Forbidden

by Rachel Van Dyken

  "What did you do to her?" He stalked toward me. The light flickering in his eyes caused him to resemble the devil.

  "I didn't do anything to her!" I tried to gain my balance and the scoundrel pushed me down again.

  "Do not lie to me, Frederick. I saw you. I saw it with my own eyes. You held her hands so she couldn't defend herself, and you attacked her."

  "I kissed her." I said almost jovially. Here I thought Anthony of all people would know that. "There was no attacking."

  "I saw you."

  "You saw wrong." I stood and looked down on him. Anthony was a tall man, I'll give him that, but he wasn't as tall as me. "I didn't hurt her. I wouldn't do that."

  He sneered. "Because you love her so much."

  It would not have taken much to have broken his teeth. "Yes. Because I love her so much."

  Anthony scoffed and rolled his eyes. At least he had the foresight to back away and get out of reaching distance of me. "Frederick Dodsworth, you silly, stupid man. You only met her this evening."

  "Have you ever been in love?" I asked because I knew the answer.

  His nose flared. "No."

  "No… so how do you know what it feels like? What it makes you do?"

  "I know it would never cause me to force myself on a woman."

  "I didn't… I wasn't forcing myself. Dear God, Anthony, I was kissing her!"

  Why the devil could I not get him to understand? He looked at me as if I was the villain. As if I had done something wrong. I did nothing wrong. Not in God's eyes anyway and no one can convince me otherwise.

  "You were…" He stopped and pinched the bridge of his nose. "That's not why she brought you out here."

  "And how do you know that? Because you know her so well?" I shot back.

  "She's my cousin."

  "A cousin you haven't seen in years, you said so yourself." I wanted to walk passed him and be done with this conversation. I wanted to find Rebecca and talk to her some more, for there was lots of things to discuss.

  Anthony shut his eyes as if trying to decide on what to say next. I knew a good thing for him to say next: nothing. "Frederick," his voice softened. "I understand you think you love her. She is beautiful and much too kind for her own good. She would make any man a wonderful wife."

  "However…?"

  "However," he sighed. "Frederick, you are not the man for her."

  My chest constricted and, honestly, I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I mean. I understood the words, obviously, but— "I don't understand. You are my friend."

  "She deserves better," he said bluntly.

  In that moment, I knew what would happen. He would go tell Rebecca about my lack of title just as I feared he would. "I have money. I can get money. She won't want for anything. I'll make sure of it, Anthony. My father's friend — my benefactor — he will help me."

  "You have never met your benefactor," he reminded me, as if I didn't know.

  "No, but he hadn't ever given me cause not to trust him. I know if I asked, if I told him the circumstances, he would help secure me a job. I can take care of her." I found myself pleading with Anthony, needing him to understand.

  Anthony walked to me and placed his hand on my shoulder, squeezing it just enough to get my attention and warn me to listen. "Know this, my friend. If I see you mistreating Rebecca again, I will ruin you. Do I make myself clear? Let this obsession go. It won't work, and it will only bring you pain."

  "And you care enough about me to tell me this?" I scoffed and tried to push his hand away. The iron thing wouldn't budge.

  "No. I lost all kind feelings I had toward you when I saw you assaulting Rebecca…"

  He said more, but let's think on that a moment. I solemnly swear that I did not assault her. Yes, I held her so she couldn't run away, but it was only to make a point because I knew the second her lips touched mine, she would love me as I loved her. I couldn't let her fear keep us from our destiny. I wasn't hurting her, I was helping her. If only Anthony had understood that.

  You understand… right?

  It makes no matter how you feel on the subject. Those are the facts. And I will not be bothered to rewrite history and make myself a monster.

  Anthony's nostrils flared as he spoke to me. "I only tell you this to save whatever dignity you might have left and keep you from hurting her again."

  "I didn't…"

  "Stay away from her, Frederick. Or else…" Such a puny threat when you think about it. Or else… or else what? What would he do to me? What could he do to me?

