Overdone (The Loss of Reason) (Zelda's World Book 2)

by Paloma Meir

  He stood in front of me fully dressed in the navy velvet blazer I had sent him from Paris for his birthday, olive green brushed cotton jeans and white button down shirt, dreamy, frozen. His lips slightly parted, his fingers trembled as he looked at my naked body.

  “My confident Serge nervous. I would never have thought this.”

  “I waited not knowing I was waiting.” He still hadn’t moved, only stared at me.

  A fuck bag of orifices rang through my head. I smiled trying to forget Danny’s words. I would do for Serge what Danny thought I did best. It would all be over soon anyway.

  I bent down on my knees and unzipped his pants. I reached inside taking his erection into my hands. I put the tip into my mouth loving the smoothness on my tongue. He was beautiful in every way. I put him deeper into my mouth closing my eyes again to create a stronger memory.

  “Stop it Zelda. This isn’t how I wanted you. It’s like you have one of your lists. Mechanical. Stand up.” He said in a breathy voice that grew sterner with every word.

  “How had you imagined it? I’m up for anything.” I pulled away and looked up at him, feeling like the shell of the human I was.

  “Stop acting like this. Did Danny do something to you?” He took my hands from his hips, pulling me to a standing position.

  “No. It’s been a long time. Let’s start over. Kiss me the way that you always do.”

  I helped him take off his clothes, kissing his strong shoulders as I unbuttoned his shirt, kissing his stomach as I unbuckled his belt. He was dreamy, perfect in every way. The darkness of his skin, such a sharp contrast to my pale white skin, beautiful.

  I wished I could go back in time before everything began and fall in love with him, and he with me. I knew I must have been lovable at some point. Had Spider taken that away? Had it happened before that time? I struggled to stop thinking those thoughts and concentrate on what was before me.

  “Come to me Serge” I held open my arms to him. He walked into them pressing his nude body against mine, so strong. His hands on the curve of my lower back pulling us closer together. His erection pressed against my stomach felt so powerful and then he kissed me. We fell into my bed just kissing. His gentle hands caressing all the parts of me he touched. He had a tenderness I had never experienced before. I relaxed, the ugliness of the night slipped away. It went on and on. I loved it.

  “Serge I’m frustrated, deeply frustrated. You offered to satisfy me once. Is that offer still good?”

  He grunted instead of replying as his tongue played with my nipple. A laugh came from my throat surprising me. For a flash of a second I thought of changing my plans and staying with him until it too fell away.

  “I’m embarrassed. If you put your hand on me.” I took his hand and put it on my most private part, “it’s very wet, almost too wet. I’ve been like this every time you’ve kissed me, every single time Serge. Is that too personal?”

  “You’re overwhelming me. I’m stupid. Say anything you want to me anytime you want.” He thrust into me filling me up, heaven, “You’re so warm inside. I don’t know how long I’m going to last.”

  …

  I woke with him entwined with me. I wanted to lie beside him, his body wrapped up with mine forever but I had big plans for my day. “You haven’t lived until you’ve kissed me in the morning. Wake up Serge. The day starts early here.” I said loving his leg over mine, his hand on my breast.

  “Wake up my darling.” I disentangled myself so I could sit up and watch him wake up. I would miss his soulful face, his dark eyes. A smile overcame me as I watched his eyes open.

  He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me back down for a kiss.

  “More like stale roses than morning breath.” He said as he looked into my eyes.

  “I’m going to do something that’s entirely selfish but I want you to know the truth.” I kissed his nose I would I miss.

  “You don’t have a selfish bone in your body.” He ran his finger across my cheek.

  “Oh my God Serge. One night, and you’re mush? Clichés? Come on. I want you to make fun of me.” I sat up and swatted his arm.

  “Your hair is a tangled mess.” His eyes still stared directly into mine.

  “You can do better than that. I’m going to get you a robe. I want you to meet the true love of my life okay?” I retrieved the robes from the chair beside my bed, handing him one and putting the other on myself.

  “Should I get dressed, go downstairs?” He sat up, fully awake.

  “No, this is fine. She won’t know what it means or remember it. I’ll be right back.” I gave him a quick kiss on the cheek and jumped out of bed while he put on the robe and ran his hands through his hair, making me smile again.

  I tiptoed across the creaky hallway not wanting to wake up Astrid, towards Louisa’s room unsure of exactly why I wanted to share her with Serge. I had never liked having a secret from him, but it seemed unfair to unload it on him now. He meant so very much to me and soon I wouldn’t see him anymore.

  I opened the door to see her sitting up in her crib playing with the little white bear we had found in one of the toy stores on our morning walks. I picked her up and looked into her beautiful sleepy face only to see Danny staring back at me. His eyes, his full red lips, his physical grace, only the best of him she took I reminded myself. The rest was her, an independent being meant to be her own person, not me and certainly not her father. “My beautiful Louisa” I murmured to my baby girl as I held her to my chest kissing the top of her little blonde head.

