Forbidden

by Rachel Van Dyken

  When I could not stand being apart any longer than necessary, I took her hand in mine and turned her to look into my eyes. "Will you walk with me?"

  She blinked a few times to let the words sink in. "But I thought... were we not staying on the veranda?

  I smiled as innocently as I could. Did I really think Anthony and Simon wouldn't spy on us? No. Of course they would. That was why I paid Lord Culpepper to intercept them and ask all manner of boring questions to keep them occupied and always from the windows — away from me and Rebecca. "I would love a stroll, if you don't mind? The movement might keep the chill away." It wouldn't, more than likely, but I had nothing to lose. It was now or never.

  I do not know if she fell for my ruse because she said not a word about it, but she did nod and allow me to escort her down the stairs and toward the path to the garden. I had the foresight to grab a lamp to guide our way, hoping that her cousin wouldn't see it and find us.

  I only needed a little bit of time. Just a little bit to tell her the truth. I knew without a doubt in the world that she loved me as much as I loved her — or at the very least thought fondly enough of me to want to get to know me better.

  The snow eased to barely a flurry as we reached the gardens. The interesting thing about Anthony's garden was that it was constructed in the form of a maze. I hadn't known that until we reached the high hedge about it and Rebecca informed me.

  "Are you ready for an adventure?" I asked, hope filling my young voice.

  "I believe I am." The lantern reflected in her eyes, making them even more magical to me.

  No, what we were doing wasn't proper. We should not have been outside alone, let alone wandering the gardens alone at night. If a daughter I cared about ever dared to do what I did… or if ever a man ever had the gumption to take her outside alone, I would have my pistol at the ready and he would not see his next birthday.

  However, at the time, I had none of the things young men dream about running through my body. Though it is obvious that Rebecca was beautiful, at that moment, I had no indecent thoughts about what we could do so far away from chaperones. On one hand, it was freezing cold and the notion of being inappropriate would not be entirely possible. On the other hand, I knew I only had precious few moments alone with Rebecca and I did not want to waste them.

  We walked through the hedge maze, her arm tucked in the crook in my elbow, as we watched the little flurries dance in the sky thanks to the light of my lantern. I had no fears in that instant. Only peace. Only perfect peace for I knew what I was doing was right. I believed in God, and I didn't think He would give me such feelings if they weren't honest and true. He wouldn't have caused me to love her so fully if He didn't make her love me just the same. It would be a cruel thing to do to a person and the God my mother told me about wasn't cruel.

  I will speak no more on the matter of God or good and evil. I will say that people make their own paths in this life. Their own decisions. Some people in the here and now say that I am a monster for using a man's sins against him. I say this… if a certain man committed no sins, I would have nothing to use. If a certain man was good and honest and pure and did no wrong, then I would have no leverage over him. The men have their own sins. I do not cause them. I do not make people sin. I only learn of them. I learn of them. I use them. How does that make me evil?

  "What's out here?" I asked as my nose became chilled. I had not intended to be out in the cold so long and I feared for not only my health, but Rebecca's. She seemed such a fragile thing, little… helpless and I did not want to be the cause of any ailment to befall her.

  "Right around this bend and you will see," she answered as she took my hand and dragged me forward.

  The unexpectedness of the gesture made me laugh, and I gladly followed her into the unknown. I would have followed her anywhere.

  Sure enough, around the bend was something I hadn't expected. In the middle of the maze in a clearing not very large was a white gazebo. Unlit rush torches surrounded it. Rebecca took a piece of parchment from her bag, lit it from the lantern I held, and went around to each torch, lighting up the area. It truly seemed a magical place. You probably think me foolish, but I could imagine fairies dancing in the nighttime air, playing in the snowflakes. I could see otherworldly sprits, things I never dreamed of, floating through the air. We were shut off from the rest of the earth, Rebecca and I. Secluded by the maze, cozy in our own little world. I liked it. The magic in the air. The seclusion. It almost made me believe that what I had to tell her wasn't true — and even if it was — that it wouldn't matter.