  He gave me no time to retort, but grabbed a torch, walked out of the gazebo and into the snow, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

  I can't say my thoughts were entirely pure and true ones. I knew my intentions. Anthony didn't. Rebecca obviously understood too, because she kissed me back. Yes, it was after I forced her mouth open, but she only needed a little budge to love me. Why Anthony couldn't understand that, I'll never know. But I do know that what happened next was entirely his fault.

  I take no blame in the actions that come next for, if I hadn't been stopped in the gazebo, all of the issues that could have come between Rebecca and I would have been sorted out. I should have picked my friends better. It was a mistake I didn't make again.

  It took a lot of composure not to take one of the torches and burn down Anthony's gazebo, his stupid maze, his house. But then I knew everyone would know it was me, and I'd be outcast — even more outcast than I already was. Though my fingers twitched to hurt Anthony as he had threatened me with "or else," I took the bigger path and snuffed out the fire on all of the rushes save one, which I took back through the maze and back to the main house.

  Music filled the air, growing louder the closer I got to the manor. Through the large windows to my right, I watched as people danced. I wanted to go back to my dance with Rebecca, when everything was right in the world. When our love was just blossoming, before Anthony had to dirty it. Anthony made something pure and lovely and sweet into something cold and dark and ugly. Anthony did that. Not me. Not Rebecca.

  I already knew my friend was no longer my friend, but I had no idea the lengths he would go to next. And Simon! I had forgotten about him. He was such a feeble specimen of a man. He didn't have any gumption to him, no drive… so weak and frail. The kind of person you just forgot about easily. That was Simon Hartwell. The type who couldn't stand up to anyone and only spoke when Anthony was there to back him up. Such a weak man. Then again, his weakness made the last seventeen years possible, didn't it?

  I walked through the back door. A few of the guests turned my direction when I entered but none spoke. I couldn't tell if glares and raised brows were from confusion because I had never attended one of Anthony's parties before and they wouldn't know me, or if it was something else. Perhaps Anthony had already poisoned them against me. Such a jealous man.

  Feeling a bit worn from the evening's events, I desired some time alone to think. I knew I didn't have much time to find Rebecca and talk to her, but I felt, rightfully so I suppose, that she needed to be alone for a bit. I was being kind. I was being nice. I wasn't crowding her or forcing her — no matter what Anthony said — into anything. I knew she loved me. That only left explaining my acceptance into university and my benefactor. In my mind, however, the hard part was over. Love could overcome anything — at least that's what my naive heart told me.

  Like I said, I needed time to myself, which was fighting with my need to find Rebecca. I knew I should find her and talk to her, but I also knew I needed to take a second to calm myself. My conversation with Anthony had vexed me, and I needed to be in a more put-together mood before I spoke to Rebecca again.

  Though I didn't think so at the time, Anthony's words on the matter did cause doubt to fill my mind, not on Rebecca's love for me for that could never change, but with regard to how I had treated her. Perhaps I had been too forceful in my need to hastily show her my love. Perhaps I might have held her too tightly, though I hadn't believed so at the ti
me. I didn't think I had scared her because she didn't appear, to me, to be scared. However, I knew it was my gentlemanly duty to tell her I was sorry. It would show her how much I cared to ask about her feelings and I knew she would appreciate it.

  Therein formed my plan. Take a few moments to compose myself. Get all of the rage out of my body and then go find Rebecca. Talk to her sweetly, kindly, tell her how sorry I was, declare my love, and then live happily ever after.

  Wouldn't life have ended up so much better if the next series of events had transpired in that way?

  Anthony's guests were scatted around the manor, conversing, dancing, drinking. I walked through the rooms and hallways, trying to find a place to rest. I had never been in the home before and it was slightly difficult to navigate because of its size. Now, I would not have had that sort of problem, but back then I didn't know any better.

  I noticed as I made my way through the hallways that gentlemen looked in my direction and then away. Always hushed whispers followed behind me. I tried not to dwell on it, but it seemed a bit odd.

