Beyond the Pale

by Jennifer Millikin

  He’s quiet for a moment, then says, “The sum of all roulette numbers is six hundred sixty-six.”

  I breathe a sigh of relief. I needed that. Needed grounding.

  “I know Brady didn’t kiss you like that.”

  I frown. “I’m not going to tell you what it was like to kiss Brady.”

  “I don’t need to be told. I know what kissing you felt like just now, and I know it can’t be topped. That was the best kiss of my life. So far, anyway. But I bet with practice, we could get better.” He pauses, brushing his lips across mine. “And better.”

  Thunder rumbles in the distance, a low and ominous sound. “We should get going.” As I say it, the wind picks up speed. The pine trees sway and goosebumps prick my flesh.

  “I’m not ready to let you go,” Finn whispers.

  I point to the gathering of dark clouds at the far edge of the lake.

  “I know. But that’s what’s coming.”

  I try to untangle my legs from around Finn’s waist, but he reaches down, ensnaring me once more. “Finn—”

  “I’ve been thinking about giving you an ultimatum.”

  I stare up at him. “Are you going to?”

  He gazes into my eyes for the longest time, then shakes his head slowly back and forth. “I don’t want you to choose because you’re forced. I want you to choose because your heart can’t take it anymore, because it’s about to explode from your chest if you don’t let it love the man it wants to love.”

  “I don’t want to hurt either of you.”

  “I don’t think you have much of a choice in the matter. One of us has heartbreak in our future. And in the meantime, we’re sitting on the sidelines watching you struggle.”

  “This situation isn’t easy, Finn.”

  “It’s not easy for any of us, Lennon.”

  The sky rumbles again, this time deeper.

  “Come on,” Finn says reluctantly.

  This time he lets me untwist myself from him. We swim side by side until we reach the small dock in front of his cabin. He pulls himself up first, then reaches down to help me.

  I grab my towel and use it quickly, handing it over to him. As he dries off, I look up at what he’s built. It’s amazing to think he created it and worked alongside a crew to construct it.

  “Your cabin is beautiful, Finn. I’m impressed.”

  “Thank you,” he says, pressing a hand to the small of my back. We start up the path. A few drops of rain fall on my shoulders. Before my haircut, I probably wouldn’t have felt them. Reaching up, I touch the ends of my hair. I still can’t believe I went through with it. It’s the most liberating thing I’ve ever done.

  “I’m going to move here full-time,” he says, pausing and looking up at the house. “My uncle’s going to move in. He’ll be here for what little time he has left. I can’t let him die in that trailer.”

  “Oh, Finn.” I grab him and pull him to me, overcome by his kindness for his uncle. “I think that’s beautiful.”

  “I think you’re beautiful. You and your shorter hair.”

  I smile and step back, opening my mouth to say something about working on his game, when I hear a throat clear. Turning, I see Brady walking toward us from the side of the house. Laine is beside him, looking equal parts sheepish and reluctant.

  “How was your swim?” Brady asks.

  “Good,” I answer, glancing up at the sky. “We got back just in time.” As I say it, a few more drops land on my upturned face.

  “Laine and I ran to the gas station for a pack of cards and the finest wine money can buy.”

  Beside him, Laine holds up a bottle of white wine by the neck. “Don’t worry, guys. This isn’t two-buck chuck. This is six-buck chuck. And there’s more where that came from.” She swings a plastic bag she holds in her other hand.

  “Sounds like we’re on track for a rowdy game of bullshit,” Finn says, climbing the steps and opening the door to the screened-in porch. He holds it open for Laine and me, and when Laine passes him, he informs her she need not worry about playing against me. “Lennon’s the worst at bullshit.”

  I make a face. “Not true!”

  “Bullshit,” he taunts.

  I stick out my tongue and Laine laughs.

  Finn and I get cleaned up and changed. Brady heats up the beef stew he and Finn picked up at the little grocery store on their way here. Finn doesn’t have a table yet, so we sit in a circle on the floor.

