to close the trunk.

  “What did I miss?” I ask.

  She looks at me with a question in her eyes. “Huh?”

  I nod at her hand, which is curled around the handle of the grocery bag. “Something about Finn and your hand?” It’s childish, but I feel left out.

  “Finn says I have a tell when I’m nervous. Two of my fingers rub together.” She lifts her arm, the paper bag rustling, and shows me what she means.

  I nod. “Got it.”

  So, I haven’t been left out after all. I just haven’t been paying close enough attention. Not like Finn has, apparently.

  “Come on.” Lennon elbows me lightly.

  She walks a foot in front of me. For the next fifteen seconds that we are alone, I study her. She has a steady, even gait, and her hair that once bounced around her back now stops at her shoulder blades. She climbs the stairs, giving me a great view of her backside. Today she’s wearing cut-offs, and her ass tips side to side as she climbs to the landing. I’m on the verge of telling her she has a mighty fine ass, but something inside me stops me. I hate that fucking inner voice, the one that says that’s something Finn would do, not me. As if we have our roles to play, and we can’t step outside them.

  We walk into the cabin, and any chance I had to compliment her in a way that would take her by surprise goes up in smoke.

  “I don’t think there’s anything better than cold fried chicken.” Finn leans back in his Adirondack chair and places one hand behind his head. After a day of hard manual labor, a few beers and greasy food has made him tired. He’s not the only one. It’s early in the evening, but I could go to sleep right now under this sky that’s still a dull blue. It was Lennon’s idea to eat outside.

  “I can think of a hundred other things that taste better,” Laine says, holding up the skin she peeled from her chicken. She jiggles it in the air, and I have to admit, seeing it like that makes it look less appealing than it did about ten minutes ago.

  Lennon laughs. “Laine is used to the finer things in life.”

  Laine nods. “And I’m not sorry about that either.”

  “If your car represents your life, I’d say you’re probably in a nice spot.” Finn’s eyes are closed, and he keeps them closed while he speaks.

  “It’s my parents who’ve made it nice. Not me.” Laine reaches down, grabbing a small stick from the ground and using it to draw squiggles in the dirt. “I’ve been driving Lennon’s car all week. It needs a key to open the door. And to start it.” She laughs quietly. “And I loved it.”

  “What?” Lennon’s mouth hangs open. “Seriously?”

  “It made me think. Where would I be without my parents? Without their support? Financially, I mean. What would I have done with my life if it had been up to me?” Laine shrugs, dropping her stick on the ground and looking up.

  “Your life is up to you, Laine. You can do anything.” Lennon leans forward, placing her hand on Laine’s knee. “We can move out of your apartment and into some shithole. We can share my car and you can do whatever it is you feel you missed out on doing.”

  “Lennon, I love you. You’re the best. And maybe I’ll take you up on that someday. But, to be honest, that idea scares the shit out of me.”

  The four of us laugh, even half-asleep Finn.

  Lennon looks out at the lake. “Before the sun goes down, I’m going for a swim. Anyone want to join me?”

  I try not to curl my lip. Swimming in lakes is one of my least favorite activities. “No thanks,” I say.

  Laine doesn’t attempt to hide her disgust at all. “Ew, no way. There’s bacteria, and god knows what else.”

  “Eels?” Lennon suggests, straight-faced.

  “Electric eels,” Finn adds.

  “With teeth,” Lennon says, a smile poking through.

  “Fangs,” Finn corrects her.

  Lennon brings her hands in the air between her and Laine. She curls her fingers and inches them closer to Laine. “Electric eels with fangs and grabby hands.”

  “Stop!” Laine’s shuddering and laughing. She smacks Lennon’s hands when they come closer.

  Lennon stands, laughing. “Suit yourself, you pansies.” She turns to me. “And for the record, I know you feel the same way as Laine, you’re just too nice to say it out loud.”

  “I…I…” I’m scrambling to come up with something, but I can’t. “You’re right.”

  Lennon pats my shoulder. “Don’t worry. If you jumped up and ran into the water, I’d pass out from shock.”

  She goes back into the cabin. Finn gets up and walks down the winding, narrow path to the dock. He peels off his shirt and jumps in.

  Fuck. Finn’s going to swim with her. I can’t change my mind now, or it will look obvious that I don’t want them swimming together.

  “Speak now or forever hold your peace.” Laine’s head lolls to the side and she looks at me.

  I don’t know what she’s talking about. “Did I miss something?”

  Laine points back at the house, then down to the lake. “Swimming in a lake with a sunset like that? Pretty romantic…” She sings-songs the word romantic.

  I scowl. “As if I need a reminder.”

  Behind us, the door to the house opens and closes. Lennon walks by, waving as she goes.