  She brought me here. Rebecca. She took me away from it all, from Anthony, from Simon and into our own place. My mind finally comprehended what my heart had been saying all along: Rebecca loved me as I did her. This was the proof.

  I took her hand and led her up the steps to the center of our world. Snowflakes fell all around, but none touched us. Evergreen garland hung around the circular railing of the gazebo, and I had to smile. It was as if Anthony's servants made this place just for us.

  I liked the irony in that.

  I had read a fantasy romance novel once in my life and it was out of sheer curiosity. I wanted to see what the fuss was about when there were much more important things to read about in the world. It was not my favorite book, but this moment reminded me of it.

  I took Rebecca's other hand and held them between us, elated to be there with her and terrified of what I had to tell her.

  She blinked her eyes a few times and looked away as if not believing what was going on herself. Perhaps she could not believe that she had brought me to such a secluded location. No matter for I could tell she was becoming chilled and we needed to get back inside the house hastily.

  I knew what I had to do… I knew what I had to say… And so I began. "Miss Rebecca, I realize I have just met you and I know that this is no tale of fairies told to children. I understand this is real life and that the magic will fade soon. But saying all of that, I want you to know that I am very fond of you. More than fond if you want the truth."

  I pulled her hands to me, resting them on my chest. She was so close I could feel her breath. It was intoxicating and I wanted nothing more than to close the distance between us and claim her mouth as my own.

  "Mr. Dodsworth," she began.

  "Frederick," I interrupted. "Please, call me Frederick, at least when we are not in the company of others."

  Her lips curved up slightly. "Frederick." My heart felt as if it would burst from my chest. My name sounded wonderful coming from her lips. No one, except my mother of course, had ever called me by my Christian name, and it sounded like angels singing, if I can be so cliché.

  "Frederick," she said again, making my heart pound in my ears. Never in my life had I felt such an overwhelming emotion running through me. Never. I wanted Rebecca as mine so it would last forever. I needed it to last forever. Rebecca gently tugged at her hands and removed them from mine. Her face which had once been so full of love and passion turned downcast and she turned so I could not see her fully. "I have something I must tell you."

  I know now that I should have been concerned about her sudden turn. I know that I should have questioned it more, but I didn't because, be it ever so silly to you, I trusted her. I had no reason not to trust her. And I loved her — love did strange things to me and I vow never to let it control me ever again.

  Love — the most vile of sins.

  I heard her words, she had something to tell me, but couldn't grasp anything horrible for there was no way she would or could have done something evil. "Whatever it is, it can wait, Miss Rebecca."

  I had my own truth to tell her and I didn't want to sully the night, waste it on petty confessions. We were alone. That was all that mattered.

  "No," she said backing away. "No. I must tell you this before we go any farther. I've made…"

  But I didn't listen. "Whatever it is, it is fine. I assure you. I am infatuated with you. Nothing you can tell me will ch
ange that." Thinking back on the hope in my voice… I was a different person back then.

  She took another step back, but I couldn't let her do that. She was slipping away, just when I'd gotten her. Whatever this secret was tore her apart and I couldn't let that happen. I grabbed her arm and spun her to face me. "Don't do this." I held her wrists in my hands. "Please, whatever it is you feel you need to tell me, I don't care. I care about you. I want to be… with you."

  "Please stop" She said as a cold tear fell down her cheek. She tried to pull away. I wouldn't let her because I knew… I knew that if I let her go, she would go forever and I couldn't understand why.

  "You brought me here," I said, my confusion and fear caused me to tighten my grasp on her wrists.

  "I did." Her voice trembled.

  "You brought me here because you care for me, as I care for you." It wasn't a question. I knew it… I knew it!