  Finn pours wine into four coffee mugs and passes them out. “It’s all I thought to buy,” he says, shrugging. “Hot coffee can’t go in a glass, but everything can go in a mug.”

  “Very smart.” I nod, spooning stew into my mouth.

  For a minute the only sounds are spoons scraping bowls and the plunk of a coffee cup hitting the floor.

  Brady’s the first to take a break from his dinner. “Okay, who’s ready to get their ass handed to them?”

  Finn snorts.

  Brady turns to Laine. “I’m the undisputed champ.”

  Finn snorts again, this time louder and more obnoxious-sounding.

  Brady ignores him. He grabs the deck of cards and slides them out. He rids the deck of the jokers and shuffles, then deals.

  “Youngest goes first,” Finn says, turning to me.

  I shake my head. “Not me.”

  Laine pulls a card and places it on the floor in the middle. “One ace.”

  Brady’s next. “Two twos.”

  Now me. “One three.” I place my card on top of Brady's.

  “Bullshit.”

  I glare at Finn. He grins that crooked grin. I swear if this was the Wild West, that man would be an outlaw.

  Frowning, I reach out and snatch the small pile on the ground. Finn tips his head back, laughing.

  “How did you know?” Laine asks.

  Finn shrugs. “I have a sixth sense when it comes to her.”

  Laine smiles and raises her eyebrows at me.

  “Anyway…” My free hand jostles Brady’s side. “It’s your turn.”

  “Four fours.” Brady lays down his cards and looks at Finn, waiting for his challenge.

  Finn drinks from his cup and looks to Laine. “Your go.”

  And the game goes on. Finn catches me bullshitting twice more.

  It irritates Brady. The second time, he lets out a short breath from his nose.

  Laine ends up winning, and she makes sure to rub it in Finn’s face.

  The second bottle of wine is opened, and Laine teaches us all a new game. It’s a longer one, and by the time Brady wins, we’re all taking turns yawning.

  Somewhere there’s a bed calling my name. But... wait. I didn’t see any beds when Finn gave us the tour earlier. Were there rooms he missed?

  “Finn, what are the sleeping arrangements tonight?”

  Finn looks up from gathering the cards and stacking them. “Sleeping bags. I haven’t ordered beds yet.”

  “There’s a bit of a problem with that.”

  Finn eyes me. “Too good for a sleeping bag?”

  I make a face. “No. I just didn’t happen to bring one with me. And neither did Laine.”

  “Fresh out of sleeping bags,” Laine yawns as she speaks.

  Brady and Finn’s eyes meet. It’s like they’re talking, and when Brady’s face hardens, it seems more like they’re shouting.

  “Well, what are we going to do?” I look from Brady to Finn.

  “You can sleep with me,” Finn offers.

  Brady laughs, but it’s an empty, unhappy sound. “I’m sure she can.”

  “Should I offer for her to sleep with you?” Finn raises his hands, as if he’s giving something to Brady. “Serve her up to you on a silver platter? It’ll match that spoon you were born with.”

  “There’s that chip we’re all so used to seeing on your shoulder. For a moment I thought eight years time had done away with it, but I guess not.”

  “Guys,” I warn, but my voice doesn’t break through the frustration bursting fr
om both of them.

  Finn scoffs. “Says the guy who never had to work for anything in his life. You think Lennon should be yours because everything has always been yours. You think—”

  “Fuck you, Finn. You don’t know what I think.”

  “Why don’t you tell us? Why don’t you drop that perfect boy persona for two seconds and tell us how you really feel about things? Tell Lennon how it makes you feel to watch her with me. I’ve already told her, because I’m not busy managing my image. I don’t care if she’s mad at me. I’m not afraid she’ll choose you if I make her mad.”

  Brady finally looks my way. His eyes are untamed, angry, and frightened. “This is fucking stupid,” he mutters. In three long strides he’s out the door, slamming it shut behind him.

  I hurry to the door, and behind me, Finn says, “It’s raining out there. Just let him be.”

  But I can’t. I can’t stand knowing I’m the reason for their fight. This is getting to be too much. Either way, I’m going to lose.

