Beyond the Pale

by Jennifer Millikin

  “So you’re only, like, a half-liar?” I smile at Finn over the edge of my coffee cup.

  He laughs out a breath from his nose, shaking his head at my made up word.

  “And you?” I ask Brady. “Going back to Chicago?”

  “Pretty soon, I guess. My colleagues are probably ready to hand my cases back over to me.”

  “I’m sorry I used up all your vacation time.” I feel bad.

  Brady winks. “Not all of it. Besides, it was worth it. You needed me and that was the end of it.”

  Tears prick my eyes. It’s so unexpected I don’t have time to fight them.

  “I’m so lucky, you guys. I’d be lucky to have one best friend like you, but to have two? I don’t know how it happened, but I’m grateful for you both. My whole life you’ve been keeping me afloat. You’ve given me things I didn’t think I deserved, and I don’t know how I could ever say thank you enough. I hope you both know how much I love you.”

  Finn’s lips turn down. “Why do I get the feeling you’re breaking up with us?”

  I take a deep breath, and this is when the tears flow down my cheeks like a river. “Because I am, in a way. I can’t choose, and this isn’t fair to either of you. So, this is me telling you it’s okay for you to move on. I want you two to have the kind of friendship you’d have if I wasn’t in the picture. You deserve that. I can’t come between you.”

  Finn groans. “Lennon, don’t be dumb.”

  “Yeah, Lennon. Don’t be dumb.” Brady frowns at me. “We’re adults. We’re allowing this competition to happen. You don’t see either of us bowing out. Nobody here is going to martyr themselves, including you. I’m fighting for your heart because I want to.”

  “What happens when you go back to Chicago? Or when I go back to Dallas?”

  “Hopefully soon I’ll be on the end of a phone call from you, breathlessly telling me you’ve come to your senses and realized you’re in love with me.” Brady grins and glances at Finn.

  Finn flips him off.

  I feel like flipping off my heart. Or is it my mind? Which one is making this so much harder than it has to be?

  The porch door smacks closed and Laine stomps across the pine straw and rocks, coming to a stop at the far end of the dock. Her hair is matted on one side. In her hand is a half-eaten blueberry muffin.

  “Y’all, I’m not even kidding. Hands down, the best thing that’s ever touched my lips.” She takes another bite and licks a crumb from the corner of her mouth.

  “I hope you left some for the rest of us,” I call out, one hand cupped around my mouth.

  She shrugs noncommittally and saunters back up to the house.

  “If we want breakfast, we’d better get in there.” I stand and look back down at Brady and Finn. “I’m not kidding.”

  Brady glances at Finn and back to me. “We’ll be there in a minute. Save us some?”

  “O-kay,” I draw out the word. I walk down the dock, trying to make my footfalls light so I can hear what they’re saying. It’s useless. If words are being exchanged while I’m still here, they’re being whispered. I make it to the porch and pause, looking back. Brady’s looking at Finn, and his mouth is moving. Finn gazes out across the water, then shakes his head slightly and turns back to Brady. Finn’s the one talking now, and his hands move while he speaks.

  I walk in the door and find Laine rolling up our sleeping bag. She glances up at me, then back down to the bag she wrestles between her knees. Sinking down, I hold it in place so she can tie the attached strings that keep it rolled up.

  “They’re out there talking,” I tell her, a nervous tremor in my voice.

  “Oh, to be a fly on the wall... or, pine tree, I guess.”

  I bite my lip and glance outside. I can’t see anything from here except the tops of the trees.

  Laine stands and reaches down, pulling me up. “Let’s be good houseguests and tidy up. We need to get going soon. I have a plane to catch.”

  Brady and Finn are only outside for a few minutes. I’ve been peeking at them while I’ve been tidying, and the only notable thing I saw was a handshake just before they reached the house. Now they’re acting perfectly normal, so I’m playing detective and attempting to suss out any micro-expressions.

  Too bad I’m screwed. These two aren’t giving away anything.