  “Serge I want you to meet Louisa. Louisa this is Serge.” I walked back into my bedroom to find him sitting on the edge the bed he had attempted to make. I almost laughed as I reluctantly placed her on the bed between the two of us.

  He looked down at her nervously smiling as people do when they’re not used to children. I watched his face change from the uneasy greeting to recognition of her true parentage. He looked up at me with a raised eyebrow.

  “Well everything makes sense now Zelda. Hi Louisa.” She looked at him not ready to speak with the earliness of the day.

  “Zelda could you take her back to her room? I need to talk to you.” I picked up my girl and took her to Astrid’s room. I knocked on her door and asked her to take Louisa downstairs for breakfast, explaining I had a guest. She opened the door and looked at me with curiosity as I handed her my Louisa.

  “That was a surprise.” He lay on his side, his head raised up on one arm and looked at me in a way I didn’t like. I questioned myself again about why I had decided to introduce him to Louisa.

  I took off my robe, climbed on top of the bed and opened up his robe up so I could lie against his chest. I told him the whole story, my visit to Los Angeles, seeing Danny, Louisa’s birthday, everything other than Danny’s parting words. He asked questions as he ran his fingers through my hair while I told my tale but I mostly ignored them.

  “I’m speechless. Letters? You have to quit screwing around and tell him. You’ve known for eight months? Come on. That’s not fair to him no matter how strange he’s been acting. Sometimes a phone call is the way to go.” He was rightfully cross with me.

  “I was scared. I kind of told him when I came in for the day. He didn’t hear me.”

  “His hearing’s fine. You didn’t tell him. You tell him today or I will.”

  “I have to go up to San Francisco for a textile fair later today. I’ll be back the day after tomorrow. I’ll go right to his house and tell him. Is that okay?” I lied and lied and lied to Serge.

  “Good. You didn’t tell me that you were going anywhere.” He relaxed no longer upset with me.

  “I’ve been thinking of doing my scarves again. I’m going up for a quick look. It’s only two days.” More lies.

  “Do you want me to go up with you? My time is yours Zelda.” So, so much I did, but it was not to be.

  “I would love that but meeting Louisa and spending two days with her is very different. I don’t want to confuse h
er. I’ll call you the moment I get home," I impressed myself with my complete dishonesty. He would hate me for the rest of our lives.

  “How do we fit in to all of this?” He asked.

  “The unknown is unknowable.” That would be the only truly honest thing I said to him that day.

  “What are we going to do about your inability to make a coherent statement?” He rolled on top of me, kissing me. All was forgiven.

  “That’s better. You’re going to have to leave soon so that I can get ready for my trip. Can we pretend that I didn’t share any of this with you just for an hour? I’ll even brush my teeth.” I wrapped my arms around him, not wanting to ever let go.

  “We’ll make this work. You’re going to need a liter of water when I’m done with you.” He kissed me hard.

  …

  I went through the exit list in my mind as I walked him to the door, the plane tickets, booking the hotel. I had done this before it would be easier the second time. Where would we go? London, we would go to London, a place of civility and manners. A place to start again. We couldn’t stay there, the cold climate and cool summers wouldn’t be nice for Louisa. It wouldn’t be the right place for us to put down roots, but the decorum of the city would give me time to reevaluate our direction. How childish I had been to believe in fairy tale endings, to believe that time hadn’t changed the two of us.

  “Will you make me one of your scarves? I want a black one with silver stripes.” He leaned in the doorway not really leaving.

  “They’re very feminine but if that’s what you want.” I refrained from kissing him knowing I had a full day of packing and making arrangements.

  “When you’re as manly as me you can wear whatever you like.” He raised his body up, making himself look big and strong. I would have to courier him a letter explaining everything. I had paid six months of rent in advance on this house. I would leave it to him so he wouldn’t have to make the long drive from Malibu to Downtown.

  “I didn’t get to see Keith or my parents.” I mumbled without thinking.

  “What? You should practice your English with Astrid. You’ll see them when you get back.” He ran his fingers through my hair. “You’re really, really pretty Zelda.”

  “That’s more middle school than high school Serge. I have to pack, get the three of us ready. Good-bye my gentle one.” I tried to close the door. He pushed it back open.

  “This is the one time you don’t want to kiss me?” He puckered up his lips. I gave him a peck.

  “I’m going to miss you so very much.” I shut the door before he could say anything else.

  …

  I sat on the sofa that wasn’t as elegant or as comfortable as the one I had left behind in Madrid, booking the flights. My phone chirped, looking down I saw it was Danny. Let his apologies or tirade go to voicemail. Some words couldn’t be taken back. His darkness made him a stranger to me. Goodbye Danny.

  I drank my dark coffee Astrid had made for me and considered hotels. I was leaning towards Claridge’s though my family had always liked Blake’s. Blake’s was too hip and far away from South Molton St and Harrods where I would have to shop again for a new wardrobe befitting whatever new life we chose for ourselves. I would include Astrid in the ultimate decision of where to put down roots this time. I hoped that she wouldn’t want to go back to Germany. The efficiency of the country had always put me off.