  Ignoring Finn, I hurry from the house. It’s dark outside. The rain pelts my face.

  “Brady!” I yell his name and walk further from the protection of the house. “Brady!”

  “Go inside, Lennon.”

  Brady’s voice comes from the spot where we ate lunch. I get closer, each second his shape becoming more and more visible.

  “What are you doing?” I ask when I reach him.

  “I need some air.”

  “In the rain?”

  He looks away. I grab his hand, but he pulls it back.

  “Go, Lennon. I know it’s Finn. He’s the right choice. Just go.”

  “No.” I shake my head stubbornly.

  My T-shirt sticks to my skin, I taste rainwater, and my teeth chatter. And yet, I can’t pull myself away from him.

  Brady watches me, his lips forming a thin line.

  “What do you want, Lennon?”

  “Tell me what makes you mad, Brady. Tell me something.”

  Brady’s lips move, as though they’ve made the decision before his brain has.

  He stands up and grabs me, his hands on my upper arms. “I hate doing this with you. Part of me wants you to be my normal best friend so that things will never change and I’ll never have to risk losing you. The other part of me wants to shake you and make you see that I’m the right choice. The only choice.” His eyes widen as the words flow. “After all these years, Lennon, how could you love anybody besides me? It hurts, Lennon. It hurts so fucking bad. Every time I see you with him, it kills me. We’re not kids anymore. We’re adults, and that has to mean something. We can’t play these games. There is no more dancing around the situation because we still live with our parents, or because college is in our future. We’re in the real world now. There are no more roadblocks. There’s only me”—he extends one arm all the way out, and the second arm in the opposite direction—“and him.” His hands come back to my shoulders. “And there’s you in the middle, where you’ve always been. I know it’s safe in the middle. That’s where you get love from both of us. And love is not what you’ve had enough of in your life. But dammit, Lennon, that can’t be your crutch anymore. You’ve got to choose.”

  I can’t tell if it’s tears or rain dripping down my cheeks. He’s right. But how can I choose? How can I look one of them in the eye and tell them it’s the other one?

  “I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I’m not ready. I love you both so much.”

  “Soon, Lennon.” Brady’s voice is rough.

  I nod, but my agreement is weak. I can’t fathom choosing between them.

  Brady stares at me though the rain. “Laine is right.”

  “About what?”

  “It’s going to happen in a split-second. One moment, you’ll suddenly know. It’ll be like a light turning on.”

  I capture my lower lip between my teeth, biting down. I can’t imagine how Laine could be right. All these years, distilled into one second?

  “Hey!” Finn’s voice sounds faint in the wind and rain. “Are you two just about done? We figured out the sleeping arrangement.” He looks at us for all of two seconds and goes back inside.

  “Come on,” Brady says, slipping an arm over my shoulders. “I hope you have some clothes to change into.”

  “I brought a change of clothes for tomorrow. I can sleep in those.”

  We get to the house and Brady holds open the door for me. I step inside and Laine greets us both with the towels.

  “Finn figured it out,” she says, pointing behind her. Two sleeping bags lie near each other.

  I’m confused, but I don’t feel like challenging her. “Uh... okay?”

  She rubs my shoulders through the towel. “I hope you feel like spooning, because you and I are in one.” She glances at Brady. “And you have the other.”

  “Where’s Finn sleeping?” Brady and I ask in unison.

  Laine steps away from me. “He’s sleeping in his truck cab. He’s already out there, and he said not to let either one of you go out there and argue with him. He told me I could use brute force if need be.”

  I know she’s trying to make a joke, but it doesn’t make me feel better.

  I change and crawl into the sleeping bag with Laine. I settle in and look over. Brady’s in his sleeping bag, gaze on me. His eyes are heavy with emotion, reflecting my own.

  Finn probably made the best choice, but we both wish he was inside with us.

  25

  Now

  “Good morning,” a deep voice says behind me. I twist my upper body as much as I can; I’m sitting on the end of the dock, my feet disappearing beneath the smooth surface of the lake.