  Laine puts both our bags in the back of her car and returns to say goodbye. She hugs Brady first, then Finn. “Thanks for having me. It was very... interesting.” She glances from Finn to Brady and back again, a smile on her face. “You guys have a unique situation happening here, but I’m sure one way or the other everything will go the way it’s meant to.”

  Laine climbs in her car and grabs her phone. She’s probably searching for a podcast to listen to on the drive.

  I look at the guys. “I’ll see you guys back home. Maybe we can get dinner tonight?”

  Brady shakes his head, and Finn says, “No, Lennon.”

  Confusion knits my eyebrows together.

  “That’s what we were talking about out there,” Brady points backward with his thumb. “We don’t mind the competition. We’ve been fighting one another for exclusive rights to your heart since we were twelve. But now, instead of fighting for you loudly and openly, we’re both stepping back and giving you space. Plus, it fucking sucks to be with you while the other one is there too. When I’m with you, I want all of you. Finn said the same.”

  I look to Finn. His eyes are on me, and he nods solemnly.

  “Okay,” I whisper. They’re right, as much as it hurts to admit it. I hug them each quickly, then open the car door. “See you... soon.” I muster a brave smile, then climb in. Laine puts the car in drive, waving one more time as she turns the wheel and we drive back down the dirt driveway.

  “How’d that go?” she asks. Her eyes inspect my face as she makes the turn onto the next road.

  “They don’t want to be together as the three of us.” Tears prick my eyes. Not being the three of us seems inconceivable. I can barely remember a time when it wasn’t the three of us against the world. Are we still beyond the pale? I sniff and rub my eyes. “This is what happens when best friends fall in love with each other.”

  “This is what happens when two guy best friends fall in love with their third best friend, who happens to be a female.”

  I groan. “What a mess.”

  She nods in agreement. “It’s a messy mess.”

  The podcast Laine has chosen is about the songs of humpback whales. We listen to all of it, then switch to music the rest of the way to the airport. Laine stands on the curb, her hand on her suitcase, and I hug her tightly. “See you soon.”

  “Don’t stress, okay? My mama always says if it’s meant to be, it’ll be.”

  “Yeah,” I say, but I don’t think I believe her. I’m not certain of anything at this point.

  I climb in the car and watch Laine disappear through the automatic doors. When I get home, I throw myself into organizing. I stuff trash bags full of my mother’s things for donation until the living room is filled. Everything from the kitchen, all her books, movies, fake plants. If it’s not furniture, it’s in a bag in the living room. When that’s finished, I clean.

  Two hours later, with my bra sticking to the sweaty underside of my breasts, and my stomach growling from hunger, I take a break and search for my phone. It’s in my bedroom, right where I dropped it beside my overnight bag before I started working downstairs.

  There’s a missed call from a local number, but other than that I haven’t missed anything. I take the phone downstairs with me and rummage for something to eat. I’m looking in the fridge, hoping something appetizing will magically appear, when the phone rings. I grab it and see it’s the same number I missed before.

  “Hello,” I answer, tucking it between my shoulder and ear.

  “Oh, Lennon, thank god you picked up.”

  Mrs. Sterling?

  “What’s going on?” My voice is edged with panic.


  “Brady and Finn were in an accident on their way home and—”

  “What?” My grip on the fridge door handle tightens. “Are they okay?”

  “Yes. Mostly. They were very lucky.” She pauses and a small sob comes through. “Very, very lucky.”

  I slam the fridge closed and take the stairs to my room two at a time. “Where are they?” I ask, snatching my purse off my bed.

  “Agua Mesa General. They’ve both asked for you.”

  “I’m on my way.”

  “Lennon, I just want to prepare you. They were lucky, but there are still some injuries.”

  The front door slams shut behind me. “I’ll be there in fifteen.”

  Fifteen minutes ends up being twelve because I’m driving in a way that would earn me multiple tickets. The woman at the front desk of the hospital tells me what floor they’re on. The elevator ride feels like it takes forever, even though it probably takes seconds.

  I step off, and down the hall I see Mr. and Mrs. Sterling standing outside an open door. Across the hall from them, beside another open door, sits Finn’s uncle.