  My phone rang again. Danny. I put it on the hard wood floor and took the strange metal bird sculpture off the coffee table and broke it. I knew we would have to leave that day instead of the next, right at that moment if possible. He would tire of me not responding and drive to my house. As he said in that hateful way last night I would go back to the proverbial alley with him. That wasn’t a life. Louisa would not be raised by a mad man. He had lowered the bar, dropped it to the floor.

  I thought of Serge missing him already, wishing I could take him with me. I would have died inside if hadn’t been with me, gone back to the way I was after my very bad day all those years ago. I closed my eyes to block the memories of Danny leading me out of the darkness.

  I hit the sides of my head knowing that for him to be able to say the things he said he hadn’t ever really loved me. Oh well. I had my family of Louisa and Astrid. I would be strong for them.

  I took a deep breath and called out to the house, “Astrid start packing. To London we shall go.”

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  I started vomiting on the walk back to Sarah’s condo after dinner. She wanted me to go inside with her so she could take care of me. Being with her for a second longer than the walk home wasn’t something I could do. I would tell her in the morning we were over. I would use my go to break-up line of I wish it could have worked with us, but this time I would mean it. I wasn’t fit for human’s especially not someone as good as Sarah.

  I pulled over twice on the drive home, the bile pouring out of me on the side of the road. Zelda’s delicate hand waving good-bye stayed in my mind, the stunned look not being able to comprehend the enormity of my sickness. It was never her sickness. All the things I had thought of her, the evilness, everything it had been me not her.

  How could I have set out to destroy someone who had only ever offered me her complete love? Such a vulnerable person she had always been with me, trusting me completely to always care for her. Her thought and actions always grounded in kindness.

  I slept fitfully, the hypnotic waves outside of my window sounding more like a loud crash than the white noise that they had always been before. My stomach churning, cramping, the large bowl beside me filled with the contents of my disease.

  The only peace I had was knowing Serge hadn’t come home. I knew as I lay in bed sick he would be comforting the falling apart girl I had destroyed purposely and with the ugliest words available to me, meant not just hurt her but to bring her down to a level that she couldn’t overcome. A quick decision I had made in my jealous rage, a flick of a thought to an end of a soul.

  I fell into a hard sleep depleted of everything as dawn broke. I woke to the sound of the front door opening. I was covered in sweat, the sheets stuck to me. Serge was home. I looked forward to his much deserved hate. Bring it on buddy.

  But he didn’t come into my room. He didn’t make good on his promise to beat me down if I ever hurt her. Instead he sang while from the smell of it made one of his vegetable shakes. I was pretty sure he was singing an old Donna Summer song. Whatever song it was he didn’t know all the words, only singing the same line over and over again.

  Could last night have been a fever dream? Had I not lashed out at the only one who had ever meant anything to me? Life wasn’t like that. Fever dreams were a romantic myth. Was she stronger than I imagined? Had it just rolled off of her? Could life be that good? I didn’t believe that could be true. My verbal assault would have taken Gandhi down.

  I called her. No answer. I was too depleted to move. I had to get to her. I had to let her know how wrong I was, that I was the bad one, never her. She needed to kick me out of her life for good. She needed her power back. I would do the five years of therapy for her. I called her back again, still no answer. I fell back asleep.

  “Dude it stinks in here. You sick?” He pulled back the curtains and opened the window letting in a cool wind. I shivered.

  “You have a fever?” He put his hand on my forehead. “You’re burning up buddy. I’ll be right back.” He took my bowl of vomit with him. After a few minutes he came back with a clean bowl, a glass of water and aspirin. “Are you okay to take this? Is your stomach better?” He asked as he handed me the pills and water.

  “I don’t know.” I popped the tablets into my mouth and swallowed with a chug of water. “How’s Zelda?”

  “She is great, fucking amazing.” He hummed the repetitive lyric again. It was starting to hurt my ears, “Sorry man she’s good. Did you two work out your deal last night? I thought maybe you said something weird to her. Sorry for thinking that bro.” He sat down on
the table beside my bed. “You’ll always be good to her, right?” He asked in a more serious way. I ignored the question.

  “Are you two together now?” Asking him that made me feel like I was twelve years old but I needed him to say yes, which is something I couldn’t have imagined ever wanting before.

  “Dude I told you, it’s a unique situation. We’re hanging out. I dig her. That’s it. She doesn’t talk about you with me and I’m not going to talk about her with you.”

  “I don’t think she just hangs out. Don’t screw around with her.” I had balls of steel saying that to him. I had to get to her. I sat up. My head throbbed.

  “Dude she’s fine. We’re on the same wavelength. We are good.” He wore a sloppy smile I had never seen on him before. Now I knew how she soothed herself. I felt relief instead of sick jealousy. I laughed knowing I had pushed them together. Still I had to get to her. I sat up again. The searing pain in my head let me know it wouldn’t be happening that day.