  "Frederick," she pulled on her wrists, but I wouldn't let her go. I needed her close to me. Everything seemed so confusing. She had brought me there. She's smiled at me. She had laughed, not at me, but with me. Not two moments before, she loved me and now whatever she had to tell me was breaking us apart? No… no. I wouldn't let that happen. I couldn't.

  When I tightened my grip, I saw something in her eyes I never wanted to see. Fear. She was becoming afraid of me, and I couldn't understand why. All I wanted was to be close to her. All I needed was for her to be close to me. And I keep saying it, but I couldn't understand — at the time — why she was acting like this.

  "Why did you bring me here?" I asked, not letting go. I couldn't let her go.

  "I had to tell you something and I didn't feel it was proper to tell you in front of all those guests or your friends." Her voice quivered in the cold.

  "Yes. I know. You had to tell me something. That's why I followed so willingly."

  She backed away and I followed, still holding her hands. "You were going to tell me you love me, just as I love you."

  "Frederick…" She shook her head, causing the hood to fall from her cloak. "I just…."

  Her back hit the railing of the veranda and she had no place to go — no place to escape from her true feelings. "Rebecca," I had never spoken to her so informally. I couldn't help it. Desperate times. I used her hands in mine to tilt her chin up so she could look into my eyes and truly see how much I cared for her. She needed to know and then she wouldn't be so scared. "Rebecca, whatever it is, you have to tell me, it doesn't matter. It is fine. You could have committed the greatest sin of them all, and it would not matter to me."

  She whimpered and trembled against me. I took it as a good sign. "Please, don't do this."

  I could not fathom what she meant by that. Don't do what? Profess my love? Tell her that her past didn't matter to me because I loved her for who she was now? I ask you, how is that bad?

  I smiled as warmly as I could to reassure her. "You have nothing to fear from me, my sweet, sweet Rebecca. I would never hurt you."

  Another tear rolled down her cheek and I didn't understand why. I hoped it was a happy tear because she had finally found her match. Did ladies not do that in the storybooks? Did they not cry from happiness when a man came along offering to take care of them — protect them for the rest of their days? Love, security, what more could a woman want?

  "But I might hurt you," was her answer.

  I didn't take the time to comprehend what she said. I didn't want to understand it, truth be told. I wanted her to stop talking, to stop thinking. I wanted her to feel what I was feeling, to not care about titles or money or whatever the past had done to us. "You could never hurt me." I laughed as if it was the most ludicrous idea in the world. How could she hurt me? It wasn't possible, especially since I knew, even though she had not told me, how she felt about me. I saw it in her eyes the first time I'd met her. She couldn't deny it.

  "Please back away," she said, and her lip quivered from the cold.

  "Not until you tell me you believe me."

  "Please," she said again, pushing against me.

  But… I couldn't let her go. Not until she understood. Not until she put aside whatever thing she had to tell me and believe what I was telling her. I felt a tear slide down my own face and I fought not to wipe it away. If I did, I'd have to let her go and I couldn't let that happen. "I'm not going to hurt you. I just need you to stay with me. Just for a little while longer. I need you to know…"

  "I knew this was a mistake and we must return to the party before others start noticing we are away." She pushed against me again and again I refused to concede. "Let me go," she said more forcefully.

  My mind raced in all directions. What had happened in such a short amount of time? It made no sense. "I can't do that. I need you to understand."

  "Oh, I understand."

  "No… you don't. You don't understand. Why did you bring me out here tonight, Rebecca? Why?"

  "I told you." Her voice became more and more forceful. "I had to tell you something and I wished it not be in the company of others."

  "I only care what it is if it was to declare your love for me."

  Her eyes widened. "Frederick… Mr. Dodsworth… this…"

  "Because I love you." I couldn't hold it in any longer. I bent toward her so hastily she could not stop me if she wanted and, with her hands still in mine, I did what I'd wanted to do since I first met her: I took her lips as my own.

