Forbidden

by Rachel Van Dyken

  Without a word, she slipped her gloved hand in mine and I led her into the ballroom. Yes, I took an extra little second to look over my shoulder at Anthony and Simon. Anthony's nostrils flared, and Simon looked as if someone led his favorite pet away. I know I looked smugly at them. I meant to. Here I had Rebecca when they tried so hard to get her. I had my time and I would use it to the best of my abilities to get her to fall as hard for me as I had her. I felt it wouldn't take much, as the look in her eyes led me to suggest.

  We reached the dance floor with the other guests and stood across from each other. I had never been a remarkable dancer, but I had taken lessons and knew the basic steps for each dance. I wanted to dance only with her, but I knew it wouldn't be the case. Of course it wouldn't. Society would not allow it. Society and its limiting rules.

  We stood in separate lines: gentlemen on one side, ladies on the other. She faced me and I could barely breathe. I didn't want to make a fool of myself. You see, this was before I cared not what people thought of me. I was a young man then and wanted to be taken seriously in the world. I believed how I behaved in it would help me meet my goal. I was incredibly wrong.

  Rebecca stood across from me, her fingers rubbed the fabric of her dress like she was nervous as well. I smiled at her to try to let her know I was nervous as well and she did the same back. We would be nervous together and that was okay by me.

  The violin began playing and I stood straighter with my hands behind my back. In a few moments I would be allowed to touch her again, and I could not wait. But I had to be patient as I knew the steps to the dance and I knew there would be several moments before that would happen.

  The gentlemen bowed to the ladies and then every other male turned around on the dance floor, myself excluded for it wasn't my turn. They came to the middle of the line where their partners waited, took their hands for the briefest of seconds, took two steps and let them go before falling back into place in the line.

  Then it was my turn. I stepped around, came back to the middle and took Rebecca's hand. My world stopped and I had to force my feet to move to the music. She looked up at me, and batted her eyes. I wanted to hold on to her hand forever, but we made to where we started and I had to begrudgingly let her go.

  The next part of the dance involved us pairing up with another couple. Rebecca moved to the center of the circle and, without touching, mind you, stepped around and then back again. Watching her dance with another man, even for the briefest of moments, made me sick to my stomach. I knew it was how the dance went, I knew that, but actually seeing it. I didn't like it and I wanted her back with me as soon as possible.

  As for Rebecca, she didn't smile at the man like she did me. She only gave him the polite expression she gave Simon. It reconfirmed for me how she truly felt for me and the connection I knew we had.

  Once Rebecca and the other man were finished taking their steps, it was my turn with a lovely brunette who was the other man's partner. We stepped into the circle, did our steps, and backed out again. The brunette was beautiful in her own right, though I have always preferred blondes. She was appealing enough, but my heart didn't flutter like it did with Rebecca. I took that as a good sign.

  Then all four of us in our little group joined hands and walked around in a circle. My hand clasped Rebecca's and all was right in the world again.

  Rebecca and I let go as the other couple danced between us and we again formed into two lines.

  Though gloved, my hand felt so empty, so cold without Rebecca's in it. I had never noticed it before, but it was a cruel dance, touching then not touching, being together then not. It wasn't right and it wasn't fair, but I reasoned, holding her hand even during the briefest intervals, beat not being able to hold it at all.

  Again, it was my turn to step around just as I had at the start. Rebecca did the same and we met back in the beginning, her hand warming mine once more. Just like that, we were released and back into our lines.

  We grouped again, stepped back into the center, and danced without touching, which was more difficult than you can imagine. She had her hands clamped behind her back as did I, which was probably a good thing, come to think about it. I couldn't help it, I smirked, and I knew my eyes lit up when I watched her. Her cheeks pinked and she did the same.

  Again, the group held hands and danced in a four square. This time we were opposite each other. I looked into her eyes and she into mine. If I had never known her, if I hadn't had a meal with her, if I had just met her, I would have fallen in love with her at that moment. I've already called her an angel once, but she truly was. I had to tilt my head down to see her fully, for the top of her head only came to my shoulder, but she held her own like she was much taller. In that moment, she was my whole world — everything I wanted. And I would have gladly given her everything to make her happy.