  I move on quick feet and realize Laine was right. I love them both dearly, but I’m only in love with one, and somehow, in a split-second, I know which one. My heart is full, so full I think it might burst, streaming arcs of fire like a sparkler on the Fourth of July.

  Of course. It was always him.

  I bypass the watching adults and run into the room of the man I’m in love with.

  26

  Now

  I skid to a stop. Everything in the room is quiet, aside from the rhythmic beep of the machines hooked up to him. His eyes are closed, and the beginning of a bruise blossoms on his left cheek. His right cheek is scraped and red. My breath catches in my throat. I’ve never seen him look like he needs help. It’s unnerving.

  Cautiously I tiptoe forward, but it’s hard with the sandals I’m wearing. I’m literally creeping toward the bed when his eyes open. He takes me in, crouched like a creeper, and tries to smile. The grin must hurt him, because almost instantly it turns to a grimace.

  I rush forward, palms reaching for him. I don’t know where it’s safe to touch him, so my hands fall limp to my sides.

  “Finn,” I breathe his name.

  “Lennon,” he says, his voice husky. “For a little while I thought... I thought…” A lone tear rolls slowly down his cheek. He tries to lift his right hand to wipe it, then realizes he can’t. It’s in a sling.

  I lean closer, brushing it away for him. My skin buzzes at the contact. “You don’t have to talk, Finn. Not unless you want to.”

  “Have you seen Brady? Is he okay?”

  I shake my head, telling him no. “His mom said he’s okay. I just got here.”

  “You came to my room first?”

  I nod quickly, nerves shooting across my stomach. What’s there to be nervous about? He’s never been afraid to let me know his feelings. Why do I suddenly feel so shy?

  “Was my room on your right or your left?”

  I give him a perplexed look. “Why?”

  “It’s been proven that right-handed people are more likely to make a right turn when given both opportunities. So was I on your right or left?”

  My tongue darts out to wet my lips that have gone dry. “Left.”

  Triumph lights up his eyes. “So your sub-conscious knows something you don’t.”

  I shake my head. Here we go. “My conscious is aware.”

  Finn blinks. “Aware that…?” The unsaid end of his sentence hangs in the air.

  I take a deep breath and reach across the bed, winding my fingers through the fingers on Finn’s good hand.

  “Aware that it’s you I’m in love with.” I can hardly believe these words are mine. My voice shakes as I speak. “I love Brady, I really do, but it’s you whose room I ran to first, without pausing. Before, I couldn’t choose because I wasn’t forced to. We had been in our situation for so long, it was easier for me to stay there and avoid hurting either one of you. But when I got here, my whole body went into auto-pilot, and the panic overtook all the reason. I didn’t think. I acted. And I came in here.”

  Finn’s hand squeezes mine. He grins rakishly. “I always knew you would choose me.”

  I laugh, but I hear the sound as if I’m standing outside my body. I still can’t believe what’s happening. My eyes narrow playfully. “For someone so certain, you fought pretty damn hard.”

  “Quit talking and kiss me.”

  “Is it allowed?” I glance at the door, thinking maybe a nurse will come in and yell at me for being in here. “Your face is bruised. Are you hurt besides your arm?”

  “Woman, if you don’t get your lips on mine in the next three seconds, I’m going to get out of this hospital bed and alarms will start going off at the nurse’s station and then it will feel like a party in here.”

  I grin and lean closer until my hips are flush with the bed rail. I’m afraid to touch him, afraid I might hurt him, so Finn takes the lead. He lets go of my hand and cups my cheek. I bend down, and he brushes the tip of his nose against mine.

  “I lied,” he murmurs. “I was so damn scared you wouldn’t choose me. And a life without you, Lennon? I couldn’t see it. In my mind are pictures of what my life is supposed to look like, and you’re in every one of them.”

  “Kiss me,” I whisper. A few minutes ago, I thought my heart would burst, but now it’s swollen with all the love rushing through it. And I want more love, more kisses, more everything from Finn.