  Brady’s walking down the dock, holding two coffee cups in his hands. He looks handsome in his pajama pants and gray T-shirt. He settles beside me, legs criss-crossed in front of him, and offers me a cup.

  I make a sick face. “Please tell me that’s not wine.”

  Brady laughs quietly.

  My hands slip around the cup, its warmth seeping through. I bring it to my nose, breathing in the coffee’s bitter, acidic aroma.

  “Headache?” Brady scoots back, unfolding his legs and stretching them out in front of himself.

  “A little, yeah.” My right foot comes out of the water, and I trace a pattern on the surface with a pointed toe.

  A bird calls from a nearby tree then launches itself from its perch. Brady and I watch it, a sleek black arrow in the air, and it skims the surface of the lake, talons down, and lifts off the water with a wriggling fish in its grip.

  “Game over,” I murmur. “Poor fish.”

  “Birds have to eat too.”

  “I suppose.”

  Brady sips his coffee. “What are your plans now that the funeral is over?”

  I take a deep breath and blow it out. “Salvation Army comes tomorrow. I’ll get a realtor. I need to figure out what my mom owes on the house. She has a safe deposit box I need to go through. I’ll go to the bank and figure out her accounts.”

  “She left you everything?”

  “That’s what her letter said.”

  “Are you going to buy a push-to-start car?” Brady smiles as he says it.

  I laugh. “Maybe. I’m not getting my hopes up though. The accounts might be empty, she could’ve taken out a second mortgage on the house, and for all I know the safe deposit box might have a blank piece of paper in it.”

  “So you’re looking on the bright side of things?”

  Brady’s sarcasm makes me smile.

  Footsteps on the dock draw my attention from Brady. I twist again and watch Finn as he makes his way toward us. He’s carrying his own steaming mug and his clothes are rumpled. He sinks down on the other side of Brady.

  “Nice morning,” he comments, running a hand through his messy hair. “This is my favorite time of day here.”

  “I bet that fish would disagree.” Pulling my feet up from the water, I shake them off and bring them up onto the dock, turning so I can face the guys.
>
  Brady chuckles. “Would have disagreed. Past tense.”

  Finn sips his coffee and looks out. For someone who slept in his truck, he looks well-rested. The hazy morning sun glints off his blonde hair.

  He screws up one eye against the sun’s glare and looks at me. “What are your plans now, Lennon? You did what you came to Agua Mesa to do, right?”

  I glance at Brady. “Brady and I were just talking about that. I have some loose ends to tie up. I imagine it will take at least a week. And then I’ll have to come back to sign paperwork for the sale of the house.”

  “And then?” Finn asks.

  “I’m not sure. It sort of depends on what I find at the bank.” If there’s no money to be found in her accounts, I’m in the same place I’ve always been in. And if there’s money, it’s hard to know what I’ll do. Maybe try and spend time finding something I’m passionate about. Something that sets my soul on fire.

  Brady nudges me. “Let me know if you need a lawyer.”

  “Don’t take offense to this, but I really hope I don’t need one. It’d be nice if everything with the sale of the house and her bank accounts are cut and dry.”

  Brady lifts his mug. “Here’s hoping.”

  Finn and I raise our cups. “What about you?” I ask Finn.

  Finn glances around. “This is it. For now, anyhow. I have some ideas, but I’ll work on them when I feel like it. I’m waiting on a couple patents, but otherwise”—he lifts his shoulders and drops them—“this is where you can find me.”

  Brady draws his legs into his body and rests his forearms on his knees, coffee cup in hand. “Finn, tell us the truth about your job.”

  Finn gazes out at the lake. “I had a government contract, and the contract ended.”

  My lips twist disapprovingly. “So you weren’t fired?”

  Finn shakes his head. “Not exactly. But I’m not at liberty to talk about my contract, so don’t ask.”

  My fisted hand shoots into the air, celebrating. “I was right,” I shout.

  Brady and Finn laugh.

  “And I really had two failed start-ups. I wasn’t lying about that.” Finn shrugs.