  The four of us let our hands go and went back into our lines. Due to our positions, Rebecca and I were first to travel down the row. We stepped together, shoulder to shoulder. I took one of her hands in mine and placed my other hand on the small of her back. The feelings that flowed through me when my fingers touched such a normally off limit place I can never describe to you. At first, I tried to only let my fingers lightly touch her because I didn't want to offend her, but with each step we took, more of my hand pressed into her back. Before we had turned, the whole of my hand touched her and I felt myself shiver. What that woman did to me was nothing short of magical.

  We took our turn down the row and turned back to where we began. I knew it was coming. I expected it, but that doesn't mean I wanted it to happen. Just as it always did in this dance, another man fell in step with us took the lady's other hand and placed his hand on the small of her back as well to guide her back down the row.

  It didn't matter who the other person was, I knew I would want to hurt him. This was our moment and I didn't want someone else coming in to ruin it. I didn't slide my hand over to give him any room and for the longest of time, I didn't look his direction. The three of us danced back down the line of people just like we were supposed to, but my joviality had soured thanks to this intruder.

  And then I saw him in the mirror over the fireplace at the far end of the hallway.

  It wasn't some stranger holding on the Rebecca. It wasn't someone who just happened to be there for the dance. It was, in fact, Simon Hartwell. That bastard had his hands on my Rebecca, dancing with her. Holding her hand. Touching her back in places only I should be able to hold.

  I couldn't help looking over at him then. I could barely contain my anger and my composure as I witnessed him looking down at her — and grinning. God, he looked happy. Genuinely happy to be touching her and dancing with her. With her! With what was mine. I sneered at him, which got his attention. I didn't think I could look evil or menacing, but I felt it at that moment and, judging by the way Simon's eyes widened and the way he averted my eyes so suddenly, I assume I gave that impression.

  Good, because it was how I felt.

  The walk back to where we began was torture. It seemed mere seconds that we walked one way down the line, but then on the way back, when there were three of us in a very uncomfortable manner, it seemed to last an eternity. His hand was on hers. His hand was in hers. It took everything I had not to push him away. It wouldn't have been proper, of course, but I knew he had planned it all along. That fact made me incredibly angry. Simon hadn't just been in the right place at the right time, he had stood there on purpose so he could have some time with Rebecca. I knew that he was going to give me competition for her heart, and though I knew in my heart Rebecca belonged to me, my head began filling with questions, doubts, fears.

  Simon was titled. I was not.

  Simon had a large lot of land in Enhurst. I did not.

  Simon would never have to work to support her. I would.

  Simon was falling for her. I couldn't let that happen.

  As we walked and I felt the anger flush my face, Rebecca looked up at me. At me. Not at Sim
on. Not at anybody else, but at me. She fluttered her eyes and her ruby red lip pulled up a wee bit into a grin. As we took the last few steps of our journey, Rebecca kept her gaze on me. She never looked at Simon, just me. Always just me. My throat dried and the anger slipped away as, yet again, we were the only two people in the room. I could have looked into her eyes forever. I would have loved to, but we sadly made it back to where we began and I had to let her go. Simon turned her to face the middle again, and I did the same to the girl to my right. We formed our lines again and once more, Rebecca and I ended up in the middle. We made one more dance around the middle, her eyes directly on mine the entire time, and then we stepped back into the line.

  The dance was over.

  Everyone else around us greeted his or her partner, but I couldn't move and neither, it seemed could Rebecca. She stared at me for what seemed like an eternity and I her, unable to break her gaze even if I wanted.

  Finally, Simon broke the connection for us. He walked up to Rebecca and whispered something in her ear. My trance broke, and it took everything I had not to go over and break his neck. She looked at me, back at Simon and nodded. Without acknowledging me, he walked away. I found out later what he said. He is lucky he has lived this long.