  Finn kisses me sweetly, delicately, as if I’m made of porcelain. Nothing like our kiss in the lake last night. It’s another side to him, and it makes me look forward to learning what other sides have been hidden all this time.

  Our kiss deepens, his tongue invades my mouth, and the beeping on his heart rate monitor increases in tempo. I smile against his lips and he chuckles. With another chaste kiss, he pulls back and looks with annoyance at the machine.

  “Can we turn that off?” he asks.

  “No way,” I say in my most stern voice.

  I can tell he’s contemplating ignoring me. Finally, he decides to listen and nods at the little table in the corner. “Those are things that were in my pocket during the accident. Would you mind going to grab me something?”

  “Sure.” I walk to the small pile on the table and look down. “What is it I’m loo—” My hand reaches out, snatching up a small fake ruby and holding it up between us.

  “Is this what I think it is?”

  He nods. “I took it from your room that final summer. It’s been my good luck charm ever since. It goes everywhere with me, and it was in my pocket today on the drive. I like to think it saved us from what should have been a much worse accident.” Finn squeezes his eyes, and I realize I know nothing about today’s car accident. He opens them and looks at me. “I want you to have it again. Keep it with you and remember that it’s a promise my heart made to yours when we were seven.”

  My fingers curl around the cheap plastic. “I love it just as much today as I did the day you gave it to me.”

  “Good. Now come back over here and let’s see if we can get that monitor to speed up again.”

  The hard part about choosing Finn? I have to tell Brady. But not yet. Not while he’s in the hospital. Kicking my best friend while he’s down isn’t my idea of a good time.

  When the doctor came to Finn’s room, I slipped out. Which means I’m now face to face with Mr. and Mrs. Sterling. Waves of guilt wash over me. I love him too, I want to tell them. Just not the way I should. It feels like I owe them an apology, but I’m not sure exactly what for. They both gaze at me with knowing eyes. My decision was clear to them, too.

  They don’t say anything about the hospital room I ran to. Instead, they tell me the good news. Before the doctor went into Finn’s room, she’d been in Brady’s. When she came out, she informed the Sterlings that Brady would be discharged tomorrow. Like Finn, he suffered a break, only his was his leg. St
ill, she planned to keep both men overnight for observation, because even she couldn’t believe how lucky they’d been.

  In a rare moment of friendliness, I pull Mrs. Sterling in for a quick hug. “Thank you for calling me,” I whisper in her ear.

  “Brady asked me to,” she says, eyeing me.

  If I wasn’t feeling guilty enough, now I’m pretty much choking on the feeling. I nod, my gaze falling to the chipped polish on my toenails.

  “Lennon?”

  I look up at Mrs. Sterling. “Yes?”

  “Please don’t tell him right now.”

  “I..I…” The guilt makes me stammer. “I won’t,” I finish lamely.

  She steps aside so I can go see him. The door is ajar, so I push it open slowly and walk in. Brady’s bed is in a more reclined position than Finn’s. When he sees it’s me, he presses a button on the side of the bed, and it slowly lifts him.

  “Hey,” he croaks.

  I walk closer until I’m standing beside him. It’s hard to look him in the eyes, but I force myself. I feel terrible. How can I stand here, knowing that I’ve chosen, and not tell him? I told Mrs. Sterling I wouldn’t say anything, and I won’t, but it’s eating me up.

  “Thank God you’re okay.” My throat constricts and I half-sob.

  Brady reaches out, his fingers brushing my forearm. “It was scary, Lennon. It only lasted a few seconds, but I lived them in slow-motion. I was driving Finn’s truck, and I could see the eighteen-wheeler in my rearview mirror. The people in front of us were slowing down, and I was slowing down, but he wasn’t. I watched him barrel toward us, then he hit us, pushing us off the road. We went straight into the granite,” Brady winces. “They keep saying how lucky we were, how the trucker’s speed was high enough that we should be a lot worse off than we are.” He breathes out a short laugh. “And there I was, so worried about you driving back.”

  My response is a small smile. My insides are shaking, from both his experience and from keeping my choice from him.

  “I guess this means you get some more time off work,” I joke, but my voice is weird.