  Finally, I found a secluded part of the manor. It was decorated as all other parts of the house in festive reds, greens, and whites. A small table sat under an antique mirror and I stopped for a moment to catch my reflection.

  And what a reflection it was!

  My nose was red and rosy from being outdoors so long in the cold. My hair was messed around my head thanks to the breeze that had whipped through the gazebo. My skin was even more pale than normal. I looked an absolute mess. Definitely not a way I wanted to greet Rebecca.

  I took a few moments to straighten my hair and play with the tip of my nose to try to get the redness to leave. It didn't work, so I finally gave up. Perhaps Rebecca would find it endearing that my nose matched the color of the Christmas bobbles.

  I started to walk away, back to the party, and search for Rebecca when my eye caught sight of the door to my left. It was ajar, and I'm not sure why, but it caught my attention.

  What happened next, I can only describe to you as a matter of fate. I wanted to leave the area and head back to the party, for I felt the anger dull within me and I believed I could see Rebecca calmly now. But on the other hand, a strange pull drew me to that door. It was as if some mystical force wanted me inside that room. I tried to walk away, but I couldn't. Curiosity, fate, God, whatever you want to call it, something kept me there. Something kept my eyes trained on that door.

  I wish I had left.

  No, I take that back. I am glad I stayed because if I had not, I would not have known about the betrayal until much later. I would have learned, most assuredly, but in front of everyone as they announced — oh, I shouldn't get ahead of myself. You need to know every detail, every single one, so you understand why I have to do what I have to do… so you know why you have to do what you have to do.

  After looking around to make sure no one would see me — sneaking through the rooms of a host was frowned upon of course — I gently and quietly opened the door to the darkened room. I saw no one at first but heard a gasp. A female gasp.

  As my eyes adjusted to the lack of light, I made out the shadows of not one, but two people. One tall. One short. One a gentleman. One a lady.

  I could tell by their posture that I had walked in on something I shouldn't have. Instantly I said I was sorry and backed out of the room, and then, I smelled it. Lavender.

  Lavender. The scent that had filled my senses when I was outside with Rebecca.

  Lavender. The smell that engulfed me as I kissed her.

  It filled the room with such a sweet smell.

  The female gasp…

  The lavender fragrance…

  My mind raced in all the horrible possibilities, but none of them could be true. Why would she?

  But I had to be sure.

  "Miss Rebecca?" I asked tentatively, for surely it could not be her. She wouldn't be in a darkened room with another man. She wouldn't do that to me.

  There was no answer, but I heard their breathing and I heard her whimper. "Rebecca, is that you? Are you hurt? Is he…. hurting you?" Because if whoever the other occupant was hurting her, I would gladly hurt him.

  A lantern sprang to life, illuminating the room, and I saw a sight that will haunt me forever. Rebecca standing against the desk, for the room I had entered was, I found out after observation, a study. She stood next to the one person I never suspected.

  Simon Hartwell.

  Her lips were swollen and red, obviously from a forced kiss and I knew, I knew in that instant that I had to kill Simon. He'd taken advantage of her. He was going to hurt her in that vile way some men hurt a woman. The anger I had just pushed away filled me once more and there was no stopping it this time, nor did I want to stop it.

  I pushed a chair out of my way before sliding over the desk and grabbing Simon by his scrawny little neck. He nearly dropped the lantern, which would have been an unfortunate thing because it would have more than likely burned the entire house down. I had enough sense about me to take it from his hand and set it on the desk behind me, all the while squeezing his neck and watching his face turn a very ugly red in the limited light.

  Through it all, Rebecca screamed at me, yelled at me to stop. Stop? Can you imagine? Telling me to stop attacking the person who'd hurt her? No. There was no way I would allow this man to live.

  She begged again for me to stop, and it just made me squeeze harder. Simon put his puny little hands up to mine to try to release my grasp, but as we have already covered, I was much bigger, much stronger, much more everything than he was. I could have snapped his neck without any trouble. It wouldn't have been difficult at all, but I enjoyed watching the look in his eyes as he realized his life was ending and it was ending because he dared put his hands on my love.