  Rebecca didn't follow him. In fact, she stayed with me and danced another dance. By the time we were finished, my feet ached for I had never danced so much in my life. I would have danced a thousand more times if she had wanted, however. I would have twirled her around the floor until my feet bled if that was what it took to spend time with her. I loved her that much.

  I haven't danced since that night and I won't ever again.

  Finally, Anthony tapped me on the shoulder and asked for a turn with his cousin. The way he said "cousin" led me to believe he would not take no for an answer. I wanted to tell him to go away, but I didn't want to look like an inconsiderate brute, so I allowed it. The entire time I watched them, I dreaded the conversation they most assuredly had about me.

  A few other ladies smiled my way. I politely smiled back, but didn't dance with any of them. I accepted a drink from a most unusual fellow, or rather a person I wasn't expecting to get a drink from: Simon Hartwell. My first thought was that perhaps it was filled with poison, after all, I had won his woman from him. But then I looked more closely at Simon. He wasn't much of a man, if you asked me. Soft, he was very soft and too kind. I believe kindness has its place in the world, but Simon had too much. He wasn't assertive. He wasn't very perceptive either.

  We drank nearly simultaneously as we watched Anthony and Rebecca dance. Neither of us took his eyes off her. It wasn't uncomfortable for what did I have to be uncomfortable about? From Anthony, yes. I did have something to fear from him, but Simon, never. Not Simon.

  "Lovely party." Simon said, his voice grating on my nerves.

  "Indeed." The music swelled around me and my aching feet wanted to sit, but if Simon wouldn't, I wouldn't. I had my pride.

  "Look, Frederick. I understand you may have feelings for Miss Rebecca…" And here it came, the part where I assumed he'd tell me to leave her alone, that he wanted to court her and as a titled person, he would have first rights to her — if she accepted of course. I, however, wanted to hear none of that. I knew the ways of the world and thought they were stupid. In my mind, love should trump all. Love then money then titles. That should have been the order of things. Whoever invented the world — God or man — they got the rules backwards.

  "Miss Rebecca has feelings for me," I told him straight out, lest he make a fool of himself more. I do have feelings and I didn't want to watch Simon wallow. Also, I wanted Simon to know that I had won and that the game wasn't still being played.

  Simon nearly spat out his drink at my revelation. "Does she? Did she tell you as much?"

  "Yes," I lied, though it wasn't entirely a lie. She had told me she loved me. Not with her words, but with her actions, her smiles, the way she looked at me when we were close, the tender way she stiffened when my fingers touched her back. These things were more important than words to me, for what are words? I can say "I love you," but what does it matter if I don't have the experience behind it? Words are mere words, useless unless an emotion is there to bind them.

  Rebecca's actions spoke volumes to me. They reassured me of her commitment. When she danced with her cousin Anthony, her eyes found me several times as if to say she wished it were me she was with. The feeling was mutual, for I wished the same thing.

  Simon blew out a deep breath and set his empty glass on the mantel behind the decorations. Very poor taste, but who am I to judge? "She really told you that? Did you propose a courtship?"

  This was something I hadn't done because I hadn't been alone with her, but I would have. The next moment I was alone with her, I'd ask and she'd say yes. I just wasn't sure how to tell this to Simon. If I said no, he would think Rebecca was fair game, and she was not. If I said yes and he caught me in the lie, Rebecca might not take it well and leave me for being a liar. I knew she deserved better than that so I hesitated before I spoke.

  Thankfully, the music ended and Anthony led Rebecca back to us before I had to answer the question. God was truly on my side at that moment, or so I thought.

  "Excuse me," I told Simon and then forgot all about him. I walked up to Rebecca and Anthony, not acknowledging my friend any more than he had been acknowledging me.

  "May I have a word?" I asked Rebecca with my hands clamped behind my back. My hands which were aching to touch her again.

  Rebecca looked to Anthony, then Simon, then back to me…

  "You don't have to if you don't…" Anthony began but she cleared her throat to stop his sentence.