  “Enjoy the brain-eating amoebas,” Laine calls out.

  “Enjoy being boring,” Lennon shouts, not turning around.

  She’s wearing that same red bikini, the one that’s been imprinted in my mind since the first time she wore it in high school. She walks quickly to the dock, a gray bath towel slung over one shoulder. When she gets there, she deposits the towel on a nearby rock and calls out to Finn. He says something back, but I’m too far away to hear.

  Lennon takes off, running the length of the dock and tucking her knees up into her body as she goes sailing into the air. />
  “Did I just see Lennon Davies cannonball?” Laine’s voice is amazed.

  “Why does that surprise you?”

  Laine shakes her head slowly. “Back home she’s more serious. Maybe it’s her job. Maybe it’s being without you guys. She seems to come alive when she’s with you. You both bring something out in her. I’ve only been here for a couple days, but it was immediately apparent. Aside from the depressing reason we all came to Agua Mesa, obviously.”

  Ripping my gaze from the two people swimming farther out into the lake, I turn to Laine. She’s staring at me searchingly, like she’s trying to find lost gold behind my ears.

  “What?”

  “Sorry.” Laine clears her throat. “I didn't mean to stare. I was thinking about the three of you when you were younger. What it must’ve been like to grow up together. I’m an only child, and until I met Lennon, I never had anyone who felt more like a sister than a friend.”

  “It was good, mostly.” I look back out to the water, trying to find Lennon and Finn. I look from left to right, but I can’t locate them. I knew that was going to happen. From the cabin there are only about thirty yards of visible shoreline. If they swam left or right, it would only take a minute for them to be out of sight.

  Sighing, I bring my attention back to Laine and our conversation. “We had a lot of fun. We were together as much as possible, and sometimes even when we weren’t supposed to be. Finn could do whatever he wanted, his uncle didn’t really care. Not like my mom.” I pause to roll my eyes.

  “Which of you was first to fall in love with Lennon?” Laine’s directness surprises me, and it takes me a moment to recover.

  “Me. But Finn would probably tell you it was him. Honestly, I don’t know. We never had a conversation about it. Over time, it became clear we both wanted her. I don’t think Lennon knew for a while. She wasn’t very good at recognizing love.” My mouth arranges itself into a grim line as I think about her mother. Or her aunt, I guess.

  “Does she date?” The question just occurred to me and before I could even think about it for more than a second it came out of my mouth.

  “Sometimes,” Laine answers. She looks down, brushing something unseen to my eyes from the front of her shirt. “But not for very long. I’ve never seen any of her relationships go past four months.”

  My hand rubs the stubble on my jaw as I think about what Laine just said. To me, Lennon seems like she’d be more of a serial monogamist.

  “Let me save you from sitting there wondering why her relationships are so short.” Laine levels me with a serious look. “It’s hard to date when you’re in love with someone else.”

  “Lennon is in love with one of us?” Dear god, let it be me. Her face from last night pops into my head. She was standing there on my doorstep, her eyes wide with shock, a look of desperation on her face. She needed someone, and she came to me. I feel so fucking high right now, my heart might as well be a kite, soaring above the pine trees.

  “Whoa, whoa hang on.” Laine has her arms out as though she plans to physically stop me from something. “She loves both of you.”

  I shake my head, impatient. “I already know that. But who is she in love with?”

  Laine shrugs. “I don’t know. And neither does she.”

  I groan and slump down in my seat, my palm running the length of my face. “Finn and I talked about giving her an ultimatum. We want her to choose.”

  “She knows she’s going to have to choose. She knows it’s hurting you guys, and it kills her to hurt you.”

  I push my hair back from my forehead and rub my eyes. “You guys have obviously talked about this. What did you tell her?”

  “I think it will hit her out of nowhere. One second she’ll be confused, the next second, she’ll know.”

  I look out at the water. Still no sign of them. The sky is darker now, bruised with purple. In the distance, dark gray clouds gather above the treetops.

  I want to go inside, but there’s no way in hell I’m moving now. I’ll sit right here and wait. I’ve been waiting a long time, and I’ve become pretty good at it.

  24

  Now

  Swimming in a lake with Finn is a new experience, and it’s fun. He’s a strong swimmer, but so am I. Keeping up with him is easy.

  When I resurfaced after my dramatic jump into the lake, I found him laughing. Drops of water dripped from his hair, rolling down his face and sticking in his eyelashes.

  “You sure your bottoms are still on?” he’d teased.

  “Ha ha,” I replied, swimming out past him. It took less than a few seconds for him to catch-up, and he easily overtook me. At one point I turned around, looking back at the cabin. Brady and Laine looked like miniature versions of themselves. Right after that, Finn turned left and I followed, swimming parallel to the shore until I lost sight of the cabin.