  "He hurt you." I said without question. My voice was calm even to my ears, and when I think back on it, I have to wonder how. I was filled with anger. Filled with frustration. Filled with horror of what could have happened if I hadn't walked in and stopped it.

  "No," she said beside me with her hands pulling on my arm. "No, he didn't. Stop, Frederick, please. You'll hurt him."

  "That's the idea, my love." I sneered at him as I watched his eyelids droop. "No one puts their hands on what's mine. No one hurts a woman in my presence."

  "He wasn't hurting me."

  "I saw him!" Simon's legs buckled and he fell to the floor. I followed and didn't let him go. We were close to the fire. So close. And I could see Simon much more clearly now. I enjoyed watching him suffer. I liked feeling his heartbeat slowing down as my hand clamped his throat.

  I would kill him to defend Rebecca, and no one would think me ill.

  "You saw what you wanted to see," she screamed as she began hitting my back. The thing about Rebecca you must understand is even when someone hurt her, she defended them. She was much too nice and too good for her own safety.

  "Why would I want to see him hurting you?"

  "He wasn't…" She began but was stopped when footsteps entered behind us.

  "What, in God's name?" I knew that voice and I hated that voice.

  Anthony came up behind me and tried to pry me off of Simon. He was stronger than Simon, I gave him that, but still, I was enraged and that was hard to fight. "What are you doing? Let him go!"

  "He put his hands on Rebecca. He was going to hurt her, just as you accused me of hurting her, and you dare defend him?" I kept my eyes on Simon and watched as the last few traces of life left him. He'd stopped fighting. His eyelids fluttered and I knew he had only seconds to live.

  "Damn it, Frederick! Let him go!" Anthony screamed in my ear and pulled back as hard as he could.

  My hands had tired, unfortunately, and when he pulled back with all his might, I lost my grip and fell to the floor. Simon, that heartless coward, began coughing and, yes, breathing. He rolled over onto his side as he tried to catch his breath — the same breath I had tried so hard to take away.

  And do you know
what happened next? Did Rebecca come running to me and thank me for being her hero? Did Anthony give Simon the same lecture he gave me?

  I can answer you those questions right now.

  No. None of that happened.

  I was accused of being the villain. The Villain!

  I'd saved Rebecca!

  I'd avenged her honor!

  And I was the in the wrong? How does that even make sense? I can tell you right now, it doesn't. Not in the least. Not in the slightest.

  Rebecca didn't run to me. She didn't throw her arms around my neck and tell me how much she appreciated what I did for her. She didn't tell me she loved me, as I had proven my love to her.

  No. She ran past me, fell on the floor at my feet, and threw her arms around Simon.

  And I just stood there, leaning on the desk to try to stop my legs from shaking, and watched them because I could not fathom what in the world was happening.

  She stroked Hartwell's hair and told him everything would be alright. She placed her hands gently on either side of his face and held it, so she could look into his eyes.

  Those hands should have been on face. She should have told me everything was alright.

  I didn't understand any of it and I wanted answers. I needed them now.

  "You need to leave." Anthony said as he clamped his hand on my shoulder. "You are no longer welcome in my home."

  "Me?" I scoffed and pushed his hand off of me. "What about him? Simon is the one who attacked Rebecca and no one seems to care! If it were I, as you wrongly assumed in the garden, you would have had my hide!"

  "That's enough." He said and grabbed my arm to led me out of the study. I pulled away and, without thinking, bent down and grabbed Rebecca, pulling her to me.

  I needed to look into her eyes and try to understand all of this nonsense. Anthony yelled my name and Simon croaked out Rebecca's, but I wouldn't stop. I needed answers and I would get them.

  "Rebecca… my love." I began and held her like we were the only two people in the room, like the other two men had vanished away, leaving just the two of us. The only two people who mattered in the world. "Rebecca, look at me, please." My voice was calmer now as I blocked out everyone else and just focused on the sweet face of the woman I loved.