  "It is quite alright, cousin. I would be glad to accompany Mr. Dodsworth." She raised her delicate hand and I took it, overjoyed that Simon — and Anthony — got to see her choice. As I led her out of the ballroom, I took the time to wink at Simon just to let him in on the fact that I had won — and he'd better not forget it.

  If only I had played a better game.

  We retreated to the foyer and stopped at the stairs. After a brief chat, Rebecca went up the stairs to retrieve her cloak and I sought my hat and top coat. I knew it was frigid outside for the sun had gone down a while before, but I also knew that there were too many people and too many prying eyes in the Wexley Manor. I wanted some time alone with Rebecca to make my intentions known to her.

  You may think me foolish to move so quickly, but have you forgotten about my good friend Wexley? He knew all about my secret and do you really believe that I trusted him not to tell Rebecca? Actually, yes. I did believe he would not tell her, but only on that night. I believed that he would not want to ruin her fun in the evening and, after I'd left, have a chat with her in the morning. I knew he liked me as a friend, loved even because I loved him as a brother. Still, when it came to family, real blood family, that mattered not.

  I wanted to talk to Rebecca first before Anthony had a chance. If she had to know of my station in life, then I would have rather it come from my lips and not his. I thought, perhaps, that I could tell her about it in such a way that she wouldn't worry for her future. I had prospects. I had job opportunities. I could support her — someday. I was a bit naive back then, but I had faith in myself and that was all I needed. I knew I could convince her that love was enough — that what she felt for me was enough.

  From the corner of my eye, I watched as Anthony and Simon entered the foyer from the ballroom. Both had puzzled expressions on their faces upon seeing me in my top coat and hat. Anthony opened his mouth to speak when the wooden staircase creaked from the second floor and Rebecca descended in her lovely red velvet cloak.

  She stopped hastily. All eyes on her, well the only eyes that mattered: Anthony's, Simon's, and mine. Her gaze flickered between the three of us. Her cheeks blushed and she averted her eyes. I didn't want her to be embarrassed. I never wanted her to be embarrassed of me and honestly, it killed my soul that I couldn't be what she wan
ted — what every young lady craved in a husband.

  I cleared my throat and addressed my friends — and I use that term loosely now. "Miss Rebecca and I will be out on the veranda. It is such a lovely night."

  "It is a crisp night. Perhaps it is wise not to go outside. We don't want Rebecca to get a chill," Anthony said, challenging me. He had a look in his eyes I had never seen directed at me before. Yes, I'd seen it at school when one of the lower classmen dared speak to him, but never to me… I was his friend. His. Friend. I thought that meant something.

  You should know that I do not give away my friendship or my trust easily. I have only given my trust to one person in this life and that was Anthony Wexley. I shall regret that decision every day of my life.

  I was ready to counter when Rebecca beat me to it. I was as surprised by her answer as my companions appeared to be. "Cousin, it is alright. We won't be out long and I do wish for some fresh air. You know how I feel being cooped up in the house for hours on end."

  "But the chill," Anthony said again. His voice held a noticeable trace of desperation. I heard it. I hoped Rebecca did not.

  Anthony didn't want me alone with her. It is understandable, I suppose, his position, but I cared not for how it made him feel. I still don't.

  "It will be alright." She spoke again. This time with much more force and determination.

  She reached the bottom step and I offered my arm, which she took. "Yes, my friends." I made sure to emphasize the word friend so they knew I was on to them. "We will only be on the veranda and only for a short while. Besides, why must you worry? I will take complete care of Miss Rebecca."

  As we walked past Anthony, I couldn't help but wink in his direction. This didn't please him, but it made me feel better. I'd won this round and by Miss Rebecca's insistence.

  I felt lighter than I had in ages as we passed a few other people who didn't even look our way as we walked out onto the veranda. The chill did hurt my bones, but I refused to show the effects of the cold for I didn't want Anthony to get the satisfaction of being correct. A light layer of snow covered the stone surface, and more snow fell from the heavens. Rebecca placed her hood over her head, protecting those delicate features from the coldness of December.