  We’re still treading water, and I don’t know where we’re going, but I like it. I like the buoyancy of my body, the sunset above us and the muddy earth below us. I like the calls of birds I cannot identify, and the cacophony of insects slowly filling the air. Finn changes direction, swimming in closer to shore. He stops when he can stand, his head and shoulders above water. I can’t stand in that depth, so I swim in place. It’s not as fun or as easy as treading water.

  Finn must realize I can’t stand because he grabs me by my waist and pulls me in until I’m flush against his chest. My heart pounds at his sudden nearness. My arms wrap around his shoulders and I flutter my legs to stay in place, even though I probably don’t need to. Finn’s grip around my waist is tight.

  “Brady told me about your mom. Or aunt, I guess.”

  I sigh and shake my head, the tip of my nose bumping his chest. “Yeah.”

  “How do you feel?”

  “Weird. Relieved. Sad. Angry.”

  I feel Finn nod his head. His hand strokes my back.

  “Do you want to talk about it?” he asks.

  “No,” I say with certainty. I’ll talk about it once I’ve processed. For right now, I want to pretend it doesn’t exist.

  “Can we talk about something else?” Finn’s tone is impatient.

  Here we go. Finn has been waiting to ask me what the hell he walked into this morning, and now it’s time. He’ll be relieved to hear he walked in on nothing.

  “So, you kissed Brady last night?”

  I pull back to look at him. My face tenses in irritation.

  “What?” Finn makes a face. “He told me on the drive.”

  “I don’t think that’s any of your business.”

  “Well, then I guess it’s not Brady’s business to know that I’ve been kissing you since we were fifteen.”

  I try to shove off him, but he tightens his grip on my waist.

  “All is fair, Miss L.”

  “Hardly,” I spit out. I’m angry he told Brady about all his stolen kisses. “You did that because you were being spiteful.”

  He shakes his head. “Correction. I did that because I was jealous.”

  “Because you saw me leaving Brady’s pool house this morning?”

  “Yes. But you should know, I told him about kissing you after he told me you guys didn’t hook up.”

  “Finn! What was the point of telling him if you didn’t have any reason to get back at him?”

  “Because he had this look on his face, like he was so certain he won you. Telling him that I’ve been kissing you for years broke through his confidence. And you know he has enough confidence for two people.”

  “Did you make it seem like our kisses were passionate and life-altering?” I cross my arms in front of myself so that now Finn is holding up all my weight.

  He makes a face like he’s hurt. “Weren’t they?”

  I scoff. “Oh, please. You kissed me because it was fun. Because it was a way to get a rise out of me. You never kissed me like you meant it.”

  “Have you ever kissed somebody you weren’t sure wanted to be kissed by you?”

  I w
atch Finn’s lips form his words, thinking of how it was those lips who gave me my first kiss so long ago, and he never even knew it. “No.”

  “Stealing kisses from you was the only way I could do it without breaking the friend barrier we’d had set up for so long. What would’ve happened back then if I kissed you like I meant it?”

  His words, the soft undulations of the lake, the smell of earth and water, they all come together to overwhelm me. I unfold my arms and place them back around his shoulders.

  “What would happen if you kissed me like you meant it right now?”

  Finn’s mouth is on mine the second I finish asking my question. He takes his hands from my waist, only to slide them down and grab my thighs. He lifts me up, guiding my legs around his waist. Now his hands are free, and he uses them to slide up my back and over my shoulders, then down my arms.

  His tongue darts out, licking the seam my lips create. I open up for him, a low moan rising up from my throat. Our tongues meet, tasting, devouring. Finn pulls away to nip at my bottom lip. His hands wind up into my hair, and he pulls until my head’s tipped back, chin to the sky. He let’s go of my lip and focuses on my neck, trailing kisses across my collarbone. He comes to the soft skin where my shoulder meets my neck, and he bites down hard enough to make me gasp.

  His teeth release me, but he doesn’t move from the spot. He stays there, kissing and sucking gently on the injured flesh.

  “No hickeys,” I manage to say.

  “I’ll mark you,” he murmurs into my heated skin. “But not in a way that’s visible to others.” He kisses the spot one last time. He lets go of my hair and I look at him.

  He’s heartbreakingly gorgeous. His eyes are soft and dreamy, wanting.

  He leans his forehead against mine and kisses me again, this time painstakingly slowly, as if he’s squeezing every last drop from this moment. We separate to catch our breath, but his forehead remains propped against mine. My legs are still locked around his waist, keeping us together.

  “Tell me something I’ll never believe.” I’m searching for something to right the ship, to remind me of who I am. Now that I’m coming down from the high, I’m worried. Guilt is seeping in.