  Her body, the body I dream about even to this day, stiffened under me and I could feel her surprise. She tried to lean back farther, but I wouldn't let her. Her hands were very tiny and mine, as you know, are big, so I positioned both her of her hands in one of mine and placed my other hand on the back of her head to steady her.

  She moaned against my lips and I knew she wanted me as much as I wanted her.

  Finally, I was able to show my love in a way I knew she would understand. Words were just words. Actions spoke volumes. As the snowflakes swirled around us and the chilly December wind blew, I kissed Rebecca Eaton, I declared my love, my desires… In that instant, I knew beyond a doubt that I was hers — and she was mine. Forever and always.

  I leaned back and broke off the kiss, just so I could see her face. Tears — happy tears I decided — slid down her rosy cheeks and she looked up at me with big, round eyes. "I love you. I promise to always take care of you and never let you go. I promise."

  Without waiting for an answer, I took her lips again, feeling her against me again, forcing her mouth open this time and claiming her in the way I'd thought about all night.

  I rubbed my thumb over her hands to let her know it was alright. That I felt the same way too.

  In that moment, I believed God was blessing us. He was forming one heart between us. I had no doubts that He wasn't, for I had what I wanted. Rebecca Eaton was mine: heart, body and soul.

  "What in God's name…? Let her go!"

  I heard his words and I wanted them to be a bad dream, a figment of my imagination. I refused to comply in fear that it really was a voice in my mind and I would release her without cause.

  "Frederick! I said let her go!" I felt a hand clamp on my shoulder and pull me backwards. The shock of it all caused me to release the kiss and Rebecca's hands. She fell back against the railing. After taking a few deep breaths, she placed her hand to her bosom and bent over slightly as if unable to breathe properly.

  I understood how she felt for I couldn't catch my breath either. I had kissed women in my life, none of them meant anything to me I have to say. But that kiss with her… it took my breath away and I had to fight to get it back. If it did nothing else, it reassured me of her feelings for me. Though she had never told me, as I said, I knew by her actions how she felt. It was not that difficult to decipher. She wouldn't have kissed me back if she hadn't wanted me to kiss her. Easy. Simple. To the point. The way love should be. But our intruder, her stupid cousin Anthony, took the beauty and the simplicity and turned it around. I could see it in his eyes what he thought was happening
, and he was dead wrong.

  "She brought me here," I said first before he could speak any of the ill and vile words I could see forming in his mind.

  "And I am supposed to believe that?" His nostrils flared. "Why would she do that?"

  "To tell me she loved me… away from you, away from everyone." My fists balled and I had to fight not to do the one thing I'd never done in my life — well, perhaps not the one thing, but the one thing I never thought I would do: I wanted to break Anthony's nose.

  Anthony looked over my shoulder at Rebecca and stared at her for the longest time. I suppose his simple mind couldn't fathom love. True love. Real love. Honest love. We hadn't done anything to be ashamed of, and, in my mind, I knew we would be married soon — though I needed to ask her and tell her my secret.

  "Go back to the house. You'll catch your death from this cold." He motioned over his shoulder. "Go on now."

  Rebecca hesitated for a brief second then complied. She reached the bottom of the steps and turned toward me. From the torchlight, I saw her full red lips, red from our kiss, and I wanted nothing more than to take them again. "If I gave you the wrong idea, I am sorry."

  "Don't apologize to him, Rebecca. Go on, now." Anthony had the nerve to say. To treat her like his own property and tell her what to do? What was going on with him? He had always been a level headed chap until today and it was as if he had become bewitched.

  "No, Miss Rebecca. You need not apologize. Not for that. Not for any of it," I called to her. She paused her exit and stared at me for the briefest of seconds before she put her crimson cloak over her head, took the lantern, and headed off into the darkness.

  When she had gotten a good distance away, Anthony closed the distance between us and pushed me back. I stumbled and had to catch the railing to keep from falling. "What the devil?"